by Chase Connor
I couldn’t help but chuckle, even though I blushed.
“Just be smart and safe.” He patted my hand before finally withdrawing it. “With the butt sex, I mean.”
“I hate you.” I groaned.
My dad laughed. “Well, I guess I was wrong about you and Alex, huh?”
I swallowed hard. “What do you mean?”
“I thought for sure you were lying to me about what was going on between you two, but here you are with this kid.” He jabbed his thumb towards the front door. “Obviously, you had your sights set somewhere else.”
I gave a tight grin and nodded.
“Wait.” My dad squinted up at me. “Alex doesn’t think you’re dating him does he?”
“Dad.” I frowned down at him. “Your son may be a lot of things, but he’s not a whore. Virgin—remember?”
“Okay.” My dad smiled. “But piece of advice, if you’ll humor me?”
I motioned for him to continue.
“Since this is obviously going to be your first relationship, right?”
I nodded.
“Shut the hell up about the ‘virgin’ thing, son.” He patted my hand again. “I’m not advocating any particular behaviors, but you want to at least give the illusion that you put out.”
“I’m in Hell.” I looked up at the ceiling. “This is literally Hell right now.”
I started marching up the stairs, sliding my hand away from my father’s.
“Figuratively, son!” He hollered after me. “Figuratively. Unless there’s a guy with horns and a red ass up there and flames spouting from the ground, it’s only figuratively.”
My dreams that night were the daydreams I had put off during the day due to my anxiety and fear. I dreamed that I was in my bed at home at night, only the moon shining through the window providing light. Thom was coming through my window again, only the outline of his body visible in the bluish light provided by Earth’s only orbiting satellite. I smiled to myself as I watched him sneak in my room, coming to take what he wanted from me.
When he was through the window and moved closer to my bed, it wasn’t Thom, though. It was Logan. His blonde hair shone in the blue light as he bent down next to my bed, bringing his face closer to mine. My face split into a wide grin as he leaned down to kiss me, to make up for the all too brief kiss we had shared at the front door earlier in the evening.
My lips pursed as he pushed his face against mine, kissing me deeply and passionately as I reached up to run my fingers through his hair. For what seemed like an eternity, we explored each other’s lips and tongues, getting to know each other more intimately than I’d ever known another human being. I reached up and ran my hands over his back as we kissed deeply.
Both of us were beginning to breathe heavily as he pulled away from me. But it was no longer Logan in my room kissing me—it was Alex.
I sat up in bed like a shot, my eyes wide.
Oh. Fuck.
As I drove to school the next morning, it became clear to me how guilty I now felt. Alex had wanted me to get close to Logan so that I could introduce them—help Alex hook up with Logan. Instead, I had somehow ended up getting Logan to confess to being gay. Right before he asked me out on a date. And kissed me. After the dream, I had managed to fall asleep, but Alex’s disapproving face plagued my dreams for the rest of the night.
Had I just betrayed my best friend?
No. Logan had asked me out. Logan had kissed me. I hadn’t initiated anything whatsoever. It wasn’t my fault that Logan had chosen me to ask out and then kiss. That was totally on Logan, meaning that Alex couldn’t possibly blame me for the way things had gone. Right?
But you didn’t tell Logan that Alex was gay, did you?
I grimaced as I thought of how things might have gone differently had I made it clear to Logan that Alex was gay, too. I could have told Logan that Alex was interested in getting to know him. To date him. But I hadn’t done that, had I? Instead, I had just told him that I was gay, then suggested that I keep tutoring him in AP Chemistry. Obviously, subconsciously, I had set this whole thing up to where Logan would ask me out.
Who else was there to ask out if he thought you were the only gay student—or at least the only one he knew of that wouldn’t be offended?
First period, fortunately, involved a lot of class participation, so I was able to block all of my self-chastising thoughts out of my head. I didn’t have to think about what I might have done to cause things to go the way that they had gone. I didn’t have to wonder if I had betrayed my friend through omission. Logan wouldn’t have asked me out if he hadn’t been interested anyway, right? I wasn’t just the best of a bad situation…right?
By the time I got to second period, Logan was already seated at our table. When he looked up to see me standing in the doorway, he smiled widely at me, and I melted. I couldn’t be too upset with the whole situation but I did need to tell him the truth about Alex. Let him decide for himself if he had really wanted to ask me out—or if I had been his only option. With a new resolve, and a little bravery, I made my way across the class and took my stool next to Logan at our table.
Before I could open my mouth, though, Logan leaned over to me.
“I thought about you all night.” He whispered, trying to make it look like an innocuous secret shared between friends.
I smiled. I couldn’t help it.
“Really?” I whispered back. “All night?”
“All night. For fifteen minutes, I was thinking about you a lot.” He gave me a quick wink.
I couldn’t help but blush. Logan leaned in and whispered again.
“I’d like to correct that kiss soon.” He breathed hotly against my ear.
Blushing wasn’t even the right word for what my face was now doing.
“I, uh…” I looked into his eyes, my resolve slipping away so quickly there was no way to stop it.
“You what?” Logan grinned.
“I’d like you to correct it, too.” I whispered. “Not that it wasn’t good.”
Logan smiled widely just as Dr. Sanders began his lecture. Logan and I looked at each other a little bit longer, having to force ourselves to turn and watch Dr. Sanders as he lectured. Minutes flew by as the lecture went on and on and on. Halfway through class, Logan dropped his pen onto the floor beneath the table. When he went to get it, he let his hand run up my leg as he stood back up to sit on his stool. I gave him a chastising look but couldn’t put any real power behind it. He gave me an innocent look before sitting down and turning his attention back to Dr. Sanders.
The rest of AP Chemistry went by like that. Stolen glances. Surreptitious touching and whispering. Notes passed. Some too explicit for me to feel safe just leaving in my folder, so I shoved them in my pocket. My Thom daydreams didn’t even cross my mind, but I was worried that I’d get more turned on than a daydream had ever made me. Luckily, the bell rang, signaling the end of class.
I walked Logan to my dad’s classroom, wishing we could hold hands, but settling for walking beside each other, our hands touching “accidentally” as they swung at our sides. When we got to the classroom, I told him I’d see him at lunch and he winked at me, making me blush again. My dad was standing at the front of the class and saw us. He gave me a sly wink as Logan entered the classroom. I waved him off, embarrassed, before heading to Spanish.
When lunchtime came, I hurried to the courtyard, a man on a mission. Luckily, I found my target at the taco cart. Alex was ordering his standard order—too much—as I approached. When he saw me, he gave me a big smile, obviously wondering if my mood had approved since the day before.
“Hey, bromo.” Alex nudged me in the arm with his elbow as he grabbed his order and stepped away from the cart. “Feeling better about…stuff?”
Alex had the worst coded language skills.
“Yeah.” I nodded, trying to smile genuinely. “He actually apologized yesterday evening and everything.”
“That’s awesome.” Alex beamed, biting into hi
s first taco. “Do you think…”
“Well, I don’t know.” I stopped him. “I mean, I still have to figure some things out, right?”
Alex nodded earnestly as he chewed a large bite.
“So…I’m supposed to tutor him in chemistry this week and we’re going to hang out this weekend.” I explained. “I should know something before too long, I imagine.”
Yeah. Correcting the kiss is probably going to make up your mind, dingus.
“Super awesome.” Alex nodded evilly. “So, you’ll let me know what you find out?”
“Absolutely.” I swallowed my guilt.
Alex leaned in, whispering in my ear with his mouth full of taco. “You’re a fucking awesome friend, homo.”
“Yeah.” I chuckled nervously. “You too.”
Alex was suddenly looking over my shoulder.
“There he is.” He whispered frantically. “Go talk to him. Do my dirty work, man!”
I laughed as Alex winked and walked away to sit with A.J., Caden, and Martin. Turning around, I saw Logan coming towards me from across the courtyard, absolutely beaming. I smiled back, trying to not feel too guilty at having essentially…okay, completely lied to my best friend. When Logan reached me, my first thought was to hug him, but I knew that was not on the table. Especially with Alex watching. The other students would find it strange, maybe tease us, but Alex would know something was amiss.
“Tacos for lunch?” Logan winked at me as he waved at the car behind me.
“Nope.” I shook my head gently. “Coffee and tea bar for me every day—I was just talking to someone really quick.”
“Then let’s go get coffee.” Logan shrugged with a grin.
Logan ordered a Reuben with chips this time and got iced tea, while I ordered my usual Turkey, bacon, and avocado panini and a sweet cream cold brew. Instead of taking our food and sitting with the other guys, as per usual, the two of us went to my spot that I had sat at the other day. We both sat behind the half-wall, out of sight of everyone else, eating our food, drinking our drinks, and just talking.
It was nice. Autumn was arriving in full force in Vermont, and the weather was impeccable. Even Logan, a total California surfer dude, had to admit that the beginning of autumn in Vermont was amazing. As we ate and talked, I managed to forget about the betrayal I was committing against my best friend. All I could focus on was this sweet, obscenely fuckable guy sitting next to me, wanting to be with me.
Did finding my first boyfriend make the betrayal okay? My conscience wasn’t so sure, but my body was telling it to back the fuck off.
Logan and I spent Tuesday together after school studying at my house. Then Wednesday, too. And Thursday was the same. Every day after school, Alex had practice, so he didn’t notice as much, and if he had, I had already told him that I would be tutoring Logan in chemistry. He did manage to text me every day after practice to see if I had “learned anything new” about Logan. I always responded, reminding him to have patience. That I was “working on it”. Every time I did, the guilt got heavier in my gut.
When Friday rolled around, I realized that I hadn’t had a single daydream about Thom during any of my classes. However, my dreams were still populated by a very naked Logan, who always dissolved into Alex at the end. My mind was racked by guilt and slowly driving me insane. I was doing my best to remind my conscience that I was just trying to see where things were going with Logan before I did anything else. Before I came clean.
Besides, I had no idea if Logan was even interested in Alex. Sure, he obviously probably thought Alex was hot. Anyone with eyes could see that my best friend was obscenely fuckable himself. But that didn’t mean that Logan would choose him over me. Logan and I had things in common besides wanting to get into each other’s pants. Right?
You don’t know the truth because you haven’t been honest, dingus.
Who was I to play this game? I was messing with my best friend’s happiness—or at least his chance at having true happiness. And all so that I could be happy instead. Of course, I couldn’t say that I was really all that happy. An ulcer was probably forming in my gut from all the worry and guilt that I was putting myself through. Happiness is worth nothing if you have to do something against your own morals and values to achieve it, right?
Calculus was achingly long on Friday, and Alex kept trying to talk to me—not about Logan, but just like friends do. I was too distracted to perform well, to act like the best friend that I was supposed to be. My guilt and anxiety were bleeding over, and I knew Alex could tell, whether he said anything or not. He probably just figured that I was stressed out tutoring Logan, allegedly trying to find out if Logan was gay, and normal teenager stuff all combined. I chose not to say otherwise.
By the time Alex was running off to practice after Calculus and I was headed to the parking lot, I was an empty shell of a guy. I felt like absolute shit—at least emotionally. What was wrong with me? A lot of people did things like this all the time—disregarded other’s feelings so that they could get what they wanted. But I had to be a big ball of guilt, an absolute piece of shit. When I saw Logan leaning against my car, smiling at my approach, his pearly white teeth showing through the genuine grin, the guilt disappeared again.
Get yourself together, dingus.
“Hey, you.” Logan’s grin grew even wider and more genuine as I stopped in front of him.
“Hey…you.” I gave my best possible smile, all things considered.
“I didn’t want to wait to see you tonight.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “I was afraid I’d forget your face.”
I blushed and looked down.
“It’s my favorite face.” He chuckled deeply.
“You are so annoyingly able to say the nicest things.” I shook my head.
“I’m a genuinely nice person, Cooper.” He shrugged.
I smiled crookedly, the ball of guilt returning to my stomach. Logan was genuine. And I was a fraud.
“You are.” I nodded.
Logan glanced around, seeing that there were still people around us.
“Since I can’t give you a better kiss right now,” Logan gave a sigh full of longing, “I guess we’ll have to wait until six, huh?”
“I suppose.” The corner of my mouth turned up on its own.
“Six o’clock then?” Logan winked and reached over to give my shoulder a quick squeeze, one that would look simply friendly to others that might be watching.
“Six o’clock.” I nodded.
I watched as Logan walked to his car, climbed in, and pulled away, waving and smiling as he left.
You’re an absolute dick, dingus.
I drove home, listening to Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, reveling in my misery and self-loathing. It was the perfect music. Between the music and my own internal monologue, I had a feeling that I might start weeping before I got home, but somehow, I pulled it all together and stayed stoic during the drive. As I pulled into the driveway my dad’s car pulled in behind me. Apparently, he didn’t have any after school meetings or conferences or any assignments to grade.
Without turning around to wait for my dad, I walked up to the house and let myself inside. Before I could make it two steps up, my dad was through the front door, dropping his bag beside it.
“Hey, mister.” My dad stopped me. “You couldn’t even wait for me?”
“Sorry.” I looked down at the steps. “I was just…I have that date with Logan at six.”
“I know.” My dad’s voice was laced with what I knew was a grin. “I made sure to come home on time today so I could be here. Didn’t want to miss the big night!”
“Right.” I nodded and started up the stairs again.
“Hey.” He stopped me again.
I turned to look at him, finding him frowning up at me.
“You okay, son?”
“Pristine.” I said through clenched teeth.
He appraised me skeptically.
“You are excited about the date, right?” He asked cautio
usly.
“Yeah.”
“Well, you sure don’t seem like you are.” He tried to tease. “Don’t act so glum on the date. It’ll be the last.”
“Right.” I started to turn.
“What’s going on with you?” He frowned again. “I know disrupting your usual ‘sleep over at Alex’s all weekend’ schedule throws you off, but you don’t have to be a grump, chump.”
“For fuck’s sake, dad!” I growled. “Could you shut the hell up?!?”
My dad didn’t look shocked or even angry, he just stared up at me. Which hurt more than any other way he could have reacted. I closed my eyes, completely disgusted with myself. If there was an award for worst son, an award for worst friend, and an aware for biggest douchebag, I could have swept the ceremony.
“Well,” my dad finally stated slowly, “you better go get ready if you want to be on time when Logan shows up. Right?”
With that, my dad walked towards the kitchen. I sat down on the steps, halfway up the stairs, absolutely done with myself. My behavior over the last week was completely deplorable. And now I had just been a complete dick to my father—the one person in my life that always treated me with respect and loved me unconditionally. He was probably the best father in the whole world, just like Alex had been the best friend in the whole world. Sure, they could both be annoying as hell, but they were the best.
Instead of following my dad into the kitchen to apologize, I jumped up and raced up the stairs to my bedroom, once again a coward and weakling. I threw myself on my bed face first and screamed, chastising myself as I lay there. What was happening to my life? What was happening to me? Why was I acting like a total asshole with every chance that presented itself? How had I moved so far away from the person I really was?
Because you’re a piece of shit who betrays everyone, dingus.
I was standing in front of the floor length mirror in my bedroom, looking myself over as the clock showed a quarter ‘til six. I was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, sneakers, freshly showered, shaved, and smelling like a person going on a date should smell. There was nothing else to do but wait…and I was really just looking at my reflection, wondering if the real me was still inside this shell that was obviously a pod person. When I heard the knock on the door, I expected my dad to announce that Logan was already here, showing up early out of anticipation. Instead, when I told him to “come in”, my father stepped inside alone. I glanced at him for a second but quickly looked away, still ashamed of my behavior.