As he looked at the pictures Natasha had posted, he thought of his fantasy threesome again and wished he could share Natasha with a man. As he thought about sharing her, and the humiliation he had caused her, he again got an urge to masturbate, and then decided he would do so in the shower nude. So he got in to the shower, sat down in the bath tub, and began to rub his long love stem until he came to orgasm. Then he felt pleased, physically and emotionally to have satisfied himself off the pain of a woman.
After showering, Gabriel began to miss Carl and remembered the times they had spent together. So he decided to call Carl hoping that Carl would be alone and beg him for forgiveness again. When he called Carl there was no reply. He remembered how they had put on make-up together, and then began to cry, because he felt so alone in a world that did not understand him. So he put the television on in a hope to quench his thirst for Carl, but everything on the television screen reminded him of Carl, because they had so often watched television together and spent so much time together. So he decided to pretend that Natasha was a man, and imagined her nude, with a penis instead of a vagina. Gabriel had always loved penises for their long mushroom like shape. The shape always seemed to beckon to him in an erotic manner making him want to suck it. So as he desperately wished for Carl he began to imagine sucking the penis he had placed on Natasha.
After imagining sucking on Carl’s penis that he had placed on Natasha, he decided to look at Carl on line, and hoped to find Carl grieving the loss of him the way he grieved Carl’s loss by only putting up pictures of himself. So he signed in to his Facebook account and typed in Carl Gable. Then Carl Gable appeared with pictures of himself and other men. He felt like suffocating from jealousy. He could not believe that Carl had overcome him so quickly, and he analyzed the pictures of him with another. He was with the dark skinned man. The dark skinned man called Bruce, was even kissing him on one of the photos. Gabriel felt like screaming and so he decided to write an angry message to Carl saying “Did you never love me? How could you?” No response came even though he was sure that Carl had probably gotten the message on his cell phone immediately. As he waited for a response, he typed in Mary Singer, and felt happier to be loved by Natasha. He felt close to her and secretly hoped she was a masochist. Although he imagined that she might be, because of the way she had tolerated his abuse, he did not have the courage to find out. Part of him loved women, and therefore, he felt scared that they could shatter every ounce of dignity he had left, especially considering the way they had tried to in the past. So although, he desperately coveted Natasha he did not dare approach her online and tell her his true intentions of sadism. He felt happier knowing that he had hurt her, and that in a way she would always belong to him, through her enduring love, despite his abuse.
As Gabriel Hatfield contemplated how much he wanted to share a sadomasochistic relationship with Natasha, how much he coveted her sweet face and loving personality, he imagined her laughing at his desires, and therefore kept his superiority by keeping silent. He imagined spanking her if she did something he did not like. He imagined her sweet body pressed against him, unable to judge or hurt him because of the pain it had endured. He imagined her humble and undone, in a way that made her his. So he imagined grabbing her ass and pushing her groin against his only after he had slapped it severely and after she had loved him enough to allow it. He imagined undressing her and putting a collar around her neck, to symbolize his ownership of her and her allowing it. He imagined her doing all his housework naked, and then sucking his dick without wanting anything in return. As he imagined these things, he felt like masturbating, and so he did, until he reached orgasm.
After coming to orgasm in his living room, Gabriel Hatfield cleaned up the mess, and thought about how much he wished Natasha would pursue him. He craved her humiliation through the pursuit of him, because only then would she truly appreciate him despite his twisted desires. Only then could he feel comfortable enough to expose his true self. He had always been taught that perversion was wrong and therefore, even though he sometimes had an urge to practice sadomasochism, he preferred to just be gay, and hurt women that way. He preferred to live in denial over his urge to whip a woman across her rear, or slap her face, and how it aroused him to fornicate with her after wards.
As Gabriel contemplated how much he loved Natasha, for making him feel better about losing Carl, he thought about how much Carl had hurt him, and how evil could never really be defined through the selection of a sexual partner or a label such as straight. How instead, evil could only be defined by evil itself. How gay or straight something was, Gabriel reasoned, evil was something innate to humanity, not to sexual preference. Carl’s cruelty could not be forgiven, and therefore he became more accepting of becoming straight. He then imagined Carl’s evil soul and wondered if Carl had hurt him on purpose. He wondered If Carl had betrayed him knowing that one day he would find out. As he wondered upon the cruelty of Carl he contemplated what else Carl could be capable of. He contemplated if Carl had a disease. He had trusted Carl and maybe Carl had betrayed him there too. He reasoned. So he thought he should get himself tested. As he imagined getting tested his whole body became filled with fear, because Gabriel knew that if he had HIV it would be a slow hell until death. HIV represented not a chance at a life, but rather a chance at a half-life filled with suffering; the suffering of loneliness, the suffering of knowing what would come, of how death would be something as undignified as possible. As he imagined the possibility of having HIV, he imagined he would rather die than live in a reality where every dream had been abolished by the certainty of death and the knowledge of being tainted in such a vile manner. So he decided not to get tested until one day he would have the courage. He then thought about how irresponsible he was to not get tested. How he could accidently infect others by not knowing. He then decided that he would either stay single, practice sex through a condom, or get satisfied through visual images only. As he contemplated the possibility of having been infected, he became filled with shame and tried to forget the thought of HIV to the sweet memory of Mary Singer, whose love seemed so pure next to Carl’s.
As time passed, Gabriel Hatfield wondered if the clone that Natasha had talked about really existed. He questioned if Natasha, had in fact really discovered a secret cloning experiment. He speculated if his real mother had been a caged animal, while he had been adopted out to scientific parents. He pondered if his entire life had been a science experiment and the people he loved and thought loved him, really minions of some evil scientist. He deliberated if his life was under threat, and if someone would kill him if he found out the truth. His mother and father did not really look like him and he desperately wanted to ask them for a genetic test. As he remembered Natasha’s warning about maybe being killed, he decided not to say anything. He wondered if his clone brother would like him despite his gayness, or if he would humiliate him instead. He even imagined that his clone brother might beat him up the way people had beaten up one of the gay guys in the movie “Brokeback Mountain.” He thought about the possibility that his clone might feel ashamed to look like him, knowing that he was gay, and he felt like screaming from rage. He hated homophobia, and again felt proud to be the homosexual instead of a heterosexual. Despite his fear of his brother, he looked in the mirror and imagined meeting a man as beautiful as himself. So he decided to start walking for exercise around the twin towers across from the Sunset mall. Although he desperately wanted to meet his clone, he decided to walk around with a cap on, so that no one would recognize him. He wanted to see his clone without being seen, and therefore without the fear of rejection and humiliation from a person as perfect as him and therefore especially capable of breaking his heart.
Chapter 40
Celia Rose awoke Friday morning to the ring of her cell phone instead of her alarm. Eric had called. He asked her if she wanted to get lunch. She drowsily responded “I can’t. I am working at Starbucks.” He then responded that he would go there and eat lunch whil
e watching her work. She then responded “ok, look forward to seeing you there.” As she hung up the phone, she felt angry that he had called her at the early hour of eight am. She felt his coldness and arrogance from the night before pierce her through the heart as she decided to make herself coffee, and prepare for work. She usually only had to get up at eleven am for her job at Starbucks to make sure she arrived by midday. After Starbucks she had to arrive at the Naked Genie by ten pm, and then left usually at two am. Then she would drive for half an hour, eat a late dinner, and then fall asleep by four am. So she usually had seven hours sleep, which she treasured greatly, until Saturday, her day off when she could sleep whenever she wanted. So as she lay in bed, the excitement of having had talked to Eric woke her up. As she sat drinking her coffee she wondered if he had awoken her purposefully. Then she wondered at how much he liked degrading her and felt that she needed to talk to him and break up with him.
A few hours later Celia started working at Starbucks as usual and anticipated Eric watching her. At midday he arrived and had a sandwich at Starbucks the way he had promised. Celia looked forward for a photo shoot because she felt eager to experience the masked man now that she had known him intimately. As she imagined enjoying the sexuality of the photo shoots more, she realized that she had lost the excitement of not knowing who he was. The mystery of the mask excited something inside her, and she missed that excitement. The excitement of the unexpected, of her absolute vulnerability compared to his absolute superiority through mystery, had moved her.
After lunch she got a call from Ralph, asking her to come to another photo shoot. So after eating something small at Starbucks, she got in to her car and drove to the Dungeon.
Once there, Ralph asked “Are you sure your relationship with Eric, will not interfere in your work?”
Then Celia asked “why would it?”
Then Ralph responded “because at times these things affect us. You might get jealous, and feel uncomfortable in a situation with other women. Do you think you can handle it? If you cannot, I do not plan to replace him. You are very beautiful but replaceable.”
Celia felt like her love life had become public property for the speculation of her employers. Then she asked “how did you know?”
Then Ralph responded “Eric and I sometimes chat. He told me you hooked up. I hope you don’t mind. If you did not anticipate everyone knowing, you should not have hooked up with him, since he works here. He is my brother”
Then Celia responded “I don’t mind you knowing. I am just surprised.”
Then Ralph told her to go to room 501.
As Celia walked to room 501, she considered how Ralph had intonated the word him, as if Eric always humiliated women by exposing everything about them. Then she thought about all the women Eric had sex with, and thought how she should be jealous, but realized she had no right to be. She felt like her sex had been stolen, and broken in to a flower she could no longer give with pride. As she thought about all the men who had seen her naked, she felt all resentment towards Eric slip away, and become replaced with a sense of appreciation for his attention. For she felt too flawed for ordinary men, and decided to enjoy what she had.
After Celia arrived at room 501, she met Clint, greeted him and got undressed. As she stood naked before him, he ordered her to put big stick-on lollipops on her breasts, and whipped cream on to her vagina and buttocks. Then a nude man wearing licorice thongs stood in the corner of the room called Candy Land. There were a few cotton candy trees, and a little house made of cookies. Clint then ordered them to stand in front of the cookie house and kiss without removing any of their candy garments. He snapped a photo of them, as they did. Then he ordered them to dance around, eating little pieces of the cotton candy. The floor had fake grass on it, which Celia loved feeling on her bare feet. As she danced she remembered how during her child hood she had played candy land. She remembered all the times she dreamed of a place similar to the place she had now pranced in. She had once imagined heaven as a candy land, and pondered how it eventually turned in to a world of fashion and sex instead. How as an adult, her candy in life had become men. As she danced around, she thought about how happy she should feel. How her life in a sense had become a heaven. Ironically she did not feel as though in heaven. Instead she felt envious of the perfect life; the perfect little house, the perfect little husband, and the perfect little children. Then as she licked her fingers full of cotton candy and then imagined licking the beautiful man’s licorice, she thought how she complained too much. That life should perhaps be enjoyed for the small moments, or happiness rather than the grand scheme that met societies view of perfection.
Celia saw Clint snap photos. Then Clint, ordered the candy couple to meet, in the middle, of candy land.
He said “act shocked to see each other. Jump with happiness. Show with your body the excitement of seeing a beautiful man or woman wearing candy. The idea of the video is that you are both nymphs lost in candy land. Happy to be in such a delicious place. Then you meet each other and it becomes ten thousand times more delicious. Each of you show that with your faces and your bodies. Like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, you have met the other for the first time.”
Then Celia jumped a little, her candy breasts wobbling. She smiled at the camera. The beautiful man with his thick dark hair, and green eyes did the same. Then the camera man ordered Celia to eat the man’s licorice, without touching it with her hands. She smelled the sweet ancient smell of licorice, and licked, eventually chewing and taking off a bite. Clint snapped a photo.
Then he said “don’t forget he has a condom on so you do not have to be shy. Also, bite in a way to not let the licorice fall on the floor.”
As she licked, she obeyed and started in at his crotch. She eventually made a hole there and started biting off pieces of black licorice and chewing them. The camera constantly flashed. She eventually ate his crotch area and the area covering his buttocks. Only a small belt stayed on his hips.
Then the camera man said “It is ok if it falls on the floor now. If it does, eat it from the floor.
Then Celia continued to lick and chew, and the camera and Clint seemed to love her big red lips chewing something so delicious. Then as the licorice belt broke and fell to the floor, she crouched down and ate it as commanded. The camera shot her from every angle. Then the camera man commanded Celia to stand and for the man to eat her candy, after having had taken off his condom for the camera. Then the man crouched with an erection between his legs and licked all the whipped cream covering her groin and buttocks. The camera flashed from every angle. Once done with the whipped cream, the man stood and bent his frame slightly and licked her big lollipops as his erected penis gently grazed Celia. As he licked, the lollipops became smaller, and more of Celia’s breasts became exposed. He continued to lick, and lick. Celia felt like she might have to leave in order to arrive at the Naked Genie on time. Then she decided, to instead claim a sick day. So she stood and waited quarter of an hour until the lollipops had disappeared. They eventually got so small that she felt nude. As the man licked, the camera flashed from all angles. Once he had licked the two lollipops away, the little adhesive stickers remained on her nipples. Then the man removed them and gave them to Clint, during which the camera did not photograph him. As Celia and the male porn star stood nude, Clint told the man to chase Celia but not catch her. He photographed them and filmed them running through the garden of candy. Then he ordered them to stop, and gave the man another condom and then ordered them to lie down on the fake grass and fornicate. The two then kissed and fornicated. The man indulged, grabbing Celia’s breasts, kissing her and then penetrating her. During, which the camera flashed from all angles.
After the candy land photo shoot, Celia got a yellow piece of paper with a huge number on it, got dressed, and left, deciding to go to the Naked Genie late. She showed up half an hour late and apologized. Twenty minutes later she started dancing on stage nude, covered in gems, with five other women. Th
ey danced for an hour and then, Celia waited backstage for any private performance requests. While waiting she spoke to Maria, who asked if she wanted to get together later on.
Celia responded “no. I have a boyfriend called Eric now.”
Then Maria asked what he looked like and Celia responded “like a dream. I am happy I finally have a boyfriend. I desperately wanted one. Although we slept together, I prefer men.”
Then Maria smiled and said “I will miss you.”
Then Celia responded “We only slept together because I was emotionally desperate. I desperately want to be with a man, who is attractive enough to be with.”
Gabriel Page 22