by Chase Connor
When Calculus was over, and I was free for the day, Alex followed me for a minute down the hallway, trying to figure out what was wrong. However, he didn’t get to bug me for long because we had to part ways so that he could head to practice. He gave me a surreptitious and quick hug before dashing away towards the changing rooms. So, I finished my walk out to the parking lot alone. My phone dinged just as I approached the driver’s door of my car.
Dad: I won’t be home ‘til late tonight, Holden. Don’t wait for dinner. I love you, son.
Me: Ok. I love you, too.
I smiled to myself as I shoved my phone back into my pocket. At least my father loved me no matter what.
“Hey, Cooper.” I jumped at the sound of Logan’s voice behind me.
I twirled around, half expecting a fist to come flying at my face. Instead, I saw Logan standing before me, hands in his pockets, his face aimed at his feet. Without meaning to, I looked around, making sure there were still witnesses in the parking lot. Even though people were still getting into their cars and leaving, we were mostly alone.
“Hey…Logan.” I responded tentatively.
Logan chewed on his bottom lip, as if having a wild battle inside of his own mind. I waited for several moments but couldn’t take it any longer.
“Did you want something?” I asked evenly.
“I just…” he sighed and ran a hand through his hair desperately, “I wanted to know if we could talk, man.”
“Okay.” I responded slowly. “Talk.”
He looked around furtively.
“Maybe in private?” He suggested, glancing up for just a second before looking down at his feet again. “You can come to my house if you want?”
I snorted.
“I’m not coming to your house.” It sounded way more defensive than I had planned, but I wasn’t sure what he had planned.
Logan’s face turned red and the chewing on his lip got more intense. I watched him for a minute, chewing on his lip like it was a piece of gum, and finally gave a sigh.
“You can come to mine if you want.” I relented.
Logan looked up, hopeful.
“But, you’re not planning to like…kill me or anything, are you?” I asked, only half-joking.
Logan’s eyes widened at the very suggestion.
“Okay.” I nodded. “Good. I guess, just…follow me then.”
I got into my car and watched for Logan in my rearview mirror. Once he was in his Prius, I pulled out of the parking lot, taking my time so he wouldn’t lose me. In silence, I drove across town, not even bothering to turn on the radio. My eyes kept darting to my mirror, making sure that I hadn’t lost Logan or he hadn’t changed his mind. He followed me the entire way to my house, though, never once appearing to be having second thoughts.
Once I was parked in my driveway and Logan had parked at the front curb, we got out of our cars. I grabbed my bag while Logan left his in his car. Together, we walked in silence up the front walk to the door. I unlocked the front door and led the way inside, Logan shuffling behind me. Inside of the house, standing in the living room, I waved at the couch. Logan took a deep breath and sat down, still looking anxiously around. I sat down in the easy chair next to the couch where I could look keep my eyes on him easily.
“Okay.” I motioned. “Talk. We have privacy.”
“Where’s your…” Logan glanced around.
“He won’t be home ‘til after dinner.” I responded. “He texted me right before you showed up in the parking lot.”
“Okay.” Logan nodded furiously and began rubbing the palms of his hands against the thighs of his dress pants.
Suddenly, I got the vibe that something very bad was going to happen, and I was about to spring up out of the chair and run for it. Logan’s next words stopped me though.
“I’m sorry I was a dick to you.” He glanced up, finally making eye contact that lasted more than a millisecond. “You didn’t do anything wrong, and I was a total dick to you. Even after you were super nice to me all week long.”
I just watched him.
“You didn’t deserve that.” He shook his head. “So, I wanted to tell you, in private, that I’m really sorry and I hope we can still be friends.”
“You ignored me all day…”
“I know, Cooper.” He was looking at his feet again. “It was just really awkward and I didn’t know what to do and…”
“I shouldn’t have implied that you…”
“I’m gay.” Logan stated firmly, his face turning red.
The words hung in the air around us like a miasma. Not quite visible, but still hanging there, waiting for something like a breeze to blow them away.
“I’m…I’m gay.” Logan stated firmly again, giving a single nod of his head as he averted his eyes. “I know that’s kind of weird and all, and maybe you…maybe that’s a problem for you…but I hope it’s not. I thought maybe you were just implying that you knew gay people so that I’d out myself and you could tell everyone…or…I don’t know, maybe just hold that over my head.”
I kept my eyes on him, my anger and anxiety melting away like ice on a summer sidewalk.
“But, I mean, I know you’re not that guy.” Logan stated. “I mean, a guy like that wouldn’t be as cool as you were to the new kid on his first week. I just don’t want this to make you not want to be my friend and stuff, ‘cause I really do like being your friend, man. I don’t really…have a lot of friends.”
I frowned. This walking wet dream in front of me, this sweet, vulnerable, nice guy didn’t have many friends??
“I know you might need to think about this and all.” Logan nodded at me. “And that’s cool. But I hope that after you’ve forgiven me and thought about it, you’ll be my friend again. I hope I didn’t fuck up the first good friendship that I’ve had in a long time.”
I was speechless. There’s no way this was happening.
“So…um…I’ll go and let you think. Please don’t tell anyone, okay? Please?” Logan started to stand. “And, I really like your house and all.”
“Oh, sit back down you idiot.” I rolled my eyes with a smile.
Logan looked at me for a moment, obviously cautious, but lowered himself back to the couch. I let him sit for a moment as I thought over how beautifully this had all played out. But, I knew what it was like to stew in one’s own anxiety and fear, so I didn’t prolong it.
“I forgive you.” I replied. “And we’re definitely still friends, man.”
Logan’s smile was immediate and brilliant, pearly whites flashing at me.
“You mean it?”
“Absolutely.” I nodded.
All the tension in Logan’s body melted away and he seemed to deflate—in a good way.
“Oh, Jesus, man.” Logan put his face in his hands for a second before smiling at me again. “I was so worried that you’d call me a ‘fag’ or a ‘homo’—like Alex does—and you’d tell me to get out of your house and—I don’t know. I just didn’t want to lose a cool guy like you as a friend. I didn’t want me being gay to change the way you think about me.”
I swallowed hard. There was no point in playing games anymore.
“I’m gay, too.” I said the words I’d only ever said to Alex and my father before.
It was like time stopped. My breath caught in my throat. Logan froze. For several moments, we just stared at each other. Finally, Logan’s mouth turned into the biggest grin I’d ever seen in my life.
“Seriously?” He gave a nervous laugh.
“As a heart attack.” I sat back in the chair, all of my tension slowly melting away, too. “Gay as they come. Bad choice of words, I know.”
Logan laughed loudly, then seemed to remember where he was, and looked around, his laughter dying off.
“Laugh away.” I started laughing with him. “It’s just us here.”
We both laughed and got it out of our systems, finally calming down once the gravity of what had just transpired between us became marginally le
ss significant.
“Man.” Logan shook his head with a smile. “I was so fucking nervous coming here to talk to you and now…”
“Feel a little lighter? I do, too.”
“Yeah.” He nodded.
“You’re not just making all of this up so I’ll keep helping you with chemistry, are you?” I teased. “I saw the way you looked during the lecture today.”
Logan laughed loudly.
“No, man.” He gave a definitive shake of his head. “I really, truly want to be your friend still. And I’m gay. But, now that you happened to bring up chemistry…”
He gave me a goofy, clenched grin that only showed his bottom teeth.
“Go get your bag, asshole.” I motioned towards the door.
Logan laughed loudly and jumped up from the couch, headed for the door as I stood from the chair. At the last second, Logan turned around and came back to me. I cocked an eyebrow at him as he approached.
“Can I…hug you?” He asked shyly.
“I don’t really do…that.” I chewed on my bottom lip.
Logan blushed.
“But, if it’s important to you…”
Before I knew it, he was smiling and wrapping his arms around me, pulling me in for the biggest hug I’d ever gotten from another person, save my father. For me, the hug went on uncomfortably long, but Logan pulled away just before I tried to end it myself. He gave me a smile and ran back out the front door to get his bag from his car. I shook my head with a smile. Well, if one day of anxiety and fear produced results like this, I’d be willing to be anxious and afraid more often.
Logan and I were at the kitchen table, fine-tuning his notes, eating frozen pizzas I’d made for us, when my dad finally got home. Somehow, the time had gotten away from me. Logan had texted his mother to let him know he was studying at my house and eating dinner there right after we had sat down. But four hours went by before we knew it. When my dad walked in the front door and loudly announced his presence, I realized it was dark outside.
“I’m home, spoiled fruit of my loins!” My dad hollered up the stairs from the entryway.
“In here, dad.” I laughed at the wide-eyed expression on Logan’s face.
Moments later, my dad rounded the corner into the kitchen, taking in the scene at the kitchen table.
“Oh.” He broke stride momentarily before continuing his entrance into the kitchen. “I didn’t know you were here, Marshall.”
“Hi, um, Mr. Weissman.” Logan gave another of his awkward grins.
“He’s only your teacher at school.” I rolled my eyes at Logan before speaking to my dad. “I’m helping Logan with chemistry. Well, and he’s my friend.”
Logan had turned his head away and my dad said:
“Oh, it’s good to have friends…” He made a gesture with his hand.
I shook my head “no” at the implication.
“Yes, friends are good.” My dad announced again. “We should all have more of them. Did you make anything for dinner?”
“There’s still some of that casserole in the fridge.” I gestured to the other side of the kitchen. “I didn’t think you’d want frozen pizza.”
“You assumed correctly.” My father answered as he headed towards the fridge.
“So, make sure to study those notes every night this week, and this weekend, and you’ll be ready for the pop quiz on Monday. Promise.” I turned my attention back to Logan.
“Man, you don’t know how much this helps.” Logan groaned happily from his seat. “I was f…freaking lost.”
“No sweat.” I shrugged as we started putting away our chemistry work.
Silently, we both packed up our bags as my dad heated his food up in the microwave, trying to pretend he wasn’t watching us. Finally, once our bags were packed up and Logan was ready to go, I walked him towards the front door. My dad eyed us from the microwave as we left the kitchen. I flipped him off as he grinned at me.
Once we were in the living room, Logan turned back to me, almost causing me to run into him. He glanced towards the kitchen before turning his attention to me again.
“Look, um,” he was chewing on his bottom lip again, “I know this is weird, and maybe seems opportunistic due to everything that’s happened…”
“I’ll keep helping you with chemistry.” I laughed and stepped around him towards the door.
“Well, um,” Logan turned away from the kitchen to face me, “I was kind of wondering if you had plans this weekend?”
“I don’t think so.” I shrugged. “If I’m not at Alex’s, and my dad hasn’t scheduled me to within an inch of my life, I’m usually just hanging around here. Did you wanna come watch movies or something?”
Logan gave a painful smile before awkwardly reaching up to scratch his head. I frowned at him, wondering what was going on.
“I was thinking maybe we’d go, um, see a movie.” He suggested. “Maybe get some dinner or something.”
Over Logan’s shoulder, I could see my father in the kitchen doorway, mouthing out words to me again.
“Yes, father!” I growled over Logan’s shoulder. “He’s asking me out on a date.”
Logan froze. Suddenly, a thought struck me.
“You are asking me out on a date, right?” I leaned in to mumble under my breath to Logan.
“Uh, yeah.” He gave a nervous chuckle.
I looked over his shoulder. “Yes, he’s asking me out on a date, dad.”
My dad gave me a “thumbs up” before disappearing into the kitchen. Logan looked amused, but also scandalized. I felt bad for him—but there was no other way to do this with my helicopter father around.
“Sorry.” I gave an uncomfortable laugh.
“No. It’s okay. I’m just not used to…everyone being as…cool as this.” Logan gave an easy smile.
“Oh, ok.” I returned his expression.
“So…we can iron out the details…but maybe Friday around six?” Logan blushed. “I’ll pick you up? Get some Thai food? See a bad movie?”
“All of my favorite things.” I nodded with a smile and headed towards the door.
Logan was absolutely beaming as he stepped across the threshold as I held the door for him. I started to say “goodnight” and “see you in chemistry tomorrow”, but before I could, Logan had suddenly planted a quick, but sweet kiss on my lips. Somehow, my mind managed to focus solely on the quick, but wonderful kiss. Logan pulled away too soon for my liking, his cheeks red, but his grin bigger than I’d ever seen it.
“So…” he looked down, “see you in chemistry tomorrow?”
“Mmhm.” I replied, pushing my lips together to keep from smiling too widely.
“Okay.” Logan beamed. “See you tomorrow, Cooper.”
“See ya’ then.” I waved as he walked away, looking over his shoulder every few feet to smile at me.
Logan got into his car, buckled up, and pulled away, waving goodbye again as I watched, waving from my open front door. It was a cool September night, and I had gooseflesh along my arms as I closed the door. At least, the cool air is what I was going to assign blame to for the goosebumps. My grin was growing as I closed my eyes and turned around to lean back against the closed door. When I opened my eyes, my dad was standing in the doorway of the kitchen again, eating his dinner straight out of the casserole dish, watching me with a smug grin.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in bed, young man?!?” I pointed an accusatory finger at him.
“Don’t worry.” Dad replied around a mouthful of food. “I didn’t see the kiss. But, if I had seen it…I would say that it was a decent, if not amateurish attempt.”
“Oh. My. God. Dad!”
He stole a move from my book and shrugged.
“I like him.”
“You just met him.”
“He’s in my class, dingus.” My dad replied, finally swallowing his bite of food. “I’ve been with him six whole hours over the last week. Very polite to me and the other students. Kind even. Knows his books.
Isn’t a smartass like you.”
I rolled my eyes.
“You two weren’t having the butt sex while I was out were you?” Dad asked, only half-teasing.
“Ew! Dad!” I groaned as I moved away from the door towards the stairs.
“Just answer me.” My dad walked through the living room, stopping me on the second step.
“No, father.” I waggled my head at him. “We weren’t ‘having the butt sex’ while you were out. We were studying. I knew he was gay—since we’d both just confessed our homosexuality to each other just hours ago—but we were just studying. It never crossed my mind that he’d want to ask me out, let alone kiss me, before he left. Okay?”
“Okay.” My dad nodded.
I started to take another step.
“But,” His voice stopped me, “do you like him?”
I just looked down at my dad, suddenly overcome with confusion.
“What?”
“Do you like him, Cooper?” My dad gave me an ‘are you deaf’ look. “Do you think you’ll want to have the butt sex with him one day in the future?”
“First of all, can we stop saying butt sex???” I groaned.
My dad nodded as his grin grew. I chewed on my bottom lip.
“He’s definitely not ugly.” My dad cocked an eyebrow as I thought.
“No. He’s not ugly.” I responded.
“Nice guy.” My dad continued. “Smart enough to ask you out. So….?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “I like him okay. I’ve only known him a week, though.”
“And already kissing! Ooh-la-la!” My dad teased.
I rolled my eyes.
“Well,” my dad reached up to lay his hand over mine on the banister, “he’s a good, not ugly kid, Cooper. And he asked you out, so he’s a lot fuckin’ smarter than those other entitled shitheads at Dextrus.”