by Delisa Lynn
“Seth, is everything okay?”
“Yes, it feels so good, but I’m afraid of hurting you.” He sighs.
“Please, don’t stop. I’m fine,” I say as a tear slips down my cheek. It did sting a little when he first entered me, but the pleasure took the pain away. As he moves in and out of me, the sting disappears and I open my legs wider, hoping he will go deeper.
“Oh, God, Seth. It feels so good. Please, do it harder,” I beg.
“Alyssa, you’re so tight. I knew, once we made love, that I would be addicted to you. Look at me,” he orders. I open my eyes. “I’m going to come, baby, and I want to see those beautiful angel eyes as I do.”
He pushes in deeper and groans. At the same time, I feel my pussy clench, then my own orgasm.
“Holy hell. That was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I laugh. He pulls out and lies next to me. Immediately, I want him inside of me again.
“Are you okay? Shit! Don’t panic, but you’re bleeding. I saw it on the blanket. Let’s go clean up and grab some water.”
“Yep, I’m fabulous.” I giggle. “I figured I would. It’s normal, right?” I know he’s been with other girls, so he has much more experience than I do.
“It’s normal. You may bleed the rest of the day.”
“Oh,” I say. I get up and head to the bathroom to clean myself. I turn on the shower and grab a few towels. Seth walks in and wraps his arms around my waist.
“You’re so beautiful. I love you so much.”
“You’re pretty handsome yourself.” I giggle as he walks us both into the shower.
“God, you’re going to drive me crazy.” I look down and see that he’s fully erect.
I wrap my legs around his waist. “I think we can take care of that.”
“God, you’re amazing.” He groans as he enters me. “Condom. I forgot it,” he says into my mouth.
“Feels so amazing…I’m on the pill. We’re good.”
“Thank God, because I don’t think I can do it again with anything between us,” he says, pushing me up against the wall. This time, he isn’t gentle. It’s so sexy. It’s like something you see in a porno. He holds my arms against the wall as he pushes in and out of me.
“Harder, Seth. Oh, God, I’m coming.” I moan as I feel his warmth flowing through me.
“Damn. I love you so fucking much, girl.”
“Always, Seth.” I kiss him. “I’ll always love you.”
Chapter One
Alyssa
Today is going to be so hard. I’ve cried for hours. Seth is leaving for Georgia, and I keep telling myself I’ll be there soon, just another year. Damn, that sounds so good in my head. This is going to be the longest year of my life.
I walk into the kitchen. Immediately, I can smell the bacon and French toast my mom is cooking. She’s an amazing cook, for the most part. I slide onto one of the barstools at the counter.
“You going to be okay?” she asks as she sits a plate in front of me. “He’ll be back on weekends and holidays.” That’s just it. I won’t see him every day.
“Mom, this is killing me inside. I love him so much, and I know he is the one. How did you know Daddy was the one for you?” I ask as I pour syrup on my French toast.
“Baby, your father stole my heart when I was in nursing school. He was doing his residency. One look into those blue eyes and I was hooked.” She laughs. “Of course, I played hard to get for years. Well, maybe just one. Then, after one kiss, I knew he would always be mine.”
“That’s true love. I want that for Seth and me.” I smile, thinking about last night. Seth made love to me under the stars. It was the most romantic thing he’s ever done.
“You’ll have it. That boy loves you. Once you start college and the two of you are together daily, you’ll be happier.”
“Thanks, Mom. You’re the best.” I hug her, then place my plate in the sink. I need to see my man.
***
Seth has been away at college for exactly a month. We talk daily, but I miss him so much. I’m going to a party tonight with some friends. I’ve been trying to call him, but he isn’t answering his phone. I hate that he’s so far away. I call my friend, Mal, and let her know that I’m ready because she’s picking me up. As I sit on the front porch and wait for her, I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I instantly feel ill. She pulls into the driveway, gets out, and walks toward me. I can see she’s been crying.
“What’s wrong?” I ask as she hugs me. Just then, my mom opens the front door.
“Come back inside.” My mom grabs my hand. “We need to talk.”
Mal places her hands over her mouth. Tears spill from her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“What’s wrong? Why are you all crying?” I feel my legs ready to give out.
“Baby, there has been an accident. Please sit so I can tell you what’s happened.”
“I don’t want to sit,” I say, panicking “Is it Daddy or Abby? Are they okay? You’re scaring me, Mom,” I say as she wipes her face. “Mal, what it is it? Just fucking tell me already,” I yell.
Mal starts talking and all I hear is motorcycle accident and life support. Nothing else she said even registered in my mind.
***
I hate hospitals. They smell weird. Beeping noises are all I hear. Everyone looks so sad and half of the people here are dying or already dead. Hospitals will forever be the one place I dread going to.
As I sit in this hard plastic chair and hold Seth’s hand, I know he isn’t going to wake up. I lay my head on the side of his bed and cry silently, praying that, through some miracle, he will come back.
My dad flew out to Georgia with me yesterday. He’s a neurologist and he wanted to talk to some of the doctors to see how bad the swelling is on Seth’s brain. My mom has called every ten minutes because she couldn’t leave my little sister alone and didn’t want her to see all of this. Seth’s parents are divorced and they are fighting over whether he should be taken off of life support or not.
His mom is being a major bitch. My dad and Seth’s brother had to hold me back from knocking her on her selfish ass. She says that we should just let him go because he’s already gone. I get that, I really do, but what if, by some miracle, the reports come back and it isn’t as bad as they say it is?
I try to stay strong. This may be the last time I can hold his hand or touch his smooth curls. Just the thought of that hurts so much.
I decide to just talk. I know he can’t talk back, but I know he will hear me. I bring his hand up to my lips and kiss his knuckle.
“Seth, I know you can hear me. I miss you so much. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.” I kiss his hand again. “Do you remember when you cut your finger open carving pumpkins last year? Yeah, I know I freaked out when I saw all the blood. Sitting in the hospital waiting for you to get stitched up was the grossest thing ever.”
I smile, remembering his laugh. It was contagious. His smile was so bright. His teeth were perfect and by far the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen.
The door opens. I turn around and see my dad. He runs his hand down his face. I’ve seen that look before. He had that same look when he told me and my little sister that our grams passed away.
As he steps closer, I shake my head. He places his hand on my shoulder. I know exactly what he’s going to say. I try pleading first. “No, Daddy, please don’t let them.”
“Alyssa, I’m sorry, but things don’t look good. The family has agreed that turning the breathing machine off will be the best thing to do. Seth has been diagnosed with cerebral edema, or swelling of the brain. The swelling on his brain is too much.
“His tests are coming back. He’s completely brain dead. If he were to wake up, he would be in a complete vegetative state. He wouldn’t be the same person he used to be. I hate to tell you all of this, but it’s a good time to go ahead and say your goodbyes, sweetheart. I’ll wait out here, okay?” he says, kissing my forehead.
“Daddy, why are
they doing this? He’ll wake up,” I cry. “Can’t you help? You’re a doctor.”
“You know I’ve tried. It’s just too late.” He wraps his arms around me. “Don’t do this, Alyssa. Please don’t make it any harder than it already is. I’ll stay in here if you want.”
I push him away from me and turn my back to him. “Just go, and let me have some time.” He leaves and I climb in the bed, next to Seth.
The machine keeps beeping. He has tubes in his nose and his mouth. The one in his mouth is the one hiding his beautiful teeth. The corners of his lips are so dry. He would hate that. I put some lip-gloss on my finger and rub it on the parts of his lips that are visible.
I lay my head next to his and squeeze his hand tighter. I lie there, looking at the ceiling, wondering what is going through his mind. “I will always love you. I wish things were different. Living life without you is going to suck. We were supposed to explore the world together, be together forever…”
Wiping my tears away, I sit up and face him. I run my fingers over his eyebrow, then kiss his forehead. “This isn’t goodbye. I’m your angel and now you’ll be mine. Please watch over me,” I say as I stand up.
I feel sick as I walk toward the door. I run to the bathroom. I think I throw up everything I ate last week because I haven’t eaten for two days.
“Hey, are you okay?” I hear a mumbled female voice say.
Without looking to see who it is, I say, “No, I’m not.” I just assume it’s Seth’s mom. Fucking bitch.
“Is there anything I can get you?” she asks.
“Yeah. Bring Seth back.”
“I wish I could. I’m Josie, a friend of Aaron’s.”
“Oh. My. God…I-I’m so sorry,” I say, turning around. Aaron is Seth’s twin brother. He lives in South Carolina, with their father. Seth stayed with his mom when his parents divorced.
“No worries. I understand. Come on, let me get you a coffee. The rest of the family is with the chaplain. I told your dad I wanted to spend some time with you.”
“Do you know when they are going to do it?” I ask her.
“Soon. They wanted everyone to have their final goodbyes,” she says, reaching for my hand. We walk to the cafeteria. The smell makes me even more nauseous. We both order a coffee and talk.
As we walk back toward Seth’s room, I get an uneasy feeling. It hits me, really hits me, that he is gone. I stop and slide down the wall. Josie doesn’t say a word. She sits down with me and holds my hand as I cry.
He is really gone. Just days ago, we were talking about our future…now his is gone.
***
I stand next to the dirt that will be the door to Seth’s final resting place and drop to my knees. His funeral is in a few hours. They brought his body back to Rhode Island yesterday. I’ve been home three days and it’s been the worst three days ever. The days and nights seem to be continuous. It’s like a never-ending circle. I know I’m walking, but it feels like I’m floating. Everyone’s words all seem the same. I can’t sleep or eat. I know my life needs to continue, but it’s so hard.
“Hey, I thought I would find you here. The funeral is soon, so don’t you think you should be getting ready?” I look up to see Seth’s brother.
“Nope, I’m wearing this. I would like to be alone with my thoughts, if you wouldn’t mind,” I growl.
“Alyssa, look. I know you’re hurting, but my brother loved you more than anything. He wouldn’t want you to be hurting like this.”
“When the love of your life dies, then you can tell me how I should feel.” I point my finger in his face. “Until then, don’t tell me what it’s going to be like. Got it?”
“Got it, loud and clear. Let me give you a ride back to the church. Josie is in the car.”
“Fine, but please don’t smile at me.”
His smile looks so much like Seth’s. His persona in general reminds me of the man…I’ll never see again. I can’t look at him. I walk to the car and see that Josie’s in the back. She smiles sympathetically at me. I like her. She’s nice.
“Do you want to talk at the service?” Aaron asks.
As I chew on my bottom lip, I close my eyes. After taking a deep breath, I whisper, “Yep, already told the witch I would.”
I hear his chuckle before I see the half grin on his face. “You can call her the bitch that she is.” I assume he isn’t too happy with his mother either. “She is worthless, and how she’s acted the last week is just another reason why I chose to live with my father. I can’t stand being around her.”
“Well, just so you know, I hate your mother.”
He moves his hand from the gearshift and squeezes my knee. “It’s okay.”
Josie chimes in from the backseat. “I don’t like her either.” She places her hand on my shoulder. “You have every right to feel the way you do. If you don’t want to speak at the service, she has to respect your wishes.”
“Thank you both for agreeing with me. Seth was never fond of her, but after all this, I can understand why.”
“Alyssa, things will get better. Give it time,” he says.
When we pull into the parking lot of the church, I see a million cars. I don’t know if I can do this. I take a deep breath, open the door, and walk toward the back of the church. Once inside, I see the casket and all the pictures.
I completely lose it. Everything gets dark, and all I can hear is music and voices.
“I got you. Wake up,” I hear Aaron say. I open my eyes and realize that Aaron is cradling me in his arms. He’s strong, much bigger than Seth. I panic and my anxiety kicks in.
“What happened?” I ask as I stumble out of his reach.
“You fainted. It’ll be okay. You’re going to sit with me through the service.”
“Not sure I can sit through it,” I admit.
“I’m here for you. Let’s take our seats,” Aaron says as he leads me to the front.
I’m here physically, but not mentally. My mind is far from being sane. I’m seated between Aaron and Josie. I feel an arm wrap around me and see that it’s Aarons. He places his mouth above my ear and whispers, “Anytime you need to get up, I’ll walk you out. If you can’t do this, let me know. I’ll take care of you, Lys.”
I open my mouth to reply, but the words don’t come out. I nod my head to let him know I understand.
Chapter Two
One Year Later
New York University
Alyssa
Going to NYU wasn’t in my plans. I should be in Georgia right now. University of Georgia was my first pick. I moved from Providence, Rhode Island to New York City instead of going to Georgia and my friend, Mal, came with me. We’ve been friends for years. My parents only agreed to let me come here as long as I wasn’t alone.
Our dorm is super small. Mal and our other friend, Cara, are planning to get an apartment together. My daddy is going to pay for it for us, since he can afford it.
“Mal, I can’t believe we’re in college. I wish we had some classes together. You’ll have to meet up with me for lunch.”
“This is going to be your year, love. You’re going to have fun. By the way, those jeans look great on you.” She looks at her watch and grabs her backpack. “Shit, I better go. My class starts in less than an hour. You good?”
I pull her in for a hug and give her a weak smile. “I hope you’re right. I need some luck. Go, I’ll be fine.”
“Text me later,” she says, skipping out the door.
I continue getting ready. I have a few hours before I need to be in class. I finish checking out my ensemble and make sure my hair is the way I want it. Leaving early is a good idea. I want to grab a latte before heading to campus.
The walk there isn’t too far. Just before I walk into the coffee shop, my phone rings in my purse. It’s my mom.
“Hi!” I say with a smile.
“How’s my baby girl?”
“Good. I’m grabbing a latte before class. Mal’s class started before mine. She took off earl
ier, and I have a few hours before I need to be on campus.”
“You’re dad sends his love. He was called in for a surgery, and Abby left for the day. I’m going to do some shopping with the ladies from my book club.”
“Tell daddy and Abby I’ll call them this weekend. Shopping for new books? Or just shopping?” I ask, but I know it isn’t books they’re shopping for.
“We’re heading to the outlet mall. We may buy books.” She giggle-snorts. “I’ll let you get your caffeine fix. Call me later. Love you.”
“Have fun! Love you more.”
I toss my phone back on my purse and push the door to Coffee Shack open. It’s small and cozy. After looking over the menu, I can’t decide what to get. I wanted a latte, but now…Now that I’ve seen the menu, everything looks amazing.
I decide on a Mocha Frappe with non-fat milk and grab a bottle of water. This should hold me over until I meet Mal for lunch.
***
When I walk into class, I see a very handsome guy. I sit next to him and smile. He winks and turns the other way. I haven’t even really talked to another guy since Seth. Seth was the only boyfriend I’ve ever had, so this is all new to me.
Swallowing my pride, I say, “Hey, I’m Alyssa.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Blake Black. Just so you know, I’m not looking for a girlfriend. Now, if you want to fuck, I’m all down for that.” He laughs.
“Oh, I wasn’t…”
“Chill, babe. You’re a freshie, aren’t ya?”
“Umm, yeah, I guess so.”
“Yeah, I can tell. Look, if you want to hang out after class, I’m down for that, but no love shit. Got it?”
“First of all, why the hell would you assume that I want to be with you? Jesus, I just introduced myself to be nice, so maybe you should move on to your next prey,” I say, quickly switching seats.
I can’t believe him! And there I was, trying to be nice. I’m so mad. I know my face is blood red. As I sit in my chair, waiting for class to start, I can feel him staring at me. I look back at him and flip him off. Fucker, take that.