Then Gabriel through the fifty dollars he had received a few days ago on to the floor. Natasha felt offended, but felt that she might lose him and so refrained from saying anything. A few seconds later she began to beg him to forgive her. As she knelt on the floor to pick up the money, and started putting it back in his pocket, he pulled away, walked to his bedroom and then slammed the door. Then she sat on the couch and began to cry. As she remembered the time that he had hugged her and kissed her and the love they had made, she started doubting his anger and started analyzing why he could act in the manner in which he had. As she analyzed him, she realized that he had merely acted angry, as a way to punish her for doubting his love, because he had become scared to lose her. She reasoned, that he believed that his broken soul could make her flee, so instead of having had admitted the shame he felt so strongly, he shamed her with the hope that she would forgive him and tolerate him with his twisted and damaged desires.
She then knocked on his door and said “I love you.” There was no response and so she sat on the couch waiting and praying that he would not leave her.
After several minutes, Gabriel Hatfield came out and asked Natasha if she wanted to shower with him.
Then she said, “Yes.”
Then they both got undressed and walked to the shower and bathed together. They washed each other and kissed under the warm running water. After the shower, he blow dried her hair, and lay with her in bed nude.
As they lay in bed together, he said “I am the one who should be concerned about how much you will tolerate. I am sorry for getting so angry with you. Perhaps I am completely gay. I always thought I was bisexual.”
Then Natasha responded “Please don’t lie to hurt me. I desperately need you and love you. If you were totally gay you would not have tried so hard to be my love. I think you are merely bisexual with a sadistic streak.”
Then Gabriel asked “How come you are not scared of that?”
Then Natasha responded “I guess because I know your soul. You have the soul of an angel. I also have masochistic tendencies, and so you please me. I also forgive your behavior because of all the evil in the world”
Then Gabriel asked “How do you know I have the soul of an angel.”
Then Natasha responded “Because a nurse could only have the soul of an angel.”
Then Gabriel responded “I always felt proud to help people, but I am sure not all nurses are great. I am glad you think I am remarkable though. It is sad that you are a masochist. What are some of your fantasies?”
Then Natasha responded “Mostly getting spanked.”
Then Gabriel responded “If you want, I can spank you every day.”
Then Natasha responded “I try not to be a masochist, but I will let you spank me if you want to.”
Then Gabriel looked at her, while saying “I will let you know if I want to.”
Then Natasha kissed his cheek, satisfied that she had pleased her man.
Then Gabriel asked “what is the connection between my behavior and the evil in the world?”
Then Natasha responded “I just think you have suffered a lot and as a result feel a lot of anger.”
Then Gabriel asked “what makes you think that?”
Then Natasha responded “I have been abused by my step mother, and as a result preferred to stay away from people who reminded me of her.”
Then Gabriel asked “What did she do to you?”
Then Natasha responded “She abused me when I suffered from depression. She ignored me, ostracized me, and encouraged me to believe that I had been somehow tainted by evil in order to possess a disease like depression.”
Then Gabriel said “She sounds horrible. I wish I could fix the damage she caused you.”
Then he walked to the bathroom, and put purple eye shadow, pink lipstick, and mascara on. Then he put on a t-shirt and purple underwear. Then with shaven legs exposed, he sat next to Natasha, and began to kiss her on the lips. Then he kissed her breasts, her stomach, her thighs, and her hands; leaving big pink lip marks all over her body.
As Natasha looked down at the beauty, she asked “Gabriel why are you kissing me?”
Then Gabriel responded “I am kissing you to help you love your femininity more, so that you never think of your stepmother again, only of my lips kissing all the pain away.”
Then Natasha, hugged him, and kissed his soft lips, and then said “thank you. The pain is forever gone.”
Then Gabriel began to browse the web. As he browsed, Natasha sat feeling a love she had never felt before and realized she was the luckiest woman in the world to have a man who cared so much. She contemplated all the heartbreak she had suffered, and realized that her life had been worth it, mostly because of Gabriel. He had become her soul purpose for existence. Then Natasha began to read a novel. After about an hour, Gabriel and Natasha, both went to sleep together, hugging each other.
The following day at breakfast, Gabriel Hatfield still had some residual make-up on, and asked “So I can’t believe you suffered from depression. What symptoms should we be looking out for incase it returns?”
Then Natasha replied “mostly suicidal thoughts.”
Then Gabriel responded “what if you commit suicide without warning me? I think you should see a psychiatrist once a week.”
Then Natasha responded “please let’s not talk about this.”
Then Gabriel said “why what is wrong? Are you ashamed?”
Then Natasha responded “It makes me feel uncomfortable, to think about.”
As Gabriel realized that the treatment of her stepmother had affected her ability to accept her illness, he responded “You should not be ashamed. Most of the world is crazy. Crazy is normal.”
Then Natasha asked “what do you mean?”
Then Gabriel responded “the world believes in crazy things. For example, they believe in a little man called god watching them while sitting on a pink cloud. They actually believe that one entity sees all, hears all, and desires so much chaos, but at the same time should be revered as their benevolent father.”
Then Natasha responded “I did not know you were an atheist.”
Then Gabriel asked “are you not? You actually believe in a god who loves you, created such a big creation, and then leaves everyone to suffer as they might.”
Then Natasha responded “Perhaps it is not as big as we think. Possibly a lot of things are delusions. Maybe one of us is not even real.”
Then Gabriel responded “I guess you are right, anything is possible, but if we consider the concept of craziness, is it not craziness to believe in something that you cannot see?”
Then Natasha thought, and responded after about half a minute, “How is it possible that most of the world believes in God then?”
Then Gabriel responded “craziness is the norm. Trust me.”
Then Natasha responded “I don’t understand why people are crazy only when it comes to god.”
Then Gabriel responded “Probably some emperor long time ago, wrote the bible in order to control the ignorant majority, and to try to create a greater sense of virtue, peace, and submission in the population. Remember, that people back in the day, did not study as much as we do. In fact, a lot of them were illiterate and therefore more childlike when it came to gullibility.”
Natasha smiled, and said “thank you for making me feel normal. You have given me a new perspective.”
Then Gabriel mockingly asked “do you feel scared and alone, now that you do not have a big god protecting you?”
Then Natasha responded, “I could never feel alone if I know you are alive. You will always make me feel protected and warm.”
Then Gabriel responded “Same here.”
Then Gabriel walked to the bathroom and washed off his make-up, making sure it all came off. Then he went to work, and Natasha, got dressed and sent off more resumes.
After Natasha had sent off her resumes, she thought about how much she loved Gabriel Hatfield, and wondered about the
reality of god. She began to contemplate the possibility that god exists. Although, Gabriel’s rationality seemed right, Natasha could not accept the existence of a consciousness, without a god. She rationalized that people cannot hear all sound frequency’s, nor see all visual applications, such as microwaves, the lives of bacterium, nor viruses. She contemplated how people could suffer from illnesses, from an invisible force that had such profound power that one could die and never see the hand that killed them. As a result, she came to the conclusion that she did not need evidence to believe in God. As she remembered the ignorance of her step mother, she loved Gabriel for not following superstition blindly. So even though she did believe in God, and the likelihood of God, she loved Gabriel for his atheism. She thought about how the world seemed crazy to him, and she remembered her step mother, her father, and her sister, and she realized that Gabriel was the sanest and nicest person she had ever met, possibly because of his atheism. She remembered how once released from the hospital for the insane, she had a dream in which, as she stood at a cross road, a booming voice said, “You think you have left the mental hospital, but you have only entered a bigger one.” As she thought about the dream, she contemplated the power of perception, and how God could be the perception that people envision. She thought about the world, and thought about it as if it were a delusion created by God, and as she felt the uncertainty of reality, she felt happy to feel Gabriel as a rock of strength, and his love to be the one certainty she could believe in.
As she continued to think about Gabriel she also remembered how he would tell her, that true friends were few. She loved his intellect which seemed to shine brighter everyday she knew him, as his heart and virtue constantly had.
Natasha’s mother stopped talking to her, because she had felt that she disliked her daughter for dating a homosexual. She felt that homosexuals had betrayed god. Despite her mother’s hatred, Natasha held on to her love for Gabriel as the most precious gem she could ever possess.
Chapter 47
After work, Gabriel Hatfield, hugged Natasha, and kissed her. He then changed from his scrubs in to a pale grey pair of jeans, and a white t shirt. He looked stunning as his black hair and blue green eyes shone. He then walked in to the kitchen and Natasha asked him if he wanted to eat anything?
He said “Yes, what have you got?”
Then Natasha responded “I have decided to cook us an egg omelet with some toast. Do you want some, or should I cook something else?”
Then Gabriel responded “cook whatever you want.”
Then Natasha began cooking, two egg omelets, with some cheese, and put some bread in the toaster. As she cooked, Gabriel watched some television. After several minutes they sat at the table and ate together. After dinner she provided herself and Gabriel, each a sugar free Jell-O. As they ate together, they enjoyed, the raspberry taste fill their mouth.
Then Gabriel said “I love the way you like to eat healthy.”
Natasha smiled and responded “My dad, taught me to avoid heart disease.”
After they had finished watching the Simpsons, Natasha asked Gabriel Hatfield, if he wanted her to massage him.
Gabriel responded “yes.”
Then he walked to his bedroom, took off his shirt and lay on the bed. Then Natasha began to rub his beautiful and slightly tanned arms and shoulders. She gently rubbed his neck, and then eventually his whole back. After about twenty minutes, he asked her if she wanted to be rubbed.
Then Natasha responded “Yes.”
Then she took off her blue dress, and unclipped her bra. After she had placed her clothes on the chair, Gabriel, began to rub her neck, her shoulders, and her back. After he had finished, he pulled up her underwear, between her cheeks, to expose her entire rear. Then he spanked her repeatedly until both cheeks became red. Then he kissed both cheeks, with his big sultry lips, and then stuck his hand, in to her groin, and felt the wetness that had accumulated there. As he repeatedly stuck his fingers in to her vagina, he felt more wetness come. She loved the feeling, and then slowly came to orgasm, as she felt a unique heat envelope her lower region.
After she had come to orgasm, she turned around, and said “please hold me, I really need you to hold me.” Natasha felt her soul cling to Gabriel’s as they embraced, she felt they had become one through the pain he had given her. As they lay in bed together, Gabriel slipped a condom on and fornicated with her. After Gabriel came to orgasm, they fell asleep together.
The following day, Gabriel Hatfield, went to work as usual, and during his shift saw a mother give birth. As he contemplated, the incredible pain that the woman had suffered, he wondered if he would suffer so much for the miracle of a child, and decided that he would. So he contemplated the possibility of having a child with Natasha, and as he did, he felt happy to have stopped practicing homosexuality, because then he could have a child of his own. He imagined his child, and he saw the most beautiful little boy in the world. He then imagined a little girl and as a result, felt like crying from happiness. When he had been homosexual it had secretly bothered him that he could not have children. He desperately wanted a little celebration of himself. He wanted himself procreated. He wanted to know that his genetics would stay in the world, and therefore in a way, he would stay immortal. He had always felt the profound connection between a child, and parent. The child, although an individual, always a part of the parent, and desperately coveted such a connection. So as he imagined his children, he felt blessed to have found a woman he loved, and thanked the God he most of the time did not believe in.
After work, Gabriel Hatfield anticipated asking Natasha if she wanted children. As he drove, he realized with dread that he had practiced safe sex with Natasha, in fear of having HIV. He had never gotten tested after knowing Carl, and had never asked Natasha for an HIV test. He became filled with fear, and trepidation. The slow toxic knowledge of a such a dreadful disease filled his mind. He convinced himself he did not have it; that fate would never shine on him in such a crooked way. He did not feel that he deserved it, and therefore he would not experience such bad karma. So as he rode home, he replaced his dread with optimism. As a result of his pure spirit, and devotion to compassion, he could not, completely convince himself of safety, and so he decided to get tested so that he could make sure he would not be killing his girlfriend if he fornicated with her without a condom. The thought of killing a loved one terrorized him, and therefore he imagined it terrorized others. Therefore, he had trusted Carl, and other lovers believing that only a monster would be a killer. He imagined a killer would look like a freak, sitting in a corner full of hate, or a man in the mafia carrying a gun, not a beauty carrying a rose who wanted to kiss him and please him; and so he had trusted them with his life, his love and his dignity.
When Gabriel Hatfield had arrived home, he kissed Natasha as always, and they ate a dinner of black bean soup, and watched the Simpsons as usual. After dinner, Natasha provided again a sugarless Jell-O for each of them. Then they ate their lime flavored jelly. While they sat on the couch, Gabriel placed his hand on Natasha’s and held it. Then when the Simpsons had finished he put the television off, and asked Natasha, if she would feel happy to have children with him. Then he explained how he had seen a woman give birth that day, and how afterwards he had imagined having children with Natasha. He described the children, and Natasha smiled as she imagined the puffy cheeks of her children.
As Gabriel watched her smile, he asked “have you been tested for HIV?”
Then Natasha responded “Yes, in high school and in college. It came out negative both times.”
Then Gabriel responded “how many boys did you sleep with in high school?”
Then Natasha responded “one.”
Then Gabriel responded “that was very responsible of you.”
Then Natasha responded “not really. I got tested after, I had already fornicated with Nobie.”
As Gabriel felt less embarrassed about his own irresponsibility, he responded “I guess, like
me, you like sex too much.”
Then Natasha feeling embarrassed, responded “I guess I did not think I would get it from him, because he told me he had been tested. Why do you ask? Do you want to get tested together? Or have you already been tested?”
Then Gabriel responded “I have been tested before, but I have not been tested after Carl, my last boyfriend who cheated on me. Before I have condom-less sex with you, I want to get tested though, because I hope with all my heart that I do not have it.”
Then Natasha responded, “we can go tomorrow, if you want. Do you want?”
Then Gabriel responded “Yes, I think we owe it to each other.”
Then Natasha responded “Ok.”
Then Gabriel read a book as Natasha reviewed some of her study notes. The two sat quietly dreading the following day.
The following day, as Natasha sat contemplating with dread the possibility that Gabriel Hatfield could have HIV, she remembered her mother telling her how homosexual men often have HIV. She feared HIV her whole life through. It had been a good enough reason to be a celibate for Massimiliano, and it had been a good enough reason to abstain from many men. Although she had initially feared Gabriel, his profound warmth, sexuality, and beauty, had forced all fear aside, and had replaced a fear of HIV with a fear of losing him; and therefore she had kissed him, with the weak and slender hope that he had not been infected, and that if he had, she would not be infected through a kiss. She had been taught that HIV could only be transmitted through fornication, without a condom, and so although she had always felt so close to death, she had risked its grasp for every kiss and every touch, knowing that her ultimate death would be the loss of him. So, as she contemplated the possibility of disease, she contemplated her reaction to the possibility of losing him, and felt satisfied with her choice. She imagined the beautiful outcome of health and bearing children, but then she contemplated the negative outcome of ill health and death. As she saw death potentially knocking at her door, she became filled with dread, but almost instantly felt a love that told her she would stand by him even though.
Gabriel Page 27