Every Time It Rains

by Nikita Singh

  It was JD.

  Laila bent to look at him through the passenger seat window, but he continued staring ahead. Unsure whether he wanted her to get in, she reached for the door tentatively. JD remained still as a statue, while Laila climbed into the seat beside him. As soon as she shut the door, JD drove away.

  ‘JD…’

  ‘No.’ His voice was ice cold.

  Laila closed her mouth. After a few minutes, she realized that he was driving towards her house. She kept turning towards him from time to time as they drove, but he didn’t look at her, not even once. His car smelled like him and it engulfed Laila. She yearned to hear his voice. She longed to be close to him. She contemplated reaching out for his hand, but if he wouldn’t even speak to her or look at her, she doubted he’d appreciate her touching him. So they spent the drive in absolute silence.

  When he finally pulled up in front of her house, Laila unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to him again. He’d kept the engine running, as if expecting her to get the hell out of his car and never bother him with her presence again. But he’d come for her and driven her home, so no matter how much he hated her, he did care about her at least a little. She needed to apologize to him and she had to make sure he listened.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she blurted out. ‘I know what I did was unfair to you and I’m sorry.’

  ‘Leave.’

  ‘JD, listen to me.’

  His jaw tightened briefly. He turned off the key and looked at Laila. His voice was gruff when he said forcefully, ‘If you’re going to leave, just go.’

  He was looking at her with so much anguish in his face that Laila could barely keep herself together. ‘I’m not going to leave.’

  ‘Oh yeah? Isn’t that exactly what you did? You got up and left. Without a word to me—not a single word.’

  ‘JD, I can explain.’

  ‘I don’t need your explanation. What I know is enough for me. From the very beginning, you haven’t given a fuck about me. You didn’t care if I was a part of your life or not. But I wanted you in my life, so I made sure it happened. You were never as excited to see me as I was to see you. You never cared about me as much as I cared about you. You never loved me, but I’m pretty sure I’d started falling for you from the very first time I saw you.’

  Laila opened her mouth to respond, but couldn’t think of anything to say. He was right. She had been selfish. She had only cared about herself and never stopped to think about him. And the guilt showed on her face now.

  ‘You know what?’ JD said bitterly. ‘That night when you told me your darkest secrets, I still thought that you were the best person in the world. But who are we kidding? You never felt the same way about me. You were never in this at all!’

  The fury in JD’s gaze forced Laila to look away. All she could do was mumble, ‘That’s not true.’

  ‘What?’

  Laila slowly looked up at him again. ‘You’re mad at me, and you’re lashing out. You’re saying things that hurt you to hurt me. And that’s okay. I deserve it. But you can’t say I wasn’t in this, because I was. And I do love you.’

  It was as if JD heard the words, but didn’t allow himself to actually hear them. ‘No,’ he said. ‘You don’t love me.’

  ‘I do!’

  ‘Don’t fight me on this, Laila! I know what love feels like, and this sure as hell isn’t it!’ JD said angrily.

  ‘I’ve done this before; I know how this works. This is exactly what happened with my friend. The only difference is that he had cancer; he was an asshole to me because of cancer. I stuck by his side while he made fun of me, said and did mean things all the time … but I stayed, because he was my friend and I loved him. You … you never loved me. I didn’t mind that, and I chased you like an idiot anyway, making a fool of myself—and you let me do it, even when you never loved me. You were looking for a reason to get rid of me, and you took the first one that came your way. What’s your excuse?’

  ‘It’s not like that, JD. It’s not,’ Laila said desperately. ‘You have to believe me.’

  ‘You left me and ran away—’

  ‘That’s not what—’

  ‘Then what the fuck happened, Laila? What the fuck did I do to make you so mad that you had to leave the city without a word to anyone? Do you have any idea what it did to me? Do you even care?’ JD shrugged, as if losing all fight within himself and said, ‘All I can think of is … that night … What? Were you pissed off at me for trying to protect you?’

  ‘No,’ Laila said. ‘No, it wasn’t about you. None of it was about you.’

  ‘Then what the hell was it about?’ When Laila looked away, trying to decide where to begin, he said, ‘You have to tell me. I deserve to know why I was punished for something that wasn’t even about me.’

  Laila nodded, raising her hand to make JD stop talking. She sniffed, gulped and looked up at him. She held his eyes and as if needing physical support from him, she reached for his hands. To her relief, he didn’t pull away. He looked much less guarded than moments before. He was still angry, but Laila could also see concern and confusion. Holding both of his hands in hers, she spoke. ‘I have panic attacks. It turns out that physical abuse is a major trigger. That night … when you hit those men, you also pushed me away pretty hard. It was an accident, I know that. But I had an attack right there.’

  ‘Laila,’ JD was squeezing her hands in his, his eyes tortured. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize—did I hurt you? Were you hurt? Oh, God! I didn’t even—’

  ‘No, it was nothing,’ Laila said quickly. ‘JD, look at me. It was nothing. You didn’t hurt me. But it was scary for me … because…’

  ‘I’m so, so sorry,’ JD breathed.

  Laila extracted her hand from his and held a finger against his lips. ‘If we’re going to do this full disclosure thing, you have to let me speak.’ Her hand traced the edge of his jaw and slipped down to his shoulder. JD held it there, and Laila said, ‘It was scary for me because I was abused. In my marriage. I told you about Abhishek, remember? What I didn’t tell you was that the night he got hit by a car and died, he had beaten me up, raped me and was chasing me across the city when I ran to protect myself.’

  So many expressions crossed JD’s face at once that it became unbearable for Laila to continue looking at him. He looked tormented, his eyes wide in shock, disbelief and then finally, fury. Laila kept holding his hand in one of hers while he held her other hand to his chest. She spoke as calmly as possible, explaining what had happened with Abhishek and how it had affected her. She told him about how her heart broke the first time Abhishek hit her, and the horror of the second time. She told him about the panic attacks she’d had ever since that night. She told him about the dark place. She told him she never wanted to return there.

  JD listened to her, his teeth clenched together. He maintained eye contact with her the entire time and Laila saw emotions flicker through his eyes as she spoke. She explained the conflicted emotions she felt when she thought of Abhishek, how the unanswered questions still weighed her down and pulled her back into the dark place from time to time. And finally, she told him about her father.

  When she was finished, Laila said, ‘I wasn’t looking for a reason to end things with you. I was helpless. I can’t control how I feel, or my panic attacks. Truth is, I wanted to stay. I can’t tell you how much I wish that that stupid incident had never happened. I mean, first of all, it was really stupid. To hit those men, who were drunk and didn’t know what the fuck they were doing. They could’ve hurt you badly. Did you ever stop to think about that?’

  ‘I couldn’t let them treat you like that!’ JD said fiercely. ‘I’ll never let anyone treat you like that!’

  Laila knew he meant Abhishek, and she felt a warmth spread through her belly. She had been living with this for years, she knew how to supress it or even forget it sometimes. But JD had just found out about it, and he was hurting. ‘I know,’ Laila said softly.

  He looked so vulnerable, so tortu
red, when he muttered through gritted teeth, ‘That asshole.’

  ‘It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anymore.’

  ‘I swear to God, if he were alive, I would kill him right now.’

  ‘That’s not helping.’ Laila laughed, but her face fell a second later.

  JD looked at her, holding her face between both his hands. ‘I’m not like him. I will never lay a finger on you, no matter what happens. And as for me wanting to hit someone who mistreats you and spits on you or me wanting to kill that asshole who … who raped you … No, Laila, it’s not the same. It’s the exact opposite.’

  A tear flowed down her cheek as Laila laughed again. ‘That’s exactly what Maahi said. That what you did was the opposite of what Abhishek did. Also said that she would’ve punched those men from that night too.’

  ‘See, I like that girl. We think alike.’

  Laila laughed louder. The sun had almost set, leaving them in partial darkness inside the car. Laila was thankful for that as her lips began to quiver and she sniffed back tears. JD pulled her close, and in one swift motion, he kissed her. She felt the warm pressure of his lips as they moved around hers. She looked up at him to find his eyes closed. She reached out and placed a hand over his chest, bunching his shirt up and pulled him closer to her.

  JD groaned and pulled back. He looked at her and she had barely had a chance to catch her breath when he came back in, more intensely than before. His lips felt soft, despite the pressure behind them. As the kiss grew deeper, Laila snaked both her arms around his neck and held him close to her. They were a mess—a mixture of moans and groans and gasps. When their mouths began to demand more than they could deliver right then, they finally broke away, panting.

  Laila rested her head on his shoulder, her face hidden in his chest. They stayed there like that for a long time with Laila listening to his heartbeat, quick and erratic at first, and then slowly calmer.

  She closed her eyes and said. ‘I’m sorry you felt that I never cared about you. I know I could do a much better job expressing my feelings. I don’t mean to be cold or uncaring. I just … had trouble accepting that I cared about you and showing it. You have to understand that I haven’t had anyone look out for me in a long time. So I’ve got used to looking out for myself and no one else. I’m selfish!’

  ‘That’s not true,’ JD said so softly that Laila barely heard him.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You look out for Maahi. You’re not selfish.’

  Laila pulled back and looked at JD in the dark. ‘That’s different. That’s friendship, that’s sacred. Maahi’s never going to cheat on me or betray my trust or physically abuse me!’

  ‘Those aren’t the things people do in relationships.’

  ‘Which world are you living in?’

  ‘Fair enough,’ JD said after a moment’s thought. ‘But those aren’t things people should do in relationships. And they certainly aren’t things I would do to you.’

  ‘I know,’ Laila said quietly and then smiled, remembering something. ‘But I have to warn you—it’ll still be super-mega-absurdly complicated.’

  ‘I know.’

  There was a smile on JD’s face, but Laila could tell that there was still something bothering him. For a moment, it felt as if he was going to let it go, but then he spoke. ‘You have to promise me that you won’t bail—whatever happens. You can’t just get up and leave without telling me, or even with telling me. You just can’t leave.’

  ‘Sounds a lot like you’re holding me hostage.’ Laila tried to laugh, but paused when she saw his face.

  ‘I won’t always have a solution. Hell, I won’t always even understand what you’re going through, so I definitely won’t know how to solve it. I just need to know what it is. That’s all. You just need to tell me what you’re feeling.’

  ‘I promise. I won’t leave. I won’t hide.’

  ‘Good. I know I can’t take care of you. You don’t need me to either. But maybe I can help, just a little bit, by being there. And I want to be there.’

  ‘Yes, JD,’ Laila said reassuringly, her heart expanding with joy. She was happy, and she didn’t want him to worry about her. She wanted him to be happy too. ‘I won’t push you away again. I’m in this. I love you.’

  ‘Okay, yeah, about that,’ JD said matter-of-factly. ‘Just so we’re clear on our definitions of love, I don’t throw that term around casually.’

  ‘Me neither.’

  ‘Let me finish—I don’t do lukewarm. I don’t want anything to do with lukewarm. I want crazy-for-you-will-die-without-you. I don’t want a “right now”. I want a lifetime. And I want it with you. I’m all in.’

  Laila’s lips stretched into a wide smile as her mouth closed on JD’s. She could barely kiss him because she was smiling so much. She whispered between kisses, ‘All in.’

  EPILOGUE

  ONE MONTH LATER

  ‘God, woman, you infuriate me!’ JD threw his hands in the air, his eyes wide with exasperation.

  ‘This is our final offer. Take it or leave it.’ Laila sat back against the living room sofa, her expression smooth and unyielding, struggling to hide her grin. Maahi, sitting next to her, nodded her approval.

  JD looked from Laila to Maahi and then back at Laila. There was a crack of thunder; it had been raining all day. After a moment of staring, when he realized they weren’t going to budge, he picked up his disgusting tequila with coffee ice cream cocktail and drained it. ‘Fine,’ he muttered, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.

  As soon as he said that, Laila and Maahi burst out laughing. They’d been trying to make him put a cupcake with chilli and garlic on the RH menu. Of course, they were only joking, and couldn’t believe JD actually bought their performance.

  ‘You people are ridiculous!’ he said.

  ‘It was her idea,’ Maahi immediately put the blame on Laila.

  ‘As is everything,’ Laila grumbled. Their collaboration with Roast House had been going smoothly apart from a few glitches they fixed along the way. In a few weeks, they would be ready to ship out the first batch of Cookies + Cupcakes products to sell at Roast House shops across north India. They couldn’t be more excited about that.

  ‘All right, guys, it’s midnight and I don’t know about you, but I need to work tomorrow,’ Maahi said, getting up. ‘Waise bhi, amongst us, I’m the one who does all the work.’

  ‘Haan, zaroor,’ Laila said, bowing down to Maahi. ‘You’re the one holding the fort down.’

  ‘Good night,’ JD called.

  ‘’Night!’ Maahi said. She paused at the door and turned around to wink at Laila, who responded with narrowing her eyes at her friend. There was something going on with her, something she was keeping from Laila. Maahi had told her that Siddhant had texted her a few days ago to say he was sorry she had to find out about his girlfriend like that, and they’ve been texting ever since. Maahi said they were just friends, but Laila was pretty sure Maahi’s feelings for Siddhant were way more than friendly. She just hoped that her friend knew what she was getting into this time.

  Laila slipped down on the carpet next to JD.

  He put an arm around her and pulled her to him. ‘Hey,’ he murmured.

  His voice caused the hair at the back of her neck to rise. They had the best time together. Both of them worked really hard, but since their work was happening together at the moment, they got to spend a lot of time together at work too. He still annoyed her, sang ‘Meri Pyari Bindu’ in her ear when other people were around, showed up at her house or work unannounced and did all the other small and big things that made her fall deeper in love with him.

  Life had given her a fresh dream she had never considered. One day, JD had found her, and decided to keep her. He stayed, and had stuck around with her. Laila was fine before him. But it was only after she met him that she realized that she could be happy too. All the time. Just constantly happy. Even when it rained.

  Especially when it rained. She no longer needed to hide
from the rain; she no longer felt as if something was missing; she found everything she wanted in him.

  JD’s hand cradled the back of Laila’s head as he leaned in to kiss her. He pulled back and grinned down at her.

  ‘Hey,’ Laila whispered back. She was ready to wake up to any new unexpected surprises life had to offer now. Hopeful and fearless.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  As always, a lot of love and support from the wonderful people around me went into the making of this book. Cheesy as it may sound, I’m grateful for this opportunity to express gratitude!

  My parents, who don’t always understand my reasons and motivations, but support me regardless. My brother, Nishant Malay, for invariably having my back. All my cousins—Deep Bhaiya, Prishita Bhabhi, Toshi Bhaiya, Avi, Shaina, Shreela, Mohit, Sumi, Mili, Shreya and Tutu. Love, love, love you!

  Shout out to those brave enough to read the first draft of this book—Alka Singh, always my first reader and self-proclaimed biggest-fan. Laura Duarte Gómez, for the much needed words of assurance and excitement! Keith Baldwin, your feedback was kind of unexpected and much appreciated! Manasi Subramaniam, for loving JD and the orange as much I did, if not more. Creep alert.

  Writing this book was not easy, and while my distress was expected and acceptable, the stress that I put my friends through was perhaps avoidable. So, thank you and sorry! Nejla Asimovic, for staying up with me late at nights trying to answer my ‘why do people do things?’ questions. Ava Mailloux, for cursing out everything in the world with me when I was too frustrated to be productive. Ritu Srikanungo, for showing me where the best Indian food in Manhattan’s at, every time I missed home. Lauren, for existing and Christopher for existing with her. Sandra and Yannick, for bringing sushi into my life (random, but of importance).

  My agent, Anish Chandy, and my dream team at HarperCollins—Ananth Padmanabhan, Amrita Talwar and Prerna Gill. You guys make it look so easy!

  You, for reading. (Seriously though, I hope you like the book.)