Playing Pretend

by Bester, Tamsyn

  “Why? I love helping you.”

  “I know.” His grin was disarming, and damn if the butterflies in my belly didn’t turn into super bats. “But I guess I never really thought about finding someone who would be good enough for my daughter.”

  I had no idea how to respond to that, so I turned my attention back to Braelynn.

  “Did I say something wrong?” asked Caleb. He lifted my hair from my nape, and started rubbing my neck. I sighed, and he applied more pressure, rubbing the tension away.

  “No. A girl can’t argue when a man says she’s good enough for his daughter. It means a lot, that you trust me with her.”

  “You know, in most cases whatever is good enough for the baby is good enough for her dad too.”

  I bit my lip, and stifled a giggle. “Has anyone ever told you how smooth you think you are?”

  “I don’t think I’m smooth, I know I am. Or so I’ve been told.”

  “Your daddy needs a lesson on humility,” I told Braelynn. “He thinks way too much of himself.”

  “I do not.” Caleb leaned over, and looked at his daughter. “Don’t listen to Kadence, baby girl.”

  I lifted my head and quirked a brow. “I think she should listen to me. Do you want your daughter to end up with a man who will do to her what you’ve done to me?”

  Caleb’s mouth opened, but he snapped it shut long enough to think about his answer. “Uh, no. I’m the only man in her life, and it will stay that way until…forever. You hear me Brae? Daddy is the only man you will ever need.”

  “Good luck with that one. It’s your fault you had such a good looking kid.”

  Caleb turned his gaze, his eyes resting on my face. “Oh really? And why is that?”

  “Because you’re not exactly hard on the eyes, Caleb.”

  He gave me a cheeky smirk. “You think I’m hot?”

  Bastard.

  With pinched lips, I turned my attention to Braelynn who’d just finished eating and avoided answering. Of course I thought Caleb was gorgeous, but with my luck I would use words that revealed the unfounded expectation that we were more than what we were. I was under no kind of illusion, but I still wanted to enjoy this just a little bit longer.

  Caleb felt my discomfort, and dropped it. He took Braelynn, told me to stay put, and took her to bed. He came back a few minutes later, and took his place beside me. I grabbed the paperwork as more of a diversion, but Caleb removed them from my grasp.

  “You’re going to be fine,” he said. “The event is going to be perfect.”

  I remained quiet, and he added, “I know you couldn’t sleep because you’re nervous, babe, but you don’t need to be.”

  I took a deep breath. “What if I fail?”

  Caleb cupped my cheek, and I had to admit it felt good to air my fear of failing. “Not possible. You love your job too much to fail. And besides, you can never fail with me at your side.”

  “Oh God,” I laughed, “Just had to get that in there, huh?”

  Caleb shrugged. “Just trying to live up to my reputation.” His expression turned serious. “But I mean it.”

  “What? That I can’t fail with you at my side?”

  “Well, yeah,” – I slapped his chest, and he grabbed my hand, his deep chuckle filling the room – “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

  “And you’re terrible at making me feel better!”

  Leaning in close, Caleb pinned me to the sofa. “I know exactly how to make you feel better.”

  I deflated a little, and Caleb caught it. “What?”

  I swallowed, and was quick to brush it off. “Nothing. I think we should go to bed. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”

  “We’re not going anywhere until you tell me what you were thinking.”

  I diverted my gaze, and then cried out in surprise when Caleb placed his hands on my hips and lifted me so that I was straddling him. The man moved so fast, one minute he was leaning over me, and the next he’d flipped our position.

  I stayed silent.

  “I have the patience of saint, babe.” Caleb brushed my cheek.

  “And you’re also a very good liar,” I teased. “Your patience is shorter than a matchstick.”

  “Not when it comes to you,” he replied quickly. “And Braelynn.”

  “It’s a little hard to be serious when you say things like that, Caleb.”

  “Oh I’m being serious, as serious as a heart attack. So lay it on me, whatever’s bothering you. You know you can always be honest with me.”

  “What makes you think something’s bothering me?”

  “Because you can never hide from me, Kadence.” His words slayed me, left me raw. Naked. “You try, but I see you. I always see you.”

  See? Always a charmer. Except this time, I believed him because it was an undeniable truth that I could never hide from him.

  “You scare me,” I murmured, and motioned between us. “This scares me.”

  Caleb’s gaze was pensive. Seeking. Perceptive. He was smart but it was moments like this that made me realize there was so much more beneath his surface. More that I wanted to discover. “You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

  “I’m not afraid of you, it’s just…”

  “It’s just what?”

  “It feels…” I paused, “Real. And for the last few days it felt like I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

  Caleb’s brows bowed, making a crease between his eyes. “It is real.” He sounded convinced.

  I on the other hand, was not.

  “I’m never sure with you.”

  Caleb’s frown deepened as if I’d wounded him somehow.

  “I can never tell when you’re being real with me,” I continued. “Or if you’re playing pretend. And it’s driving me crazy because I know we’re putting on a show for everyone else, but when I’m with you, and Brae, I find myself wishing it was true.”

  “I think I know where this is going.”

  The look in Caleb’s eyes, the hardness on his face, made me want to backtrack. Now. I didn’t want him to think I was asking for more.

  I placed my hands and tried to lift myself from his lap. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Forget I brought it up, okay?”

  He stopped me, and sat up, bringing us nose-to-nose. “You didn’t let me finish,” he admonished in a low voice.

  “Just forget -” Caleb cut me off by placing his finger on my mouth.

  “Do you want me to define what we are?” he asked.

  I sagged against him. “No, I’d rather you didn’t. I don’t expect -”

  “Well, I’m going to anyway.” Caleb relaxed, and put a sliver of distance between us. I stiffened in response, preparing myself for the part where Caleb told me what we had was pretend. “I haven’t had a girlfriend since middle school, and I know that I have a history of bedding numerous women,” – I so did not like where this was going – “But I think what we have here is a little past pretending. This thing between us, it not only affects us, but Braelynn too, and every choice I make has to be in her best interest as well as my own. It would never be my intention to hurt you, but I also can’t promise you anything right now.” I felt it, that first fissure in my chest. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to enjoy this, whatever it is, because what we have right now, is the realest thing I’ve felt in years.”

  Our eyes remained locked, and I searched for some kind of truth. I was afraid I’d never find it.

  “You’re not just a fuck to me, Kadence.” He said those words as if he knew I needed to hear them. “I care about you.”

  “I care about you too,” I whispered, and God was it the truth. “And Braelynn.”

  “Then why do I get the feeling you’re not completely convinced?”

  Just be genuine, I told myself. But wasn’t that what would get me hurt in the end? Maybe so, but I’d always worn my heart on my sleeve, and I didn’t know how else to be. I’d never changed who I was for a man, and I wasn’t about to
start now.

  “Because I’ve spent the last five years waiting for something bad to happen, and I’m usually never wrong.”

  Caleb touched my lip. “There’s always a first time, and this might just be it.”

  I WRUNG MY HANDS together, and looked around at the warehouse. Servers walked around, dressed in their black attire, and finished setting up the tables. It was the same industrial warehouse we’d used for Caleb’s fashion show, and it was one of the few spaces in the city that worked with the concept I had in mind for the launch party. Old vinyl records hung from the ceiling, with low lights in between. White sectional sofas stood in the corners, with a combination of tall and regular tables covered in white linen. The stage was to the far left, in the center of the back wall and decked out in state-of-the-art music equipment. I just hoped tonight was a success, and that Caleb wouldn’t regret putting me in charge of such a monumental project. It was a big night for Callahan Industries, and for Caleb, but it was an even bigger night for me.

  I finalized the program for the evening, making sure that everyone on my team knew exactly what was expected, and left to get ready. The elevator doors opened into the penthouse, and I was caught by surprise when I heard Caleb arguing with someone in the living room. It was a woman’s voice, her American accent laced with a Hispanic twang. When I rounded the corner, Caleb was scowling at the woman, his posture rigid and defensive. The woman stared him down, challenging him, and I was momentarily thrown by how beautiful she was. It took me a minute, but I recognized her. Natalia Rodriguez. Her dark hair was pulled up into a high ponytail on top of her head, and her make-up was flawless. She was wearing a black fitted dress that cut off mid-thigh, and mile high heels that brought her to eye level with Caleb. Something akin to dread and despair unfurled in my belly, making the remaining nerves seem inconsequential.

  I held my breath.

  “You can’t just show up after all this time and expect me to welcome you back into our lives with open arms!” yelled Caleb. His face was red, and his features were pulled tight in anger.

  “You have no right to turn me away either!” Natalia’s voice was more of a screech, so loud and ear-piercing.

  This time Caleb bellowed and his voice boomed through the penthouse. “The hell I don’t! You left, Natalia. You decided you weren’t ready for motherhood!”

  My heart stopped beating.

  And the other shoe dropped.

  Caleb and Natalia were so busy screaming at each other they hardly noticed that Braelynn’s cries were coming from the nursery. I went to her, not caring that the sound of my heels on the floors made my presence known. With Braelynn in my arms, I also felt comforted, like I could avoid what was happening in the living room a little bit longer.

  “You are not getting anywhere near my child,” said Caleb, his voice coming from the hallway.

  “She’s mine too,” replied Natalia. “You can’t keep her from her mother.”

  I squeezed my eyes closed, and held Braelynn closer to my chest, placing a kiss on her forehead. A silent promise that no matter what happened, she would always have a special place in my heart. I waited a beat, hearing silence on the other side of the door.

  “Okay, kiddo,” I opened the door. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

  Caleb looked away from Natalia when I returned to the living room, and she scowled at me. I wanted to sympathize – it couldn’t be easy seeing another woman holding your child – but all I felt was a need to protect Braelynn. And contempt. For the woman who was too selfish to keep this sweet baby girl.

  Caleb took a step closer, and I instinctively mirrored it in the opposite direction. I caught the shock in his eyes, and the disbelief that I would want to protect Braelynn from him of all people. I had no right, but from where I was standing, I was the only one looking out for Braelynn right then. I didn’t need a better reason than that.

  “She’s fine,” I told him, careful not to raise my voice and startle the little Miss even more. I rubbed her back, soothing her until her crying had stopped.

  “Kadence, this is -” started Caleb.

  “I know who she is.”

  Natalia made an unladylike sound. “Of course you do.” Her red lips curled in displeasure. Bitch. “You’re the whore Caleb is parading around with.”

  “Natalia,” barked Caleb. “I am five minutes away from having you escorted out by security.”

  “Why not have her escorted out? I’m the mother of your child, and she’s just -”

  “I warned you, Natalia. Do not test me.”

  Natalia looked ready to claw my eyes out, but then Braelynn let out a sound, and I saw her resolve shatter. It was slight, but her face went lax, and her eyes softened with curiosity. I held Braelynn a little tighter.

  “It’s time to feed her,” I stated. “Henry will be here in an hour.”

  Caleb’s nod was sharp, agitation rolling off him in waves. “I’ll feed her, and you can get ready.”

  “I’ll do it.” My eyes darted between Caleb and Natalia. “I’ll leave you to continue your conversation. Alfie will be here at 8:30 to take us to the party.”

  Before Caleb could say anything more, I grabbed a bottle for Braelynn, and decided to feed her in the nursery, away from all the tension, and resentment simmering between Caleb and Natalia. Instead of thinking about what happened now that Natalia was back, I placed all my attention on feeding Braelynn, making sure that she was calm, and unaffected. By the time that was done, and I’d gotten myself ready, Henry had arrived to take care of Braelynn for the night. I was back to feeling nervous, and that only intensified when I entered the living room and saw that Caleb and Natalia were talking outside on the terrace. The urge to go outside and tell him it was time to go was strong, but not stronger than my need to get away.

  One thing at a time, I told myself. The event was my immediate priority, and for the time being I needed to put Caleb and his deplorable ex-girlfriend out of my mind. Alfie was waiting for me in the Atrium, and when he asked me where Caleb was, I shrugged.

  “He’ll meet me there.” I didn’t know if that was true, but I wasn’t waiting around to find out. Alfie frowned – I wasn’t sure he was capable of anything more than impassive indifference – and when he saw Caleb he looked displeased. He looked back at me, the pity on his face so blunt, and discernible that it made me feel sick.

  “Let me take you,” he said, ushering me to the elevator. His deep baritone voice was the gentlest than I’d ever heard it. “Mr. Callahan can find his own damn ride.”

  WE’D JUST STOPPED outside the warehouse when my phone rang. It was my mother, so I decided to steal an extra five minutes before I faced the press waiting outside.

  “Hi Mom.”

  “Hi sweetheart. How are you?”

  “I’m great.” I swallowed, and pasted on a smile as if my mother could see me. “I just arrived at the party.”

  “Oh, well in that case I won’t keep you long. I wanted to wish you luck for tonight.”

  “Thank you,” I replied. I dropped my head against the back seat, and stared up at the roof of the car. Alfie had already climbed out, and I was glad for the privacy.

  “Are you okay? You sound tired, sweetheart.”

  She had no idea.

  “I’m fine,” I lied. “Just a little nervous.”

  “Why do I get the feeling you’re not being completely honest with me?”

  My mother was a little too perceptive, and as much as I needed to talk to her, now wasn’t the time.

  “I’m fine, Mom, really. I have to go, but I will call you tomorrow, okay?”

  My mother paused, and I knew that she wasn’t pleased. She hated it when I kept things from her. “I think you should come here for a few days. We can catch up, and you can get away from the city.”

  And away from Caleb, I thought, mentally saying the words I knew my Mother wanted to. I’d called her several times after my date with Caleb, and she had no qualms at all about airing her concerns
that I was going to get hurt, that I had possibly gotten in over my head. I was afraid she wasn’t wrong.

  But I couldn’t think about that now.

  I did however like the idea of seeing her again.

  “I’ll book you a flight,” she added. “I think it will do you the world of good.”

  “I agree,” I sighed. “I really have to go, Mom. I’ll speak to you in the morning.”

  “Good luck, sweetheart. I love you.”

  Alfie rapped his knuckles on the window, letting me know my time was up.

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  I slid my phone across the screen just as another call came in. Caleb. Without much thought, I silenced it, and let it go to voicemail. I tucked it into my purse, and opened the car door. Lights flashed, and I tried not to think about the first time Caleb and I stepped out as a ‘couple’. It was a night not much different to this one – clear skies lit up by city lights, warm air, beautiful, perfect – except I knew this time it was different. Everything had changed. I was alone, while Caleb was at his penthouse doing God knows what with his ex, and I hated how keenly I felt his absence at my side. I wanted to be brave, and courageous, and more importantly, I wanted to feel in control.

  Alfie helped me out of the car. “Ready, Ms. Kavanagh?”

  I nodded. Show time, kiddo.

  I stepped up to the press gauntlet with a smile on my face, standing tall and facing the cameras with as much confidence as I could. The paparazzi yelled their questions, asking where Caleb was, and if we were still happy. I kept quiet, and gave them a few pictures before having Alfie escort me inside. A few of the guests had already arrived, and the servers were all circling the room. So far, everything was going according to plan, which allowed me to relax just enough to focus. I saw Aaliyah, and Annabelle, and they waved me over. I greeted my colleagues while winding through the crowd, sure to engage with the guests as well.

  “You look like a million bucks,” said Aaliyah. “And this place looks amazing.” She too was a vision on her royal blue chiffon V-neck, sleeveless gown, her black hair curled, and clipped to the side in a classic style that suited her to perfection.