Stella

by Helen Eve

  And I thought of Lucy’s sadness as she talked about the Stars; of Ruby, tear-streaked and shaking as she tried, and failed, to navigate life without them, like a broken bird pushed from its nest. It would be suicide to put myself in the same vulnerable position.

  ‘I definitely agree,’ I said.

  Stella looked – did I imagine this? – relieved. ‘Good. Because I’d hate to think what would happen if you didn’t.’

  She walked into her room, slamming the door so hard that I felt the vibration in my feet.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Stella

  I force myself to go to breakfast and pick up an apple. Katrina and Caitlin are missing, but the other Stars are in their places when I arrive.

  ‘You won’t believe what I saw last night,’ I begin, sawing into my fifty-three calories with a plastic knife.

  Before I can share the news about Caitlin’s worrying – not to mention ungrateful and disrespectful – conflict of loyalties, she and Katrina enter the cafeteria. They’re heading for our table when Edward calls them over and pulls Caitlin onto his lap. As he wraps his arms tightly around her, Katrina takes the seat next to Luke and starts drinking his coffee. Before I can even take this in, Ruby has joined them. It’s the first time in weeks I’ve seen her in here, and, although she still looks scared, I sense that something – or someone – has given her the confidence to do this.

  ‘What’s going on over there?’ I ask in outrage.

  Mary-Ann, rubbing pencil dust off her cream trousers as she abandons a giant Venn diagram, doesn’t seem surprised. ‘I don’t know, exactly. But don’t let your pride get the better of you.’

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘Caitlin’s been getting quite friendly with Luke recently, and you don’t want him confiding in her instead of you. I know things aren’t great between you two right now.’

  ‘What are they talking about?’ I ask, trying to see what Luke and Caitlin are staring at.

  Lila cuts in, taking a break from the essay she’s drafting for Penny. ‘It’s totally boring, Stella. You’d hate it!’

  Mary-Ann looks impatient. ‘It’s Luke’s TB research project. He’s just won a grant to join a team at Columbia over the summer. He’s really excited about it.’

  Lila wrinkles her nose. ‘Stella, you’re lucky that Luke hasn’t bored you with it. If only he had the same respect for us. How have you managed to avoid it?’

  I dredge from my memory a conversation Luke and I had last week. I know you hate science, so I’ll explain it fast, he said. Twenty seconds, and then you can finish telling me why your new shampoo has revolutionary properties.

  Why didn’t I listen to him? If I had, maybe he wouldn’t have talked to Caitlin instead. I glare at her as something even worse occurs to me. What if she’s not faking interest because she has a crush on Luke; what if she’s showing actual interest? Of course he’d prefer someone to listen voluntarily than force information into them. I’m practically giving him to her.

  ‘Columbia’s in New York,’ I say suddenly. ‘Does Caitlin have something to do with this?’

  Mary-Ann is looking at me as if I’m mentally defective. ‘Sometimes I wonder what your head is filled with,’ she says. ‘Caitlin’s mum is head of this project. Caitlin told Luke about the grant and helped him apply.’

  I’m not equipped to deal with bad news. I’m using up all my energy pretending to eat my side dish of Cheerios whilst willing them to dissolve magically into the milk. I stir it furiously, slopping some over the side, and then push it away, frustrated and disgusted.

  ‘Edward and Caitlin are a really cute couple,’ Lila muses. Penny puts an arm around her as she starts to check over the essay, and, with their heads close enough to mingle Penny’s blonde and Lila’s dark curls, they look like negatives of each other. ‘He’s so mature and romantic with her. Who’d have thought she’d be the girl to help him get over you?’

  I try to interrupt, but she cuts me off. ‘Yes, I know it was a mutual break-up. Whatever. Are you ever going to tell us what really happened? We all thought you’d be together forever.’

  ‘Edward and I had a conflict of interests,’ I tell her as I think back to that lakeside party where we broke up.

  ‘Here?’ I’d asked him, looking dubiously at the picnic blanket he’d laid in a patch of undergrowth. I could still hear the chants of the other Stripes as they encouraged Quentin to set his trousers on fire, and I was worried about stinging nettles.

  He was trying to open a bottle of beer with his teeth. ‘What’s wrong with here, Hamilton? I thought this was going to be the night I finally stopped begging you.’

  I nodded as he pulled an impatient face. ‘I promised you, didn’t I?’

  He spat out the bottle cap and took a swig before kissing me. ‘So are you going to tell me why it had to be tonight?’

  ‘I wanted to wait until the end of GCSEs, as Siena did,’ I explained.

  ‘Stella, Stella.’ Edward sighed as if I were ten years old. ‘Is that seriously the reason we’ve been waiting? I could have told you ages ago that Siena and Jack didn’t do anything else from the Fourth Form onwards. Why do you think their song was “The Bad Touch”?’

  He launched into his favourite verse from the song.

  ‘It wasn’t!’ I protested. ‘Siena told me it was “Flying Without Wings”.’

  He convulsed with laughter as I stared at the hole in the threadbare blanket and began to reconsider.

  I thought of that moment months later when Luke told me that our song was the conceptually conflicting ‘God Only Knows’. And I wondered if, despite my best efforts to conform, Siena and I were insurmountably different.

  * * *

  ‘What’s Ruby doing for Easter?’ Penny asks. ‘I presume she’s not staying here?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Lila says without much interest. ‘Although I hear Coventry’s nice this time of year.’

  Our Easter holiday is so short that most Sixth Formers don’t bother going home. It’s actually considered unwise to leave because hierarchies can change so much during one’s absence. You might leave a major player and return an unknown, and it’s not worth the risk, especially during an election campaign.

  Penny is staring so hard at the Stripes’ table that she’s smeared Nutella on her nose without noticing. The very fact that she’s eating chocolate suggests severe disturbance to her mental state.

  ‘Aren’t you going to do something about Ruby?’ she asks in outrage. ‘You haven’t given us the go-ahead to speak to her, have you? Why are Katrina and Caitlin allowed to be friends with her and us? What happened to loyalty?’

  I’m glad when Mary-Ann cuts in. ‘You can’t expect Ruby to sit on her own until we speak to her again!’

  Penny turns her attention from this ethical dilemma to Caroline, Hannah and Lucy, who have also crowded around the Stripes’ table.

  ‘Look at them all! Stealing our Stripes! I don’t like it, Stella, and I want to know what you plan to do about it.’

  I stare past her to the window, but for once my reflection is exactly no help. In fact, I look even more bewildered than I feel.

  * * *

  I’d planned to cut English, but decide in the circumstances to attend. By the time I arrive, Caitlin is in my seat.

  ‘Excuse me,’ I say, slamming my books down.

  She looks shocked, but doesn’t move. ‘We just chose our partners for the vacation project,’ she explains. ‘You weren’t here, so Katrina asked me to work with her.’

  ‘I’m here now,’ I snap, resisting the temptation to tell her that the correct word is holiday.

  ‘We’ve already started,’ she says timidly, gesturing at the books they’ve spread across the desk.

  Jamie looks up. I smile in relief as he walks to the front row and pulls out Caitlin’s usual seat between Hannah and Lucy. ‘Into your seat now, Stella, and stop gossiping.’

  ‘But Sir,’ I say, wondering if he actually expects me to s
it there, ‘I’m going to—’

  ‘Seat, Stella,’ he says, lifting the chair and letting it fall.

  Penny and Lila stare in indignation, but several nearby civilians smirk. To ensure they know how unwise this is, I swing my bag so that Caitlin’s pencil tin smashes to the floor. She looks humiliated as she leaves her seat and bends down to collect her pens, but Edward bounds across the room to help, ignoring Jamie’s annoyance and even kissing the tip of her nose.

  He glares at me when he straightens up. ‘Do you have to be so horrible?’ he mutters.

  I ignore him and sit down firmly next to Katrina. Caitlin looks at me for a moment in disbelief before walking slowly to the front of the room. Lucy grabs her hand under the table as she sits down, while Jamie shakes his head at me.

  ‘Why don’t you want us to sit together?’ I hiss at Katrina when she’s gone.

  She shrugs. ‘You heard Caitlin – you weren’t here. Again.’

  Jamie shoots us a warning glance and I continue by writing on my notepad. What are you thinking, being friends with Ruby? That’s not what we agreed!

  She looks at me loftily and then speaks out loud as everyone turns to stare. ‘I’m capable of choosing my own friends, especially as you’ve barely spoken to me since kick-off. You don’t need to do it for me anymore.’

  * * *

  I try to leave English without speaking to anyone, but Edward catches my arm and leads me to a window seat in the corridor.

  ‘I don’t want a lecture,’ I tell him.

  ‘This isn’t going to be one,’ he says, his voice uncharacteristically soft. I start to feel panic: this tone always means bad news, and I mentally run through the possibilities. But when he speaks, it’s something I’ve never considered.

  ‘We can’t run in the election together,’ he says.

  I sit completely still, waiting to hear that he’s joking.

  ‘Stella, did you hear me?’ he says gently. ‘It just isn’t working.’

  I place my hand on the wall. ‘Is this because of what I did to Caitlin? Because I can tell her I’m sorry if I have to. I’ll even buy her a new pencil case.’

  He sighs. ‘No, although it proves that we can’t work together anymore. We have to move on.’

  ‘You promised,’ I say. ‘When we broke up, you promised me we’d still run together.’

  ‘And once you promised me that we’d never break up,’ he says wryly. ‘Things change.’

  ‘This has been planned for years,’ I say. ‘It’s been planned since…’ I try to say the word Siena, but as usual it sticks in my throat.

  ‘People are supporting us as a team,’ I argue instead. ‘They won’t buy into us separately.’

  ‘We’re already separate,’ he says. ‘You and I can’t be a team with Luke standing between us.’

  ‘But you know why I have to win,’ I whisper. ‘You know what this means to me.’

  ‘But Stella, it means a lot to me too.’

  I worry that I’m going to cry, and I distract myself by playing with my hair, repeatedly braiding it and combing it out.

  ‘Is there anything I can do to change your mind?’ I ask finally.

  He lowers his voice as a group of Removes walks past. ‘You could break up with Luke.’

  I let go of my hair.

  ‘You barely speak to him anyway,’ he says. ‘And a break-up would be a good campaign tactic to keep everyone guessing. Penny’s favourite celebrities do this stuff all the time.’

  ‘Luke isn’t a campaign tactic,’ I say flatly. ‘He doesn’t even want to be in this election. I don’t want to break up with him, Edward. Not even for this.’

  ‘And I don’t want to be a third wheel,’ he says. ‘It’s demeaning. I know Luke doesn’t want to compete, but he’ll step up to replace me if he has to.’

  I stare at him furiously. ‘You asked him to replace you before you told me?’

  ‘Of course.’ He sounds surprised. ‘I wasn’t sure he’d agree, and I didn’t want you to be left on your own.’

  ‘Who else have you told?’ My voice is raised in annoyance and he puts a finger on my lips.

  ‘No one else yet. And I won’t announce it until our new teams are official.’

  I consider who his replacement running partner will be and allow myself a brief moment of relief that there are no other girls in our year popular enough to compete with me. The relief quickly subsides, because the thought of him running alongside anyone else, no matter how poorly dressed they are, feels like a violation.

  ‘Why can’t we carry on as things are?’ I ask.

  ‘You know why. And you and Luke aren’t the only problem.’

  ‘Caitlin?’ I ask bitterly.

  ‘She’s a consideration,’ he concedes. ‘If I feel awkward about our three-way, I’m sure she does too. But there’s also Katrina. Have you stopped to wonder whose side she’s on these days?’

  ‘There’s no issue with Katrina,’ I say, sounding defensive because I’m not at all sure of my ground. ‘She’s on my side and she always will be.’

  He half-smiles. ‘A few months ago, that’s what I’d have said about you.’

  ‘Don’t do this,’ I say, trying not to sound desperate. ‘This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. How can I run without you?’

  I reach out, but he snatches away his hand before I can touch him. ‘No,’ he tells himself as if he’s an alcoholic wavering before a glass of wine.

  Staring fixedly at the curtains behind me, he starts to tell me that I should learn to accept change and that it’s not good for me always to get what I want. I can’t listen, so I climb unsteadily down from the window seat and walk away.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Caitlin

  On the last day of the semester, I woke in the dark with the realization that someone was sitting on my bed. Before I could scream, something soft was pressed over my mouth.

  ‘Keep quiet!’ they hissed.

  I shot out my hand and switched on my lamp. As I blinked furiously, the figure came into focus and I sat upright in horror.

  ‘What are you doing in here?’ I stared, wondering if I were dreaming. ‘Do you have any idea how much trouble you could get us into?’

  Edward leaned forward and kissed me. ‘Why do you think I was trying to keep you quiet? Nice outfit, by the way. You must have been expecting me.’

  I crossed my arms, trying to hide my babydoll nightdress. ‘Never mind me. What the hell are you wearing?’

  Edward stood up and spun around, his arms outstretched. He was dressed in a rabbit costume, complete with fluffy tail, long floppy ears and a plastic nose with whiskers sticking out. His hands, that he’d tried to gag me with, were furry paws.

  ‘I’m the Easter bunny. Do you like it?’

  ‘You’ve broken into my room at –’ I grabbed my alarm clock and waved it at him – ‘five a.m. dressed as the Easter bunny, when you know we’re allowed to sleep late today. What am I supposed to say?’

  He pulled me out of bed and held an identical costume against me. ‘You don’t have to say anything. You just have to put this on and follow me.’

  ‘And if I don’t?’

  ‘If you don’t, I’ll have to tell Mrs Denbigh that you ordered me for the night in my professional capacity as a bunny strip-o-gram. And I don’t think she’ll be very pleased with you.’

  ‘Fine.’ I grabbed the costume from him and pulled it on over my nightdress. ‘But I think you’re crazy. And I really don’t want any more punishments this semester.’

  ‘You won’t,’ he said. ‘There’s no rule against being a bunny – I’ve checked.’

  ‘That doesn’t fill me with confidence,’ I said grimly. ‘You couldn’t see any rule against dyeing the swimming pool red as part of your Plagues of Egypt re-enactments either.’

  He put his arm around me as I stumbled down the stairs. ‘You don’t want to deny me my one good deed of the year, do you?’

  As he led me outside, I immediately tripped
over something lying on the path and looked down to see a huge sack. ‘What is this?’

  ‘Surely you know what an Easter egg hunt is,’ he said. ‘Or are you New Yorkers too sophisticated for such things?’

  ‘Of course not!’ In fact, I made Charlie an Easter egg hunt every year, even though I always ended up eating more candy than he did. ‘It’s just hard to take you seriously right now.’

  ‘You don’t find bunnies sexy?’ He wiggled his tail. ‘I think you make a sexy bunny.’

  ‘No comment.’ I ran ahead as he hefted the sack over his shoulder, leaving him to follow me on his fake fluffy feet.

  When we’d finished, the entire quad was covered in chocolate eggs and my mood had improved.

  ‘The Shells are going to love it,’ I said, proud of our handiwork. I pulled off my bunny hood and nose, and then reached over to work on Edward’s. ‘But why didn’t you ask me about this earlier? Was this costume meant for someone else?’

  He gave me a look that I knew only too well. ‘Do you have to ask?’

  I glanced down at my ridiculous outfit. ‘You seriously thought that Stella would agree to dress as a bunny?’

  He nodded. ‘Yes, of course. As did our siblings before us. But Stella has a strange aversion to rabbits, so I was left to continue the tradition solo. You’ve been an excellent replacement.’

  ‘I’m glad I could be of service,’ I snapped.

  I shouldn’t have been surprised, but it was still galling to have been drafted in to fulfil a task Stella considered beneath her. She’d barely spoken to me since the incident in English class and I got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I thought of her being mad with me.

  He ignored me, reaching into the pocket of his costume for a card. ‘This is the very first invitation to my Easter party. You aren’t really going back to New York today, are you?’

  I had a calendar next to my bed that Charlie had made me. It was a countdown to the vacation so I could cross off the days until I’d see him again. He’d even pasted a little picture of himself next to the last day and written Welcome home, Caity! in his square print letters. I had a heap of presents that Edward had helped me choose for him and I’d already planned the stuff we’d do together.