I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  "Does Mack know I'm here yet?"

  "Yeah. I had to tell him. See, my Mack can't go one single night without a piece of all this,” she says motioning to her gorgeous body with a cheeky little grin. “So I had to give him a reason for turning him down tonight."

  "Well, Kayla, I'm glad MY Mack has you in his life. I love you both, and I love you both together. And after all MY Mack has done for me, I want him to be very, very happy, he deserves it…um, even if his happiness is with the likes of you..."

  "That's exactly what Mack says when he's trying to get me into bed..." she pouts.

  Bursting out laughing at This Kayla's pout, I can't decide which Kayla has the better pout. It doesn't matter I guess. I love them both, though I hate when they use their pouts against me- I’m doomed when they bring out their pouts.

  Slowly my laughter turns to tears, and without saying a word, Kayla reaches over and takes my hand. Squeezing tightly, she ignores me, and just drives us back to her apartment.

  Throughout the drive I can't help but think of the years and years of awful I’ve had. My years of horror and sadness just seem to never fully rest. This life of mine has been an absolute agony.

  Monday, February, 13th

  CHAPTER 39

  The following morning, Kayla leaves to have breakfast with Mack. He and I have already spoke on the phone briefly, and we're going to get together later for a person to person chat. Kayla left me the keys to her car, and I'm already antsy to get out of the quiet of the apartment. Strangely, I need noise for the first time in my life.

  By 1:00, I'm ready to go shopping. My hair and makeup are flawless, and my clothing is shopping friendly… no buttons, or ties. I’m wearing a quick overhead blouse, and snap fly slacks, with my comfy heels in place. I can be in and out of a change room in less than 2 minutes in this clothing.

  I'm going to Macy's. It's been almost 9 months since the Macy's Incident and I'm ready to try it again. It's time. Being afraid of a department store ranks fairly high on the ‘1-to-10 crazy scale', so I'm taking on Macy's with my sanity intact... And with Mack on speed dial, just in case.

  Grabbing my purse, I open the door and I'm stunned! Walking right into Z, my legs nearly collapse with the collision. Grabbing my forearms to steady me, I find myself suddenly motionless on a gasp, as I bow my head and close my eyes.

  This is what I remember. This is what I remember Z’s hands felt like on me. This is the grip on my arms I remember. This is the scent I remember. This is the warmth I remember. This is the man I always remember.

  "Oh god... I wish I could touch you. I want to know your warmth one more time. I miss you..." I whisper softly.

  "Suzanne. I'm here. I'm right here. Open your eyes, love. Open for me." Oh god, his voice. It's the same rich, beautiful darkness.

  I can't open my eyes. I've dreamed of this too many times, and I've begged for him forever. I can't open my eyes to reality. He called me ‘love’ and I didn’t freak out or throw-up. He called me a name, and it doesn’t hurt. I can’t open my eyes to the pain.

  "Please Suzanne, open your eyes. I've waited forever to see your eyes on me again. I've been so patient, but I can't wait anymore. Please Suzanne, open your eyes..."

  "Z. If I open my eyes do you promise not to touch me? Do you promise you’ll let me look at you, without fear of you touching me?”

  "Oh! Absolutely. Sorry!" Z sounds positively aghast as he quickly releases my forearms.

  Slowly opening my eyes, I just breathe, and take the sight of Z into my body. Staring, nothing hurts. There is no pain and there is no agony. There is just breath and peace. I feel free of this memory. I AM free.

  Z's clothes are neat and impeccable, but dark. Black. He's wearing my blacks. Looking; I’m motionless though my breath continues.

  Z's face looks sad though, and he’s so still. He looks distant. Maybe he’s frightened? God, Z looks different. He seems to have aged some. He seems so tired.

  Looking at his lips, I remember their softness. Looking at his eyes, I remember their dark beauty and intensity, and I remember his eyes smiling at me. Why aren’t his eyes smiling?

  "Z, just breathe for me," I whisper.

  "Oh, Suzanne..." he moans an exhale straight into my body.

  Z looks so unhappy and I wish he was happy again. I wish his eyes smiled again. I wish his face wasn't so frozen. I wish he was free of me.

  "Z, you look so beautiful to me, but so sad. I wish you were happy. Your happiness kept me alive. Your light kept me from the total darkness. I wish you knew your light again. I am very sorry for the darkness I've caused you."

  "It was never you, Suzanne. You were always lightness for me. You made me want to turn all your darkness into light. I had hoped I could do that for you."

  "You did. You were everything, Z. I had such peace with you, and I held your peace when I would have given up so many times."

  "Suzanne..."

  When my tears start to fall, I see his concern. Leaning in, I wrap my arms around his waist, and hold him as tightly as I can. Resting my cheek against his chest, I want to feel his light again inside me. Inhaling him; I take in his scent, and his warmth, and his light.

  Gently, Z wraps me up in his embrace as well. I know he’s frightened to touch me, I know he’s scared of my reaction, but it was never him. I never feared him. He was everything I could have ever dreamed of. He was the only goodness I’ve ever known, from a man who touched me.

  "Z, it was always you. From the moment I heard your smile-voice, I knew it would always be you, whether I could have you or not. I knew no other man but you, and I've wanted no other man but you.”

  "Suzanne... I'm yours if you'll take me. I was always yours. Everything I've done in the past 9 months has been for you. Everything I’ve felt in the last 9 months was for you. It was always about you, Suzanne.”

  Breathing him in, there is still no pain. This is the closest I have been to Z since I broke, and this is the first time the pain is absent. I’m holding him and breathing him into me. He will always be a part of me. Forever. And now I can finally let him go.

  "I don't feel pain and agony any longer. I'm better and I'm finally free. You’re free. I want this for you. I want you to move on and I want you to live a good life away from me. I'm better, and I am better because of you. You gave me Mack to help me in my darkness, and you gave me your light when I needed it. It was you that took the steps to help me, and it was you who made the choices that helped me get well."

  "Suzanne, please? It doesn't have to be a goodbye. This can be our start. We never really started; we just lived quickly and ended horribly. We can have a start now. I want a start with you. I've earned a start with you, I think. And you've earned a start to your life. Please? Please stay and think about starting your new life with me in it?"

  "Z..." Oh, god. I’ve never even pictured this scenario before. Thinking of Z was always going to be a happy memory, not a reality. I don’t even know how to process a reality that actually includes Z in it.

  "Suzanne. Please. Just think about it. No force. No promises. No pressure or manipulation. Just think about it. Meet me at my apartment tonight for dinner. Just dinner, I promise. Nothing but a meal together. I just want to know you again. I NEED to know you now… Just dinner. That's all I’m asking. You can come to my home, eat or not, stay or go. It's all your choice. I'm just asking for one hour of your life. Please, come to my home, and share a meal with me? And if you need to leave forever; I'll let you go, forever, I promise. I just need a chance to know you. Please Suzanne?"

  Just Jump!

  "Okay, Z. One meal. One hour. One..."

  "Fine! 6:00. My home. No expectations and no pressure. I'll see you at 6:00. Please, Suzanne?" Z looks all concerned again.

  "Okay. 6:00. I'm fine I promise, but I really need you to go now. I just want to think for a while.”

  By the end of my sentence tears are already pouring down my face. Dammit. I was so strong. Now, I feel so weak suddenly. I can’
t be weak again.

  "Okay. I'll see you at 6:00," Z says with a little smile as he turns and walks quickly down the hallway to the elevators.

  Oh, god. I am so lost.

  ==========

  As Z turns to leave I hear him whisper, ‘I miss you’ and that's my breaking point. I'm done. Closing Kayla's door, I collapse and cry.

  I’ve always wanted someone to miss me. I had always hoped someone would miss me should something bad happen. But nothing bad has happened to me this time, and I’m actually missed, and it doesn’t feel good… it feels sad. I don't want this for Z. I never wanted this sadness for Z. He is meant for happiness, not sadness.

  Reaching for my cell, I call Mack. God, I need Mack. I need him to help me know what to do. He loves me but he knows Z. If anyone can help me think straight about Z it has got to be Mack. If Mack can't help me, I'm lost. This is the one area of my life where I don’t have the ability to work it out on my own.

  "Suzanne? What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

  "Mack. I'm sorry. Can you come back to Kayla's, alone? I need to talk badly. I just saw Z and I'm kind of messed up, or sad, or desperate, or something..."

  "I'll be there in 20 minutes. Kayla is at the hospital now, and we'll be alone. Maybe put on a pot of coffee?"

  "Okay. Coffee. Thank you Mack. I love you."

  "I love you too, Suzanne. We'll work this out, together. Just hang tight for me for 20 minutes, okay?"

  "Okay, Mack. I promise."

  ==========

  25 minutes later Mack opens Kayla's door. Walking straight toward me, I rise from my chair and hug him tight. It’s feels so good to just hug him. It feels like it’s been forever since I had a 'Mack hug' though it’s been mere days.

  "God, I've missed your hugs, Mack. You are the only one who I can hug without even a tiny cringe, still. It's just you. Even 'The Kaylas' make me cringe slightly, but never you. Do you know why that is, Mack? From a Shrink’s perspective, why is it only you that I can freely touch?"

  "Suzanne. When you had no ability to reason your past from your reality, when you were a scared woman fighting for her life, I just happened to be there. You needed one person to trust and I was the person you had to trust. That's why you don't cringe with me. You chose me then to trust when you had no one else you thought you could trust."

  “No. That’s not right. No. I think you're wrong Mack. It wasn't just because you were there. It was just because it was you. Mack, you are everything to me now because you were everything I could have ever needed then."

  "Suzanne. It's a good thing we don't feel that way about each other, because I would be madly in love with you after a comment like that."

  "Oh, shut up, you ass! You know what I mean," I say while shoving his arms away.

  "I do. And you know when I'm just teasing you."

  "I do."

  Walking to Kayla's kitchen, I pour Mack a coffee- double milk, one sugar. As I hand over the coffee, and a few cookies to him. Exhaling, I'm not sure where to begin. Walking back to the living room, Mack follows silently until I plop into my favorite big purple 'Suzanne chair', as Kayla calls it, and just pause.

  When Mack is about to speak, I hold up my hand to stop him. Nodding, Mack gets comfy in Kayla's honest to god, ORANGE love seat... and proceeds to wait while sipping his coffee.

  Just do it. Talk. This is Mack. Mack already knows everything about me and he doesn't care about the bad stuff. Mack has said what was done to me in the past, and even what I have done in the past is not who I am, or what I can become. Mack is such a good man... and this is why I love him so dearly.

  "Mack... prepare yourself. This one is gonna be long and intense for me, but probably painful, tedious and exhausting for you. You may even walk away from me after my request. I’ll be okay with whatever you do or say, or with how fast you run away."

  "Suzanne, I will never leave you, and I certainly won't run from you. Tell me, or ask me anything. There is nothing you can do that will be 'painful, tedious, or exhausting' for me."

  "Ha! We'll see..." I say with a grin, as Mack motions with his hands the international sign for 'Bring it on, sister'. God… he's just so lovable.

  Okay. Jump! And on a long-winded exhale I begin.

  CHAPTER 40

  "Mack, I want passion. And I don't mean just passion in its most base sense, I mean PASSION. I miss not knowing what I want, but knowing I’m about to get it. I miss wanting someone so badly that I crave and tingle with desire and excitement. I miss the passion that manifests itself into a kind of love, so real and so painful that I could breathe within it, and weep while without.”

  Blushing, I admit to Mack, “I have only had one man do this to me... and though I know he’s gone from my life, I'm not really sure if it’s Z that I fully miss, or rather the experience attached to him that I miss most in my life, but I do think it IS Z, and I do miss him constantly…

  “…Believe me, I’m not suggesting I miss my old life, or that I would dismiss this life- the life I have created finally, on my own, with your help of course, but I do miss the feeling of love- love in its most beautiful, compelling sense. I miss feeling love. I miss feeling.”

  Admitting on another blush at my childish sounding words, “My experience with Z was just, like, beautiful. Um, I'm not intentionally being ridiculous, and I'm not trying to romanticize this... but that’s all I can say. My short time with him was beauty, happiness and passion. I enjoyed waking to his scent, and I enjoyed sleeping in his arms for that amazingly short period of time. Days really, but days that have held me in rapture since. He was funny, tender, and so loving, that I miss him every minute of every day...

  “…During that small moment in time together, I didn't care what anyone thought or felt because he was with me and I was momentarily happy. I experienced the 'novel'... the novel every woman reads and yearns for in their real life, knowing full well that their love will never be as it is on the pages... the novel of their craving. I fell into that novel and sadly I was ripped from the pages before the last chapter.”

  My tears are starting to fall slowly- Not the tears of desperation that used to fall, but rather tears of resignation.

  “I often wonder if it would have been better that I never had this experience of feeling love with Z, so I'd have nothing to miss. But then I often thank life for giving me that one brief experience... but then the sadness returns and I am filled with remorse once again for the loss of feeling...

  “…Mack, I finally want to be touched. I want a man who knows how to touch me. I want hungry, loving, thrilled fingers to caress me. I want romance and fulfillment. I want to be held, so innocent, so completely, that my body doesn't matter. I want a man who shudders as I do when things become too intense and pain-filled, like when the memories of my past torture me. And I want a man who smiles and reassures me of my life now when the painful memories slowly fade again. I want him to help me sleep without the screaming nightmares I still have. I want to be touched by a hand, not looking for thrill or mere sexual gratification, but a hand that just wants to feel me breathe in and out, shallow or deep. I want the hand to soothe and enjoy me. I want no scars, no upset, and no pain. I just want love in his touch…

  “…I want him to look at me with knowing eyes. I want to be soft and unbroken in his eyes. I want him to see my eyes. I want to care nothing of my body, with all its physical short-comings, imperfections and scars. I want him to see no damage- I just want him to see me. I want his hands to mirror the happiness and the peace in my heart, when he touches me. I want… I want that with Z, I think.”

  Sitting forward in my chair with my hands on my knees, I know I must look a little wild-eyed to Mack. I’m sure he’s nervous for me. I’m sure I’m starting to scare him, but I need to say all this. I just need to hear it out loud. I don’t want all this stuff trapped in my head any longer.

  “When I saw his face today, I wasn’t sure if I could stop myself from hurting again, but I didn’t hurt, and I don't know w
hy. I know consciously and with very little effort on my part, I would never, ever hurt him intentionally. But I don't know if I could be myself in his presence, as just a friend if I thought I could once again feel something resembling what I did feel back then with him. This desire to feel with Z is like an obsession for me that I’m not sure I should have. He’s like a craving I shouldn’t satiate. Z is a life too big for me to live within, I think.”

  Shaking, I finally admit my truth to Mack. “I’m just average, Mack. And with that knowledge comes the reality that I was not meant for and will never have, the unbelievable love that I crave, each and every day of my life. I am without a piece of me. I am incomplete. And I think I want to see if Z could be that piece for me. But I don’t think I should, or rather, I guess I’m scared to death of trying and failing. I just don’t think I was truly meant for this thing, this love and this life which I desire most. I’m sure I wasn’t meant for the ‘happily ever after’, or for the loving calm of a loving and calm relationship. I’m sure if I try with Z, I’ll fail, and I don’t think I can recover again from another heartbreak...

  “…I am her. I am me now. I know I’m Suzanne, but I’m so very different from the woman I have created in others' eyes these last few months. She is growing strong and self-assured, but I am still the me of my youth sometimes, as you know... I’m still looking, craving, dreaming, and too often, still in pain. I still want so badly the life I dreamed of- a life with romantic, consuming, peaceful love and adoration from another.”

  Now there’s a long pause while I process my thoughts. When Mack looks like he’s about to speak after my silence, I again shake my head no, and his movements stop. I need to finish this. I’m brave right now. I’m talking freely and I want so desperately to finish this once and for all.

  “I’m not just looking for physical gratification, Mack. Please don’t misunderstand any of this. It’s not about simple sex or passion, its more, I just want to feel again. I am desperate to feel, so much so, that a pain has settled in my heart, so heavy, that I feel as though I have suffered the death of a love... Um, it's so hard to explain, but I feel as though I live in a constant mourning... without the actual death. I can't believe any pain can feel worse than this, well, not until I am actually proven wrong, I guess. I know no other pain like this; not like the pain from my abusive parents, or my neglectful spouse, or even the pain caused by the men who attacked me - not this awful life I’ve had, and not the death I thought I wanted. I just know that I live each and every day with a smothering need to be, like, free of this pain. Just for a minute, I want freedom from all this denial and memories and, and agony. I want the freedom to live average, without feeling the weight of that very word...