I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  "Yes. Thank you so much, Kayla. You are just so, so awesome or something. Sorry, that sounded stupid."

  "Nah, it's good. I love hearing how awesome I am," she says laughing.

  The meds are already hitting me. Jeez. How long have I been awake? Like an hour, and I already feel like sleeping? That's a first. Maybe I should stop taking these pills.

  "Before you sleep, I HAVE TO KNOW... which tall guy is your husband? I saw the tall dark and yummy who visits you in the evenings, and I know the tall dark and yummy who used to stay overnight. Which one is your husband? I'm dying to know. And ah, way to go, by the way- Two dark and yummies? Sweet."

  What? I feel a little trampy when she says it like that. No! Don't go there. Kayla is teasing and having fun. Don't get all sensitive and judgy.

  "Um, the tall one in suits is Marcus my husband, I guess. And the other one with the bright crazy colorful shirts is Z. He's my, ah, friend." Blush. Shit.

  "Well, the husband looks yummy, and the, ah, friend looks delicious."

  "Kayla! It's not like that. I swear. It's just so complicated and weird and uneasy and unsettled and..."

  "No worries. I'm not judging you, I'm just jealous, I swear. Relax. It's time for you to rest now anyway. I'm sure the happy pills have kicked in- And lord knows with those 2 men around, you're guaranteed sweet dreams..." Again, she smiles, but now she winks as well.

  "Thank you. I am tired again. I just want to sleep for a little while, okay?"

  "Yup. I'm here all day, so I'll come back in a hour or two to check on you."

  "Promise?!" God, that sounded so pathetic and needy.

  "Yeah, I promise. But there's one more thing..." And here it is! I've been waiting for it.

  "What?" Big inhale. Hold breath. Wait.

  "There has been a Kayla from Chicago who calls each and every day since you were admitted. She has irritated every single nurse in this department, and I think a few nurses from other departments as well. I even told her to fuck off once, which could have cost me my job, but thankfully, she just laughed at me and thanked me for the information. If this is the same Kayla, and I'm sure it is... You really do have a good friend there. She misses you terribly, anyone can tell. And she is worried sick about you." Wow. Big exhale.

  "Oh... um, thanks..."

  "I just wanted you to know, in case you were unsure of her intentions, or you didn't know if you still had a friendship left. I suggest you take her up on her offer and punch her in the face, then hug her for a long time, and then get absolutely hammered together and trash talk everyone and everything you can think of. That should clear everything up nicely."

  "Seriously?"

  "Absolutely. And that's not just my medical opinion talking."

  "God, you’re just like her. I swear, I love having you here. Thank you so much." Shit. More tears.

  "Just relax, okay? I don't think anyone could handle 2 Kaylas at once, but I'll gladly substitute for your Chicago Kayla while you're here. Sound good?"

  "Yes, thank you. Does that make you my New York Kayla?”

  "You betcha. Sleep now, okay? I'll be back soon."

  Walking out my door, Kayla looks back, winks at me, and then she's gone. She really is Just. Like. Kayla. How is that even possible? Maybe I'm hallucinating or something. I mean, they don't really look that much alike, other than they are both really tall, but that's about it. If I was hallucinating, wouldn't my two Kaylas look the same?

  Why am I even thinking about this? Christ, I'm weird. Go to sleep, now. Close your eyes. Ah, there it is... the pull. I'm already almost there.

  "Let go, love."

  Oh! Z. God, I miss your voice, but I'm letting go...

  CHAPTER 26

  Waking however long later, I see Mack in the corner working on some paperwork. He doesn't see me watching him. He really is quite handsome. He is tall like Z, but much thinner. Actually, he looks too thin.

  Maybe he doesn't eat enough working at the hospital. God knows, hospital food is gross. Actually, he does seem to work a lot. Maybe he doesn't have enough time to eat regularly. I should make sure he eats. Ooops. He caught me looking.

  "Hi. How are you feeling?"

  "Good. You?"

  "I'm well. I read that you had more vomiting earlier and more pain as well. Are you comfortable right now?"

  "I think so, though I haven't moved my head yet. It's usually only my head that hurts. Oh, and my hand, and sometimes my heart..." Shut up! Jesus!

  "Your heart?" Nope. I'm not talking about Z.

  "Where's Kayla?"

  "The nurse, Kayla?"

  "Yes. She said she would be back to check on me."

  "She was here. She filled out the notes on you. It seems you two had a nice conversation. She didn't leave details, but she did state that you were very lucid, with ‘a charming personality’. She wrote that she enjoyed her time talking with you, and that you seemed to enjoy your time with her as well." She did? She liked me?! That's awesome!

  "Oh, good. She was really nice to me. I liked her a lot. She is just like my other friend Kayla in Chicago."

  "Your other friend? Z mentioned what happened with your other friend Kayla. Have you chosen to resume the friendship, then?"

  "I think so. ‘New York Kayla’ thinks I should punch ‘Chicago Kayla’ in the face, give her a big hug, and then get hammered and trash talk everyone and everything. She's amazing."

  "Is she? Well, I don't know that a nurse should be prompting patients to physical violence, or even rendering a medical opinion, or otherwise, but I'm glad you were comfortable with her enough to talk to her about some of your issues." Gulp. That sounded bad.

  As if on cue, Kayla walks in. Shit! I didn’t mean to get her into trouble. What do I do? Christ! I'm panicking again.

  "Mack! Kayla was just joking, I know she was. So was I. Of course, she wasn't telling me to do anything wrong. I'm sorry if it sounded that way. Kayla! I'm sorry. Mack is mad at you, and it's all my fault. I didn't mean to get you in trouble."

  "Relax..."

  "No! Mack is going to PUNISH you and it's my fault! I’m really, really sorry! I was just telling him how nice you were, how you are like my other friend Kayla, and I told him what you said to do, but I WAS JOKING! Mack doesn't understand."

  "Stop! It’s fine."

  "No! Please. Oh, God! I'm sorry, Kayla. I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to keep you."

  I can feel the tears pouring down my face again. I can feel my head throbbing. I can feel the upset in the room. I feel everything, and I just want to go back a few minutes, and never say anything to Mack. I fucking hate Mack right now.

  "Listen to me. Look at me."

  "No! Fuck you, Mack! I fucking hate you for taking Kayla away!"

  "Listen. To. Me! I am not mad at Kayla, and I most certainly am NOT going to punish her. I was merely going to suggest that she keep your conversations slightly more professional, or at the very least, have your unconventional conversations while I'm in the room, so that I may spot, or witness any potential triggers for you. That's all. And, I wouldn't begrudge either of you a friendship." Oh. But...

  "But you said you didn't want her 'prompting me to physical violence, or rendering a medical opinion, or otherwise'. You sounded very angry. You sounded like you would hurt her."

  "I would never hurt anyone- especially a woman. And I certainly wouldn't prevent a friendship from forming. I just want to be apprised of your conversations, so that I can monitor you. You are my patient, and as such, I need to be aware of anything that upsets you, or even something that pleases you. I'm trying to help you, but I can't do that if I don't know what you’re thinking or feeling from one moment to the next. That's all. I have no ulterior motives, I promise you. You are safe. And your 'New York Kayla' is safe."

  In the stillness of the room, I finally exhale. Kayla hasn't moved from the doorway. Mack hasn't moved from the end of my bed. They both just seem to be waiting for something... waiting for me to do or say something, I think.
What should I do?

  "Um... I'm sorry I told you to fuck off Mack. I didn't mean it. You're always so nice to me. I was just really scared."

  "I understand. And please don’t worry; most patients want to tell us doctors to fuck off from time to time." What?

  "And I'm sorry I almost got you in trouble Kayla. I just wanted Mack to know how nice you were to me."

  "No problem. And it's true, most patients and nurses want to tell the doctors to fuck off most of the time." WHAT?!

  Oh. My. God! I have never wanted to laugh so badly in my life. Holding it in as best I can, I look over at Mack and his smirk does me in. He wants to laugh too. I can tell.

  I can't stop it. My laughter bursts forth. I am howling with laughter. Even though my head feels like it’s going to explode, I can't stop it. Actually, I just kind of snorted too. Disgusting and funnier. Kayla looks at me with such a comical look of disgust on her face at my snort, I laugh even harder, as she joins me.

  "Real lady-like there. And to think you snort like that, AND have two hot guys wanting you... Jesus! What the hell am I doing wrong?!" Too. Funny.

  "Please stop! Seriously, Kayla. My head is going to explode. Please?"

  "Okay. But honestly. You have got to tell me your secret with men when Dr. MacDonald leaves the room. Promise me."

  "My secret? Yeah, right. If you were a scarred up, sexually repressed whore, who repeatedly got fucked in the ass as a kid by many men, and her own doctor, even as her daddy took the pictures... then I could help you. As it stands now, you have GOT to be WAY better off than I am..." More laughter. This is too funny.

  As laughter tears fall down my cheeks I look to see if Mack is still laughing and I am stunned into silence. My laughter just stops dead. Everything in the room stops dead. What the hell is happening? Gasp.

  "What? What's wrong?!" Gulp. Shit. What did I do now? Looking at Kayla, she is frozen- just frozen in the doorway.

  "Do you know what you just said? Do you remember what you said?" Mack asks me all serious and kind of angry looking.

  "Um, about Kayla?"

  "No. Just now. About the men?"

  "When? I don't know. What did I do wrong?"

  "Do you know what you just said? Can you remember your words? Think."

  Um... "I snorted and Kayla looked at me like I was gross, but in a funny way... I don't know. Why?"

  "What did she say to you after that?" When?! I have no idea!

  "Kayla... What does he want? What should I say? Please..." I whisper desperately.

  "Do you remember me asking you to tell me your secret with men? Do you remember I wanted to know how you managed to get two hot guys?"

  "Yes. But, what's wrong? I thought you were joking. WHAT'S WRONG? Just tell me. Please, Kayla."

  "Um..." But Kayla just looks at Mack. And Mack looks like he is thinking of what to say.

  "Listen to me. Do you want Kayla here right now? She can stay if you want, or she can leave. It's your choice."

  "Why would she leave? What did I do wrong? Just tell me."

  "I'll stay. May I sit beside you?" Kayla says walking toward me.

  "Yes, of course. Kayla, what do you want me to say? Just tell me. Please?"

  At that moment Kayla looks over at Mack, and he nods. He actually nods at her, like I'm not even here. God, I hate that! Everyone does that to me.

  "I AM here you know! Just fucking tell me, Kayla. I don't care which one of you talks, but somebody FUCKING SPEAK! I get so sick of everyone talking about me behind my back. Whispering and talking... 'Oh, look at her... How did SHE get the hot husband? She's the Beaumont heir? That's her?’ What. Is. It?!"

  "Um, you mentioned that you were repeatedly..."

  "Say exact words Kayla. She needs the exact words she used..."

  "Oh, yes, Kayla. Please say my exact words to me. Heaven fucking forbid you don't get it right?! WHAT IS IT?!" I practically scream in her face. Christ! I'm so sick of their shit!

  "You said, um, you repeatedly got fucked in the ass as a kid by many men, and by your own doctor, even as your daddy took the pictures..."

  Whoosh. Again. Holy SHIT! Where the hell is my air?

  "No! Breathe. I want you to listen to me. Look at me, RIGHT NOW. I want you to breathe with me. Slow and deep. You are not doing this again to yourself... Do you hear me?!" Um....

  "I'm t-trying... It's..." gasp "... hard."

  "I know, but I want you to look at me, and breathe with me. Do what Z taught you. Slow, even breaths. There you go. Stay with us. Look, both Kayla and I want you to breathe slowly... right Kayla?"

  "Yes... Of course. You can do it. Breathe with Dr. MacDonald."

  "Mack. He's M-Mack."

  "Yes, that's right. Breathe slowly with Mack. You're doing really well. You're barely shaking now and your breaths are evening out. How do you feel?"

  "Better. Th-thank you. I'm sorry for this. I, I'm not sure why this happens to me..."

  "Don't worry about it. I have panic attacks from time to time myself, especially when I'm shopping at Macy's during their yearly shoe sale." What?!

  "I did too! A few w-weeks ago!"

  "Well, anyone would. I mean come on, Manolos, Jimmys, and Wangs... Who wouldn't panic during a 60% off sale...?" She says with a huge smile. Oh. My. God. She is so amazing.

  Breathing, I'm doing better. I can feel my lungs working. My hands aren't really shaking anymore, and my heart is beating slower. This is good. I'm almost back, I think. I just can't believe what I said. It's too much.

  "No. Come on. Breathe slower. No thinking at the moment. I just want you to breathe slowly with Kayla. I don't even know what a ‘Wang’ is, but it seems pretty important..."

  "Vera Wang, Manolo Blahnik, and Jimmy Choo... Come on Dr. um, Mack... these are very important shoe Creators." I swear she added 'duh' to the end of that sentence.

  "Oh, of course- forgive my ignorance. I must have missed that while in school forever, becoming a doctor... Can't you girls give a guy a break?" They're teasing each other? Oh, fun.

  "You two would make a very cute couple. Mack you have that serious doctory, good looking, but dorky fun thing going for you. And Kayla you have that total smartass, awesome in bed, sexy thing going for you..." Ha! They both blushed!! I can't believe it, I just made someone else blush!

  "Sorry..."

  "That's okay. I've been trying to get his attention for over a year now. Maybe you just got his attention for me with that whole 'sexy AND good in bed' comment." What?!

  Wow. Mack is positively 'red'. Now, I feel a little bad. I hope he's not mad at me.

  "I'm not mad at you, if that's what you're wondering. I enjoyed your description of me way too much. 'Serious, good looking, and dorky fun'. I can't think of a better way to be described. Thank you for that."

  "You’re welcome and it's true. I mean it, you seem like you are just so good, Mack, and I love having you in my life, for however long I get to have you."

  "Listen to me closely. You will always have me in your life, if you want me. Both as your doctor, and afterward as your friend. You and I are going to be friends for a long time, I think." Oh!

  "That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, Mack. I hope that's true. I would love to have a friend like you. I've never really had any, and you just seem like the perfect kind of friend. You don’t hurt me, like, ever."

  Dammit. More tears. I really wish I could stop this crying all the time. It's beyond embarrassing. Kayla leans in and actually wipes away my tears with a tissue. Oh. I remember that.

  "The other Kayla did that for me once. It's okay, I'm fine. For some reason I cry a lot now but I never did before. Actually, I couldn't cry. I tried a few times. I thought of horrible things, really bad things, but I couldn't cry, I just had no tears. It was like I didn’t even feel sad or something... I only cried once when I chopped an onion, but that was like a physical reaction or something, I looked it up... Anyway, now I seem to cry all the time. Do you know why Mack?"

&nb
sp; Looking at him, Mack just seems so kind, and thoughtful, and like he knows everything. I bet I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t get mad at me. That would be a really nice feeling to have- to not be afraid to talk to someone.

  "Actually, I do. You have all these memories of very bad things in your brain. Things that you have repressed for so long as a survival tool, I believe. Once you suffered the bleed in your brain, your brain itself was no longer able to hold onto these repressed memories... And as you started remembering these things, you were no longer able to repress all your feelings as well. Basically, in layman's terms, you held onto all emotion to cope with your childhood trauma, and once you became sick a few weeks ago, you couldn't hold onto those emotions anymore, because you couldn't repress the actual memory of the events any longer. Now, you don't really know how to control your emotions at all. That's why you cry often, or you become enraged and lash out, or why you feel such suffocating despair, from one moment to the next. If I tell you your reactions were sadly, completely normal under the circumstances, it's not to minimize the effect they have on you. They affect you horribly, which is very real, but it is actually normal for someone with as much trauma in their life, to experience these emotions, as you have so far. Did that make sense?" Um...

  "May I, Mack?" Kayla asks him.

  "Sure." Mack looks a little taken aback, but Kayla just ignores him and turns to me.

  "Look. You had a totally fucked up childhood from what I'm gathering, and for whatever reason you wouldn't, or maybe couldn't deal with it all, so you just didn't deal- Period. Now that you're older, and you’re remembering everything that happened, you're finally reacting to it all. So, it's perfectly okay to cry, or scream, or freak out, or even have panic attacks. There’s nothing wrong with anything you feel, no matter how embarrassing or uncomfortable it makes you feel at the time. Now, do you understand?” Yes, I nod.

  For a minute I think Kayla is going to gloat, but thankfully, she just asks Mack if she did okay. When he nods, both Kayla and I seem to exhale. Suddenly, I am very tired again. I can barely keep my eyes open. Why am I always so exhausted?