Miss Communication

by Jennifer L. Holm

  “What? Why?” I asked. I’d expected people to be jealous, but not my own best friend.

  “Take a look for yourself,” he said, holding up his phone.

  OH. MY. GOODNESS.

  * * *

  When I got home from school that day, I told my parents what had happened. They made Squeak delete the video and gave him a long talking-to about privacy and respect. At the end of that conversation, they made him apologize to me. But I was so mad, I could barely look at him. That was the end of phone-sharing privileges, as far as I was concerned!

  * See Lights, Camera, Middle School!

  I was glad the next day was a Saturday. I was so embarrassed I didn’t think I’d ever get out of bed again. Unfortunately, Mom had other plans. She popped her head into my room at eight a.m., while I was still under the covers.

  “Babymouse,” she whispered. I pretended I was still sleeping.

  “BABYMOUSE,” she whisper-yelled, peek-ing under my blanket.

  “What’s up?” I asked groggily.

  “Your grandfather called,” she said. “He wants you to visit. I think it will be a good distraction from…yesterday. Would you like me to drive you over?”

  “I’ll go,” I replied. “But I can walk to his house myself.”

  “Do you know how to get there?” she asked.

  “Yep!” I responded, tapping my phone. “I’ve got the brand-new Don’tNeedAMap app.”

  I got dressed, brushed my teeth and whiskers, and headed downstairs. Mom was in the kitchen on her laptop. Squeak was eating cereal. I ignored him completely.

  “Do we have any croissants?” I asked, opening the pantry door.

  Mom looked up. “We’re fresh out,” she replied. “Same goes for baguettes, crepes, and pain au chocolat, unfortunately. How about a granola bar?”

  I hated granola bars, but until I had my own patisserie, I guessed I would have to make do.

  Now, on to Don’tNeedAMap app.

  I started walking.

  “Turn right in five yards,” Don’tNeedAMap app said.

  Yards? That was weird. Usually I measured things in feet, but oh well. I did what it told me, and casually strolled through five of my neighbors’ yards, incognito. I ended up on a dead-end street.

  “Turn left in twenty yards,” Don’tNeedAMap app said.

  Twenty yards?! Now, that was pretty crazy. I was far-enough away from my house that I didn’t know the people who lived in these houses, so I wasn’t sure what to do.

  “TURN LEFT IN TWENTY YARDS!” Don’tNeedAMap app said again, more loudly.

  Was it just in my head, or was the app getting angry?

  I looked around. I didn’t see anyone, so I decided to just go for it. I ran as fast as I possibly could. Dogs barked at me from all directions, and a rogue sprinkler soaked the left half of my body. But I made it!

  “CROSS THREE-LANE HIGHWAY!” Don’tNeedAMap yelled.

  This app definitely had a personality. A cranky one.

  I decided to reroute.

  “RECALCULATING!” Don’tNeedAMap boomed.

  I waited. Nothing happened. I pressed the button again.

  “I SAID RECALCULATING!” it snapped back.

  I didn’t want to wait around all day, so I decided to try to figure out another way myself. I walked forward in the direction it had told me to go before.

  Suddenly, the Don’tNeedAMap app sprang to life again. “GO STRAIGHT,” it said.

  Directly ahead of me was a park with a duck pond.

  “GO STRAIGHT!” it demanded again.

  I didn’t know what to do, so I just listened to the app. A couple of steps into the pond, I decided this was ridiculous and x-ed out of the app.

  Suddenly, my phone buzzed. It was a text. I looked around to make sure no one had seen me walk into the pond. Luckily, no one was there except for a handful of confused geese.

  I deleted the messages in annoyance. I had to get to Gramps’s house!

  Four hours later, I FINALLY got to Gramps’s house. I was sunburned and sweaty and had goose poop stuck to my shoes. The only good thing was, I had been out in the sun so long that my clothes had finally dried.

  On Monday, I did my best to keep my head down and ignore the snickers from other kids, still laughing about the video.

  I was relieved when I finally got to study hall, where I could get some peace and quiet. I had never been so excited to study in my whole life! (Don’t tell anyone I said that.)

  Luckily, Georgie and Penny had already gotten a good table in the back. I plopped my books down between them with a thud.

  “There’s our hometown hero,” Georgie said with a good-natured smile.

  “Very funny,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

  “Don’t worry, Babymouse,” Penny said. “Many artists are misunderstood during their lifetimes.”

  “Oh, speaking of art, did either of you write down the language arts assignment from class today? I forgot.”

  “Sure,” Georgie said. “Let me check my SoLazy.”

  “What’s SoLazy?” I asked.

  “It’s an app featuring voice-to-text software. You just talk into the phone and it writes everything down for you. You never have to lift a pen!”

  “So it’s like having a personal assistant taking notes for me?”

  “Exactly,” Georgie said.

  I liked that idea A LOT. Imagine never having to decipher your own crazy handwriting! This was the app of my dreams! Or at least my midsummer night’s dreams. Ha!

  (I mean LOL!)

  I downloaded SoLazy immediately, knowing my life would never be the same. Once it was on my screen, I decided to give it a try.

  “SoLazy, text Wilson, ‘Bonjour!’ ”

  “SoLazy, text Wilson, ‘Just trying out my new SoLazy app.’ ”

  Just like that, I was OBSESSED!

  * * *

  On the bus home from school, I had a brilliant idea: instead of typing out my homework, I could just dictate it to SoLazy!

  The first thing on my to-do list was the language arts paper on A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It’s actually a pretty cool play by William Shakespeare about fairies and people and a love spell. And with SoLazy by my side, I got the paper “written” really quickly, which left me with plenty of time to watch the movie version. My mom found me on the couch halfway through my second cupcake.

  “Don’t you have any homework, Babymouse?” she asked.

  “Already finished!” I replied proudly. “Just have to print it out.”

  Mom was impressed. “That’s great!” she said. “So you can get to bed early tonight.”

  Argh.

  * * *

  The next morning, I woke up early to print my paper. I connected to my wireless printer and opened my saved voice memo. I pressed the TRANSLATE TO TEXT button and waited for the app to update. Once that happened, I pressed PRINT and went to the bathroom to wash up. When I came back, I couldn’t believe my eyes!

  * * *

  I thought my problems would end there, but I was wrong. When I was at my locker between classes later that day, I got—you guessed it!—another text from “unidentified.” I tried to use SoLazy to translate my messages. It couldn’t be as bad as my paper (or so I thought…).

  Man, was I frustrated. At first, it seemed like SoLazy was choosing the wrong words based on the app’s algorithms, but then things started to get really weird….

  WHAT???

  The texts from “unidentified” kept coming.

  A stranger! On top of being really annoying, this person was making me break Rule #5. Enough was enough! I blocked the number.

  Just then, Felicia and her pals walked by me, chatting.

  “Felicia, is that the dress you wore on PA2ME?” Berr
y asked.

  “Yes,” she responded. “But I added the belt this time.”

  “It’s totally swag!” Melinda cried.

  “The swaggiest!” Belinda added.

  Facepalm. (“Swaggiest” sounded like a word that SoLazy would come up with.) But something about that conversation did interest me. What on earth was PA2ME?

  Penny walked up a moment later.

  “Hi, Babymouse.”

  “Have you heard of something called PA2ME?” I asked her.

  “Sure, Babymouse,” she said. “That’s the nickname for the Pay Attention 2 Me 24/7 app.”

  “What’s it do?”

  “It’s a popular photo-sharing service. People take pictures of things and post them online for everyone to see.”

  “Uh, what kinds of things do they post pictures of?” I asked.

  “Like what you eat for breakfast,” she said. “Or maybe a picture of your feet if you get a new toenail polish. There’s been a lot of girls posting pics of perfect whiskers lately. It’s pretty trendy.”

  I definitely needed this app.

  * * *

  When I got home that afternoon, I created an account on PA2ME. Now I had to document something SO mesmerizing it would make me instantly famous. Penny had mentioned breakfast, so I decided to start with a photo shoot starring one of Mom’s granola bars.

  I uploaded the photo. Within minutes, I had comments.

  Eh, not exactly the reaction I was hoping for. I scrolled through some more images to see what other kinds of things people were posting. Quickly, I came to understand that the idea was to make yourself look good by showing off your friends, puppies, meals, vacations, etc. Basically, you got points for coolness by making other people jealous. I deleted the picture of my granola bar. Clearly no one was going to be jealous of that.

  (Sorry, Mom.)

  But at least now I knew the truth: I needed to make myself look cool by posting pictures of myself with OTHER people. Specifically, COOL people. And then I would be cool by association. That settled it. PA2ME was my ticket to being popular online. I would let other people make me cool.

  And I knew just where to start.

  * * *

  “Felicia, can I take a picture with you?” I asked her the next morning on the bus.

  “As if!” she snorted.

  I guessed that was a “no.”

  Unfortunately, the only people who were willing to get pictures with me were not exactly going to elevate my social status.

  “I’ll take a picture with you, Babymouse,” said Squeak. “But it’s going to cost you.”

  Argh. The only person who would agree to be seen in a photo with me was my annoying Little? The sad thing was, he probably WAS cooler than me.

  After school ended, I decided to stop by Grampamouse’s place to see if he would be willing to help me out. I found him pulling weeds.

  “Hey, Gramps!” I said.

  “Babymouse!” he replied. “What a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting you today.”

  “I just wanted to stop in and see what’s up.”

  “You know, the usual. Just some housework.”

  “Need a hand?” I asked.

  “Sure! Thanks.”

  He and I worked on pulling up the weeds in his front yard. There were a lot of them! And I felt like every time I pulled one up, two or three more took its place. We chatted about the weather, our plans for the weekend, stuff going on in school, etc.

  After a while, I decided to ask about the photo.

  “Grampamouse, can I take a picture with you?”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  “Thanks. It’s for PA2ME. I need to add some photos.”

  “PA2ME, huh? That reminds me: look at the time!” Gramps suddenly got up and wiped his hands on his pants. “You know, I think we’ve made some really good progress today. I feel a little tired, so I’m going to head inside and take a nap.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “I’ll see you soon, Babymouse. Thanks for your help!” he said, giving me a quick hug and going inside.

  I couldn’t believe it. Not even my own grandfather was willing to take a picture with me?

  Typical.

  * * *

  In class the next day, I couldn’t concentrate. I was really getting bummed about the whole thing. My math teacher, Ms. Calculate, must have sensed that something was wrong.

  “Babymouse, can you stay behind a minute?” she asked after class had ended.

  I swallowed hard, gathered my things, and walked to her desk. I was worried I was in trouble.

  “Is everything okay, Babymouse?” she asked. “You didn’t seem like yourself today.”

  I wasn’t sure whether I should tell her the truth. It seemed silly to say it out loud—that I was sad I wasn’t popular on social media—but at the same time, my feelings of loneliness were pretty overwhelming. I decided just to let it out.

  “This might sound silly, but no one is willing to take a picture with me for PA2ME, and I feel really uncool and like I don’t have any friends.”

  “Oh, Babymouse, you have lots of friends! I always see you in the hallways chatting with other kids. Lots of people like you and look up to you!”

  “Yeah, it’s just that on social media, I don’t really have much of a following,” I explained.

  “Say no more. Look, let’s get a picture of the two of us together. You can post that.”

  She and I took a selfie in front of the chalkboard, and I posted it to PA2ME.

  “Thanks, Ms. Calculate,” I said. “You’re the best.”

  I guess a photo with our math assignment in the background wasn’t “cool.” As soon as I posted it, my score on the National Likability Index plummeted to -5,000,000!

  (I told this to Ms. Calculate. But instead of being sympathetic, she was really excited and launched into an impromptu math lesson on negative numbers. Ugh.)

  * * *

  Getting a picture with Felicia was the fastest ticket to popularity. I had to come up with a plan to get a photo with her on the fly. I decided that if I just “happened” to appear where she and her friends were hanging out, I had a chance to stealthily photobomb her group.

  “I wish there was an app that told you where people are all the time,” I said to Wilson the next day at lunch.

  “Like FiveCircle?” he asked.

  “What’s that?” Again, I was out of the loop.

  “FiveCircle. It’s a location-based app that allows you to ‘check in’ to various places, and also see where your family and friends are at any given time,” he said.

  “Perfect!” I exclaimed. “That’s exactly what I need.”

  Wilson eyed me suspiciously. “You know, it’s a little stalker-y, the way you just said that.” He laughed nervously. “Do I need to be worried?”

  “Not at all,” I lied.

  * * *

  The bell rang, announcing the end of school. It was time to execute my POA (plan of action). I quickly packed up my things and headed out of the building. It was a nice day, and I sat on a bench near the track while waiting for FiveCircle to download to my phone.

  Ms. DiMaggio was collecting hurdles from the field. She waved hello, and I waved back.

  “Here to run more laps?” she teased.

  “Not more laps. Just more apps!” I told her, smiling.

  “You kids make me laugh,” she said as she walked toward the gym.

  Once she was out of sight, I entered Felicia’s info into the FiveCircle database. A dial went around and around as it tried to locate her avatar. Hurry up! I thought frantically.

  Felicia was still near the school! I sprinted back to the main entrance, where a bunch of kids were hanging out and catching up with friends while waiting for a pickup. It
was crowded, but Felicia was easy to find, due to the high-pitched laughter coming from her entourage.

  She, Belinda, Melinda, and Berry were sitting on a bench together, scrolling through pictures. I noticed a bush directly behind them. The perfect hiding spot!

  I quickly threw on a sweatshirt from my backpack and flipped the hood up, covering my face. Out of sight, I sneakily made my way behind the bush to listen to their conversation.

  “You guys want to come over this weekend?” Felicia asked. “My parents just got me a new flat-screen TV. It practically takes up a whole wall of my room.”

  “Awesome!” exclaimed Melinda. “We can watch some of my cousin’s DVDs from the nineties!”

  “Sounds good,” said Belinda. “I’ll bring the popcorn.”

  “And I’ll bring the candy!” Berry added.

  “Perfect!” Felicia exclaimed. “This deserves a photo op!”

  That was my cue. As Felicia took out her phone, I peeked around the bush. I would be barely visible, but at least I would be in the picture.

  Snap! I smiled at the sound of my success.

  Shortly thereafter, the girls gathered up their things and left. I waited for ten minutes, then did another FiveCircle search for Felicia.