I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  "Wow. I'm sure there is."

  Suddenly, a very handsome man walks out of Z's kitchen smiling at me, while holding his hand out for an introduction. Awesome, I didn't flinch at the sight of a strange man coming toward me. The baby steps are working.

  "Marty, this is Suzanne."

  "Hi, Suzanne, it’s nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy your rather bizarre dinner menu, all at Z’s request, of course. I wouldn't dream of serving anything so peculiar, but hey, that's Z for you."

  "Thank you. It all looks wonderful, and amusing. It's nice to meet you, too."

  "Enjoy. I'm out of here. Z? If you ever tell anyone I prepared this dinner, I'll gladly kick your ass. Understood?"

  "Of course. Thanks Marty. I'll see you out."

  With a smile and nod in my direction, Marty and Z leave me to stare slightly dumbfounded at the dining room table. Holy shit. Z has everything. Looking at all the food, I'm starving but I can't even figure out where to begin.

  When Z returns, he motions for the chair at the end of the table. Joining him, I sit as he pushes my chair in. Placing my napkin in my lap, I still just kind of stare at the food. Where do I even begin?

  "How long have you known the chef? Marty?"

  "He and Mack have been my best friends for years."

  "Marty, Mack, and Marvin?" I giggle.

  "And anyone wonders still, why I prefer Z." No kidding. "So, I had Marty prepare everything. We have steak and Lobster. Mashed potatoes, asparagus, and green beans. We have two kinds of salad; chef and Caesar. There’s lasagna, and a delicious cheese and mushroom ravioli. There’s chicken parmigiana with fettuccini alfredo, and last but certainly not least, we have cheeseburgers, with fries, naturally. So? What do you feel like?"

  "Ah, besides laughing my ass off at this absurdity of a meal, and crying my eyes out for your kindness, I kinda feel like a cheeseburger with fries, of course... though maybe I'll add a chef salad to balance it out a little."

  "Let me get it for you. Excellent choice by the way. I was dying for a cheeseburger myself. Please laugh all you want, Marty certainly laughed at me, but if you start crying over this kindness I may not make it through dinner without crying myself in the most unmanly way I mentioned earlier. And I wouldn't want that for either of us. I look simply dreadful after crying, my eyes all puffy, and my cheeks all red..."

  That's it! I'm done. My Laughter bursts forth. Z said that so dramatically, I couldn’t help it. He is too funny. He's like this little gift for me. He brings out my real laughter like Mack does. The laughter I didn't even know I had for the last 20 years of my life. He gives me light, and some peace within my storm. He is a gift to me. Slowly, my laughter turns to tears of... gratitude?

  "Z, you are an absolute joy and a gift to me, I know that. And I want you to know that I'm aware of the gift you are."

  "Suzanne, please… I didn’t mean to make you sad, I was just..."

  Rising from my chair, I step to him and kneel on the floor beside him. "I know what you were doing. It's the same as you've always done. Your kindness and light know no bounds when it comes to me, and I'm not sad. I'm crying because of the light, and the peace, and because of the love you give to me. I know, Z. I really do understand."

  "Suzanne. Please don't kneel. I don't want that. I've never wanted that. I want you beside me only, equal with me, together. I want to adore you, not hurt you or subjugate you. Please stand up, Suzanne."

  Rising, I can't stop myself. Sitting in Z’s lap, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and squeeze. Squeezing him so tightly because I feel such happiness. I feel completed. I feel closure from the nightmare. I feel peace in this moment.

  "Z? Would you please make love with me? I can finally say that now. I want you to be with me. I need you to be with me. I know now, well actually I understand now that you never had sex TO me, like I always felt before you. I know that when we were together, you thought you were with me, even though I was unsure and unaware of the difference at the time. Please, Z?"

  “Suzanne, I can’t, um…” WHAT?!

  “You can’t?” Holy shit! I am such a loser!

  “I mean, I can, but I just can’t right now. There is so much I have to say to you. There are so many things we need to talk about. I need to tell you things. I need…”

  “Z, please. We can talk forever if you want. Please don’t do this to me right now. I’m feeling so insecure right now. I want to… actually, I’m just going to go now, if that’s alright?”

  And standing I try so hard to keep in the pain. I don’t want to cry again. I don’t want Z to see that he’s hurt me. I don’t want Z to see how weak I can still be. I am so embarrassed, I could die. Not that I want to die, but I think this embarrassment just may kill me.

  “Suzanne, wait!” Z says while grabbing me around my waist. “Wait! Please… I can have sex with you- make love with you. I want to make love with you, but I just need to talk a little first. I can’t be with you before I talk to you about what we were like before. I have to talk to you, that’s all. Please, just give me a minute.”

  “Okay,” I breathe on an exhale.

  I can hear the defeat in my own voice. I can hear the embarrassment, and I can hear the pain. This is awful. I can’t believe I’ve thrown myself at two men in as many months, and both have turned me down. This is so humiliating.

  Extracting myself from Z’s lap, I move to the chair beside him. Breathing as best as I can, I find it hard to turn to him. I don’t want to make eye contact. I don’t want to see Z struggling to not hurt my feelings. I can’t stand to see pity on his face.

  “Suzanne, please stop thinking. This isn’t about you not being what I want. This is about you being everything I want.” Oh! That sounded so beautiful. “I’m just trying to talk to you first before sex clouds us. I know what sex with you is like. I’ve been there. I know the intensity, and I know how it changed me. I don’t want us clouded by the sex, by the love-making when we need to talk first. That’s all this is, I promise. You are still the most beautiful woman I have ever known. You are still the woman I want, the woman I have wanted from the first phone call 9 months ago. Please Suzanne, trust me when I tell you, I do want you, badly.”

  “Okay. What is it then? What do you have to say Z? I’m fine now, go ahead.” And bracing myself, I raise my head, make eye contact and just wait for him to speak.

  “Okay. First I want to apologize for all that happened to you as a child. I know my father had a major part in it, I know he hurt you, and though I know he isn’t me, I still feel somehow responsible for his deplorable actions.”

  “Z, I know…”

  “Let me finish please.” And when I shut my mouth, he continues. “You had a horrendous childhood, I know that. Some days I can’t believe you made it through your breakdown and all the revelations you had to endure. I know it was a strength in you, that maybe even you’re unaware of, but I know it was a strength that got you through this last 9 months. It had to be. Everyone is astounded by your survival, and by your ability to want to live again, not to just exist. You are amazing to me...

  “…When I met you, I knew nothing of your past, obviously. But I know I pushed you. See, I thought you were like this bored wife- a woman who was married to a man who couldn’t pleasure her, that’s all. I believed you just needed a little push. I’ve done that before with some women, and I’ve known women like that who thrived with a little push. I thought you were just a sexually inexperienced woman who needed to be taught how to receive and how to enjoy pleasure. And you were that inexperienced woman. You, as Suzanne have NO experience with sex- I know that. I know you were violated and abused as that young girl, but SUZANNE knew nothing of pleasure. I wanted to be that man for you, and I think I was. I wanted to see you experience orgasm and pleasure. I wanted you to be sexually awakened, if you will. And I think I did that…”

  “You did…”

  “But at a very heavy price. I helped push you into your nervous breakdown. It was because of my actions, t
hat you were pushed over the edge, I guess. And I can’t really get over that. I’ve tried. I’ve spoke with Mack endlessly about it, but I just can’t seem to make myself accept anything other than I hurt you.”

  “But you didn’t hurt me! Yes, you were intense with me, and yes, I had never had a lover like you before, but Z, I had never HAD a lover before. That’s the point. I was already screwed up when we met. I was already losing it. I was on my way. And maybe your intensity pushed me over the edge, or maybe it didn’t. I was going to break anyway, so whether you pushed me or didn’t, really doesn’t matter. You didn’t hurt me on purpose. That’s the point! You weren’t cruel to me, and you weren’t abusive. You were kind, and supportive, and loving, and sexy as hell, actually. You were like this awesome little interlude in the middle of a breakdown. You didn’t do this to me. You had NO part in what happened 9 months ago, just as you had NO PART in what was done to me when I was young. All you were to me was a wonderful, beautiful experience that helped me get through the tragedy and the nightmare that became my life. You were an amazing memory of passion and love when I could barely stand to breathe, or even open my eyes some days.”

  “Suzanne…”

  And grabbing me up into his arms, Z actually bursts out crying. Jesus Christ! He’s crying like a man, all hiccupping coughs, and throat clearing, trying to hide it, and trying to be manly about it. Z is crying in my arms, and I’m just devastated for him. So much guilt he’s had, so much sadness, for nothing.

  “Z, you have to stop this. Today. It’s over. You didn’t do anything wrong to me. You helped me. Every single thing you did from our first phone call HELPED me. You set in motion everything I would need to be helped. Between you and Mack, I’m better. I’m not great, and I’m nowhere near ready to jump fully into life, but I’m better and that is solely because of your actions and because of Mack...

  “…Please let this go now. I need you to let this go. I can’t try to be something with you, if I fear you aren’t well enough to handle all the stuff that comes with me. I don’t want you to hide from me, but I can’t have you carrying around needless guilt all the time. It’ll destroy me. Please Z, let this go. You didn’t hurt me. You were everything to me then, and you kind of still are….” Ooops. Too much pressure.

  “Suzanne, I want to be everything for you, I really do. I know it must seem crazy… Oh! Sorry…”

  “Nope. You can say ‘crazy’. I know where I am, and sadly I know where I’ve been. I’m fine Z- just speak freely,” I grin at him.

  “Okay. I love you Suzanne. And I know it must seem CRAZY to you, and to Mack, and to anyone else who has ever known me, but honest to god, I love you. I don’t know if it’s one of those ‘love at first sight’ things, or if it’s because I’ve watched how hard you fought to make it through the breakdown… I really don’t know. I do know that I honestly love you. I am in love with you. Just having you this close to me after so much time spent apart, has left me shaken, and excited, and nervous, and actually kind of pathetic really, I mean look at me, I’m crying over here…”

  Bursting out laughing, I just take his face in my hands and kiss his lips. That’s all I need. I just want to kiss him. I have wanted to kiss Z forever it seems.

  “Z, can we please talk about everything… later. I really need to be with you now. I know it’s you, and I know we will be together- together. I know the difference now. I know you had sex with me because you cared for me. I know now that you didn’t do sex to me to hurt me. I know that, and I’m dying over here. Please take me to bed.”

  "Suzanne... Are you sure?"

  "Oh god yes! I have thought of little else but being with you again."

  "Okay. But we stop the SECOND you feel anything bad, or scary, or overwhelming. Promise me, Suzanne. Please? I need you to know that you can tell me to stop if you need to. And I need you to understand that I WILL stop the second you ask me to. Suzanne, please?"

  "Yes, Z, I understand that. But I won't stop and I won't be scared, and I won't hurt, or get confused about anything when I'm with you. I know it. Can we please stop talking now though, I’m, ah, kinda horny…” BLUSH! I can’t believe I just said that!!

  Pausing for a second, Z stares at me and then starts grinning. "Horny Suzanne? Well, you certainly have come a long way. I guess I better catch up, shouldn’t I?”

  Holy Shit! He has his dirty-sexy-flirty-smile going on. This is awesome! Kissing my lips gently, Z takes my hand, rises from his own chair and walks me toward his bedroom. Oh, thank god…

  CHAPTER 43

  Once we enter Z’s bedroom, I am struck motionless by the difference. My memories of his room are so clouded that I'm almost unsure if we ARE in Z’s bedroom. Everything is gone. Everything has changed. It's no longer a boudoir- It’s now a bedroom.

  There is no red. Breathing in deeply, I hadn't realized how afraid I actually was about the 'red', but since it's no longer here I realize I'm free of it. There is no red, and therefore there are no bad memories. This bedroom is our 'start'.

  "It's so different..." I whisper.

  "Yes. There is no one in here anymore. No past. There are no memories of them for me. They’ve been wiped clean. I wanted them wiped clean for us."

  "It's stunning. I love the colors. Blacks and beiges, and even that burst of teal looks perfect. It's just so lovely now."

  "I'm glad you like it. I wanted this space to be a fresh start for us... I hoped it could be a fresh start for us."

  "Oh, it is. There's no more red. I can't really handle red, Z. I'm trying, but it's still really hard sometimes. I take baby steps with red."

  "I know. That's the one thing Mack ever told me- red was an issue. And I wanted you to be free of any issues when you were here again- IF you were ever here again… so the red is gone, forever."

  "Thank you..." I whisper once more.

  "Please, Suzanne? Please tell me why you're crying? Are you sad? Is this too much? We can go back to the table if you'd like?"

  "NO! I'm fine. I want to be here. I really want to be here with you. I love it here now, and I know I'm going to love it here with you. I want to be with you here."

  "Okay. Do you want to talk? Would you like to sit and just talk a while?"

  "God no. We can talk forever. Please, Z... just kiss me."

  Exhaling, Z takes my face in his hands and just leans his forehead against my own. "Suzanne. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. There were some days I couldn't breathe for wanting you so badly."

  "I feel the same way about you. I always felt that way with you. During and especially after, I could barely breathe for wanting you back in my life. I just didn't know what kind of life I could give you. I had to figure out what kind of life I wanted before I could ask you, or allow you to be a part of the horror that I was in at the time."

  "It's okay. You're here now. I want you here. Please be here with me Suzanne."

  "I'm here now- I am her now. I’m finally Suzanne. And now I can give myself to you completely. Thank you for waiting Z. Thank you for waiting for me, for Suzanne to finally come get you. Thank you for not leaving."

  "Suzanne, we will stop if you..."

  "Z. Please stop talking and just kiss me. Please," I smile.

  Grinning in return, Z lowers his mouth to mine and kisses me. Oh! His lips are so soft. His lips are strong, but not overwhelming. He’s still amazing. Again, I feel his kiss everywhere- all over my body and everywhere inside my body. Z is all I feel.

  Moaning into his mouth, I feel his fingers start unbuttoning my blouse. I feel his cool fingers graze against my breasts and I moan again. Pulling him harder to my mouth, I tingle with excitement and want.

  Releasing his shoulders, I begin removing his jacket and shirt. I've NEVER undressed a man before. Ever. I didn't know how sexy and powerful it felt. Tugging his shirt from his waistband, Z's body is still, though he continues kissing me. Dropping his jacket to the floor, and spreading his shirt wide, my hands slide down his chest to his
slacks.

  Pulling his belt buckle open is, like, awesome. It’s so empowering. I want to do this. I need to do this. After unzipping his slacks, I move my hands around him again, and push his pants down, as Z steps out of them. With only his boxer-briefs between us, I stop and just look at him with a little dirty grin I can't help.

  "My turn..." he whispers with a return grin.

  Stepping back a foot, Z pushes my blouse open, letting it also fall to the floor. Reaching around my back, Z lowers the zipper on my skirt and pushes it to the floor. Standing in only my bra and panties, I have an instant of insecurity, but fight covering myself.

  "Suzanne you are so beautiful. All lush curves, and pale, smooth, soft skin. I've dreamt about kissing every inch of you for months. I've been haunted by the memory of your eyes. I have never loved or seen such beautiful eyes in my life. And your lips are perhaps the most sensual lips I have ever kissed. You are everything to me. You are every flaw and every mark you carry. And yet you are flawless and unmarked to me. You are absolutely beautiful in my eyes.”

  With tears flowing, I whisper, "Thank you for saying that. You’re the only one who has ever acknowledged the marks and scars. You're the only one who loved my body, even when I couldn't."

  "Oh, I'm going to love your body, I promise you that." Wow! That was so sexy!

  Taking my hand, Z leads me to his bed. Pushing the duvet aside, Z once again, lifts my body onto his bed. I am weightless in this moment. I have no thoughts, or fears. I know nothing but anticipation. So rising to my knees, I kiss Z with everything I have. I want him to feel how special he is to me. I want him to feel my past and our future. I want him to feel my love.

  "Suzanne. It's you. It will always be only you for me. I need to hold you. I need to love your body, so you know how much I love you. Please Suzanne. Please let me love you."

  "I want that. I want to be with you. I want to love you Z, I really do."