Hard Luck Hank: Basketful of Crap

by Steven Campbell

  “Great.”

  “So your boots are done,” he said, handing them to me.

  They didn’t look like much. Kind of dark brown and almost floppy. They came up to my ankles. Normally I got boots as stiff and thick as possible so my weight wouldn’t tear them apart. These were almost like socks. They didn’t have as much grip as boots but Ioshiyn said I could put some glue on the soles and periodically scrape it off and reapply.

  “Will these protect me if one of those Therezians steps on my foot?”

  “No, it’s just hair. It will protect against punctures but that’s about it. Besides, what good will it do you to have your feet shielded if the rest of you is mashed?”

  “They’ll have something to bury at least.”

  The Gandrine still weren’t back at my apartment. I suppose they were pulling more Therezians out of the ether.

  “Therezians?” the General asked, in his approximation of shock, which was very similar to his approximation of sadness or levity, and very much similar to his usual state of anger.

  “Yup. Sorry I couldn’t wait for your secure tele to arrive, but I thought this was pretty important. I don’t know how many there are now, but I think at last count there were eight. Not including Wallow. And they’re big.”

  “All Therezians are big.”

  “Yeah, but I think a few of these could step over Wallow without bending their knees.”

  “Where did they come from?”

  “First off, I have to say that all the corporations are really just one corporation. It’s the same group controlling all of them. They were only fake fighting with each other to thin out Belvaille’s population. As for the Therezians, the corporation is bringing them with their own Portal. Someone,” I said, wanting to protect Delovoa, “suggested they were coming from Thereze.”

  “That’s impossible. That planet is under constant surveillance. No ships are allowed to land or take off.”

  “Well, you did a fantastic job of that.”

  “What do they plan on using them for?”

  I did my best exasperated shrug, but realized he probably couldn’t see me on the tele.

  “They’re stepping all over buildings right now.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” the General asked suspiciously.

  “The way I figure it, if you want to keep this station, you better get here and shut down that Portal. If any more Therezians come through you’re not going to be able to do anything no matter how many warships you got.”

  “And what is Belvaille to us?”

  I cleared my throat and went over the sheet Garm had prepared for me.

  “In accordance with Article 7 as an Independent Protectorate of the Colmarian Confederation, we invoke the Common Defense Framework which provides for the security and intervation in case of attack or occupation.”

  “Intervention,” he corrected.

  “Whatever.”

  “That could take weeks or even months to secure a response,” he said.

  “If there’s fifty Therezians here by that time, what’s your response going to be? Sympathy?”

  The General seemed to chew this over.

  “A landing party will arrive within a week to appraise the situation. Keep me informed of any major updates.”

  Never thought I’d be happy to hear the Navy was bringing troops.

  CHAPTER 56

  The next morning, when I stepped into my living room I saw six soldiers standing there, rifles in their hands.

  They were corporate. Opaque helmets and green body armor.

  I froze, waiting for them to make the first move.

  They didn’t.

  “Hello?” I asked.

  Tense moments passed.

  “Can I help you?”

  Still no answer.

  “How is it everyone has the key to my apartment?” I asked rhetorically.

  Curiosity and stupidity fought for possession of my brain and they both won. I walked warily to the nearest soldier. When he didn’t respond, I began unfastening his helmet.

  I took the helmet off and its face was exactly the same as the one that had been in Delovoa’s basement. Just less dead.

  However its eyes were staring straight into mine.

  It was an intense look.

  I took a step to the side and the eyeballs followed me. When I took another step so that the eyes could no longer follow, it turned its head slightly.

  It was probably the creepiest thing I had ever seen.

  A Colmarian had been constructed to be a robot. It was disgusting. I felt revolted being surrounded by them. All of them with identical faces? All of them with staring eyes?

  No wonder this was outlawed.

  I walked through them and they adjusted their heads as needed, but otherwise didn’t move.

  I carefully put on my vest and more carefully put on my autocannon.

  Facing them, I opened my front door and backed outside.

  When I turned, I saw an APC, scores of soldiers, and two tanks in the street with their enormous turrets aimed right at me. The Gandrine apparently wanted no part of this and were not present.

  “So this is it,” I said.

  The tanks were huge. I was seeing them in full daylight and they were just monstrous. I knew I couldn’t shoot through them. My best bet was to load a canister round and try and take out some soldiers before they fired those guns.

  I needed to act fast as I was only going to get one shot if I was lucky.

  I quickly selected a canister round, pulled back the bolt, braced myself against the door, and fired.

  Kachooom!

  I was on my back somehow, even being braced by my apartment. My gun was on my chest, but I managed to get to my knees.

  I cycled the bolt, ejecting the spent shell and reloaded.

  I saw a number of soldiers had fallen but I noticed something very odd.

  I was still alive.

  The tanks had not fired. The soldiers had not fired.

  The ones who were injured and not dead seemed to be fitfully trying to resume their positions. Like they didn’t know or care they were bleeding to death or otherwise mutilated.

  A large electric whir sounded and the rear of the APC slowly lowered.

  I waited for something to jump out.

  Nothing did.

  “Um. Am I supposed to go in there?” I asked the people I just shot.

  I took a few steps forward. I still wasn’t dead. I took a few more steps.

  The tank cannons swiveled slightly to keep level with my chest.

  I picked up my pace and walked into the street, the tank turrets following me the whole way.

  I saw soldiers who were gurgling blood and didn’t seem to mind. Some were on the ground, too crippled to stand, but who kept trying anyway.

  “Sorry about…” I started, but I wasn’t sure who I would be speaking to.

  One soldier whose leg was badly damaged kept falling down. I stowed my autocannon and helped the soldier to its feet, trying to lean it against the tank. It reacted as if I wasn’t there and tried to move back to its original position, only to fall down again.

  I gave up and climbed into the back of the armored personnel carrier, which was filled with empty seats.

  The door closed and I wondered if I was making a terrible mistake. But it couldn’t be worse than being shot at point blank range by two tank cannons.

  I hoped.

  CHAPTER 57

  The APC stopped in front of a warehouse in the southeast. The back door of the vehicle lowered and I got out.

  There was no one to greet me.

  I walked into the building. Inside there were boxes and soldiers and Naked Guy.

  He stood some distance away, reading, and had not yet acknowledged me.

  “Hi,” I yelled to him, staying close to the door. “Sorry about the soldiers. You should have given them a note or something. I wasn’t sure what they wanted at first.”

  He looked at me briefly but
didn’t respond. I walked closer to Naked Guy and saw he had quite a lot of papers. Stacks. It was an inefficient luxury on a space station. Paper was heavy and bulky, two properties that made it extremely expensive to ship.

  “Hi,” I said again. I had my autocannon ready in front of me, but unloaded. I had taken the shell out during the ride and put it back in the magazine.

  He stood up straight, putting away his papers, and looked at me with his black eyes.

  “You spoke to the Navy recently. What did you discuss?”

  “You know. This and that.”

  I had been joking—well, lying—to the General about my tele being monitored, but maybe the corporation could after all.

  “What did you discuss?” He asked it again as if I had said nothing.

  “Just current events. Nothing special.”

  “What did you discuss?”

  I snickered.

  “What my favorite restaurants are.”

  “What did you discuss?”

  “Are you going to keep asking me the same thing? We talked about Ginland glocken. I think we have a chance of winning a game this year.”

  “What did you discuss?”

  “I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but your corporation attacked me and killed…a lot of people. I don’t feel like I owe you any explanations.”

  “What did you discuss?”

  “Alright. Well, it’s been great talking to you. I think I’m going to leave.”

  “That would not be wise,” he said.

  I had been brought here unharmed, but those tanks could have easily fired. I was also now deep in corporate territory. I wouldn’t get away unless he allowed me.

  “And you want to know what the Navy talked to me about? They talked about what was going on here.”

  “What did you discuss?”

  I sighed.

  “What do you want me to say? There’s Therezians here. They know you’re one corporation.”

  “What did you discuss?”

  “Rainbows! Sunshine! Happiness and teardrops! When are you going to believe me?”

  “When you stop lying.”

  “How do you know I’m lying?”

  “Your eyes. Your breathing. Your heart rate. Your movements. Your skin.”

  Hmm.

  “All that stuff can be faked,” I said in my worst lie ever.

  “What did you discuss?”

  “They’re concerned.”

  “What did you discuss?”

  “How do I know you won’t attack us if I tell you?”

  “I have no need.”

  “Are you trying to keep this city free from the Navy? Is that why you have the Therezians?”

  “No. What did you discuss?”

  “Just…for them to come protect us.”

  “When will they come?”

  “I don’t know!”

  “When will they come?”

  “Like a week. That’s all he said.”

  Naked Guy finally seemed to be satisfied. His expression didn’t change but at least he didn’t repeat himself.

  “Why does your corporation have all these Therezians?” I asked.

  “To give them away.”

  “To who? Gangs?”

  “Groups across the Colmarian Confederation.”

  “For what purpose?”

  “So they may fight each other.”

  “Who? The Therezians? I don’t get it.”

  “Colmarians,” he said.

  “Colmarians fight Colmarians?” It seemed like the worst business plan I had ever heard.

  “Yes.”

  “But that’s nonsense. Colmarians don’t fight Colmarians. What’s your real purpose?”

  “This Confederation is constantly fighting amongst itself. Just look at Belvaille.”

  “Yeah, but we’re lowlifes. The rest of the empire isn’t like us.”

  “Of course they are. You are the logical extension of what happens when restrictions are lifted. The Therezians will similarly lift those restrictions for other parties who are dissatisfied with one another.”

  “So you’re going to sell one side a Therezian and have him beat the snot out of another side?”

  “No. I will give them a Therezian. And give other sides tanks. And chemical weapons. And biological weapons.”

  “What? Why? How will your corporation possibly make money off that?”

  “It won’t.”

  “Well, I’m no corporate leader, but I have to suspect they want to make something off their investments. Why else are you here?”

  “This is why I’m here.”

  I shook my head.

  “Who are your bosses then? They can’t know you’re doing this.”

  “There is only me,” he said.

  “But you’re naked.”

  He didn’t answer. He seemed to be done with the conversation and went back to his papers.

  I struggled with what I had been told. It wasn’t logical at all.

  “Why are you doing this? What is the ultimate purpose?”

  Without looking up he answered.

  “I have never seen a galactic civil war.”

  “Civil war? What’s that have to do with anything?”

  He turned to me again.

  “The Colmarian Confederation is too big and too diverse to ever fight about one issue. Or even a dozen. But there are thousands of petty hatreds and rivalries across the empire. They are only held in check by the Navy and a relative power balance. By giving each side the means to destroy the other, they will take the opportunity. And with so many battles erupting, the Navy will be powerless to stop them all. Once they begin, it will pull in neighboring systems and concerned parties. And even other empires will see their chance to carve out pieces of the Colmarian Confederation.”

  I stood there in shock.

  “But why? What do you hope to gain from that?”

  “I have never seen a galactic civil war.”

  “Millions of people could die.”

  “No. I believe many billions will die.”

  “But how will you profit?”

  “I have never seen a galactic civil war.”

  “Seen? That’s it? You’re doing this because you haven’t seen it before?”

  “Yes.”

  I was dumbfounded. I was lightheaded. I couldn’t feel my feet.

  In my life on Belvaille, I had long ago given up simple terms of right and wrong. No one got up every morning, stretched, and said to themselves, “Time to do something bad.” People did what they did for reasons. Usually really good reasons by their own reckoning, just maybe not good reasons according to others. But this was horribly wrong.

  “You’re…evil,” I managed.

  “There is no such thing. If there was, I would know.”

  I didn’t know what to say. It was just so out of my realm of understanding. Was it possible? Was this an ugly joke?

  He saw me stammering.

  “Would you like to hear my story? I haven’t told it in a long while.”

  I made the briefest of nods.

  “I was born ages ago on a primitive world without writing or even language. We existed in small tribes and ate what food we could scavenge from vegetation or carrion. After some time I noticed I was different from everyone else. It wasn’t just that my eyes were unusual, but much more. I did not eat, sleep, grow sick, tired, or age. I could do the same things that I saw others do, but I could not experience them. I was like a shadow, mimicking my people.”

  “Due to my longevity, I eventually became the chief and we prospered. We grouped with other tribes, eventually becoming a nation. Over millennia we developed architecture, art, and all the sciences of a learned species.”

  “But I grew more and more disenchanted. After so many generations I had seen everything they could possibly do. They made the same mistakes over and over again no matter what I counseled.”

  “Finally I grew tired of it and left my people to seek a solitary li
fe. Occasionally, groups would come to worship me or destroy me or otherwise harass me as a god or demon. I never changed and they never changed.”

  “When our star began to glow, I was relieved. I knew that I would at last have rest. I had been with my people since we lived in mud and straw and had seen them reach powered flight and global communications. However, as a species, they had not advanced at all.”

  “Our planet was destroyed by our star. Obliterated completely.”

  “Yet I somehow survived.”

  “I floated through space for untold eons, until the light from my dead star faded from view. It would have been so much easier if I had gone insane. If I heard voices and saw visions, but I was incapable of even that transformation.”

  “I remained the same.”

  “Eventually I was tugged into the orbit of a planet. I broke through the atmosphere of a dead world and I waited. I waited so long. Long enough for life to evolve and grow. Then once again I had something to watch and interact with. For as monotonous as mortals inevitably are, they are tremendously more interesting than barren rocks or space.”

  “That is what I have done ever since. Attempt to find things I haven’t seen or create them. I have never seen a galactic civil war.”

  When he was done I stood there shaking. I knew what I had to do. But I wanted to confirm it.

  “So you’re willing to kill billions of people just to view something different?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  I loaded an HE shell into my autocannon as fast as I could. I felt it would do more damage than a canister and wasn’t sure I could hit so small a target with an AP shell.

  Kachooom!

  I was on my back. I was paralyzed. Not by the weight of the gun or the concussion, but by a thousand slivers of steel stuck in my skin. I couldn’t move my face as the skin was frozen in place by all the needles. My eyes were closed and I generally did not feel very good.

  I just hoped that I had killed Naked Guy.

  Suddenly I heard a voice above me.

  “Did you not understand my story?”

  With overwhelming difficulty I managed to crack one eyelid open. Naked Guy was staring down at me.

  “If I was capable of dying,” he said, “I would have killed myself billions of years ago.”

  CHAPTER 58

  As I lay punctured with shrapnel, I could hear the bustle of civil war preparations going on around me.