Unicorn
Page 22
As I walked through the parade, I was alarmed by the sheer quantity of white muscular bodies around me, and the overt Eurocentrism of the whole affair. The unashamed deification of capitalist brands gives the parade an intensely secular feel, as if Western capitalism were the saviour of queer people. As if the free market was the reason queer people now have freedom (it isn’t – capitalism polices and exploits queer bodies all the time, driving us to aspire to ideals that do not protect the community and which encourage us to compete amongst each other). It was all so unappetising that I decided to leave.
On the walk home, I thought about how much I had revered the West in my life, and how I had thought that the Western establishment was where I so desperately wanted to belong. But all these attempts at belonging brought with them painful exclusion, and diverted me from the many magical things I didn’t realise were hidden in my own heritage and faith. I too had been co-opted by Islamophobia, and allowed myself to believe the narrative of Islam as a totalising force of evil. But why is it that even though many Catholic priests have sexually assaulted children, we are still able to imagine Christianity as a bastion of morality? Yes, many Islamic countries have regressive policies – as do some Christian countries – but this doesn’t mean that the faith itself is at its core regressive. As with anything, when a thought system becomes instrumentalised and institutionalised, it can lead to extremism and patriarchal governance. When I finally got home, I was happy to be away from the parade, knowing that a rampantly secular gathering of mostly white bodies was not where I belonged.
The next day, however, was one of the most powerful of my life. I attended an event in London called Black Pride, a much-needed antidote to the grossly corporate and apolitical affair of Pride in London, centring queer people of colour, and celebrating a diversity of bodies and identities. Whereas Pride has become a place that presents LGBTQIA+ people within the framework of heteronormative corporate success, Black Pride is a political and inclusive event that gives queer people a truly safe, alternative space, a glorious occasion spread across a park in Vauxhall. I went with a group of friends, including my dear Layla, my majestic drag sister Crystal, and a wonderful queer female friend called Ellie who I love deeply. As we were wandering around, a shy, handsome Arab person moved towards me, telling me that they were aware of my work and were grateful to have seen some queer Arab representation in the media. With a bewitching stare, they gestured for me and my friends to come with them to ‘Pride of Arabia’.
We were guided to a hidden pocket of Black Pride, away from the central path that takes you to the main stage, in the corner of a lawn tucked away from the big crowds. I soon found myself among a group of queer Arabs and Muslims, flaunting the costumes of their pasts in true queer glory, many in drag, belly dancing to the Middle Eastern sounds that had raised them (and for some, excluded them). Layla was by my side, as if in that moment our traumatic associations with our heritage were suddenly silenced, and all we felt in front of us was love, solidarity, and beauty. The two runaway Arabs had finally reached their destination.
I didn’t think the moment could get any better, but then the rich, powerful sound of Umm Kulthum’s voice came through the speakers, and I was directly communicating with that little Amrou on the couch in Bahrain with Mama, assuring them that eventually, it was all going to be OK. It was going to be better than OK – it would be glorious.
I breathed in the colourful display of bodies, all intertwining together, each and every one of us fusing our heritage with our queer identities. My eyes closed, I spun around like a whirling dervish, feeling a loving, non-binary Allah soothing all my wounds. I felt as if I was inside my teenage aquarium, swimming in a magical potion that blended all of the fragmented parts of my identity. Like the quantum subatomic particles that make up our universe, I was finally able to inhabit all the different facets of who I am in a single moment. When the Umm Kulthum song finished, I got out my phone and I sent a message: ‘Mama, I love you.’
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Firstly, I would like to thank Kitty Laing, my extraordinary agent, who believed in me right at the beginning of my career, even when I struggled to believe in myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for emboldening me to be the best queen I can be, for teaching me my worth, for supporting me through the good times and the bad, for all the life-changing opportunities, and for taking care of me. I am forever grateful to you, both as an agent and as a dear friend.
Thank you to my phenomenal book agents at United, Jon Elek & Millie Hoskins, for pushing me and testing me to create the best material I could, for fighting my corner and supporting me even when I thought I couldn’t do it. This book would not have been possible without you, and your support and kindness has kept me going. Thank you to my whole team at United Agents for always having my back, the glorious Isaac Storm, the majestic Katya Balfour-Lynn, the wonderful Giles Smart, Jennifer Thomas, Rosa Schierenberg and Frances Greenfield.
Thank you to my exceptional editor Anna Kelly, for guiding me through this emotionally tumultuous process with remarkable calm and wisdom, for your incredibly astute notes at every stage, for taking a chance on me as an author, and for being so patient throughout (especially during my breakdowns … for which I am sorry!). I am indebted to the whole team at 4th Estate; Helen, David, Patrick, Matt, Liv, Fran, Paul – you really are the most overqualified and incredible team a queen could ask for, and I am very lucky to be with you. Thank you also to Sophie Wilson, for your invaluable advice and support on my initial proposal – you really helped me to shape what this book could be, and I’m deeply grateful to you.
Thank you to Lettice Franklin, for giving me the confidence to write this book all the way at the start, for advising me and supporting me throughout, and for being one of the kindest and most generous people there ever was. Our ‘one-on-ones’ mean everything to me, and your friendship is one of the greatest joys of my life.
Thank you to Russell T Davies, for being an exceptional mentor, a fiercely loyal and honest friend, and for pushing me to the best of my ability. You’ve challenged me to be a better creative and a better person, and I feel so lucky to know you.
Thank you to my teachers Luke Skrebowski & Karolina Watras for inspiring me and opening up my mind so vividly. I hope you know what a profound effect your teachings had on me.
Thank you so much to my brother Ramy, for your unconditional support and your amazing heart. I don’t tell you enough how much I love and respect you.
Thank you to Harry Carr, my angelic unicorn, for being such a ray of light, hope, support, and inspiration. I am so lucky to have you in my life, and my world is a brighter place because you are in it. I love you unconditionally.
Thank you to Ellie Kendrick, for being family, for growing with me, for supporting me through everything, and for teaching me so much. You are an uncommonly good person, and I don’t know where I’d be without you.
Thank you to Matthew Knott. I cannot believe that it was pure luck that brought you into my life. You have supported and enriched me in more ways than I can express. Thank you for being one of the most loyal and kind friends I’ve ever had, for your constant wisdom, and for all the things we’ve learned together.
Thank you to Amnah Hafez – you are a sister to me, and a complete gift. I am so grateful to you on so many levels, for healing me and making me smile like no-one else. We were always meant to be together.
Thank you to Tom Rasmussen – what can I say? You are my queer sister till the very end, and a constant source of joy, support and inspiration. You make me feel stronger every day, and I hope you know just how extraordinary you are. I feel so enriched by what we have together, and look forward to my queer horizon forever expanding with you. The same goes for you, Hatty – our queer discoveries have shaped me and guided me, and I feel so blessed to have someone as radically magical as you in my life. I love you.
Thank you to Denim, my first queer family
. You saved me. Shugsy, your purity and kindness is a treasure, and you can genuinely make me laugh like nobody else (and shout out to the wonderful Jessie Wyld and our iconic tinnies!). Charlie – you have creatively pushed me and supported me my entire career, you’ve taught me so much, and your eccentricity has never stopped giving me joy. Guy, thank you for being one of the most uncommonly loyal friends there is out there – I cherish it, and am so grateful.
Thank you to Polly Stenham, for your fiercely supportive friendship, and for being there during some of the hardest times in my life. You are an extraordinarily generous friend, and the understanding we share is rare and sacred.
Thank you to Victoria Sin, for teaching me to take up space, for opening my eyes, expanding my world, for making me feel safe and seen, and for inspiring me. You are a one in a trillion, and our time together has taught me so much and filled up my heart.
Thank you to Amelia Abraham, for being a truly loyal friend, for always giving the best advice, and for making me see the funny side of things. You are an extraordinarily loving person, and I am so grateful for our friendship.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to Bex – we’ve shared so much emotionally, and I count you as family. Thank you for always being honest with me and for forever leading with your heart – I adore you and love you. You too Niko – we’ve gone through the world together, and so much of who I’ve become was because you were there with me. Thank you Sophie Crawford, for being such a good-hearted, generous, and truly hilarious friend. You are a wonder, and your talents always inspire me. Thank you Eve Hedderwick Turner, for every dinner where we’ve shared our work and supported each other. And to Check – I don’t know how I would have survived Cambridge without you; some of the times we shared together have been the happiest of my life.
Thank you to Marina Diamandis, for teaching me to love myself, for all we’ve shared emotionally, and for inspiring me as an artist. You are a complete jewel, and I feel absurdly lucky to have you as a friend. Thank you to Florence Welch, for your always healing poetry and incredible generosity of heart.
Thank you to Amia & Sophie – you have both stretched my mind and touched my heart in a multitude of ways, and I only wish we saw more of each other. You’re incredible.
Thank you to my Camberwell Queer Crew – Tricia & Briony, you’ve made me feel like I’ve had a home, and I always feel giddy happy whenever I’m with your family. Thank you to Savannah James-Bayly, for being my queer creative partner these past few years – they have meant a tremendous amount to me, and I cannot wait to continue growing and making space with you. Our bond is so precious, and I am so grateful for it.
Thank you so much to Mary Burke and to Phil Canning, for always supporting me, making me laugh, and for taking me in at Christmas. Your beautiful family are a complete joy.
Thank you to my oldest friends for growing up with me and always showing me love – Hannah Wardroper, Edmund Weeks, Cornelio Brennand.
Thank you to all the extraordinary queer people and people of colour who have given me hope, fight and meaning, even when you didn’t know you were doing it – Travis Alabanza, Nadia Latif, Candice Carty-Williams, Juno Roche, Shon Faye, Huw Lemmey, Shay Shay, Chiyo Gomes, Umber Ghauri, Munroe Bergdorf, Kuchenga, Paris Lees, Kennedy Walker, CN Lester, BBZ, Juno Dawson, Jamie Windust, Alok Vaid-Menon, Michael Walker, Farhana Bhula, Sarah Brocklehurst, Matimba Kabalika, Jules Kelly, Caitlin Benedict, Arlie Addington, Stephen Dunn, Riz Ahmed, Riyadh Khalaf, The Vixen, Nina West, Sasha Velour, Shea Couleé, Joel Price, Simon Amstell, Daniel Chandler, Phyll Opoku-Gyimah, Max Cocking, Stephen Dunn, Sadhbh O’ Sullivan, Marcelo Ceatano, Marco Alessi, Matthew James Morgan, Dionne Edwards, Joy Gharoro-Akpojotor, Ash Sarkar, Owen Jones, Faiza Shaheen and Koby Adom, the list could go on.
Thank you so much to my psychotherapist, Daniel, for teaching me about … me. I owe you a lot. And finally, thank you to my mother and father for all your sacrifices. We’ve gone through hell and back, but the love we have for each other has never faltered, and I wouldn’t be the person I am now without you. I love you.
About the Author
Amrou Al-Kadhi is the founder of drag troupe Denim and has written an episode for Kumail Nanjiani & Emily V. Gordon’s upcoming series for Apple (US), Little America, as well as for BBC America’s hotly anticipated series, The Watch. Amrou has two original TV-series in development, one with Channel 4 Comedy and the other with BBC Drama. Amrou has written and directed four short films that focus on the intersection of queer identity and race, and has features in development with Film4, the BFI and BBC films. Their journalism has appeared in the Guardian, Independent, Gay Times, Attitude, CNN and Little White Lies, among other publications. Unicorn is Amrou’s first book.
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