Sneaky Pie for President

by Rita Mae Brown

  Back up at Monticello, the mice emerged from the dome. Some hurried down to a good high spot where they’d have a commanding view of Sneaky’s much-anticipated speech. Others, using claws, perched atop the dome. The humans lagging behind the departing crowd didn’t notice them.

  The birds moved closer, and Art, the Red-shouldered Hawk, had flown up from the farm. Hawks had a large cruising range. Chipmunks appeared. The squirrels sat on tree branches. One by one, dogs had been arriving from the farms surrounding Monticello.

  Once the people left, Sneaky and Pewter backed down the tree. Tucker crawled out from the bushes.

  The tiger cat raced to the dais and climbed up to the lectern. The microphone was easily swung over the top of the podium, where she now sat.

  Sneaky Pie looked out over the assembled animals and began: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all living creatures are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.—That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Sentient Creatures, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,—That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the Living to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

  The animals listened intently. Not one little peep or squeak punctuated the address.

  Sneaky Pie continued: “Friends, on this Fourth of July, I wish to announce my candidacy for the presidency. I promise with the help of Providence to establish and maintain a natural balance between all living creatures: predator and prey. I promise to cherish the earth, the waters, and the air. I cannot promise to end human wars, but I can work mightily to avoid them. I promise hope for the young and comfort for the aged. For all of us in between those two poles, I promise a great common cause, first expressed by the human who lived here: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

  The animals applauded in their individual fashion. This message would be carried, like all great messages, from living creature to living creature. Powerful as the electronic media is in all its forms, nothing great happens without the spark of hope being passed from one creature to another.

  Having arrived at her empty truck, the C.O. came searching for the rest of her family, accompanied by the pest Tally herself.

  Upon reaching the back of Monticello, Tally raced away, yelling at the top of her lungs “Vice president. I’ll make a great vice president.”

  Sneaky calmly announced to the crowd, “Please take into account that she is a Jack Russell and this is my human. As for a running mate, I have much to consider. I do not, however, think it will be a Jack Russell.”

  A murmur of approval followed this; the mice especially liked the statement.

  The human stopped in her tracks, saw the animals gathered behind her tiger cat at the microphone. Something was occurring, but she couldn’t grasp it. She did, however, hear, “Meow. Meow.”

  She noticed the mice on the dome. She looked at the large number of squirrels, birds, and the farm dogs. She saw the raptor Art near the dais, high in the closest tree. He was a big fellow.

  She smiled as she looked around. “I guess we’re all Americans celebrating the Fourth of July.”

  Because the microphone picked up what she had said, a louder murmur followed this, which surprised the C.O.

  Looking down at her human, Sneaky said to the gathered masses, “There is hope!”

  Campaign Platform

  You can check up on me at my website, www.catprez.com

  or my Facebook page, www.facebook.com/sneakypiebrown

  I promise never to lie to you.

  I promise to reduce the tax burden on humans by utilizing a flat tax and closing all loopholes.

  Any human over the age of ninety need not pay federal income taxes.

  For animals who have served in the military, I promise retirement pay, and a discount at the veterinarian’s office.

  For humans I promise they get to deduct veterinary bills.

  I promise to work extra hard to see that veterinary schools receive important federal grants for research.

  I pledge the use of abandoned federal buildings for homeless animals. This also includes farmland for abandoned quadrupeds.

  I promise federal research money to study the effect of birdsong on human well-being. In England there is such a study at the University of Surrey. We need one here. Humans need emotional help.

  In accordance with that need, I will strongly suggest that humans learn about animal languages and needs, beginning in grade school. Respect for all creatures starts young.

  Campaign Promises

  The centerpiece of my administration will be the responsible use of the environment for all living creatures, and this includes the plant kingdom—they, too, are alive.

  Given the state of human mental health, my administration will make every effort to substitute drug therapies with animal companion therapies, even if this means special programs to teach those in need how to care for and live with cats, dogs, horses, birds, et cetera. Anything to get humans off chemical dependencies is a good thing.

  I will increase the prestige and the power of the Department of Agriculture, as well as the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. If need be, I will work hard to remove overlap, streamline agencies, or collapse competing bureaus into one bureau.

  Along with using discarded federal buildings for abandoned animals, I will do the same for abandoned and mistreated children. In my state of Virginia, the best-managed state in the Union (it almost always is), one out of eleven children has slept on the street. This is unforgivable.

  I believe in the separation of the church and state, first expressed for the colony of Virginia by James Madison. You practice your faith and I will practice mine.

  I will appoint a pack rat to the Federal Reserve. He or she should steady the humans.

  I will ensure that humans respect each species’ various mating patterns. On this same subject, I will strongly advise most cats and dogs to be neutered or spayed.

  I believe any human running for public office at the state and national level should also be neutered or spayed. It will focus the men and calm the women.

  I believe we cannot breed past the food and water supply. Population control of all species will be a difficult subject, a challenge to resolve, but we must, and I pledge to begin the discussions.

  I promise you I will think clearly. For instance, if a cat has kittens in the oven, that doesn’t make them biscuits. I will never try to confuse you with tricky stuff.

  I recognize that some predators are more dangerous than others. I will do my best to make appointments that allow for harmony.

  For all my Cabinet positions, I will request a veterinary report. For the humans in my Cabinet, I will have the vet check them out, too.

  Additional Campaign Information

  The Constitution does not specify that only a human can run for the office of President. One must be born a U.S. citizen and be thirty-five years of age or older. I qualify. I am fourteen, which in cat years is older than thirty-five, having been born in Albemarle County, Virginia. I currently live in Nelson County, Virginia.

  I need help in my campaign. I am not allowed by law or my publisher to solicit funds. Should you wish to help in any fashion, perhaps be my campaign chair in your state, go to:

  www.catprez.com

  My Facebook page is www.facebook.com/sneakypiebrown

  If all goes well, I will be able to hire Spotted Dog Productions, a mix of canine and human skills, to make weekly videos for you to download on all manner of devices.

  Thank you for considering me. Even if I do not become your candidate, please take citizenship seriously. Without your political participation, there will be change, but it probably won’t be the change that you would like to see.

>   Forward,

  Sneaky Pie Brown

  Rita Mae Brown,

  Human Campaign Manager

  Tee Tucker,

  Canine Campaign Manager

  A Note from Rita Mae Brown

  You never know. Behind my back, Sneaky Pie wrote out her political manifesto. If you picked up this book expecting a mystery, it’s not. Well, life’s a mystery, but this is a feline author’s desire for more representative government.

  Since I believe the difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the difference between syphilis and gonorrhea, I have given up. Part of this despair is fueled by what I see in candidates as well as many elected officials: They have exaggerated ideas of their own supremacy, to which minds not normal are especially inclined. Perhaps it was always this way and I now truly see it, or perhaps we are going through a particularly vicious cycle. But I fear nothing much can get done when people or political parties are extremist in views while demonizing all other outlooks. Compromise is possible only between parties, both of which can acknowledge to some extent the force of the other’s position.

  Therefore I am facing this presidential election with courageous indifference. It’s touching that Sneaky Pie is energized. Given all the aggressive banality, I’d settle for competent mediocrity. However, she will not.

  Touching though her political program may be, I was unhappy to find myself described herein as the Can Opener, C.O. for short. That cat knows my Christian name perfectly well. Despite this blow to my ego, I was fascinated with how she and the other animals look at what is needed for a good life.

  She has a clear vision, not clouded by ideology. She also refuses to engage in religious debate or pressure. This is wise, since it’s getting crowded at the foot of the Cross.

  With all the detritus of vested interests stripped away, the path does seem clear. The first thing one must take care of is Mother Earth. The next thing one must do is defend one’s borders. For Sneaky that always meant her hunting radius, but she now sees beyond that and perhaps farther than I do. She’s basic. If you can’t work and eat, what good are volumes of legislation about so many incidentals? I’m coming around to her views.

  She can’t be bought off. I can. I’d like to start with a flawless six-carat emerald-cut diamond, the color of gin and tonic. She’s better than I am. Even catnip won’t turn her head … much.

  So she will be my candidate. Not only do I believe in her honesty, I do know that he who denies skimmed milk to the cat must give the mouse cream.

  Always and Ever,

  Rita Mae Brown / C.O.

  In honor of the

  Montblanc Diplomat.

  Perfection. Pure and Simple.

  BOOKS BY RITA MAE BROWN & SNEAKY PIE BROWN

  Wish You Were Here

  Rest in Pieces

  Murder at Monticello

  Pay Dirt

  Murder, She Meowed

  Murder on the Prowl

  Cat on the Scent

  Sneaky Pie’s Cookbook for

  Mystery Lovers

  Pawing Through the Past

  Claws and Effect

  The Big Cat Nap

  Catch as Cat Can

  The Tail of the Tip-Off

  Whisker of Evil

  Cat’s Eyewitness

  Sour Puss

  Puss ’n Cahoots

  The Purrfect Murder

  Santa Clawed

  Cat of the Century

  Hiss of Death

  BOOKS BY RITA MAE BROWN FEATURING “SISTER” JANE ARNOLD

  Outfoxed

  Hotspur

  Full Cry

  The Hunt Ball

  The Hounds and the Fury

  The Tell-Tale Horse

  Hounded to Death

  BOOKS BY RITA MAE BROWN

  Animal Magnetism: My Life with

  Creatures Great and Small

  The Hand That Cradles the Rock

  Songs to a Handsome Woman

  The Plain Brown Rapper

  Rubyfruit Jungle

  In Her Day

  Six of One

  Southern Discomfort

  Sudden Death

  High Hearts

  Started from Scratch

  A Different Kind of Writer’s

  Manual

  Bingo

  Venus Envy

  Dolley: A Novel of Dolley

  Madison in Love and War

  Riding Shotgun

  Rita Will: Memoir of a Literary

  Rabble-Rouser

  Loose Lips

  Alma Mater

  Sand Castle

  DON’T MISS THE TAIL-WAGGING NEW MYSTERY SERIES—A NOSE FOR JUSTICE AND MURDER UNLEASHED!

  About the Authors

  RITA MAE BROWN has written many bestsellers and received two Emmy nominations. She loves to write, as the list of published works in the front of this book proves. She hopes you love what you do. She and Sneaky Pie live with several other rescued animals.

  SNEAKY PIE BROWN, a tiger cat rescue, has written many mysteries—witness her list at the front of this book. Having to share credit with the above-named human is a small irritant, but she manages it. Anything is better than typing, which is what “Big Brown” does for the series. Sneaky calls her human that name behind her back, after the wonderful Thoroughbred racehorse. As her human is rather small, it brings giggles among the other animals. Sneaky’s main character—Mrs. Murphy, a tiger cat—is a bit sweeter than Miss Pie, who can be caustic.