I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  Afterward, Marcus admitted that those 6 years with me were the absolute worst years of his life sexually, yet amazingly, the best years of his life because he loved me and our marriage so much. Marcus is trying to recover himself, from the kind of forced role in my life that he felt trapped in, and disgusted by.

  Oh, and apparently Marcus was never a 'five minute man' with all the other lovers he had throughout our marriage and even before our marriage. He was only a five-minute man with me, because I demanded he be quick and brutal. So. Fucked. Up. Honestly.

  I'm looking forward to seeing Chicago Kayla, and I'm looking forward to reacquainting myself with a Chicago that doesn't hurt me anymore or cause me pain. I know its messed up to blame an entire city for my hurt, but somehow Chicago itself has become a place of hurt for me. Now, I’m going to learn Chicago as just the city I live in, not as a place of pain.

  When I first arrive, I'm to take ‘baby steps’. I’m to settle into my home again. I have to learn to relax. I have to try to find reason in my new life. Maybe eventually I’ll find another job. But for now, I am to enjoy this time of calm. Maybe I can update my Kindle with new books- dirty and otherwise. Essentially, I am going to try to learn how to just breathe, day by day in my marriage, and in Chicago.

  That's the plan, and Marcus is totally on board with it. Oh, we’ve also learned Marcus was only hard on me about working because when I wasn't distracted by work, I became more of a Sexual Psycho to him. He actually needed me to be caught up in work and distracted by it, so that I didn't have my brutal sexual 'episodes' with him.

  And so I have a lot to learn when I return to Chicago tonight. I have a whole new Marcus, and a whole new marriage to learn. I even have a home to learn to love; redecorating at will, based on my needs.

  Marcus also explained our living arrangement, and my infamous sunroom furniture. Marcus knew I had issues with red. Marcus explained to Mack and I, that I was always aggressive and manic where 'red' was involved. Therefore when he saw my sunroom furniture, bright red love seat and bright red chair, he was freaked right out.

  It makes sense now, but I never really understood his aversion to my favorite room until he explained it to Mack and I. Once it was explained, a kind of reality smacked me in the face, and I realized he was right. Every single time Marcus put his foot down about something in our home, or demanded that I change to fit his tastes, it was because I was wanting something red.

  I even remembered a full-out fit I had once in a bed and bath store with him because I tried to buy an entire sheet and duvet set, with matching pillows and curtains as well, in blood red. I remembered shaking in the store so violently when I held the duvet in my arms, that Marcus had to pry it from my hands, and take me to his car. Sadly, I also remembered sexually attacking him in the car, demanding that he fuck me hard right then and there.

  And so I learned red was a MAJOR trigger. It seemed red was an issue after the Macys Incident, but now it makes more sense. Mack and I spent 4 whole days on red. From red clothing and red furniture, to red everything. Slowly with Mack, memories came back to me. Slowly, I understood RED.

  Red is everything I knew as painful. My mother began dressing me in red at all her parties when I turned eleven. Yet, my mother also made all her 'red is for sluts' or 'only whores were red' comments at the same time. I was always in red when I was abused at the Country Club and at my parent’s home.

  Apparently, by my mother’s loving request, my room at Dr. Simmons hospital was also decorated in red, because she told the staff, I liked red, and that red soothed me. God, she is such a nasty, evil BITCH!

  Mack even confirmed my memory of the red when he admitted seeing some of the pictures with the Chicago D.A. In the photos with all the different men, whatever clothing I was in, or had been wearing before the rapes, was red. Red was always everywhere I was hurt; my own blood included.

  Mack was sadly very messed up over this himself. Mack even admitted to me how hard it was for him to see me so abused as a child, so much so, that he needed to speak with his own Shrink about it. When I cried over his upset, Mack merely shrugged and said, 'Suzanne remember… I'm a 2 on the crazy scale. Of course, I have my own Shrink". And that was it. He held me while I cried for him and for the young girl in red.

  So red is a trigger, and subsequently Mack and I have learned that Marcus isn't a control-freak asshole. He was just a freaked-out husband trying to help me the best he could with an obvious insight into me and the color red, but with no information on my past to work with. Sadly, all Marcus had was a pedophile doctor and my fucked up parents telling him to behave a certain way toward me and my sexual insanity.

  And so with all this new information on Marcus, I have decided to give him and our marriage a shot. I know, as does Marcus, that it's going to be hard. We're basically strangers playing a role we should have been living for the last 6 1/2 years. But Marcus really wants to try, and I feel like I owe it to him to try.

  Marcus has made no effort to hide the fact that he has always loved me. He not only reminded me of our first meeting when I was fourteen, but he went on to explain to Mack and I how he watched me grow up, and waited patiently for me to become an adult. Marcus tells us frequently about how 'in love' he is with me, and always has been.

  And Marcus doesn't shy away from emotion or feeling, as I always thought he did. Again, it turns out his lack of emotion or apparent concern for me when we were married, was because I wouldn't allow him to show any emotion. I would cringe and pull away from the slightest warmth or physical displays of his love and affection. Marcus said the only thing he was allowed to do was kiss my forehead without me losing it.

  There was even one tense moment between Mack, Marcus and I when all these discoveries were made. Mack, in a moment of rare, uncontrolled anger, told Marcus to stop blaming me for everything. He asked Marcus why he even bothered staying married to me, even bothered loving me if I was such a mess? Mack actually yelled, "If you knew Suzanne was ‘so fucked up’, and she needed help so badly, why did you just carry on? Why didn't you HELP her?!" I remember both Marcus and I gasped at the sudden anger Mack threw at him.

  Stunned, Marcus stammered that he did try to help. He told Mack that he had contacted Dr. Simmons AND my parents, even meeting with them in private to discuss me, and it was based on their recommendations that he proceeded the way he did. He tried to defend himself by saying he had a doctor and my parents both giving him the same advise, to ignore Suzanne and to entertain her ridiculous sexual demands. Marcus also said that he really didn't know any differently. It was a little weak as defenses go, but it finally made sense to Mack, once he calmed down.

  Mack even apologized to Marcus for his outrage, and explained that he did understand Marcus was another victim in all this as well. Mack always remained professional with Marcus before and after that one incident, but I can tell there are still elements to Marcus’ personality that Mack simply doesn't like. And there are things Marcus did that Mack can't or won't forgive in the name of Marcus' ignorance.

  And so I'm here. I’m going home with Marcus today, with my new life all packed up in the beautiful luggage my two Kaylas purchased as a gift for me. I am going home to try to be Suzanne with Marcus. Any minute now. Any minute...

  ==========

  Marcus and Mack have arrived together. They probably had a little meeting before Marcus came to my room, but I'm not worried. Mack and Marcus seem to have an understanding where I'm concerned. They both want me happy. Mack wants me healthy enough to grow to simply love and trust whomever. And Marcus wants me healthy enough to grow to simply love and trust him.

  Mack and I have gone over everything so many times, I know exactly what schedules I'm to have. I know when I take my medication for my panic-attacks. I know when to eat and I know when to call him; which is anytime- ALL THE TIME. Mack even joked yesterday that he felt a little 'momma bird setting her baby free to fly'.

  Mack and I sat for a long time yesterday, watching my favorite Grey
's Anatomy episode between Meredith and Christina. Mack joked that he would always be ‘my person', no matter what anyone, Marcus included, said to the contrary. And I told him he was going to be my best friend forever.

  I cried a lot yesterday, but today I feel well. I'm ready. I feel sure of my decision, and sure of where I'm going to end up. I rarely throw up now and my panic attacks are few and far between. And the bumps along the way are for me and Mack, and even Marcus, to work through. And I will. I made a decision, and I'm going to see it through.

  "Good morning, Suzanne. Are you ready?" Marcus asks me gently.

  "I'm ready. Can I just have one minute alone with Mack?"

  "Sure, no problem." When Marcus leaves, I'm struck by how kind and loving he really is.

  "Are you sure about this Suzanne?"

  "Yes. Marcus IS a catch, at least my bitch of a mother was right about that. He is good looking, successful, and kind, and he loves me Mack. He has loved me for a long time, and I owe him for that. I owe him a chance to try to really love him back, I think."

  "He does love you Suzanne, but what's not to love?" Mack grins at me.

  "You’re such a dork, Mack, but I adore you anyway," I grin back while grabbing my purse. Mack just stops and waits for me to speak again. "I'm good, Mack. I really am. I want to do this. I need to do this. And I really need your support with this.”

  "You have all my support Suzanne, anything you want or need, I'll give to you. I'm not questioning your decision in the least. I was only questioning the timing. Today. That’s all.”

  "I'm ready today. Today, I'm going to jump in. I want to jump into my life... Today."

  "Okay. Done. Now hug me before Marcus returns and sees your highly unprofessional shrink crying all over your shoulder." He grins again.

  "Okay..." Holding Mack around his waist, I lean into his strength, once again, as I feel like I have for a lifetime now.

  "I love you Mack, with absolutely everything I have..." I whisper.

  "Oh, Suzanne... You really are a doll, you know that? I'll see you on Thursday but call me before then so I don't go more crazy, okay?"

  "Absolutely. You're my Mack, and your also my Speed-dial, so it's all good." I grin up at him.

  "Okay. I'll get Marcus, and I'll help take your luggage to the rental. But no more goodbyes. This is it. I'll walk you to your car, shake Marcus' hand, kiss your cheek quickly, then I'm bolting, just so you know. It's nothing personal, but I need this goodbye to be over quickly."

  "Okay. Thanks Mack. I'll talk to you later, maybe even from the airport.”

  Once loaded into the rental car, Mack does exactly as he said. After shaking Marcus' hand, he walks to me, kisses my cheek, and walks away from me. I saw the tears in his eyes, and I know he saw mine, but neither acknowledge them. It’s done. My day in and day out life with Mack is over. I'm starting my new life; with Marcus as the main player.

  "Are you ready Suzanne?"

  "Absolutely. Thank you, Marcus… for everything."

  "We're going to be good Suzanne, I know it."

  "I know we will- Just remember, 'baby steps'."

  "Got it."

  And pulling away from the hospital, I'm now Mrs. Suzanne Anderson... again. I’m Marcus' wife, but for real this time.

  Sunday, December, 25th

  CHAPTER 37

  Jesus Christ, I'm bored! Marcus and I have nothing to do over Christmas. Everyone is gone. We have no family or friends left, other than this Kayla- though it’s awkward as hell between her and Marcus when she visits. There is no one here and nothing to do.

  Marcus and I are so pleasantly polite; I could stab my own eyeball with a fork, just for a little excitement. We should have gone to New York. At least in New York, Kayla and Mack could have entertained us. Mack and Kayla could have breathed a little life into this… what? Maddeningly pleasant, wonderfully calm, outrageously stable, boring little life of ours.

  Marcus and I barely talk, and we certainly don’t relate to one another. But we do smile frequently at each other all day, and all night- pleasant emotionless little smiles. Marcus and I aren’t so much living; we’re just kind of existing here in Chicago.

  There is just nothing here. This house is so quiet. All the gifts are opened and already put away. I went a little overboard, but what else could I do, but shop? Marcus bought me a beautiful diamond pendant with matching earrings. Everything was just so, so lovely. And quiet. And calm. And BORING!

  I have tried everything I can think of to be a wife, and I know Marcus has tried everything he can think of to be a husband. Besides having sex, which we have not; we moved right back into our roles of silent, pleasant, understanding, BORING husband and wife. I cook, keep house, shop, and read. Marcus goes to work and comes home with more pleasantries from the office. What the hell can we do?

  All day, I either read, shop, or talk on the phone. My two Kaylas keep me from screaming from the boredom. I don’t know what to do anymore. Marcus has tried everything as well. We even took a little trip together at his suggestion, and it was fine- but boring and uneventful.

  Marcus suggested I redecorate the house, and I have. You’d think redecorating an entire house would take more than 3 weeks, but it didn’t. That’s it- 3 weeks! I found, bought, and chose everything. It was delivered a week later, and the movers placed the furniture where I wanted. Voila. Now what?! After redecorating the ENTIRE house in 3 weeks, I had nothing left to do but shop for Christmas.

  Christmas shopping was probably the most fun I’ve had since returning to Marcus and Chicago. My ‘Chicago Kayla’ and I went crazy, pulling a 9 to 9 shopping marathon and then, the shopping was done too. After buying the gifts for all five people on my list; Marcus, Kayla, Kayla, Mack, and the grandfather I don’t know… I was done.

  There was nothing left to do. The decorations were up. The new decor and furniture had already arrived and were placed accordingly. The walls had be painted. The tree was up… and I had one more week to go before Christmas day even arrived.

  And now it's here and done, and I'm Just So Bored! Boredom can actually make a person insane, I think. And if that's true, then I'm on my way back to padded-room land, for sure. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Maybe take classes? Like what? Take up Tai Chi or Yoga? Ah, not interested. A cooking class? Yuck. Knitting? No way!

  I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm getting very antsy. I think even Mack can hear it in my voice, and see it in my movements. Christ, flying to see Mack every Thursday is the highlight of my week, and leaving to fly home every Friday evening to see Marcus, is the dread of my week.

  The problem is; there is NO problem. There is nothing wrong, at all. Everything just feels wrong. It's like I'm trapped again, but this time not trapped in an abusive nightmare like I was before, but rather, trapped in pleasant boredom. And honestly, I feel like a real asshole for feeling like this at all.

  I know people dream about the financial freedom to do nothing. People dream about having a handsome, successful, kind husband. People dream about having things, and a home, and security. I know that! I know I'm an asshole, but I can't help feeling just, like, awful within all this boredom, and pleasant nothingness.

  Maybe I need to give sex with Marcus a try. Maybe it's time. Maybe I should try tonight. Sex as a kind of an extra Christmas present or something? Maybe I’ll tie a bow around my, ah… No.

  Okay. Decision made. Now I just have to follow through. Should I ask him first, or just try it. I'll try. Argh. I can't even imagine talking to Marcus about sex. It's just so weird now.

  ==========

  Okay. Dinner is done. A perfect turkey meal, fit for a perfect Christmas dinner. The kitchen is spotless. Marcus helped with everything. He was jovial and had many compliments to give. He even noticed my new black dress, with the TINY red buttons down the back and on the cuffs. Marcus was perfect, during this perfect Christmas, in our perfect house. Argh!

  In our room, where we sleep every night, side by side, without touch
ing, I enter the ensuite for a little girly time. In my vanilla-jasmine scented bath, I make sure my whole body is shaved, scrubbed, smoothed, and scented. I've even repainted my toenails, the perfect pale pink.

  Dressing for this most special of nights, I don a very pretty floor-length black silk gown, with a low dipped bodice, which beautifully highlights my ample cleavage. This is it. Shit! I think I need a glass of Zin... Ah, WINE, first. (No need to hash up those memories tonight.)

  When I'm significantly buzzed, I decide to jump! Marcus is in the study down the hall, so as soon as I call his name he'll be here in seconds. Get ready. Big breaths. In and out. Nice and easy. Here I go…

  Dammit! Should I call Mack first? Ah, no. Awkward. How the hell do I ask Mack for advise on seducing my husband? Gross. Kinda funny though. I can just hear Mack's 'ummms and ahhhs' while he tries to process what I'm asking. Maybe I can call a Kayla? Ah, no. Chicago Kayla would probably gag with the way she feels about Marcus, and New York Kayla would probably tell Mack anyway, which would just prompt him to call me, and then I'm right back to being awkward with my Mack.

  "Suzanne? Um, what are you doing?"

  FUCK! Scrambling to cover up, I drop my wine glass on the carpet. God Dammit!

  "Um... well, I was… going to try to seduce you tonight. Um, now." What a loser I am, honestly.

  "Oh. Okay. Do you want help cleaning up the wine?"

  "Yes, please."

  "No problem." And leaving, Marcus barely looks at me.