The Captain's Lady

by Jo Goodman

  In answer she attempted to claw at his face and chest. Why didn’t he just let go? Why did he want to know everything? Why did he have to see so much? Understand so well? As he gripped her wrists tightly together and pinned them above her head, forcing her to lie back on the bunk, she knew she could never be with him now if he were not capable of all the things she despised him for at the moment. She struggled with him a few minutes longer until she was exhausted.

  “Alex.” He said her name gently but loudly enough so she could hear it over her heavy breathing. When she had quieted he said her name again and went on. “I have already seen those marks on your back. Hiding them doesn’t make them any less real.” He paused and helped her sit up then he slid the sleeves of the shirt over her arms. “You may have it now,” he said. “Now that you know nothing has changed.”

  Alexis nodded dumbly and began to button the shirt. He stopped her with his hand and unfastened it again. “Let’s not try to hide everything,” he said, pulling her against him and slipping an arm under the open material to encircle her waist. He let her have a moment to feel his strength, allowing her to take some of it before he questioned her again. “The marks. They look as if—”

  “From a belt. My father’s belt. Not George,” she added quickly when she felt him tense. “Not even my real father for that matter. Charlie and Meg took me in when I was young and raised me with their own children. They never let me forget I was an extra mouth to feed and that they had made hundreds of sacrifices in order to keep me with them. It was hard to find work in London so I couldn’t bring in extra money but I did almost everything else for them. He beat me anyway.”

  “London? You lived in London? But how?”

  She put a finger to his lips to silence him. “Oi was a real street brat, Oi was. Oi spent me toime at th’ ’arbor. Th’ sailors tol’ me stories about all th’ plaices they seen an’ they taugh’ me a little about ships.” She laughed at his widened eyes. “The rest of my free time I spent in the park listening to the fine ladies talk and trying to imitate their speech. Charlie and I had an argument one day and it ended with him deciding he was going to sell me. Do you know about things like that, Cloud, or do I have to explain what it meant?”

  “I know,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “How old were you then?”

  “Thirteen.” His arm tightened around her waist. “I decided to run away before anything could happen. I chose the United States as my destination and the Constellation as the means to get me there. I cut my hair, stole my brother’s clothes, and took a new name for myself. I managed to get aboard the ship and fool Pauley almost the entire way to Charleston.”

  “What happened?”

  Alexis laughed, remembering the storm and the curse. “My stint as cabin boy to—”

  “Cabin boy?” he asked incredulously. Then he began laughing.

  “Cloud, will you please let me finish?” He nodded and kissed her cheek, pressing his smile against her skin. “I was cabin boy for Captain Whitehead and I was a good one too,” she said defensively, then laughed at herself. There was no reason for him to think otherwise. “Anyway, it all ended when my body decided, quite against my wishes you understand, to make me a woman. Pauley saw the blood and that was the end of everything.”

  “Was he angry?”

  “Furious at first. Later I think he liked me better for what I had tried to do. He made a decision, though, not to allow me to travel the entire way to Charleston. He told me about George and Francine and said I could have a home there. I objected at first. I thought I could get away with the charade a while longer but Pauley was firm. He insisted I should go with his friends. He wouldn’t let me…” Her voice trailed off as she remembered some of her fears and her friend’s challenge.

  “Wouldn’t let you…” Cloud encouraged her.

  “Nothing.”

  Cloud remained unconvinced. “Nothing? What is it you can’t share with me after sharing so much? I thought you trusted me.” He had no idea that his last words duplicated Pauley’s words in a similar situation. He was totally unprepared for the frightened and hurt child he released in Alexis. There was no fight left in her to ward off the memories or to hide their impact. Her eyes glazed over with tears and she could not turn away quickly enough. She clung to Cloud fiercely. She burrowed against him, seeking solace and shelter in his embrace.

  “It hurts so much sometimes,” she cried. “I can’t take the risk again. I never win. Oh, Cloud…I never can win.”

  Cloud could barely make out the words but he heard her pain and despair and he hurt for her too. With one hand he cradled the back of her head while the other stroked her back, easing the tightness between her shoulders. He would have held her all night in just such a fashion if she would have permitted it. He would have offered her anything within his power in the hope of easing her ache. But the little he understood from her garbled speech told him that she would not allow that privilege. It seemed too soon to him when she began pulling away, breathing deeply and slowly while she fought for control.

  He refused to allow her to move from the circle of his arms and she didn’t struggle. She would not meet his eyes, concentrating instead on fingering one of the buttons on her shirt. “I hate it when you remind me that the people I loved are no longer with me,” she told him in a husky whisper.

  Suddenly so much seemed clear to Cloud. “No, you don’t.” When she looked up at him belligerently, daring him to explain himself, he continued. “You like it when I inadvertently say something that reminds you of the pain you associate with loving. It supports your logic that loving can only hurt you. It gives you another reason to leave me.”

  “I don’t need another reason. I have Travers. He’s enough.”

  “And afterward?”

  Her inability to respond was the confirmation of all that he had said. Her fear of losing again made her cling tightly to the vows she had made in her island crow’s nest.

  “Sometimes I wish I could be different,” she told him sadly.

  “I know,” he said, pushing her to the mattress. “But it wouldn’t make me love you any less.” She smiled at that and he held her for a long time, neither of them moving, then he made love to her, slowly and gently, so that even after the pinnacle was reached the fall from it was unhurried and languorous. His hands were merely a soft whisper next to her skin and her kisses were fragile wisps of air that burned his flesh like a thousand exquisite brands. When it was over he heard her sigh and he chuckled, the sound muffled and subdued against the silky texture of her breasts.

  “What is it, Cloud?” she asked, brushing his copper hair from the side of his face so she could see the outline of his cheek pressed to her breasts.

  “It was your sigh. I heard you make it once before in your sleep when you didn’t know I was there. I thought then I wanted to capture that sigh so I could hear it whenever I wanted. I have it now.”

  “Now,” she repeated so he would know he could not hope to possess it forever. His arms went around her and his head rested more closely on her chest. She continued to stroke his hair with her fingers until she heard the sound of his steady breathing. Then she went to sleep too.

  For Cloud the next week passed too swiftly. His only consolation was knowing that for Alexis each minute was like an hour. He watched her make friends with his men and felt the same sense of pride she did when she earned their admiration.

  He continued tutoring her in reading maps and using a sword while Harry Young and Mike Garrison taught her how to use a pistol.

  Standing on the forecastle he watched as she successfully hit the targets Harry and Mike had placed on the railing. Harry picked her up by the waist and twirled her around while Mike laughed at her astonished face. Cloud found himself smiling as well when she insisted on being put down.

  “Harry!” she cried. “This instant! Put me down!” She laughed at herself when Harry let go and dropped her to the deck. She stood up and brushed herself off. “You could have
been a bit gentler than that, Harry.”

  “You wanted down,” he defended himself.

  “I never wanted up! Sometimes I think from the way you act you don’t expect me to hit those blasted targets.”

  Harry tried to look hurt but his slanted grin gave him away. “I couldn’t expect you not to hit them since I’m the one who taught you.”

  Alexis chuckled when she saw Mike’s pained expression. “That’s enough, Mike. Harry may not give you any credit, but I do. Let’s set them up again so we can make sure the last was not a fluke.”

  As Mike set up new targets Cloud went down to join them. “You are doing very well, Danty,” he told her when he stood beside her.

  “Have you seen, Captain? Mike and Harry are very good instructors, don’t you think?”

  “They are and they have an excellent student,” he replied easily for Mike and Harry’s benefit. Alexis was the only one who noticed the slight wince of his mouth and eyes. It was always that way when he saw her learning skills that were for a plan in which he had no part.

  He would remind her of it later, Alexis thought, when they were in bed together. He would not say anything; he rarely ever did now. But he would tell her just the same. He would tell her with his hands, his arms, his mouth. He would say it all in that brief moment when he completely possessed her. And afterward there would be a strained silence as each of them thought again of their individual goals. Alexis looked up into his face and saw her thoughts boldly displayed in his eyes, his slightly parted lips, and the arrogant tilt of his chin; and she knew she would not be strong enough to put off an encounter in her bed tonight.

  “They’re ready, Alex,” Mike called to her, breaking the spell of Cloud’s gaze.

  “Then step aside, Mike. I can’t believe you trust me enough to stand so close.” She ignored Cloud’s presence as she concentrated on the targets. She fired on the first bottle and sent glass flying into the water and onto the deck. Cloud no longer existed as she reloaded and successfully hit the second target. On the third she saw only her crow’s nest and she smashed it to nothingness.

  Cloud remained silent while she thanked Harry and Mike for their time and promised to help them with some of their work the next day.

  “How do you mean to do it, Danty?” he asked as soon as they left. He walked over to the targets and began pushing the broken glass off the deck and into the water.

  “Do it?” she asked.

  “Escape. How do you mean to do it?”

  “Captain, I hardly think you can expect me to answer that question.”

  “I am not asking you as the captain,” he said, his voice strained. His fingers gripped the railing tightly. “I am asking you as Cloud.”

  Alexis shook her head sadly. “Who do you think I’m trying to escape?”

  Cloud ran his fingers through his hair, brushing back the strands that were flying in the breeze. He turned away from her and looked out over the water. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “No. You were right to ask.” She sat on the railing beside him, facing the ocean and letting her feet dangle out over the water. “I will tell you this much: I may not wait until we get to Washington.”

  “Alex! It would be insane for you to try anything while we’re at sea.”

  “If the risks are outweighed by the possible chance of freedom then I will take them. You really don’t expect me to do otherwise, do you?”

  “No.”

  “When the chance is there you will recognize it also. You may even be able to take it away from me. But, Cloud, you cannot hide the opportunity from me.”

  He continued to stare out at the water, but his mind was wandering back several evenings ago. Caught up in his reverie he did not see Alex’s face, did not see she was remembering too….

  “My shoulder is fine, Cloud,” she had said. “Now are you going to teach me or not?”

  “Not so soon, Alex,” he had answered wearily. “I do not want to have a reoccurrence of what happened before.”

  “And I’m telling you that will not happen. If it will make you feel better, we’ll practice here. That way no one will be watching.” Cloud said nothing in return and Alexis could feel her anger rising as he propped his long legs on the table and continued to stare at her arrogantly. Arrogance, she thought, brought on by the fact he was so sure he was right. Well, she was right this time. She was ready to start again. She picked up the rapier from the bed and started toward the door. “I’ll not beg you, Cloud. Tom or someone else will teach me what I have to know.”

  Before her fingers were on the handle of the door she felt his strong grip on her elbow. “Let go of me,” she told him through clenched teeth. She twisted her face and looked up at his dark angry eyes. His fingers still bit into her skin cruelly. She forced herself not to show him that he was causing her real, physical hurt. “I don’t understand you,” she said finally when he offered nothing in defense of his actions.

  He released her. “I didn’t like what you said,” he explained, returning to his seat. Alexis followed him and stood in front of him, leaning against the table. She frowned, still not understanding. “What you said about not begging me,” he answered her expression. “I don’t want to see you begging, especially not me. You acted as if that’s what I wanted.”

  “Cloud, I only want you to teach me. If you don’t want to I can’t force you. It’s just that a moment ago you were so righteous thinking you knew what was best for me. We’ve been through it before. I didn’t see the necessity of going through it again. It’s terribly hard, isn’t it? Teaching me things you hope I will never have a chance to use.”

  “You know it is.”

  “And that’s the reason you don’t want to do it tonight, isn’t it?”

  “Yes.”

  Alexis put her hands on his shoulders. She could feel the tension in his muscles through the smooth linen shirt. “Then tell me that. Don’t say it’s because you don’t think I’m ready. Tell me it’s hard. I can respect that, Cloud. I don’t have time for excuses any more than you do.” Alexis removed her hands from his shoulders and sat on the table, placing her feet on his chair, on either side of his legs. She leaned forward until they were almost at eye level. “You told me I was wrong for trying to cover up the marks on my back with my shirt. You were right about that. I accuse you now of doing the very same thing. You try to hide your hurt with excuses. It is not any more effective than the shirt was for me. I understand, Cloud, but I have to hear it from you.”

  “We’re wasting time then, aren’t we?”

  “Not if we understand each other now.”

  Cloud stood and reached for his sword. Alexis pushed the table, desk and chairs to one corner of the cabin and the lesson began.

  He tried to keep her off guard by talking about the ship, the weather, the navy, but she would not listen. She kept her attention on what she was doing and successfully managed to back him against the wall twice.

  “Very good, Alex. Your concentration is excellent and your balance is better than before,” he said while he advanced on her. “Keep me guessing. No, I knew what you were going to do that time. You have beautiful eyes, Alex, but they are making it very easy for me to anticipate you. That’s better. You really do have beautiful eyes. Like fire sometimes. Gold. Like your hair. I like to touch your hair.”

  “You are not playing fair, Cloud,” she answered as she parried his next few moves.

  He ignored her. “Your legs are very nice too. Long and lean and strong. I like the way they feel next to mine.” He pressed her to the wall and with a strength he did not know could exist in a woman she pushed him away and went after him furiously. He laughed. “A much better subject than the weather, I think. Hmm, what else can I say? Oh, yes. Your mouth. Don’t move so often to the right. Where was I?”

  “My right,” she answered, sidestepping his next move easily.

  “That was very good. Your move and your answer. But I was on your mouth. It’s exquisite, you know.”


  “For what it says or what it does?”

  “Both,” he replied, feeling a slight catch in the single word. He lost his momentum and Alexis was quick to take advantage of it.

  She advanced on him, catching the sleeve of his shirt. She heard the material tear as she said, “My mouth, Cloud. You were on my mouth. What is it you like best? Do you like it when I kiss you on the neck or on the lips? Do you like it better when I press my mouth against your ear or your chest? Perhaps you like it best when I use my mouth to give you pleasure elsewhere?” Her sword swept through the air to the object of her talk but he blocked it.

  “Now who’s not playing fair?” he demanded huskily.

  “Oh, but I have a very good teacher. He taught me everything. Everything.” She said the last word with suggestive finality.

  “Get your arm up!” he said firmly, trying to regain his composure. This was a lesson for him as well, he realized. There were some subjects not to be discussed while fencing, especially with a partner as skilled as Alexis was becoming.

  “Yes, Cloud,” she replied obediently, regaining her balance. “I think we have discussed my mouth long enough. Shall we discuss my breasts now?” She caught the frustration in his almost horrified glance and she pressed her advantage. “Yes, I think we should definitely discuss my breasts.”

  “Not unless I can see what we’re talking about!” In a quick move that she had no time to block the tip of his sword picked off the two top buttons of her shirt in rapid succession. “That’s better,” he said evenly as he surveyed the swell of her breasts against the open collar.

  Alexis did not miss a beat. “Now that you can see them what do you have to say? Perhaps you would like to touch them? Not with the end of your sword dammit! Let’s stop this nonsense. Watch me. Try to anticipate me. What am I going to do?” She knocked the sword out of his hand.

  Cloud stood motionless for a moment then he threw back his head and laughed. He held out his arms to Alexis and she eagerly ran to him. “I’m so very proud of you,” he said breathlessly, partially from exertion, partially from the laughter, and partially from what was about to happen.