by Delisa Lynn
I kiss my three-and-a-half year old twins.
“Mumma not leave,” Madison says.
“I’ll be back, my sweet girls.”
Addison hugs me and says, “Miss you, Mumma.”
They are so sweet. They don’t understand that I’ll only be gone a couple days. I hope they don’t throw a fit on their daddy.
Heather invited me to her wedding. As excited as I am, I’m nervous about being in New York again. I haven’t been there in four years. Brody is living in Ohio with Nikki; they got engaged last year. He opened up his own law firm there, and she is now a law professor at OSU.
***
On the plane, I wonder what it will be like to step back in that big ol’ city again. So many thoughts are running through my mind—thoughts about all the people I've met there and the ones I've loved and lost.
I need to get Evan out of my mind, but he's never left it. I can’t stop loving him; I've tried. I haven’t contacted him personally since my father’s funeral. I’ve looked him up online a couple times. He’s a wonderful lawyer.
I take a cab to the hotel and check in. It's just as beautiful now as it was years ago. Evan and I stayed here once. We were tired of our beds and just wanted a night away from the college scene. It was a magical night.
I call Heather and she says we aren’t meeting until tomorrow evening. I decide I’ll grab lunch and relax. I’m starving. I go to The Corner Café and grab lunch since the café is just around the corner from the hotel. I don’t think anyone will notice me. I've gained a little weight and I wear my hair a lot shorter than I did back then.
I enter the café and the aroma is wonderful. One thing I miss about living here is this place; they need one back home. Instead of sitting down and ordering, I go through the express line.
While standing in line, I smell a scent that I know I've smelled many times before. I can’t quite remember exactly where I know it from. It's strong and smells so familiar. It's a scent I have smelled more than once. When the barista says, “Next,” I catch a glimpse of someone out of the corner of my eye.
Oh my God, it’s him! He isn’t alone; he's with the one person I wished he wasn’t with. Trying not to let them see me, I order my BLT and sweet tea quietly. I try to get my debit card out of my wallet and drop my purse. It falls to the floor. Of course, they turn and see me. Damn it, just my fucking luck.
“Lila Carls? Is that you?”
I turn and face them. “Well hello, Alyssa…and Evan. How are the two of you?”
She looks the same, just a little uglier. Yep, she's still skankzilla. What the hell does he see in her?
“What brings you here?” Alyssa asks.
“I’m here for a friend’s wedding.”
Evan stares at me, not saying a word.
“So Lila Carls, did you become a lawyer?” Alyssa asks.
“Yes, I did and it’s actually Lila Carls-Ellis.”
Evan drops his head.
“Oh, you married that army guy after all?” She runs her hand over Evan’s and stares me up and down.
“Yes, I did marry Liam. Did y’all get married?” I ask.
Evan speaks up. “No, we're just friends.”
She looks at him like she wants to punch him in the throat. “I’ve been trying to hook this man for years, but he would rather stay single except for on those lonely nights when he wants some attention, if you know what I mean?”
This bitch really wants me to know she and Evan are screwing.
“Well, it was good seeing the two of you. Have a good day.” I almost run out the door. God, he's still as attractive as he was years ago. I want to talk to him more.
***
I go back to my hotel and wonder where Evan is now. I call Nikki; she says he still lives in the loft.
“What are you doing? You're married and you left him years ago.”
“I just want to talk to him, Nik.”
“Please be careful, and if you decide to cheat on your husband, be smart about it.”
“Nicole Paige! Why would you say that to me?”
“Just looking out for my best friend, Lila Rae. I love you; call me when you’re finished.”
“Thanks, Nik. Please don’t tell Brody.”
I finish eating and call Liam.
“Hello, my love, how are you and my mini me’s?”
“Hey, beautiful. We miss you already. We're on the beach and they have me looking for T-Cells.”
I laugh. They're trying to say seashells.
“They'll have you out there all night.”
“We’ve been out here for hours already; they love the beach as much as their momma does.”
“Okay, love, I’m going to get some sleep. I’ll call you later.”
“Sleep well, beautiful. We love you.”
“I love you three more. Kiss Ads and Mads for me.”
I don’t dare mention my old friend. I call a cab and head to Evan’s. The first thing I notice when I get there is that Evan has a newer car, if that's his. Before, he drove an older Camaro. Now he's driving a Range Rover.
I walk to the door. I feel my knees get shaky. I ring the doorbell. As soon as I start to turn and walk away, Evan opens the door.
“Well, hello stranger.”
“Hi, Evan. Are you alone?”
“Yes, I am.”
“May I come in?”
He holds the door open and steps to the side. The loft looks the same—well, maybe he has different electronics—but everything else is exactly the same. He even has the same couch that we used to make love on.
Being back in his loft brings back so many memories.
“How have you been? Where is the Camaro?”
He runs his hands through his hair. God, he's beautiful.
“I’m okay. The Camaro is back home because I don't drive it much anymore. How are you and Liam?”
“We’re good. I thought you and Alyssa were together?” I say, unable to hide the disgust in my voice. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that. Oh, I was hoping you didn’t get rid of that car. I always loved it.”
“You know how I feel about Alyssa. And I could never get rid of old lady; you know I love that car.”
“Oh, I just thought…maybe because of the way she said things…” I clear my throat and change the subject. “Are you a lawyer now?”
“Yes, I am actually. I’m thinking of moving back to Utah and opening a practice there.”
“That would be great. How is your father doing?”
“He’s doing pretty good, just taking things day by day. My aunt Frances still helps him out. What brings you here to New York?”
“I’m here for Heather’s wedding. You remember her, don’t you?”
“She used to date Lance, right?”
“Yes, that’s her. She’s marrying Dustin Nelson.”
“I haven’t seen either of them in years,” Evan says.
“Heather and I have stayed in contact. She and Margie flew in for my wedding so I thought it was only fair I come to hers.”
“How are your daughters? Brody told me about the wedding and how cute they are. He said they look just like you.”
“Would you like to see pictures of them?”
“Of course.”
I look for pictures that Liam isn’t in.
“This was just last week. Addie is the one in the pink and Maddie is in the yellow.”
“They do look just like you with that curly blonde hair.”
“I know, I feel sorry for them. I hate my hair.”
“I see you’ve changed it.” I can’t believe he noticed after all these years.
“It’s so much easier to take care of.”
“Why has it taken you this long to contact me?” he asks, staring a hole in my soul.
Ah, hell. Do I say when I saw you in the café, I wanted to kiss and fuck you right there on the damn table?
“I’m not sure. I’ll be honest with you, not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and
the time we spent together. I love my husband with everything that I am, but I also still love you. And I wanted to see you. I'm here and I thought this would be the perfect time. I’ll go if you want me to. I know how hard it was for you to get over me.”
“Over you? I never got over you! I love you as much today as I did five fucking years ago! When I saw you at your father’s funeral, it took everything I had not to scoop you up in my arms and just take you away. Then when we went to the guesthouse and made love, it broke me. I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. My heart was broken in twenty fucking pieces. You are my everything, Lila. I've never loved and wanted anything as bad as I want you,” he says, his eyes filling up with tears.
“Oh, sweetie, I didn’t mean to…uh…I better go.”
He grabs my arm. When he touches me, I get chills all through my body. “You don’t have to go. We can catch up; my love for you will never change. I've tried dating other girls, but they just aren’t you. I even finally found Brynlea. She was back in Utah. Her parents did make her abort the baby, and then they sent her to West Virginia to her grandparents.”
I scoot closer and place my hand on his arm. I’m not sure if I should or not, especially since I’m still attracted to him. Oh God, am I ever still attracted to him. I can feel his pain and I just want to take it all away. With every word he speaks, I can feel myself biting my lips.
“I’m so sorry,” I say.
He places his hand on mine while we sit there and fill each other in on the last four years. He knows a lot about my life from Brody, of course, but they never tell me anything about him.
“What are you doing for dinner?” I ask.
“Whatever you want to do.”
I smile; that's my Evan. What am I thinking? I’m a married woman and I want to hang out with my old fling…wait, he was much more than a fling. I love him so much.
“I’m staying at that hotel by the café.”
He gives me a sad look. Oh God, I bet he remembers that hotel.
“What are you doing now?” he asks.
“I was hoping to hang out with you. I've missed you and it's great to be with you.”
He smiles and chokes back his tears. “You don’t even know how much this means to me. Would you like a beer?”
“Sure, that sounds good.”
What am I doing? I feel like a teenager who has a crush on an older guy that my parents have forbidden me to see. How I would love to be in his arms, in his bed.
“Here you go, darlin’.”
Evan hands me my beer. The way he looks me in my eyes sends goose bumps up and down my arms.
“You cold?” he asks.
“Oh no, I’ll be okay. How about we go to the café and walk around Central Park?”
“That sounds great.”
I have to get out of his place. I’m having thoughts a married woman shouldn’t have. We head to the café. I’m not hungry considering I've just eaten. Well, I’m hungry for Evan. God, I just want to taste him one more time. It’s been four years. I’ve been yearning for his touch.
“Sitting here with you feels great,” Evan says.
“It brings back so many memories. Do you remember that time we came here around two in the morning because I wanted a BLT only from here?”
“I was just thinking about that.”
I smile at him. I reach across the table and touch his hand.
“How are you really? Are things good with you and Liam? I know he went through a lot when he was gone.”
“Things are perfect with Liam and me. He never changed. What do you think about Nikki and Brody getting married?”
“I think it’s great. I was a little shocked, but I know how much he loves her.”
“She's absolutely in love with that man. I’ve never seen her this happy. Thanks for bringing me here. I’m really enjoying myself.”
“No problem. What are friends for?”
I give him a half-smile; I can see that he's still hurting from all the pain I caused him.
“How long are you staying?” he asks.
“I’ll be here for a few more days. My mom and Eric’s girlfriend said they would help Liam with the twins. Oh, Eric started dating again.”
“That’s great. He really loved Addison. I always wondered if he would move on.”
“It has taken him a while. He met Kaylyn at UC. She’s studying to become a nurse practitioner. She's a terrific woman; my mom adores her. They found the young guy who killed Ads. He was sentenced to life without any possibility of parole. I was so happy that justice was served, but he not only took the life of Ads and her baby, he also hung himself a year after he was convicted.”
“Oh wow, I’m glad they found him. I wish I could have been there for you.”
“I know, Evan. Me too.” I squeeze his hand tighter.
We walk through the park, holding hands. It's beautiful; I really miss this place.
“You want to go back to the hotel with me?” I ask. “We can get a couple drinks.”
“That would be great.”
We sit at the bar for hours, drinking and talking.
“I’m having so much fun. I’ve really missed you,” I say.
“I’m also having a good time. I think you, my friend, have had too much to drink.”
I think I've had at least four screwdrivers and a martini. I was hoping that maybe drinking would take all my feelings for Evan away.
“Would you like to dance, darlin’?”
“I thought you would never ask, Mr. Martin.”
I smile as he pulls me close. The song is “Won’t Let Go” by Rascal Flatts. He sings in my ear.
“Lila, I’ll always stand by you, no matter what.”
I lean my head on his shoulder. Great, another song to remind me of him. Hell, who am I kidding? Almost everything reminds me of him.
He notices my bracelet. “You still have that?”
“Of course I do. It broke a few times, but I got it fixed each time. I even wore it on my wedding day.”
There are huge tears in his eyes. “Li-Lila, that's great.”
He holds me tighter. When the song ends, he says, “I won’t ever let you go. You can always run back to me.”
I have to choke back my own damn tears.
“Evan, I think I should go lie down. I’ve had a wonderful time.”
“I’ll take you to your room.”
We walk to the elevator and I grab his hand. Oh fuck, why did I do that?
“Why don’t you come in with me?”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea. You’ve had a lot to drink. Darlin’, I would have to say you're drunk.”
“No, I’m fine. Please don’t leave me. I need you.”
I place my hands on his face, look deeply into his eyes, and kiss him. He tries backing away, but I push harder. He finally grabs me and pulls me into him. The passion in the kiss is everything that I've missed about Evan.
“As much as I want you, we can’t do this,” Evan says.
“I love you. I've always loved you. I have needed you for so long. Please give me this.”
I notice the tears in his eyes. “I’ll give you whatever you want.”
He kisses me harder and we start undressing each other. He kisses my breasts and bites my nipples. Holy hell, I've missed this man something fierce. He makes his way down my stomach.
“Please give me all of you,” I say. “Show me how much you love and missed me.”
“I want you so bad. Are you sure you want this? There's no turning back, my love.”
“I want you. I want to feel you inside of me. I want you to love me.” I grab him and guide him inside of my opening. “Oh my God!”
“I've missed making sweet love to you.”
Evan pushes into me harder and faster. It feels so good.
“Ev-Ev-Evan, har-har-harder.” I moan into his mouth.
“I can’t hold it anymore. I’m coming, baby, I’m coming.”
He grabs my hips and thrusts into
me as hard as he can. As he does, I feel him come inside of me.
“Oh fuck, I’ve missed your body just as much as I've missed you,” he says.
***
As we lie in bed together, neither of us speak for hours. We just hold each other, and for the first time in four years, I cry silently. I've just cheated on my husband—the love of my life—with a man that I fell madly in love with. Evan and I knew we could never be together because I belong to another man that stole my heart, a man who I promised I would be his forever. That promise has caused me so much pain and has made me hurt the only other man I've ever loved.
“Are you okay?” Evan asks.
“I’m fine. Will you just hold me all night?” As I say that, I feel the tears running down my face.
“If that’s what you want, I’ll stay here all night, sweetheart.”
“Thanks, I really need to feel your arms around me.”
What have I done? How can I ever face my husband again? I fall asleep in Evan’s arms and wake up to his wonderful kisses.
“Good morning, pretty lady.”
“Good morning to you too, handsome. I’ll order breakfast.”
I order our breakfast and we make love again while waiting for it. My phone starts ringing—oh God, Liam.
“Hello. Hi, love, how are you? No, I’m fine, just woke up. What are my girls doing? Hi, Mads, Mommy loves you too. Where’s your sister? Hi, Ads. Mommy misses you both. I’ll talk to you soon. Liam? Okay love, I’ll call you later. I love you, too.”
I try not to let Evan see me crying. He comes over and puts his arms around me. I sob into his chest.
“Evan, I’m a horrible wife, mother, and friend. I broke your heart once and here I am again, doing the same thing.”
“You’re a wonderful mother, wife, and friend. I’m the one who fell for you. I knew you would go back to Liam. I know you’re going back to him now too. Please don’t blame yourself. I wanted you so fucking bad. Hell, I wanted to kiss you when I saw you at the café. I can’t help the feelings I have for you. Yes, you broke my heart. It’s still broken and will always be. I can never love anyone the way I love you.”
“I needed you so bad. I’ve been thinking about you for years. When I found out I would be here, I wanted to come, hoping to see you. I don’t understand myself because I have the perfect life, but it doesn’t feel complete. Being here with you makes me feel whole again. How can I love you and Liam so much?”