So as he reasoned that Sarah did not fulfill him, he said to her “Sarah, I cannot marry you. I don’t love you. I have been living a lie and I am sorry. Please move out.”
Then Sarah responded “How come?”
Then Gabriel responded “I just don’t. Love is a special feeling. It should fulfill one’s soul enough not to crave another, but I constantly crave others.”
Then Sarah asked “Who do you crave?”
Then Gabriel responded “I crave porn stars, and I crave one of our neighbors.”
Then Sarah responded “You crave that red headed naked whore? How can you? She is probably filled with disease. I gave my virginity to you, and my purity to you. How can you insult me like this?”
Then Gabriel responded “I will always treasure you for giving me your virginity, but how can you insult me by constantly talking about other men?”
“Those are just pictures.” Sarah responded.
Then Gabriel said “they still hurt. I feel like you are cheating on me through your love of them.”
Then Sarah said “If you want, I will take them off.”
Then Gabriel responded “don’t bother. I am sure you will secretly admire them. My jealousy drives me away from you and so I will always love other women. So even though I love you, I cannot marry you, and I think it is better if we start dating other people.”
Then Sarah said, as tears streamed down her face: “Ok, Gabriel. I hope you do not regret your decision. I am one of the hottest women around. I will find another soon.”
Then Gabriel responded “I hope you do.”
Then he decided to tell Natasha how he felt. He knocked on her door, but heard no response. He then went to the garage to look for her car but saw no car in her spot. He then peeped through her peep hole to see if furniture was still inside. He saw very little, but from what he could see, he saw none. He then left a note on her door with his number on it. He never heard from her again. She eventually faded in to a distant memory only to be replaced by others.
As he waited for a phone call from Natasha, Sarah moved out. As he sat in the emptiness of his failed relationship, and the loss of Natasha, he felt only fulfilled by the beauty and fantasy of Celia, and so he decided to take a holiday and find her in Los Angeles. Maybe she would want to come back with him, and live with him instead of live the life of a porn star. He remembered Sarah’s accusation of disease and argued to himself that she could have used a condom and they could have been tested before the shoots. In addition, he reasoned that he would ask her to get tested before he even kissed her. Then he wondered how he could crave a pornography star who others hated and realized that he liked broken women. He liked Natasha because she seemed broken in a way, and Celia seemed much more broken. He imagined broken women to love him more completely, because, he imagined their insecurities to cling to his soul for protection and for comfort. He imagined that they appreciated him more, and therefore loved her despite her negative labels.
So he booked a flight for the following week, packed his bag, and flew to Los Angeles.
Chapter 44
After having had shot Natasha, Miguel Sanchez, ran to his car and drove to the marina. He then unhinged his boat, and pushed it in to the water. He sat on the boat, put on the motor and cruised out to Key Biscayne. Once there, he stayed close to the beach. He feared the ocean at night, more than he had imagined that he would. He realized that he would never feel home again. He understood that he would never see the photos of Joanna again, and he began to regret what he had done. He thought about why he had failed and realized that he had been too crazed for blood to see the obvious possibility that someone could have turned the corner. He wondered why he had been so careless, and realized that courage had always marked him as a person, and started seeing his courage as foolish natural optimism instead of some heroic trait that people admired.
Miguel remembered Joanna and the way she had always smiled at him. He began to cry, and then looked at the silvery moonlight on the ocean, and realized that his life had not turned out so badly. Mother nature had given him a great life, and graced him with her beauty. So as he felt in essence too poor to have a home, he felt rich because of the beauty of nature, and felt proud for having behaved like an angry animal. Although society persecuted him, he felt the love of nature embrace him and then decided to sleep under the starlight. As he fell asleep he imagined what Joanna would say, and only calmed himself with the knowledge that he would always hold on to every memory about her. He thought about her lips and told himself that they would never fade from his memory. As he realized that inevitably they would fade one day, he thought he would kill himself then. Then he realized that when it faded that maybe his love would fade and then it will be as if he had killed for nothing. So he finally realized the tragedy of his life. For a brief moment Miguel saw how he had made the wrong choice and finally felt the shame of his decisions. He fell asleep under the stars, on the floor of the boat after the guilt and shame wore him out.
The following day, Miguel awoke with the sun, and decided to start fishing. He missed his cereal, and his cold milk. He smelled the sea and anticipated eating raw fish. He loved sushi so he did not fear it too much. After about an hour he caught a fish and then cut it up and ate it. He then drank a lot of water, and felt satisfied. As the sun grew hotter he desired to go swimming and so he spent most of the day with sunscreen on in the sea. He imagined a shark eating him and felt scared. So he hated his life and decided to try and go back to his apartment. So he went back and saw police outside, and so decided to run back to his boat.
Once in the boat. He ate one of his bars, and developed a head ache from the sun. He then snuck on shore and bought some Advil, for his headache. He felt better and so got in the sea again. From a distance he saw a shark fin, and as he imagined the shark biting him, he decided to let it happen because he craved death. He felt empty and so he stayed in the water despite the fear. A minute later he felt a cold nothingness for his legs, and his consciousness melted away.
Chapter 45
On Monday evening after having had worked in Starbucks, Celia called Eric.
He answered “Hi.”
Then Celia responded “Hi, can I please speak to Eric?”
Then Eric responded “Celia, it is me.”
Then Celia responded “How have you been?”
Then Eric responded, “not so well since I did not hear from you.”
Then Celia responded “I am sorry I was busy.”
Then Eric responded “Do you want to see each other again?”
Then Celia responded “Yes, when can we meet.”
Then Eric responded “we can meet tonight. I will come to the Naked Genie as usual.”
Then Celia giggled and said “Yes, I look forward to seeing your beautiful face in the audience.
Then Eric hung up. Celia felt that it was odd he hung up so fast, but she felt happy to have his attention because to her he represented status through marriage.
That evening she went to the Naked Genie, and danced on the stage, in her usual gem dance with other women. Then she did a police officer dance, and loved watching Eric in the audience. After the police officer dance she danced as a genie, the way she had done back stage many times before. Eric loved watching her belly dance, and after she had finished, he went back stage to request a private show. As she danced the genie dance again, just for Eric, she blew him kisses; mostly for status. Eric watched and admired, but felt used to women, and therefore did not experience an erection.
After Celia had finished at the Naked Genie, she went home with Eric.
Once in his apartment, she asked him “why did you not satisfy me the other night?”
He then responded “I did not know you wanted it. I thought women felt satisfied naturally. Also, I don’t understand why you need more sex, when all you ever do is work in the sex industry. A whore like you should be happy just to have me please myself.”
Celia blushed as she believed no other
man would want her. Then Eric ordered her to bend over on the bed again, and expose her groin to his abuse and pleasure.
She refused saying “I don’t feel like it. Could we watch television instead?” Then Eric slapped her across the face saying, “Don’t disobey me. I am part owner of the Dungeon and the Naked Genie, and therefore I am kind of your boss. Ralph is my brother. If you lose your job at the Dungeon and the Naked Genie, you won’t find another job in this economy. Not with your credentials. Since everybody took your job to China, you are my little whore. Minimum wage won’t feed your appetites. So bend over on the bed.”
As Celia held her cheek, she asked “Why are all the jobs in China?”
Then Eric responded “because nobody cares about little white trash whores like you. Your place is either pleasing men or begging. You choose.”
Then Celia, bent over on the bed while holding her stinging face. Then Eric pounded her full of semen. First in the anus and then in the vagina. As Celia bent over feeling the pain on her face, and then in her anus and groin, she felt humiliated as she realized that everything that Eric said had been true. She had taken pride in her clothes, the thing that killed her many times over in a way; metaphorically. The labels said China and therefore the pleasure of her life had been her demise and death. As she felt her low worth according to the upper class of her country she felt the label “whore” to fit, and maybe uplift her. She felt the word ‘whore’ a preferable title to ‘dead meat.’ So she promised herself that she would wait until Eric lost interest. He would eventually want another women and another women would want him, she reasoned.
After Eric had finished, he left saying “Goodnight. I hope you call me, and in a timely manner this time.” Then Celia nodded in disbelief as he left.
After Eric left, Celia felt terrible. She realized that Eric knew her predicament. She was a slave for money and always had been. She thought about how she had once heard a preacher say “greed is the curse of the world. Don’t be a slave for money.” As Celia felt tempted to live freely, she thought about all the times she had searched the newspaper, and the internet for jobs, and how long it took her to find the job at Starbucks. Then she remembered how they paid minimum wage, and realized that the world was full of Eric’s all wanting to kill her. She realized that minimum wage represented a desire from the upper class to torture her and realized that Eric had just been human, not the monster that magazines and rational people would have called him. As she contemplated his humanity, she somehow managed to accept him, especially when compared to the rest of the world. She saw him as the damaged ape man he was; a representation of humanity at large, and felt lucky to be chosen by him. As she saw the perfect man fade from her mind, his perfect face disappear, she lost all hope, dignity, and happiness; realizing that all she had left was the dream of normality. The normality of a husband, and children, and therefore she decided to try to be nice to Eric, and accept the belief that perhaps a whore like her did not deserve better. So she called Eric and thanked him for fucking her. As she felt an emptiness fill her, she told Eric she felt sad.
Then Eric responded “maybe if you are a good girl I will give you something for that.” Then Celia realized Eric meant drugs.
Then she asked “what could you possibly give me?”
Then Eric responded “heroine. It takes depression right away.”
Then Celia responded “is it not important to take care of our bodies? Since we are photographed regularly.”
Then Eric responded “don’t worry about your body. You won’t be attending photo shoots for a while. I spoke to Ralph about your behavior and he agrees that some time off will be good for you.”
Then Celia responded “I am sorry. Are you firing me? If you are, I will stop talking to you.”
Then Eric responded “No I am not firing you. I want to make you my wife and I need to teach you obedience.”
Then Celia said “obedience? I am not a dog.”
Then Eric responded “according to the free market you are my property, so be happy that I am not abandoning you. I will make sure you always have enough.”
Then Celia hung up realizing that she should have a different attitude; that of a slave instead of a woman. So she called him up and apologized as she fought back tears.
Then Eric responded “I understand, sometimes women rebel against their duty to serve men. Your whorish ways have taught you disobedience. So I will teach you.”
Then Celia pleaded “please I know my duty is to serve you. You don’t need to teach me. What can I do to serve you master?”
Then Eric responded “that sounds like the wife I would want. First you can move in with me, and do all the cooking and cleaning for me. I want you to give up your job at Starbucks. I make enough to support you.”
Then Celia responded “I hardly know you. How can you be talking about marriage?”
Then Eric responded “don’t talk back. You are my property. What you should bear in mind is that you should be honored to marry a man as great as me, because I can take care of you, but you without me would die. Never forget that.”
Then Celia blushed and hung up. As she thought about Eric’s proposal, she realized she had become engaged in a way, and that she had finally achieved her dream of normality, marriage, and a life without prostituting her sex. As she looked in the bathroom mirror, to look at the beauty that won her all that she possessed, she admired her big lips, big green eyes, and the golden flecks that they possessed. Then she analyzed her pixie nose and analyzed how lucky she had been to be selected for her beauty. She remembered all the times she had wished she could escape the degradation of pornography, but could not. She thought about all the times she had wasted serving coffee, and realized that Eric had been her savior. He wanted to give her status and make her a lady instead of a whore, and who was she to judge how he did it, she reasoned.
So she kissed the mirror to thank the girl she saw for all her fortune, and then called Eric up and said “I do. I promise to serve you. Thank you for everything.”
The following day, Eric told her that he would give her a thousand dollars a month, and that she should stop working and start packing. Then she began packing, and boxed her small possessions, ready to move to Eric’s house. Once all her things had been packed, she packed a suit case for her essentials and called Eric. Eric arrived shortly, and placed her essentials in to his car. They agreed to call movers for the rest.
While driving to his house, Celia asked “do you want to call me Celia or Dorothy?” Then Eric responded “Celia is prettier, so Celia.” Then Celia asked “who chose my name?” Then Eric responded “I chose the last part, while Ralph chose the first part.” Then Celia kissed his cheek; thankful for everything he had done for her. While driving he placed his big hand on her thigh. Then she placed her hand on his. They then held hands, and everybody would have thought they were the perfect couple.
Once they arrived home, they got out, and Eric let her carry her own luggage, and then ordered her to cook lunch. So after carrying in her suitcase, and placing it in the corner of their bedroom, she walked to the kitchen and prepared two egg sandwiches for them. As she prepared them, she realized she would miss her life in the light of fame, at the connection she thought she felt with the perfect man, watching her somewhere in the crowd. She realized that her desire for normality was based on a lie instead of a reality. She had been taught to only want marriage, but as she stood in the kitchen as a slave, she realized that she should have treasured every moment even the imperfect ones. As she squashed the eggs in to the mayonnaise, she realized she had always been blessed. Blessed with beauty, grace and admiration. As she felt like walking back in to the arms of freedom, she realized she could not and therefore stayed a type of slave. Once Eric had finished unpacking her things, and arranging them in his wardrobe, he came out and sat at the kitchen table as he watched her lay out the table and prepare lunch. Then as he ate, he told her that he expected her to keep things very tidy.
H
e said “If you fail to keep house I will punish you. I will work, the least you can do is keep house.”
Then Celia responded “sure. Whatever you want. Just tell me. Your word is my command.”
As she felt her worthlessness again, she asked him if he had some heroine.
Then he responded “I will get some. Tonight you can have some.”
Then Celia asked “Will you have some?”
Then he responded “I am not the one suffering from depression.”
Then Celia responded “I am not suffering from depression. I just want to feel loved.”
Then Eric responded “I obviously love you.”
Then Celia responded “I mean treated with respect.”
Then Eric mockingly replied “You mean as a queen and me as your slave? What is so unreasonable to you about keeping house? I did not know you were a lazy slut.”
Gabriel Page 25