The Mythniks Saga

by Paul Neuhaus

  “I think that ship has sailed biologically speaking. I will be your friend, though.”

  She nodded and stood. “I’m good with that. Would you mentor me?”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Would you take me Evil-catching with you some time?”

  I laughed. “Sure thing. It’ll be our fucked-up Greek mythology-inflected way of goin’ fishin’.”

  “That. Sounds. Awesome.”

  “It’s a date. Hey, I told your dad this already, but I’ll tell you too. After this, nobody else is allowed to bother me. Even if breakfast turns out to be solid gold flapjacks and bacon made of money. I’ll get up when I get up and not a minute sooner.”

  The teenager shot me a salute and put the chair back over by the dresser. She opened the door, slipped through it, and shut it behind her.

  “That was nice,” Hope said. “She’s a nice girl.”

  “She is a nice girl,” I replied as I rearranged my coverings and settled in for a third time.

  Another knock came at the door.

  “Oh, my fucking gods,” I said to the ceiling. Then I turned toward the door. “Go away! Pandora died!”

  “Dora! Dora! I really need to talk to you.” Was that? Could it be? It was. It was Hermes. How had he known where to find us? How had he gotten past the Neo-Olympians?

  “Come in,” I said with a feeling that was way beyond simple reluctance.

  Hermes came in, pulled the chair away from the dresser and sat down.

  I said something then I almost instantly regretted. “Should I put my clothes on? Are you gonna start playing tug-o-war with cyclops?”

  The messenger god scrunched his face as though he’d bitten into both a lemon and a grapefruit. “Gross,” he said. “I would never do that. You’re like part of my immediate family.”

  “Right. Sorry. That reminds me... A few days ago, when Medea was pretending to be you, she said something lascivious about my tits. That should’ve been a giveaway.”

  “You’re right. It should’ve been. I’m a big, pervy creep, but I’m not that big a pervy creep.”

  I took a deep breath. “And yet still this is awkward...”

  Hermes nodded without reservation. “I know. Of course. That’s why I’m here.”

  I sat up a little straighter and put my back against the wall again. “Can you tell me what it is you’re looking to do by helping Adrestia do... whatever it is she’s trying to do.”

  “She’s trying to get hold of Pegasus.”

  “Right. Good. That part was obvious. You realize this isn’t just a case of your daughter wanting a pony, right? She wants to kill Pegasus—the most sacred animal in all Greek myth—and feed his blood to the Kraken—one of the most, if not the most, despicable monsters from said myths.”

  The Olympian squirmed and made a bad joke. “Pony... Giant sea monster... What’s the difference?”

  I gave him the stink-eye. “The difference is the giant sea monster’s sole purpose is to break things. The last time he got rolled out, he was supposed to drag the city of Argus under the ocean. I know you divines don’t care about this sort of thing, but there were thousands of people living in Argus and I assume they weren’t especially psyched about drowning.”

  “There’s that patented Pandora snark.”

  “Don’t interrupt. I was building to a question.”

  “Sorry,” he replied.

  “Since the Kraken is in no way cuddly and does not give good financial advice, what does Adrestia want him for? More specifically: What is she looking to break?”

  Again, with the squirming. “I really shouldn’t be talking about this...”

  “Then why’d you come? What’d you wanna talk about?”

  Hermes sighed, and his eyes darted as he tried to nail down his own thoughts. “You know Adrestia is my daughter. My flesh and blood daughter. You also know I feel an obligation to her because of the blood bond. On the other hand, I know—just so we’re clear—that Adrestia is crazy. And yet still there’s that obligation. You know me: I pride myself on a certain pragmatism despite my trickster nature. I do my best to course correct my daughter’s behavior but none of it takes. It’s like pissing into the wind.”

  “At what point do you put your dick away and stop with the pissing?”

  He grinned a little. “I’m starting to rethink that metaphor. But, to give you a straight answer, I don’t know. It’s been forever and, gods help me, I still don’t know. All I can say is, you’re lucky you never had kids.”

  “Okay, but why’re you telling me this?”

  “Mainly I wanted you to know that, regardless of what happens in the near future, I’m sorry and I wish my real daughter was more like you.”

  That was nice and all, but I shunted it aside—because there were bigger issues in play. “Hermes...” I said sternly.

  He was cowed despite the difference in our stations. “What?” he said, sounding like a little boy.

  “What’s gonna happen in the near future? I need to know. I got people to look out for—one of whom is me. One of whom is your granddaughter. She’s your blood. Does that factor in? Plus, I have a nagging sense of fair play. I wish I didn’t, but I do. What that means is, if Adrestia is up to whack shit, I’m gonna wanna put a stop to it.”

  “I know you are, and that’s partly why I care for you the way I do.”

  “Hermes, don’t take this the wrong way—I appreciate the nice things you’re saying—but if all you came here to do was drop teasers for nasty shit, I think you oughta leave.”

  He winced again and exhaled sharply. “Wow. You would’ve been a lousy politician. There’s not an obfuscating bone in your body.”

  “Mama don’t got time for bullshit.”

  He stood, placing the chair by the dresser again. He looked like he wanted to say something. He also looked like he didn’t know what it was he should say. He nodded to me and opened the door.

  As soon as the door was cracked, I heard a commotion and some loud neighing. I was up and at ‘em much quicker than I would’ve thought possible, my body fired with adrenaline. I grabbed the bathrobe hanging from the lavatory bathroom, dropped my blankets, put the robe on, cinched it at the waist, grabbed Hope and ran out past Hermes. As I went by, I said, “If you care about me at all, you’ll stay out of this—whatever it is.” He gave me a hurt look and I brushed past him into the hallway. The other bedrooms were opening up, too, and all my friends were peeking out, bleary-eyed. “Stay here,” I said to them. “There’s no sense in all of us getting killed.” All of them obliged except Keri. I gave her a sharp look. “No way, young lady. You’re hanging back.”

  The teenager shook her head. “You said you wouldn’t be my mom, so you can’t talk to me that way.”

  The two of us burst out of the house. It took us a moment to get oriented, but the renewal of Pegasus’ alarmed nickering drew our attention to where it needed to be. Outside the horse’s corral, a cloud of ominous gray vapor wafted. Meanwhile, Adrestia was coming out of the main house carrying Clytemnestra’s dagger.

  The Kraken was hovering on Addie’s left so I went around that side of the paddock. Keri was right at my heels. “Careful,” I said. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

  The Wiener girl snorted. “I’ve actually fought this asshole before. Have you?”

  “Yes,” I said, and it was the truth. “But I have no intention of fighting him.” My hand went to the stopper on the pithos. I held onto it tight, preparing myself for the exact right moment.

  In my peripheral vision, I saw all the exterior lights go on. It was hard to miss. Suddenly, Acadine was lit up bright as day. There were also Neo-Olympians coming out of all the buildings in various stages of undress. I saw Squire exit the main structure, belting an ankle-length robe as though he were going to the end of the driveway to get his paper. A voice from behind me said, “Yo, call your people off! We got some dangerous shit going down!”

  I spared a glance over my shoulder. The speaker had
been Petey. He and the other bronies hadn’t honored my request to stay indoors. Now I had to worry about four men completely ill-prepared to deal with demigoddesses and ancient Evils. I pointed my eyes forward again, putting it out of my mind. If I worried about everything I had to worry about, I’d never get the job done.

  Diagonally from me, Adrestia jumped over the fence without laying a hand on the top beam—an amazing feat of dexterity considering she was carrying a super-pointy dagger. Her intent was obvious—she meant to stab our sacred horse, so the Kraken could drink its blood. Yet another tactical factor I didn’t have the brain juice to think about. I was still focused on nabbing the Kraken. That way, even if Addie killed Pegasus, the monster wouldn’t be around to enjoy the fruits of her labors.

  Behind me, Keri too leapt into the corral like an Olympic gymnast. She made a beeline for her mother. “I wish you wouldn’t do that,” I said, even though I was sure she couldn’t hear me. I turned my attention to Nicky Parsons, AKA Hope. “How we doing?”

  “Any time you’re ready,” she replied, as certain as I’d ever heard her.

  I slid to a halt in my bare feet and held the pithos firmly under my right armpit. I ripped off the lid and the beautiful suction began. It was finally time to Ghostbuster our semiaquatic nemesis. Meanwhile, the Kraken did something unexpected, heinous and tactically brilliant all at once: It flew in a wide arc away from me, making it so its trajectory into the pithos would carry it above Keri and Adrestia. When it was at the right point in space, it used the last of its energy to dip down and enter into Keri. Keri screamed, and her sclera turned red. She spasmed, clearly trying to fight the demon that possessed her, but the Kraken was designed by Poseidon to wreck ships and rip coastal towns into the sea. The teenager, though she was a demigoddess, never stood a chance.

  Elijah, Chad, Tiresias and Petey ran from the farmhouse to the paddock, alarmed but helpless. Squire and his people ran to the paddock in front of them and also stood impotently. Pegasus was neighing, the whites of his eyes were showing, and he kicked at the air.

  Meanwhile, something terrible was happening to Keri. Caught between the twin forces of the invading Kraken and the strong attraction of the pithos, she was jerking in the air. The sea monster was able to use her divine energies to resist imprisonment and I was afraid the girl would be torn apart. I was afraid, but I was frozen into inaction. Hope snapped me out of it. “No! Dora! Seal the pithos! Seal the pithos!”

  She was right. I slammed the lid back on the jug, and Keri dropped to the ground. She was no longer in danger of being ripped limb from limb, but I knew she was at the complete mercy of the Kraken. Whether she lived depended on his mood. When he left her body again, he could easily destroy her—and I couldn’t imagine a scenario where a monster, driven by such primal forces, wouldn’t end her life when he got tired of her.

  But he wasn’t tired of her yet. He needed her.

  Keri went over to her mother and ripped the dagger from her hand. She turned to Pegasus and walked toward him.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a frantic Elijah try and scramble over the fence and get pulled back by Petey, Chad and Ty. There wasn’t a damn thing he could do to help, but he was hellbent on trying.

  There probably wasn’t a damn thing I could do for Keri either, but I wasn’t going to let her go out that way. Not without offering some kind of resistance. With no one there to stop me, I went over the fence too, holding onto the pithos as best I could. As soon as my feet touched mud again, I said, “Hey! Ugly!”

  Big mistake. You wouldn’t think such an innocuous insult would piss off a Kraken so badly, but it did. Keri shifted the dagger to her left hand and raised her right at me in a sweeping gesture. A wave of invisible force slammed into me like an angry rhino and my back hit fence post. The wind shot right out of me and I slid down onto my butt. Again, you’d think the attack might’ve burned off the Kraken’s anger, but, again, you’d be wrong. Keri then raised her right hand above her head and I was yanked off the ground and thrown into the air. There I hung for a good ten seconds, dazedly watching the scene below me, and then the girl dropped her hand again. I hit the ground so hard, I thought my bones’d been powdered.

  Through it all, Addie looked on, amused.

  I heard a shout coming from the direction of the farmhouse. As my wobbly head pivoted toward the sound, I noticed that Keri (AKA the Kraken) had been walking toward me, knife raised. Fortunately, she was distracted by the shout too. The shouter said, “No!”

  The shouter was Hermes. He’d limped outside to see the mayhem he’d helped contribute to. His eyes flicked to Keri and then to his daughter. Adrestia had her arms crossed and was thoroughly enjoying the show. She took a few steps forward until she was next to her daughter.

  When the Olympian spoke again, his voice was quiet. “This has gone too far,” he said. “There’s no way I’ll sacrifice my own blood for a cause turned so evil. Leave the girl’s body, foul creature.” Then the messenger god raised his right hand and, from it, came a blinding beam of light. When it struck Keri, she was knocked to the ground. As she fell, the Kraken left her and returned to being incorporeal. Almost immediately, Keri—frightened and shocky—began to whimper like an infant. I crawled to her and took her in my arms, never once taking my eyes off the scene unfolding around the corral.

  It had come down to a standoff between god and godling. I couldn’t help thinking Hermes looked small and frail. Whatever he and his daughter had planned, the price had become too dear. That realization and his thousands of years of life weighed on him in that instant. It showed in his posture. In every line on his face.

  Addie turned toward her father, an eerie calm descending over her. She’d just made a decision. “What did you say?” she said. “What did you say to me?”

  Hermes stood a little straighter. “I said I’ll not sacrifice my own blood for a cause turned so evil.”

  Adrestia nodded, picked the dagger up off the ground and threw it the incredible distance between her father and herself. The long knife imbedded in Hermes’ chest and a gout of blood shot out of him.

  Now it was my turn to scream. “No!” I said. Seeing Hermes violated like that unleashed a riot of emotions inside of me. One of them was vengeance. Fortunately, it was not the strongest. I could’ve very easily rushed Addie and lost my life. Fortunately, my compassionate side won out and I ran to Hermes instead.

  But I wasn’t the only one.

  I felt a rush of wind go past me. Even as I ran, I saw the gray cloud that was the Kraken descend upon the Olympian. He got there long before I could, and I watched him affix himself to the god’s chest wound and go red as blood flowed into him. Even as he drank, he took on physical form. The same physical form from the Convention Center but tremendously larger. He was stealing the essence of an Olympian and, even though Hermes was not at all what he once was, it was a heady, powerful drink.

  I remember the Kraken being thirty feet tall when I put him in the pithos. He was diminished and weak at that time, so my task had been easier than Perseus’. But this was a new Kraken. Double his original size and fairly pulsing with vitality. As he grew, he dominated most of the space he was in. In fact, he knocked over the fence near the farmhouse and sent my friends scrambling. Pegasus was forced out of the way.

  When the monster reached its full height, I heard another shout. This time it was Adrestia. She kicked off her shoes and broke into a run. At full speed, she stooped and pulled the dagger out of Hermes’ chest then she scaled the Kraken’s back and the Kraken shot to the edge of the cliff (taking another huge chunk of the fence with him). The monster slid down the cliff face and, with his mistress along for the ride, disappeared into the sea.

  With the sea monster no longer blocking my path, I continued my run toward Hermes. He was lying in a pool of his own blood. Red ran out of his mouth. He was choking. Everyone who remained standing rushed in and formed a circle around us. Tears streamed down my face as I knelt and picked up the god’s hand. K
eri was right at my shoulder. She was crying too. Here was the grandfather she didn’t know she had bleeding out on the ground in front of her. I laid my free hand on his wound, unsure of what to do.

  Hermes was shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. I doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I’ve only got a short time... And there’s work still to do. The horse... He must be healed. He must be healed now.” He looked around me at Keri and a silent communication passed between them. The girl nodded. The fallen Olympian turned back to me. “Will... Will you come with me?” he said.

  I had no idea what he meant. Did he want me to go with him into the Underworld? If he did, I would go. I brushed away tears. “Of course. Of course, I’ll go with you.”

  And, in an instant, we were gone.

  6

  Tools of the Trade

  We reappeared in a portico made of white marble. All around us were clouds dyed orange by a sun that was always setting. Flower petals drifted lazily through the air from trees I did not see. Though I’d never been, I knew exactly where we were. We were on Mount Olympus. Former home of the gods. Zeus and the others had vacated it when they’d fucked off to wherever to was they’d fucked off to.

  Hermes laid to my left on a settee. He was still bleeding profusely and was in intense discomfort. He moved almost constantly, attempting to find the position that best suited his dying body. “This is Olympus,” I said. “You’ve brought me here, so I can save you. There’s a medicine here or an artifact I can use to heal your body. Just tell me where it is.”

  His eyes grew wider, and then he smiled. I tried to ignore the fact his teeth were red. “No, no, no,” his voice was quiet; every syllable was a strain. “I brought you here because you needed to come. And because this seems like a fitting place for me to die.”

  I shook my head. “Hermes. Don’t say that. Just... help me. Tell me how I can fix you.”

  His smile diminished slightly, but the twinkle in his eye remained. “Can you bring the gods back? Can you have them stand vigil over me? Can you have Zeus lay his healing hands upon my wound?”