In Memoriam

by Michael Beaulieu

I take the necklace off and put it in my locker. A few girls might’ve already seen it, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

  I make it a point to stare into the back of my locker as I get into my swimsuit. I don’t even glance at my reflection in my locker mirror. I’m afraid I’ll look at one of the other girls and she’ll accuse me of checking her out. Then they’ll either say I didn’t make the team and not give any reason – but I’ll know why – or else they’ll let me on the team and everyone will call me things like carpet muncher and rug cleaner. That’s basically what happened at the end of sophomore year, the last time I was on a swim team. Except that those girls weren’t as creative. I suppose I’m especially nervous about this right now because of the stupid rumor going around that I’m cheating on Li with January. People who are naive enough to believe it might be branding me a slut already.

  I suppose I should explain why I’m paranoid about people accusing me of checking them out. Em, Li and I were attending Berube Lowell High and I was on the swim team, which was going well, just as it had freshman year. I had helped us win medals and got along well with most of the girls. It changed during early May of sophomore year. We were getting changed for practice. Amber Kempster, who I thought was my friend, told Hailee Damon, who I also thought was a friend, that I was checking them out. I think Amber was joking, but Hailee took it seriously. And Hailee was one of those high strung, easily agitated people. She totally went off on me. She called me a “slutty dyke” and that became the team’s inside joke, for them to say “dyke” or “slutty dyke” whenever someone walked behind me, especially in the locker room. A lot of times they’d even elbow me as they walked by me. It kept me on edge all the time. Some of the girls even went to Li and told her I was always checking out the other girls at swim meets. Li laughed and said, “Good for her.”

  Nobody at Berube ever said shit to me when I was with Li. We had gym together and even the nastiest bitches from the team were afraid to call me a dyke then. They knew Lia would knock their teeth out. That’s why I didn’t tell her how often they were harassing me because I know she would’ve insisted I name names and she would’ve punched a bitch or five.

  Ultimately, it hurt much more than I ever let on. If I let my teammates know they were making me fight back tears at every meet, they would’ve taunted me that much more, pleased that they were getting to me. A lot of it had to do with jealousy. Amber and Hailee could never beat my time, but after they started with their “slutty dyke” shit they started getting better scores than me. My nerves were messing with my head and hindering my performance. I just couldn’t go as fast with their teasing voices endlessly echoing in my mind.

  I would have called my teammates my sisters before the dyke shit started and my world was shattered. Well, except that I had Li and Em, the two besties any girl could hope for.

  Fortunately, nobody has called me anything at Greenmont so far. Well, aside from the occasional a-hole who mutters murderer when they pass by me, Li or Em, but we expected that before we even started here, just from seeing Facebook reactions to the shooting.

  I slam my locker shut harder than I’d intended and the sound startles me, calling to mind all those gunshots I’ve had to hear between the shooting and the shit storm (a.k.a. Jenna’s demon haus). Even gunshots on TV have been making me flinch.

  Now I’m standing with the other girls by the pool, awaiting instructions from Coach Otsuka or one of her two assistants, Tanya Smitty and Patience Nkrumah. Tanya is Melinda James’ best friend. I heard Patience tell someone she was from Ghana when I walked past her in the hall yesterday.

  “Girls, before we start practice today Sharan Patel is here to try out. Sharan, why don’t you tell us a little about yourself?”

  Yikes. Talk about putting me in a pressure cooker. “Sure. First, everyone just calls me Shar and –.”

  “Can you say that again?” one of the other girls interrupts in a very rude tone of voice and smirks. “I’m not sure I got the pronunciation.” I picture her with a snake wrapped around her neck, her hands clutching at it, but she’s unable to free herself as she chokes. For a moment, the thought makes me half-smile. I almost wish that was really happening but... Then I realize how messed up it is and my lips reset.

  “Did anyone else have trouble understanding Shar’s name? Or is it just Louise?” Coach Otsuka asks.

  Nobody says anything. Not until rude Louise elbows the girl next to her, prompting that girl to say, “I did.”

  Coach’s forehead wrinkles as she glares at the two of them angrily. “Well, now you’ve heard me say it, too, so settle down, Patricia.” Then coach looks at me and smiles. “You can continue, Shar.”

  I wonder how Louise and Patricia like having old lady names. The thought makes me grin before I take a deep breath and hold it in for a moment before continuing. “As coach just said, it’s Shar. So, I was on the swim team freshman and sophomore years at Berube High. My specialties are the 100 meter breaststroke and freestyle. Overall, I was the highest scoring on my team for most of both years. My 100 meter breaststroke best is 41 seconds. I usually scored a six. With relays, we usually scored an eight. And I would really, really like to join your team.”

  “Can you demonstrate your 100 meter breaststroke now?” Tanya asks, prompting Coach Otsuka to give her the evil eye, but Coach doesn’t say anything.

  “Sure,” I say. I get in the pool feeling a little anxious as I take the three steps down the ladder – all eyes are on me – but I push through it and make a hard kick off the side, propelling myself through the water. As I swim, I complete two kicks to every one stroke, as is standard. Please, Lord and Lady, don’t let my muscles ache, and please give me, the strength, to complete, this is in less, than 59 seconds. I don’t expect to hit 41, or to be their number one, but at least, don’t let me take, longer than 45 seconds.

  I think I rhymed that pretty well for a non-rapper. Wait! I wasn’t going to pray for help with this. Just being able to have January make my muscles stop hurting was enough of an advantage. I don’t need to use magick or help from the Lord or Lady to get this. However, I am feeling a little sluggish. And if I don’t make good time on this then that’ll be the end of my swimming career at this school or anywhere else. So, if you want to help me, Lord and Lady, or any Gods and Goddesses, it would be greatly appreciated. Please, I ask the almighty, give me strength and speed, strength and speed, strength and speed. Please, Lord and Lady, oh how I worship thee, give me strength and speed, if it pleases thee. So mote it be.

  How’s that for writing your own spell on the fly? Or is it just a prayer if you come up with it yourself? Or is there even a difference? Either way, as my arms cut through the water over and over, it ceases to feel like I’m swimming at half-speed. Or like I’m swimming in almost solid Jello. Now, I feel my arms growing stronger. My legs, too. They don’t feel so heavy. This must be what being on steroids feels like. But instead of gaining weight and slowing down, I suddenly find myself moving faster. Not fast like the Energizer Bunny, but significantly speedier than I was. It’s as though someone just injected me with a high dose of adrenaline. And I like it.

  I kick off the other side of the pool and it gives me a mighty boost. Thank you Lord and Lady and any other Gods or Goddesses who may have helped me. This gift is much appreciated. So mote it be! So mote it be!

  As my arms and legs thrust through the water, it almost feels like flying, something I’ve actually done before. Stroke after stoke, kick after kick, I feel empowered. And powerful. I finish in what feels like no time.

  “42 seconds. Very impressive, Shar,” Coach Otsuka says.

  I see smiles on most of the girls’ faces. Except for Louise and Patricia. And Tanya. You’d think Tanya would like me because we told Melinda what that asshole said about raping her, but apparently not.

  I climb out of the water before I look at the girls and ask, “Does everyone understand my name now?”

  Most of the girls start laughing. One girl understands i
t so well she claps. Then another girl claps. And a third. It fails to spread from there, however. But I’ll take it.

  Coach Otsuka smiles at me. “Thank you for trying out, Shar. We’ll let you know tomorrow after school. Plan on staying for practice if you make the team.”

  “Will do. Thanks,” I say. “Everyone.”

  I head for the locker room. By the time I open the door, everyone on the team is talking about me, albeit keeping their voices hushed. I’m sure that’ll change as soon as I’m through the door. I could try to use magick to hear them – Emma is always doing that – but I don’t want to know right now in case they don’t want me. Tonight is about Kat and I wouldn’t want to spend it feeling sorry for myself.

  In the locker room. Five minutes later. I’ve just put my pentacle necklace, bra and shirt on. As I’m buttoning my jeans, another girl comes bursting in from the hallway. It’s Lauren Hope, who we’ve seen with Amy Akbar. I think it’s cute how they write each other notes instead of just texting. In any case, Lauren has short blonde hair and it’s not her natural color because her eyebrows are practically black. Right now, she’s wearing a pink blouse and black jeans and carrying a gym bag over her shoulder. We make eye contact and annoyance flickers across her face as she heads for a row behind the one I’m in.

  Maybe she’s jealous that her and Amy aren’t the only out lesbian couple at the school anymore? Of course, for all I know, there could be three dozen of us. I just can’t figure out why she would look at me that way. But I’m not going to give it any further thought. I sit down and put my sneakers on, tighten the laces and tie them.

  I’m heading for the door when Lauren comes rushing over, stopping in front of me, forcing me to stop. She talks faster than January on cocaine. “Hey. Sorry about a minute ago. I’m just stressed and I know Coach Otsuka is going to kill me for being late again. She might even kick me off the team. But, hey, your chances of making it will increase exponentially if that happens.”

  I can’t tell if she was making a joke or being self-deprecating with that last remark, but I don’t have time for this regardless. Juliana, Em and January are waiting for me outside and Li surely needs me back at the apartment.

  “Right. I need to go,” I say and step around her.

  She grabs my arm. Kind of hard. “Wait.”

  “What?” I yank my arm free, a bit horrified that she did that.

  “Sorry! Don’t be mad. I just wanted to say that I’m an alli. I mean, I’m lesbian, too. Amy Akbar and me, we’re a couple.”

  Just as we’d deduced. “Cool. Does the team know that?”

  “Yeah, totally. And nobody gives me shit. The girls are like my sisters. And there are lots of us gay kids at Greenmont.”

  “That’s good to know. I felt that way about the girls on my team at Berube. Then one day a girl told her friend that I was checking them out and after that people started calling me ‘slutty dyke’ when they’d pass behind me. As if I couldn’t recognize their voices.”

  “Slutty dyke?” She giggles for a second then shakes her head and face palms herself, “I apologize. I know how much that must have sucked. I’m sorry you went through that. And then that shit at the Catholic school. Fuck. But I can assure you that the girls on our team are all cool. They could’ve started name-calling me two years ago but they didn’t then and they haven’t since.”

  I let out a sigh of relief and smile. “Cool. Thanks for letting me know.”

  “Right. Anyway, I’ve gotta run.”

  She hurries further into the locker room as I exit even faster. But I guess it was a nice little talk. Aside from her yanking my arm.

  CHAPTER FORTY FIVE

  LIA

  I thought I would go with Juliana to pick up the girls and surprise them. Mom tends to run a little late, but I more or less rushed her out the door. Yet we still barely got here on time, dozens of students exiting the building already. I’m watching for Emma and January right now. Shar could be a while with her swim team audition, but that’s fine. I told Juliana to tell her she wouldn’t drive her home unless she went to her try out first. Otherwise, I know she would’ve bailed on it to come to my aid after how I acted this morning. Speaking of which, I was starting to go stir crazy at chez moi and didn’t want to start berating myself for something we’re all guilty of again. That’s the other reason I came. It’s not the time for stewing in self-deprecation. It’s time to celebrate Kat. At least I hope that’s the vibe tonight. I’m looking forward to hearing more about her from her friends.

  Emma is the first one to arrive at the car. I get out to talk to her.

  “Salut,” we say to each other at precisely the same time then laugh.

  “Feeling better?” Emma asks.

  “Yeah. A nap can work magick. Sorry I was such a bitch this morning.”

  She grins at me. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

  “I would. I can’t believe I was so intent on sulking that I wouldn’t let January help me.” That has to rank pretty high up on the list of stupid things I’ve done.

  Emma nods a couple of times. “Yeah, that was weird.”

  “You know me, I’m a monster when I don’t get enough sleep.” I try not to be, but I always fail.

  “We all know that,” Emma says, not entirely joking.

  But enough about me. I need to ask about my girl. “So, how did Shar do with those rumors floating around? I couldn’t tell how she’s handling it from her texts. I hope it doesn’t interfere with her swimming.”

  “No, no, it won’t. She’s just worried about your reaction.”

  My jaw drops. “My reaction? She’s the one being gossiped about.”

  “I know, I know. She’s just afraid it’ll get to you.”

  “Well, I hope she knows I have complete faith in her, that I know it’s total bullshit.” She must realize that. If she doesn’t know that much about me then we don’t really know each other at all.

  Emma rubs my arm, trying to relax me. “She knows. I think she just needs reassurance from you.”

  “Who needs what about what?” January asks, appearing at our side.“Shar,” Emma says. “She’s worried that Lia will be upset about the rumors.”

  “Right,” January says. Then she looks at me. “Sorry about my part in it.”

  I half-smile. “It’s OK. You had to think quick.”

  Emma’s hands curl into fists. “When I was on my way out of study Sati and the terror twins were talking shit about me.”

  “What did they say?” January asks.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t want to listen in. If I did, I might’ve lost my composure and fried the bitches.”

  I notice electricity starting to surround Emma’s right hand. “Em, take some deep breaths, your hand is starting to go high voltage.”

  Looking worried, Emma cross her arms in front of each other and buries her hands under them. Then she starts taking deep breaths.

  “Why are you so upset?” January asks. “I mean, who gives a damn what they say?”

  Emma’s jaw chatters as she attempts to talk. “I – I – I don’t know. The whole school maybe?”

  I can’t believe Emma is concerned about high school rumors after all the shit we’ve been through. “But we don’t care. If we cared about what people thought about us we wouldn’t even be here.”

  January raises her voice. “Yeah, half the school thinks you’re murderers and you don’t let that bother you. So, why get your panties in a bunch over a silly rumor about Shar and I?”

  “I don’t know,” Emma admits. “Maybe I’m just feeling vengeful after all the shit we’ve had to shovel.”

  I put my hands on Emma’s shoulders and don’t speak until she looks me in the eye after a few seconds. “Dude, we’ve killed all our enemies.” I’m speaking barely louder than a whisper. “Everyone who’s ever wronged us – really wronged us – is dead. We’ve already had our revenge.”

  “You’re right, you’re right,” Emma says, putting her arms around me and pul
ling me in for a hug. “Ils sont déjà morts.” They’re already dead.

  As Emma and I are hugging, January wraps her arms around the two of us, making it a group thing. And let me tell you, January is one strong hugger. I can’t help but notice the way her and Emma look at each other; it seems like their feelings are stronger than a crush. Thankfully, they both let go just when I’m about to say quit bear-hugging. We’re all smiling now, but I have to suck in a deep breath because I could barely breathe with their arms around me.

  “Don’t the three of you look happy,” Jim says as he and Pete reach us.

  Before anyone can say anything else, January and Pete have their arms wrapped around each other. But don’t you know January keeps looking at Emma while they suck face. She gets away with it because Pete closes his eyes when he makes out.

  As Jim places his hands on Emma’s hips, she turns from glancing at January and looks him in the eyes. “Je t’aime,” she says. I wonder if that’s a lie at this point.

  “Et moi aussi,” he says. Jim takes Spanish, but he’s picking up quite a bit of French from Emma. Emma, who’s becoming the new teacher’s pet in French class, much to the dismay of Melinda, who was apparently teacher’s favorite before we rolled into town.

  I’m feeling really awkward here, watching the two couples suck face. In fact, I’m about to get back in the car when I see Shar coming from the far side of the parking lot. I guess she must have come out of the building near the gym. I hurry over and meet her halfway.

  “Hey you,” Shar says.

  I give her a hug. “Thought I’d surprise you.”

  “I am surprised. Pleasantly surprised.” She swipes her long hair behind her ears and gives me a huge smile.

  I keep my arms wrapped around her hips after the hug. “How was your thing? Did you make the team?”

  “They’ll let me know tomorrow. But they only had me do the breaststroke, which I finished in 42 seconds.”

  “Nice!”

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure they were impressed. A few girls even clapped.”