by Ava Catori
Quite honestly, I was ready for her to go. We’d gotten over our initial bump, but we never really found our stride.
Before she headed to the airport, Kira pulled me aside. Her words surprised me. “He means well, Avery. He couldn’t save Mom, so he’s going to try to save you and me over and over again. You need to accept that. It’s who he is. He loves you, he really does, but he’s battling his own demons. Let him be the hero once in a while. It helps.”
I looked at Kira differently after that. It explained so much about their bond. She let him save her. She knew how much he needed it. I thanked her for the advice, and then she was gone.
***
It was the third game of the season, first and goal. In the fourth quarter, the Red Hawks put Steel in the game. They were hoping he’d pull off the win. With the Red Hawks behind, a field goal was the safe bet, making it a tie game, but the coach was going for a touchdown. A win was a win. They’d give Steel three attempts to get the ball into the end zone. If he didn’t do it, they’d kick on the fourth down and take the three easy points.
Steel lined up, found his target, and then threw a perfect spiral to his receiver. When the driving tackle came, he went down hard. He didn’t see it coming. Pain shot through him with a force that not only took him down, but kept him down. He didn’t know if the ball connected, but as the roar rose through the stadium, he knew they’d scored.
Officials and medics ran to the field as the rush of excitement fell to silence. Steel wasn’t getting up. People waited. The tackle was shown over and over on the big screen. My head spun with panic. My chest was tight. He was hurt. The announcers analyzed the play. I watched in fear as they carted him off the field. He signaled to the crowd with a thumbs up. The crowd cheered wildly. I heard nothing. Everything moved in slow motion.
I jerked from my seat and ran in search of my lover. I knew he wasn’t okay. I sensed it. My face went numb. I couldn’t feel my lips. I knew he had to be shredded with pain. The hit, the ferocity of it… No. Don’t pay head games with yourself. Just get to him.
There was no question. His season was over. He’d be side-lined. The fracture meant that his career was on hold. I knew it was a bad one. I saw him roll up over his leg, bending it way too far. Every single time he went down, my eyes were glued to him, just making sure he gets back up. This time he didn’t.
It replayed over and over in my head. The pain on his face, the people surrounding him, my view blocked, waiting…waiting to see.
I tore through the building, got to the locker room, but it didn’t matter. I was left in a holding pattern, forced to wait outside. Once I got the news, I could breathe. It pained me that his season was on hold. I knew how much it meant to him, but at least it wasn’t worse. His spine – his neck, he could have been paralyzed.
He was everything to me. I couldn’t lose him, not now, not ever. He was my entire world.
Nothing prepared us for the mood swings that would follow his injury. Steel took the news hard, and I couldn’t make it better. I couldn’t save him.
On top of his injury, there was still a giant elephant in the room. The bone of contention was Phil’s. I still worked as a bartender at a seedy dive. I promised to mail out some resumes, email some, and whatever else it took to find something different. I’d visit job sites like Dice, Indeed, Monster and any other place I could think of. I’d stalk LinkedIn. I had no idea what I wanted to do, but if it bothered him that much, it was the least I could do. He was already pissed off most of the time while in recovery. Maybe he’d get off my back and focus on his healing, rather than my crappy career.
The lack of response didn’t help my self-confidence. I went over my details again and again, rewording things, and tried to decide if I was even good enough for some of the positions I’d applied for. Who was I fooling?
Our relationship was getting rocky. We weren’t in a good place. He was ferocious, like a wild grizzly bear on a mission to piss off everyone in his path. I was spiraling into a deep depression. Our fights became pointless, they were stupid and way too often.
“You can’t work at that shitty place forever,” he’d grunt.
“I’m trying,” I shot back. It was like beating a dead horse. He wouldn’t let the topic drop. “It’s not like I didn’t put my resume out there, but nobody’s calling.”
“That’s no excuse. Find more places to apply then. You need take charge and push harder,” he yelled.
“Listen, I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but back the fuck off. Stop pressuring me. I’m doing what I can.” I glared at him.
Steel rolled his eyes upward, but it caught me the wrong way that day.
“You’re fucking impossible,” I fumed.
“Stop being a god damn freeloader and do something about it.”
Holy shit. When he said that, I flipped. “Freeloader? Are you serious? Fuck you. Just fuck you. You dragged my ass here and begged me to stay. I didn’t ask you to take me in. I was happy where I was, before you felt the need to change my life.”
“Happy where you were? Are you kidding me? You were cowering like a wounded, beaten-down dog and lived in a room with a mattress and a lightbulb. You shared a bathroom with drunks and drug addicts. What the fuck are you complaining about? If it weren’t for me, you’d still be there.”
“You’re an arrogant asshole. Do you even realize what a jerk you are?” I slammed the door behind me. I didn’t need his bullshit. If he thought I was a money grubbing leach trying to get a free ride, I’d prove to him I could make it on my own. I was fine before he came along.
I stood before Phil. What was I trying to prove? The words were out before I could stop them. Did he have a room available? Only, when he told me they were all filled, I didn’t know what to do.
It was a slap in the face. Reality hit me. Did I truly want this? Or was I stupidly trying to make some point? Was I really that stubborn? Was I willing to throw away what we had?
It was nonsense. With my head hung low, I headed back home.
When I went inside, it was as if a bucket of ice, cold water was dumped over me.
He stood on his crutches, packing my bag, and sneered at me. “I started for you. Go take care of yourself, because you obviously don’t need me. Don’t you dare walk out on me, unless you mean it. We’re finished here. If it’s freedom you want, you’ve got it. See you, bye.”
I was stunned. I couldn’t breathe. My feet froze to the floor. “Steel?”
He threw money on my nightstand, adding insult to injury. “That will get you a hotel room for the night, and then you’re on your own. We’re through.”
My stomach lurched. I ran for the bathroom and just barely made it. I clung to the porcelain god as I lost the rest of my lunch.
I didn’t want to go. It had nothing to do with the house; it had everything to do with Steel. He was my life. He was everything to me. I banked on us going the distance, only, he shut me down. It was my fault. I’m the one who walked out…and he called my bluff.
When I cleaned up and rejoined him in the room, I couldn’t find my voice. Did he mean it? This was a mistake. If I left, if I walked out the door, things would never be the same. And yet I was the one to leave earlier. Now that it was his idea, the tables had turned.
I could barely choke out the words. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I swallowed my pride and groveled. “I do need you. I don’t want to go. Steel, don’t do this. I love you.”
“Do what? You wanted to leave. You’re the one that walked out,” he growled.
“It was a mistake,” I cried.
He turned his head away, trying to absorb what was happening. He teetered on the edge.
“I need you. You’re everything to me,” I pleaded.
He wouldn’t look at me, but his tone softened. “I just want what’s best for you, if only you’d see that. You’re stubborn, Avery, so freaking stubborn.”
I nodded, afraid to say the wrong thing.
“I want this to work, bu
t you’ve got to let me lead. I’m not some control freak, but we can’t both be headstrong all the time.”
I begged. “Please don’t make me go.”
He reached out to me. I stood in his arms, desperate to feel his warm embrace. My body quivered as I cried into his chest. I’d almost lost him. Nothing would have shattered me more. Steel Brickman was my life.
“I’m not myself right now,” he finally admitted. “This leg isn’t going to heal fast enough. I may get sidelined before I even get started.”
“You’re worth the wait,” I whispered. “They’ll see that.”
“I hope so,” he said and rested his head against mine.
Chapter 16
Only a year before, he’d walked into the bar and found me broken. It was hard to grasp so much time had passed.
I’d finally gotten a bite on a resume, but during the interview they mentioned that the job was in Dallas. I held out for another. For now, I was at Phil’s – at least it was something. I think it embarrassed him, because he got antsy. Phil’s turned into a sore spot. I finally put in for an opening at another local pub. He seemed pleased for the time, but it was always something.
When I landed another job at Hops and Scotch, he complained that bartending wasn’t what I got my college degree for. I knew he wanted me to strive to find my future, but without people returning my calls, there wasn’t much I could do.
He was on the phone with his sister a lot, and at one point I overheard him mention I was wasting too much time serving booze. It’s not that he said it, it’s how he said it. His voice was laced with venom.
When I confronted him, he admitted that he expected better things from me. Being tied to a bartender was hardly the life he’d planned. He expected to marry somebody professional, not waste his time with a bar girl. I didn’t see a problem with what I did, but he thought I was settling. Honestly, I think the real problem was that he had too much time on his hands.
His physical therapy had him cagey and unsettled. Things were taking longer than they wanted. There were complications. I’d become his pet project, much to my dismay. He wanted to micro-manage me, tell me what to do, but it smothered me. Our fights grew weary, and once again I caved.
“Steel, this isn’t working,” I finally said. “I can’t be who you want me to be.”
“I just want you to want more for yourself.”
“What if I’m happy being a bartender? Why can’t that be enough for you?”
He looked away, not wanting to voice his truth. No, it wouldn’t be enough for him. He wanted a woman who strived for greatness, not mediocrity. “I expected more out of you. I’d thought you’d be doing something else by now.”
I felt like a wounded kitten. I’m not going to lie, his words stung. “So, I’m a disappointment. Why do you keep me around?”
“I love you, Avery. I do. I just don’t think I’m in love with you anymore. I don’t respect somebody that settles for simplicity and isn’t willing to work for more. I don’t know if I can live with that. I’m sorry.”
The sear of pain struck me with such intensity, I knew there was no going back. I wished him well and gathered my things. I had no idea where I’d stay, but for now I’d find a cheap hotel room until I could find something better.
There was nothing left to salvage. He wasn’t in love with me, and didn’t respect me. There was no point in staying. We were through. There was nothing left.
I found rooms that rented by the week. The “29 Slumber Motel” sat just outside of town. It wasn’t pretty, but at least I had my own bathroom, so there was that. The hotel was full of people that made the rent-by-week place their ongoing residence. I felt like a vagrant, but for now it was home.
I’d look for a house to share or room for rent in a nicer part of town when I found my motivation. Right now the only thing I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry.
***
When he walked into Hops and Scotch, I wasn’t expecting him. He waited for me to see him. I’d been in the back, grabbing a plate of food for a customer. When I saw him, I stopped in my tracks. I dropped off the food and returned. It took everything inside of me to breathe. “What are you doing here?”
“Come home, Avery. I miss you.”
“You don’t love me,” my eyes misted over. Shit, I didn’t want to cry at work.
“I do love you. I was a jerk. I can’t sleep without you by my side. Please baby, come home.”
I swallowed hard. As much as I wanted to tell him there was no way in hell I was going back, just to prove a point, I knew it was stupid. I missed him, too. I said a prayer and hoped we could fix our problems. I nodded. “I’ll get my stuff after work.”
“Where is it? I’ll get it for you.”
I handed him the key. “29 Slumber Motel, room six.”
“I’m sorry, Avery. I was so wrong. I need you, just as much as you need me. We’re a team, baby.”
“I love you,” I whispered, choking back tears.
“We’ll make things right.”
We belonged together. We needed each other.
Chapter 17 – Steel
I was responsible. It wasn’t Avery’s fault. I felt like less of a man. My career was on the line. I didn’t know what my future held. I was an ass. I didn’t mean what I said, but I struck out, lashing her with my words.
Truth be told, when Avery came into my life, she completed me. There was always something missing, but she filled that void. She was sweet, even when she was guarded and thought she was tough. When she’s in my arms, I know I’m with the right person. She brings a joy to my life that I’ve never known.
I want what’s best for her. She doesn’t give herself enough credit. She’s such a smart girl, but doesn’t think she deserves good things to happen in her life. I know her confidence took a hit after what happened with her step-brother, but she’s worth so much more than she realizes.
I want to lift her onto my shoulders and help her reach her dreams, but the girl just doesn’t dream – at least not what I can see. I guess trying to push her, I pushed too hard. I was a jerk. An idiot. I love that girl. She’s the best thing that happened to me.
I hate that she’s lost. I don’t know how to change things for her, to make them better. I want to fix things, and I can’t. That’s a difficult place to be. I feel stronger when I can control the circumstances, but this is her life. I need to let her live it on her terms.
I don’t mean to come off as overbearing, it’s just that sometimes the way I love that girl overwhelms me. I wish she’d reach for the stars. Hell, I’d buy her a god-damn ladder if it would help. I have to let go, and it puts me at a loss. I don’t know how to do that. And yet, I almost lost her with my short-sited temper.
The only thing I’m certain of anymore is that I need Avery by my side.
When I left the bar, I went to the shitty motel she was staying at. It wasn’t the kind of place she should be living. She deserved so much better. Shame washed through me as I gathered her things. I’m the one that pushed her out. I returned her key to the office and left. This was my fault. I did this. I let her down. It was time to fix it.
Chapter 18
I had to ring the doorbell. I didn’t have a key anymore. It felt weird, almost symbolic, waiting for him to let me back in. I felt like an outsider, like I didn’t belong, and yet I wanted to be here. Without Steel, I felt empty.
When he opened the door, he apologized. “I should have given you your key, I didn’t think.”
“It’s okay,” I said, a little nervous to enter. I wanted to jump into his arms, but it wasn’t that easy. We had to work through the tension between us. We loved one another, but would it be enough?
“I’m glad you’re home,” he said.
“Me too.” I walked in and sat on the edge of the sofa. “Steel, we need to talk about this.”
“I know.” He sat across from me. “We’ll figure it out…together. Don’t leave, Avery, please don’t leave. I need you.”
<
br /> Steel needing anything came as a surprise. He was always in control, like he could tackle the world. I couldn’t picture him needing someone as simple and as messed up as me. I whispered quietly, “You don’t need me. You can move mountains without me.”
“I do need you. My heart is broken, and you’re the only one that can fix that. I want you with me. You’re my heart and soul.”
“You’re not in love with me,” I reminded. The words killed me.
“That’s not true. I was trying to hurt you. I’m sorry I sank that low. Avery, give us another chance.”
I nodded. I couldn’t imagine life without Steel.
He spoke gently. “Can you forgive me? I’m sorry I wasn’t more careful with your feelings.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “Can you forgive me? I was a bitch.”
“Absolutely,” he answered.
We were exhausted and worn from the emotional craters. We clasped our hands together, reuniting. That tiny moment was bigger than I can tell you. I was home.
***
Once the cast came off, it made a huge difference in his demeanor. Seeing him climb out of the depression was like recognizing the old Steel of past. I didn’t realize how heavy the burden of his injury had been. His identity was tied to his career, and if he wasn’t useful he didn’t know if the Red Hawks would keep him. He had no intention of being a bench warmer.
The mood finally lightened at home.
When human resources from a local company called me on a resume I submitted months before, I got nervous at the thought of interviewing all over again. The last jobs I applied for in corporate environments hadn’t gone over well.
I froze up with strangers, a social anxiety that didn’t bring me across in the best light. Sure I could do the actual work, but getting past the interview was my biggest challenge apparently.
Steel was excited for me. We went over possible interview questions, rehearsing what I might say.
I dressed carefully, found my way, and went to the interview. I thought maybe, just maybe it might work out. And then he said the words that took my breath away. “So, Steel Brickman of the Red Hawks, huh?”