The Paella That Saved the World (The Paella Trilogy Book 1)

by Elle Simpson

  “My orders were to assist in your escape, in the event that you needed assistance to escape.”

  “Oh god, Schwarzy. Then do I ever. Do I freaking—”

  The door came flying open. And Dr Mensah came flying in, an unplugged lamp stand in her hands, already swinging.

  “Dr Mensah, no!”

  Too late. She bashed the back of Schwarzy’s head in. Straight up walloped him.

  Schwarzy didn’t even get the chance to break his fall – he just tipped forward like a lamppost blowing over in a gale and landed with a heavy thud on the carpet.

  “Oh god!” I dropped to my knees beside him. “Oh my god, Schwarzy, are you okay?”

  “I appear to remain functional,” Schwarzy said, voice muffled, still face down on the floor.

  “Are you sure? Because you don’t look all that functional right now.”

  “Oh my goodness,” Dr Mensah said. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’d finished searching the service area. I was coming to find you, Hannah, when I saw the Akanarin getting out of the elevator and then you being dragged into the room. I didn’t even think to—”

  “It’s totally okay,” I interrupted. “You weren’t to know. Plus, I mean, Schwarzy really does need to work on his interpersonal relations.” I shook Schwarzy by the shoulder. “C’mon, big guy, answer the question. We sure you’re still functional?”

  Schwarzy shimmered, his hologram glittering a second before it settled. “My projection matrix remains intact and appears to be undamaged,” he said into the carpet. “Though I believe I may have set my phase pressure sensors a degree too high.”

  “You don’t say,” I muttered.

  “Is that…?” Dr Mensah was still staring down at us, but the look of pure shock had evolved into shocked disbelief. “Hannah, is this man a hologram?”

  “A replicant holomatrix, actually,” I told her. “But don’t ask the difference, because I have no clue. C’mon, Schwarzy.” I pushed at his bicep until he rolled over like a half-defrosted sausage, then I grabbed him by the forearm and dragged him to his feet.

  Schwarzy swayed a second, shimmered a little more, then nodded decisively. “I’m ready to be of assistance.”

  “What can you do?” I asked. “Independently of Col, I mean?”

  “Beyond the parameters of my original programming, I can follow simple instruction.”

  “How simple is simple?”

  “The simpler the better,” Schwarzy said. “The stricter the better.”

  “Okay.” Tricky, but doable. Like getting three wishes out of a genie and no deadly curses in the bargain. “I need you to get the beacon back. The one Colin made. Can you do that?”

  “I can try.”

  “And I need you to do it without letting the Akanarin know who you are, or what you are, or even why you’re here. But if worst comes to worst, I just need that beacon back.”

  Schwarzy tipped his chin up and stared at the ceiling for a moment. “The beacon is currently two floors above us, in a guest room, guarded by a single Akanarin. I will attempt to retrieve it. Wait here,” he added, already making for the door.

  But I caught his arm before he got there. “Schwarzy?”

  “Yes, Miss Stanton?”

  “Just be careful, okay? And come back safe.”

  “I’m a replicant holomatrix,” Schwarzy said. “I cannot be harmed, only shut down.”

  “Then don’t get shut down, all right?”

  “All right.” Schwarzy smiled one of his weird smiles, but this one was a little gentler – sandstone instead of granite. “Thank you for your concern, Miss Stanton.” And then he was off, swinging open the—

  “Oh my god!”

  I lunged and grabbed the door before it slammed shut with what would’ve been a very much, totally noticeable bang.

  “Would someone please fix his fricking phase pressure sensors, oh my god.”

  29

  We locked ourselves in the bathroom to wait. Dr Mensah took the loo lid. I sat cross-legged in the bath, like a semiaquatic, stress-demented yogi. Wasn’t exactly meditative.

  “How long now?” I asked, for what had to be the hundredth time.

  Dr Mensah looked down at her watch again. “That’s ten minutes.”

  “He’s taking too long,” I said. “He’s taking too long, isn’t he?”

  That got me a worried nod.

  “Right, you know what?” I clambered out of the bath. “I’ll just go and check on him.”

  “We will both go,” Dr Mensah told me firmly.

  We snuck up the stairwell, two flights free and clear. And our luck held. The service corridor up there was just as empty as the rest of the hotel seemed to be – barring the bumtonne of freakjobs in the lobby, of course.

  “You wait here, okay?” I said, reaching for the fire door. “I’ll see what’s going on really quick and come right back.”

  But Dr Mensah caught my hand and tugged me to a stop. “Hannah, no. I’ll go.”

  “Like, full offence, Dr M?” I shook her off and gestured to the glittery gold awesomeness of her dress, then to the significantly less glittery awesomeness of my tacky hoodie. “The Big Dish might be bedazzled, but I still think they’re less likely to notice me than you.” Then I cracked open the door and slid through before she could stop me.

  Another alcove, another hallway, both empty, but there were faint voices coming from a room a little way along. One of those voices was freaky and evil and all up in my head without the permission of my ears, and one of them was monotonically familiar.

  Guessing I’d found the right room then.

  I snuck closer. Light spilled from the open door out into the hallway. I tucked myself tight to the wall outside and peeked around the doorjamb.

  Schwarzy was standing in the little entryway there, where a full-length mirror hung on the wall. By his feet was the yellow wheelie bucket. In his hands was the diamond egg necklace. And in front of him, back to me, was an Akanarin.

  I blinked. My eyes couldn’t quite decide if they were seeing what my brain thought they were seeing, because what my brain thought they were seeing was this: a glittering tiara plonked on the very tip-top of a huge greeny-grey head, strings of pearls hanging around a spindly, stretched-out neck, and more diamond rings squeezed onto six four-knuckled fingers than should even have been physically possible.

  “What in the actual fu…” I mouthed to myself and to the universe at large, because I felt like at least one of us should’ve had an answer, and that one of us definitely wasn’t me.

  The Akanarin adjusted the tiara. “Do I look appealing to the human eye, adorned so?”

  “You look very appealing,” Schwarzy replied, as sincere as sincerely monotone got.

  “Thank you.” The Akanarin crouched down for a better look in the mirror. “I think so too.”

  Oh god, now or never. I leaned forward, only a little – but enough. Schwarzy saw me. “The beacon?” I mouthed. “You found it?”

  Schwarzy nodded. Then quick enough that his hologram seemed to struggle to keep up, he snatched the beacon from the bucket and threw it over the Akanarin’s bent back.

  But those phase pressure sensors must’ve still been set too high – and about a metre too far to the left – because he lobbed the beacon out the door in a huge arcing throw that was heading nowhere near me.

  I launched myself into midair. Caught the beacon with one outstretched hand. Landed. But too hard. My ankle turned out from under me and I thumped to the carpet with a yelp.

  Oh my god.

  A glimpse of tiara turning towards me, but I was already rolling away – to the side, to the wall, pressing myself as flat as I could. But god, what good would that do? If the Akanarin came looking, then I was—

  “Halt!”

  Schwarzy! He came sprinting out the door, skidded to a stop when he saw me, then went tearing off down the corridor in the opposite direction.

  It was one hell of a diversion. The Akanarin didn’t even glance my way. J
ust went charging off after Schwarzy, mind-yelling all the while, “Stop him! Someone stop him!”

  I scrambled upwards and feetwards and limped back towards the fire door. Tucked myself tight into the alcove, and peeked out just in time to see another Akanarin come careening around the corner, heft a barcode scanner gun in one big spindly hand and open fire.

  A beam of light hit Schwarzy square in the chest. In less than a blink, he fizzled into glittery nothing.

  “Oh god, Schwarzy,” I whispered. “Oh no.”

  His sunglasses clattered to the floor. The evil minion with the barcode scanner bent to pick them up.

  “What is the matter?” the bedazzled minion asked. “What are those?”

  I didn’t hear the reply. They’d stopped projecting suddenly, and I knew exactly why.

  “Dr M?” I whispered. I shuffled around and tapped lightly. “You still there?”

  The fire door came open enough for me to scoot through. “Oh Hannah, I heard such a commotion,” Dr Mensah said in a freaked-out rush. “Oh my goodness, are you all right?

  “I’m fine, and I’ve got the beacon. But the Akanarin are onto us, Dr M. We need to get out of here. Now.”

  We made it back to the first floor room and locked the door behind us. I was still limping a little, but I was making it work.

  “Are you quite sure you’re all right?” Dr Mensah asked.

  “I’ve had worse,” I told her. “Mostly at the hands of the monster who plays fullback for Elmslow High. I think she might actually be a cyborg.”

  Dr Mensah blinked at me in a way I very much recognised from all my dealings with epically weird aliens. So, “She’s not actually a cyborg.”

  “Then we can be thankful for small blessings, at least.” Dr Mensah glanced down at the beacon in my hand. “For all our blessings, I suppose… I’m to understand, Hannah, that we simply wear this device about our person and somehow it will transport us to a place of safety?”

  I couldn’t blame her for sounding doubtful. “I know it seems completely out there, but Col knows what he’s talking about. I promise. Here.” I twisted the snapped wire together and handed the beacon to Dr Mensah. “Put it on.”

  But Dr Mensah didn’t. She held the wire in her hands instead, stretching it out between them. “This isn’t long enough for us both to wear at the same time.”

  “It’s okay. It’ll still work, just as long as I’m holding it too.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “But—”

  “Dr M, please. We don’t have much time until they come looking for us. That’s if they aren’t already.”

  “Yes, of course. Oh, of course. You’re quite right.” Dr Mensah slid the wire around her neck and held the beacon out to me. “I assume you know how to activate this?”

  “In theory,” I said. “Which, like, fingers crossed is about to also be in practice.” I squeezed my hand around Dr Mensah’s, held it tight to the beacon, made sure at least one of my fingertips was just barely touching the crystal. “Colin, I need your help – now!”

  And then I snatched my hand away.

  Col, he’d said, one person, one trip and I wasn’t taking the risk. Dr Mensah was the one person, and this was her one trip.

  “Hannah, what—” Dr Mensah began, but her words cut off as the shimmer of a transport beam flared and then faded in front of my eyes.

  There. Dr Mensah was safe. That was all I could do for now. I just had to hope it was enough.

  I reached for the door. Time to make my dramatic, hella improbable ingenious escape.

  The universe so totally owed me that.

  30

  First things first, I had to get out of the hotel.

  Outside, there might be people who hadn’t seen Creepy Bob’s broadcast, who weren’t compelled yet. Or just people who hadn’t been affected properly. Teenagers like me with raging buckets of hormones and fluxy brain chemistry. Maybe we could all band together and form some sort of epic teen resistance force, like something straight out of the totally depressing YA novel that was apparently my life now.

  I stood at the top of the stairwell, frozen with my complete lack of decision making ability. Up or down? Lobby or roof?

  Eurgh. But my thinking? The Akanarin had been guarding the front door back when they didn’t have anything to be suspicious about. Now that they knew something was up, surely security was gonna be highkey hardcore.

  Therefore? Up it was.

  Maybe I could find a window somewhere that opened, climb out, become one with a creepy alleyway. New York was all about creepy alleyways, wasn’t it? Alleyways and weird stairs that dropped down out of other stairs like rusty attic ladders.

  So that was the plan: an open window, weird attic stairs, creepy alleyway. Possibly also teen resistance force, just so long as the universe felt cooperative. And if it did, then I definitely wouldn’t say no to the requisite stoically handsome love interest.

  I skedaddled upstairs, feeling a little better suddenly. A little more optimistic. I’d found my glimmer of hope and I was basking in it like a Vitamin D deprived cat. I had a plan now. Good things were bound to happen when you just put your trust in the universe.

  So, full of growing hope and surging optimism, I pushed open the stairwell door – to be met by a freaking huge Akanarin.

  “Uh…”

  The big black lizard eyes that gave me the ’ole up-and-down were totally clear. This was no compelled underling. This was a straight-up, full-on evil minion.

  I moved to step past him. Thought maybe, just maybe, I could bluff my way past on the wings of a fake mind-whammy, but—

  “Stop.” The familiar pressure of compulsion pulsed into life in my head, but it was just a nudge. I didn’t even need Deeke’s help. I could push it away on my own. “Why are you here?” the Akanarin asked.

  “I was told to come here,” I replied, trying hard to keep my voice flat and blank, and not ‘Toni when he sees a spider’ hysterical.

  “By who?”

  “One of you.”

  “Who?”

  “One of you.”

  A sigh sounded in my head. “You will follow me.”

  And then what could I do? I had to follow him.

  I figured, if I kept up the act long enough, if the universe finally felt like making it up to me, then maybe we’d pass a conveniently open window and I could hustle.

  But because the universe hated me and wanted me to cry, no windows. Straight into a fancy lift instead, one that powered us up and up to what must’ve been the most expensive suite in the place.

  Evil Minion Number Whatever hauled me into the suite’s main sitting room, then left without a word, only stopping long enough to lock every door behind himself.

  I took a nervy step forward. The wall in front of me was glass, the biggest of big money views: Central Park and the skyscrapers of Manhattan beyond. There were still so many lights on, even though it had to be late, nearer morning than not.

  I took another step and—

  My heart slammed. Creepy Bob. Standing there, looking out, her fivehead pressed to the glass in a weird echo of that moment back on the ship.

  “The city that never sleeps,” she said. “Quite the view, hmm?” But Creepy Bob wasn’t looking at the view. In the reflection in the crystal clear glass, she was watching me watch her.

  And what she saw? One Hannah Stanton, two seconds from snapping, and so, so obviously not even slightly under compulsion.

  “Hello again, Hannah,” Creepy Bob said, her amusement clear. “Are you quite finished with your little charade?”

  Oh god. Nothing for it – except, maybe, to fake it until I made it. So I took a breath, then I just straight-up dropped the act and glared. “Hey, Bob. Enjoying your gala?”

  No answer. She flamingo-stalked over to me instead, did her freakily-knuckled finger under the chin routine, and tipped my head back at such a sharp angle that my neck complained in a crunchy, clicky, totally ou
ch kinda way.

  I didn’t let her know that, though. I just kept on glaring.

  (I’m told on good authority that I’ve inherited Mum’s glare, and Mum’s glare is a legit weapon of mass destruction. You bet your bum I kept on glaring.)

  “You’ve had help,” Creepy Bob said thoughtfully. “Who was it? Some meddling busybody from the Council?”

  “None of your creepy beeswax,” I snapped.

  That got a creepy, humourless laugh. “I ask, you see, because not so very long ago my ship opened fire on a vessel from the Department of Uncontacted Peoples. A scientific observation vessel, in fact, which I wonder…” Creepy Bob let her hand drop. I did not let my glare drop. “Did you know, such vessels are equipped with no weaponry. None at all. They are entirely defenceless.”

  “You’re lying,” I said.

  “It took quite some time for your friend’s ship to burn up upon re-entry to Earth’s atmosphere. Death would have been far from instantaneous.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Far from instantaneous and immensely painful.”

  “You’re lying about shooting down the ship,” I ground out. “You didn’t even know it was there. You’re just guessing. And you’re lying.”

  “Am I?” Creepy Bob said.

  “Like, yeah! Of course you are. You don’t do anything but lie, you creepy bumwipe.”

  (You know that saying, throw caution to the wind? I’d pretty much reached the point where I was throwing it straight into the eye of a hurricane.)

  “You have resisted my compulsion multiple times now. How?”

  “Turns out I have fluxy brain chemistry,” I snapped. “Who’d’a thunk it, huh?”

  “Temperamental enough to resist a time or two, but not in perpetuity. How did you do it?”

  I turned the glare up to full blast and opened fire. “Let me say it again for the peeps in the back. None. Of. Your. Creepy. Beeswax.”

  Creepy Bob’s expression went totally blank then, no head tilt or anything. “Restrain her.”

  A figure detached from the shadows by the curtains, moving quicker that my eyes could track. But I caught one flash of silver in the blur.