“He’s a prick, that’s why. Have you told your solicitor?”
“I will. God, I just want all of this to be over and be able to get on with my life. I want to be free of Phil and move forward.” My self-confidence is holding on by a thread. Each conversation with Phil reminds me of how stupid I’ve been. Why did I put up with this?
“I know you do, and you will. Just be patient, Izzy.”
“Can we change the subject? It makes me so angry, and you know I get emotional when I’m angry.”
Jess can’t disguise her giggles. “Sorry, you’re just so cute when you’re angry.” She knows full well that I don’t do well at getting angry. “When’s Seb back?”
“I don’t know. He said after New Year, but I don’t want to start pressuring him already. I need to look for a flat. I know you’ll let me stay here, but I need to try and get some independence back in my life.” I busy my hands and pretend that I’ve not thought of moving in with Seb as a solution to my housing issue. It’s a stupid fantasy, and one that would go against everything I need to do right with this relationship. I want to take my time with Seb and not jeopardise our future by rushing into anything on a romantic whim, even if it’s now a fantasy I can see myself becoming absorbed in.
“I get it, Iz. I do. I’ll help as well, alright?”
“Thanks. Now, what have you been up to? And how’s Greg?” I move the conversation to safer territory.
“Greg and I are good. It’s only been a few dates, though. We’ll see.”
“It looked like you were into him at New Year—or was he ‘into’ you?” Raising an eyebrow at her, I grin. We both burst into giggles, the perfect antidote to my dour mood.
Seb calls at 9:00 p.m. It’s become our usual time to talk. I try to sound positive, but the combined weight of Phil’s conversation, flat hunting and missing Seb is just too great not to feel glum.
“I can tell you’re not happy, Izzy. Talk to me.”
“Phil phoned today. It appears I’m going to have to fight with him over the settlement. I just want it to be over, and he’s not going to let that happen. He threatened me and it actually worked. He frightens me.”
There’s a long pause while I wait to see what Seb will say.
“I want to know whenever Phil calls you or contacts you in any way. Do you understand, Isabel?” His voice sounds harsher, more commanding, and it grasps my full attention. “And keep up with your texts to me. I might be away, but I still need to know you’re safe.” His commanding voice tells me he won’t waver on this.
“Okay, I will text you during the day and I’ll let you know if Phil contacts me.”
“Good. I’ll be back soon. I promise.”
“It feels like it’s been months since I’ve seen you. I know that it’s only been days, but the thought those days might turn to weeks hurts.”
“Sweetheart, I will be with you as soon as I can. I’ll see you this weekend.”
“You promise?”
“I promise. Now, what have you got planned for the week?”
“I need to start flat hunting, but aside from that, only work.”
“Flat hunting?”
“Yes, I can’t stay with Jess for much longer. I need to start looking for a place to live.” Seb’s quiet for a moment. “Seb?”
“I don’t want you flat hunting.”
“Why not? Jess’s isn’t a permanent solution. Right now, I need something for me, to show that I can be my own person.” There’s another pregnant pause.
“After you finalise the divorce, what do you plan on doing?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t really thought that far ahead,” I lie. I’ve thought about being with Seb. Properly. No baggage of a divorce or marriage hanging around my neck.
“You don’t need to flat hunt because you can move in with me.”
Now I pause. What? My heart contracts with love and fear. His offer is everything that I want. In the future. The timing is all wrong now. Surely he doesn’t want me to run from my marriage straight into his arms? It’s too fast, not right. I need to get the divorce first. We didn’t start our relationship the way we should have. I want to make up for that.
“Izzy, are you going to say something?”
“I’m… I’m not sure. Don’t you think it’s a bit fast? We’ve not had any real time to explore our relationship.”
“No.” He doesn’t elaborate. The tension is clear even over the phone.
“Will you call me tomorrow?”
“Of course I will.”
“Aren’t you going to ask me anything else? Try and talk me round?” I hear the huff of his sigh on the other end.
“No, I’m not. If you need some time to adjust to the idea, fine, but this will happen. It’s time you understood how much I want to take care of you, properly look after you. I couldn’t before, and now that I can, I have no intention of being subtle about it. Remember to keep me posted by text.” I’m stunned. How can I argue with him when everything he says sounds so wonderful?
“I will.”
“Okay then. Think about us, Izzy. Think about all of the good that we’ve only been able to grasp at. I want it all the time with you. Good night.”
Flat hunting is utterly depressing. Jess and I have gone from one small, dreary room to the next. Nondescript, cramped, one-bed flats are all I can afford while still paying bills on the joint account with Phil.
I don’t want my life to take this turn, going backward just to get by, but my options are limited. Plus, the thought of my own independence, taking control of my life, keeps the flame of hope alive. My reality is setting in, and it might not be everything I dreamed, but it’s been of my making. My own space is something I can do for me, and only for me.
“They were all horrid, Izzy. You can’t possibly consider moving into one of them.” Jess isn’t shy about expressing her disgust.
“I know, but what else can I do? I can’t stay here forever.” We both drop down on the sofa, relieved to be back inside and warm.
“It’s barely been a few weeks, and I like having you around.”
“Thanks, Jess. I appreciate it.” I fidget and pull my feet up underneath me, gathering my courage to tell her about my conversation with Seb. “Seb asked me to move in with him.”
“What? When? And why am I only finding out about this now?” She’s suddenly on full alert.
“I said it was too soon.”
“Jeez, it is fast. I know you love him, but do you really know enough about him to be thinking of moving in?”
“Look, I already said it was too soon. He’s not even back from Manchester yet. I’m worried that if I move in I’ll be dependent on him. We’ve only known each other a few weeks, I’m still married and have been taken for a complete idiot by my husband for the last god-only-knows-how-many years. I don’t want to make another mistake with Seb. I’m sure waiting is the better option.” I say the words but can’t help wondering if I’m being stubborn for the sake of it.
“Just think about the house situation. I bet Seb won’t want you moving into one of those grotty places we’ve just seen. Remember you don’t have to go anywhere.” She stands up and heads towards the kitchen. “Cuppa?” she shouts back to me.
“Yes, please,” I call back.
I have a few more places to view later on in the week, but my initial enthusiasm at starting my new-found independence with a flat has crumbled. As has my hope of finding a hidden gem of a new place. I text Seb to let him know I’m home and try to determine what I want to do, in amongst everyone else’s opinions for me.
Bleary and cold, January is showing its icy teeth and I hate it. Everything is cold. The dingy flats I drag myself to see, my conversations with Seb, even his texts. The week has been horrid. It seems I have hurt his feelings by refusing to move in with him straight away, which is ridiculous when you look at the facts.
I arrive back at Jess’s and I’m greeted by a dark and empty house. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I’ll mis
s Jess’s company tonight. Waiting for Seb to come home this weekend is going to kill me. If he doesn’t make it then I will be making a surprise visit to Manchester.
I haven’t heard from him this afternoon, but I text him to let him know I’m home and will be waiting for him. I try to keep it light. The last thing I want is to be the insecure girlfriend. Still working on the trust. He promised to be home this weekend and that should be good enough for me.
I retreat to my room and glance at the clock on my phone. No sooner do I slump onto the bed than the doorbell rings. I groan at having to drag myself back downstairs, but I do. I open the door to see Phil standing on the step. My hackles rise and I’m instantly filled with dread.
“What do you want, Phil?” I pull the door close to me, blocking his path into the house.
“You don’t seem to understand me when I tell you that we won’t be getting a divorce. I thought a more direct approach would help.” He smiles, a nasty smile that makes my skin crawl. Adrenaline spikes my system. Being home alone with Phil on my doorstep sends an icy chill through my veins.
“No, Phil, I’m not playing. We’re getting a divorce. You can’t stop it, only cost yourself more money.”
“Oh no. After my money paid for the house, you won’t be seeing any of it.” He takes a step towards the door and I shove my weight behind it to close it on him. He shoves back, stopping me from locking him out.
“Stop it. Go away!” Panic grips my voice and makes me push harder.
“Why couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut? Everything was going fine. Now Sophie’s pissed at me and people at work are talking, thanks to Laura’s big mouth.”
Phil is bigger and stronger, but my fear sends adrenaline pumping into my muscles. I force my body against the door. My feet scramble for purchase on the floor. The air burns in my lungs as I hold my breath and force all of my weight into the wood, trying to shove it closed. The door wavers and I get pushed back. Fear clutches at me. My heartbeat pounds and my teeth clench. I can’t let him in. I can’t let him in.
I slip on the floor and fall, allowing the door to swing open. I scuttle backward in the hall as Phil prowls over the entrance.
“You don’t get to do this to me, Izzy. You are my wife and I call the shots here. You’re a fool for thinking you can try and dictate to me.” Phil’s enraged voice echoes inside the house.
My legs scramble beneath me as I stand up to him.
“I might be a fool, but not for wanting a divorce.”
“Why you stupid…” His face contorts as he pulls back his arm, ready to hit me.
“What the fuck are you doing in my house, Phil! Get out. Get out now. I’m calling the police.” Jess’s voice rescues my shredded nerves. Phil drops his arm and backs off from me as Jess storms past, coming to my side.
“Well? Out.” She faces off against him and he retreats.
“This isn’t over, Izzy.”
She slams the door shut after him and I slide down the wall and pull my legs up to my chest as adrenaline flees my body. My blood races through my veins and I take a few calming breaths. I sit. Anger and fear stew inside me as I think over Phil’s threats. It makes me feel sick. I can still hear him outside and so I close my eyes and block my mind, hoping he’ll go away.
“Are you alright? Izzy? Izzy, look at me.” Jess kneels beside me, a soft smile on her face. “Why don’t you come into the front room. I’ll put the kettle on.” Fear wins over my anger and roots me in place. I don’t want to move. I’m safe, Jess is home. I’m safe.
Gentle knocking startles me from the place I’ve mentally retreated to, but I don’t react. It continues.
“Go away, Phil. I’m not opening the door. If you don’t stop this, I’ll call the police!” Jess shouts.
“It’s me. Open up.” The deep tones of Seb’s voice break through my fear and my body kick-starts. I jump to greet him. I fumble with the lock. Seb flings the door open as soon as the lock opens and knocks me back trying to get to me. I’m engulfed in his strong arms as he pulls me into his embrace. Safe.
“Was Phil here? Did he hurt you? Look at me, Izzy.” His hands tilt my reluctant face to his. My eyes find his filled with concern. I can only hope I can hide the sadness in mine.
“He was, but he’s left. She’s just shaken, I think,” Jess offers.
“Thank you, Jess.” She disappears into the kitchen.
“I wasn’t sure when you’d make it back.” I look up at him feeling utterly relieved that he is here.
“I was on my way back to Bath when you texted me. You’re an amazing motivation, Isabel. Tell me what happened.”
“Phil turned up. He doesn’t want me to proceed with the divorce. He… threatened me when I couldn’t keep him out.” I see the steely look transform Seb’s face as he processes my words.
“I want you at my house. Now. Come on.” I happily comply as he releases me.
“Jess, I’m going with Seb, okay?” I shout through to her.
“Alright, hun. I’ll see you soon.” I grab my bag on the way out and let Seb take me away to safety.
The tension drains from my body the closer we get to Seb’s. Phil has left me rattled, but I don’t want him to cloud my time with Seb.
Seb parks the car and proceeds to pull his luggage from the boot.
“You didn’t come home first?” I’d have thought he would have dropped his things off before coming to see me.
“No. I wanted to get to you as soon as I could.” With every word he says, my heart swells and I forget the nagging doubts of the past week. “Make yourself at home. I’m just going to put this in the bedroom. Have you eaten?”
“Not yet.” Seb disappears into his room and leaves me in the kitchen. I survey his home and try to picture myself here. Yes, it’s beautiful, but can I see myself living here? With Seb? The house shouldn’t matter. The person I love will help make the home. It’s just so sudden. So fast.
I’ve gone from making all of the decisions in my life—what to cook in the evening, where to go, what Phil and I did when we used to be a couple—to being in control of nothing. Phil cheated and I’m likely going to end up in court because he’s contesting the divorce. I don’t have a house or home of my own. Everything is sliding through my fingers and it’s unsettled me more than I thought it would.
Yet, with Seb there is always a glimmer of hope.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Seb’s seductive whisper tickles my neck and I forget my introspection.
“I was just thinking about your home.”
“Oh, what about it?” Seb comes round to join me on the bar stool.
“Well, I was just thinking about what I’d consider in a home.”
“And?”
“And, you interrupted me.” I grin up at him, feeling playful for the first time in days.
“You’ll pay for that comment later. I want you to think seriously about moving in with me, especially after this evening.”
My attempt to lighten the mood has fallen on deaf ears. “It’s not that I don’t want to move in with you…”
“Good. That’s settled.”
“No. I don’t think now is the right time. Please, Seb. There is so much happening in my life right now. I don’t want to rush this and be reliant on you. I want to do this right, when we’re ready.”
“I’m not happy about you staying at Jess’s anymore. Phil knows you’re there, and you were terrified when I got to you earlier. What would have happened if I hadn’t shown up?”
“Jess was there. And I would have called the police.”
“You can’t always depend on Jess, or the police, to be there when you need them. I want to protect you and look after you. I want you in my home, Izzy.” In his eyes, I see the genuine desire to protect me. Again, I question why I’m fighting this. It’s what I want in the long run. But I can’t escape the voice in my head that’s shouting for me to do something that gives me some independence. Moving straight in with Seb doesn’t do that.
“This isn’t the evening back I had planned. Do you want to eat? I’ll order some take-away.”
“That sounds great.” I take a needed breath from the tension that surrounds this topic. This isn’t the reunion that I had planned either.
We eat in an awkward silence, neither one of us really sure what we want to say. Seb’s in constant contact with my thigh, his hand resting casually just below my hip. I know it’s there for a reason. I want his hand to caress and console me, to take me back to when he teased me to distraction and I struggled to eat my food. But a flash of disappointment runs through me when his hands stays put for the remainder of dinner.
I sneak a few sly glimpses at Seb from under my lashes. His handsome face has maintained a concentrated frown all through dinner. I want to lighten his mood, but I’m nervous. I don’t want to start a conversation about moving in again. My hand moves to slide up his jean-clad thigh. He’s kept his hand on me. Why shouldn’t I return his touch?
I watch his face to see if my movement has an effect on him. I slowly rub my palm in a soothing circle, moving higher and higher with each swipe. My fingers itch to explore and grow adventurous. They span out and reach for the crease of his hip. Seb rewards me with a small re-positioning in his seat. He still hasn’t said anything or moved his own hand away. My courage grows and I move my fingers to the inside of his leg and run them up towards his crotch.
“Izzy, don’t start something you don’t want to finish.” His warning lifts my spirits.
“Who says I don’t want to finish this?” I look up at him and he finally meets my gaze. Hungry eyes shine back at me and my pulse takes note.
“If you mean that, you’re missing something from your room.” My anklet. I’m off the stool immediately and headed to my room at a pace only just shy of running.
The bed is still un-made from when I left it on that disastrous night, less than a month ago. I take the jewellery box from the dresser and sit down on the bed. I didn’t change from work before seeing Seb. Luckily, I’m in trousers, otherwise I’d certainly be wearing tights. I fasten the anklet and let the light catch in the stones, shining their own happy chorus back up at me. I walk back to the kitchen at a more refined pace and wait for Seb’s instruction. He’s not in the kitchen anymore. I glance around and see he’s waiting in his chair in the sitting room. He’s brought a dining chair in as well, positioned in front of his chair. I move over towards him but wait for him to take the lead.
The Izzy and Seb Collection: The Evermore Series Books 1, 2 and 2.5 Page 32