She went into the kitchen—her would-be kitchen, and put away the items into the pantry and the freshly-painted cupboards. She looked around at the pale yellow walls and the white cupboards thinking it was just as she would have done it. The scalloped edge of the cupboard that wedged itself above the kitchen window boasted a yellow-checked curtain with perfect pleats. She opened the doors, noting the plates and cups were in the exact cupboards she would have put them in.
How did he know?
Was it possible these subtle likenesses were a sign that they were meant for each other after all?
CHAPTER 24
Miriam gazed upon the modern stove in Ray’s kitchen, admiring the ease of its use as she made the two of them some hot cocoa. She could hear Ray in the living room tossing wood on the fire and stirring up the embers he’d obviously left from an earlier fire. Before long, the sound of popping and hissing filled her ears as the wood began to burn.
Carrying the hot cocoa into the living room, she couldn’t help but admire the simple, antique furnishings he’d placed in the room. Tucked away in the far corner of the room, an Amish-made rocker sat so far back she hadn’t noticed it until now. It caused a lump to form in her throat because it was an exact duplicate of the rocker her own mamm had rocked her in as an infant. Miriam set the cocoa down on the coffee table and went over to get a better look at the beautifully handcrafted piece.
She turned to Ray. “Do you mind if I sit here, or is this just for decoration?”
He gestured toward the chair. “No, not at all. Please sit in it. I bought it for you—well, for you and the baby.”
Miriam couldn’t say anything. She eased herself into the chair and leaned back, closing her eyes. She’d sat in her mamm’s chair many afternoons with her eyes closed, imagining she was rocking with her. It was a game she often played in her mind that brought her comfort. Whenever she would find herself upset about something, or missing her mamm, Miriam would sit in that chair and rock until she felt better.
Now was one of those times, and this rocking chair was the closest thing she had to finding the answer to her problems—an answer that perhaps was right under her nose.
“Thank you for the hot cocoa,” Ray said, interrupting her reverie. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
She looked at him blankly, uncertain of how to broach the subject. He’d been so kind to her that she didn’t want to hurt him more than she already had.
“I know you don’t want me to marry Adam. You’ve made that clear, but since mei bruder is here, it’s more important than ever that I keep that familye bond and remain in the community. I will become Adam’s fraa in only a few days, and I’d like to know how you want to handle the situation with the boppli.”
Her sudden change to the thick accent hadn’t gone unnoticed.
She waited for him to protest, but he didn’t say a word. He simply went about putting another piece of wood on the fire and poked at the coals as he stared at them. She could see his jaw clench, but he kept his focus on the task, not lifting his gaze from where he stared into the flickering flames.
“I’d like to still see you,” he said without pulling his gaze from the fire.
“What do you mean?”
“Just because you’re married to him doesn’t mean you can’t still spend time with me.”
Miriam put her foot down on the hardwood floor to stop the rocker. “I’ve never been married before, but I doubt it’s acceptable to date the vadder of your boppli when you’re another mann’s fraa.”
Ray whipped his head around and narrowed his gaze on her. “I don’t see how it can be acceptable to marry another man when you are carrying my baby.”
He had her there. She had no answer for that one. If she did, she probably wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place.
“You’re right! It’s not acceptable. It’s not even logical. But I know it’s what I have to do.”
He crossed the room to where she sat, and knelt in front of her. “Please marry me, then.”
Miriam cupped his handsome face in her hands. She hoped their child would inherit the sparkle in Ray’s blue eyes, but more than that, his kind heart. She dipped her head toward him and pressed her lips to his.
He lingered there, sweeping his lips across hers.
He loved her, and it broke his heart each time she’d rejected him.
“You only want to marry me because of the baby,” she said in-between kisses.
Ray stopped kissing her and stared at her with a stunned look on his face.
“What would make you think such a thing?”
Tears welled up in her eyes. “I brought up the subject of marriage to you after I found out I was pregnant, and you told me it would be a long time before you would be ready to get married.”
“Is that why you tried to marry Nate?”
Miriam shook her head. “Amish marry early. The entire community helps the married couple, and help take responsibility for setting them up with a house and food and housewares.”
Ray closed his eyes and let his forehead rest on hers. “I only meant I wasn’t ready financially. But because things happened the way they did, I now have this house, and my new construction business, thanks to the help my father and mother gave me. My aunts and uncles gave us most of the furniture in this house. The English help each other too. In a way, the situation did me a favor. It made me grow up and take responsibility for myself. And now I want to be responsible for you and our baby—because I love you—not because I have to.”
Miriam closed her eyes and breathed in the smell of firewood on Ray’s skin. She loved him too, but did she dare tell him?
CHAPTER 25
Miriam hadn’t even had a chance to talk to Ray before her brother was in her face, causing her anxiety about her poor judgment. Ray had excused himself to the barn so she could talk with Ben, but Miriam would have rather talked to Ray.
“Why is it that I come to see you at Claudia’s haus, and I find you here, at Ray’s haus instead?”
“I stayed here last night because of the weather.”
“His Englisch truck won’t drive in the snow?”
Miriam avoided his narrowed gaze on her and sat in the rocking chair. She leaned back and began to rock without saying a word.
Ben leaned down on his haunches in front of her and placed his hands over the arms of the rocker to stop it. His gazed followed the lines of the chair, inspecting it from the straight back to the rockers on the bottom.
“This is just like mamm’s chair. Where did it come from?”
“Ray got it for me without knowing it was just like mamm’s.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “He told me last night I could have it to take with me where ever I lived.”
Ben stood up and crossed the room and leaned against the hearth for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. He picked up the poker and stirred coals before placing a new wedge of wood over them.
“It seems to me that Ray really loves you.”
“Jah, but I need more than love. I need security. The kind you get from familye and the Amish community.”
“It seems to me you have a familye right here, and all the security you need. Look at this haus Ray has gotten for you. He even went to great lengths to find an Amish-made rocking chair for you just like mamm’s, without even knowing about hers. I imagine this mann would do just about anything for you, and you wouldn’t even have to ask him.”
Miriam resumed rocking. “Don’t you think I already know all that? But I am torn. I want to do the right thing, but I am afraid to lose my Amish heritage.”
“You can’t have one foot in the Englisch world and one foot in the Amish community. You need to pick one or the other. You were born an Englischer. You are Amish only in your heart—along with mamm.”
“But I was brought up Amish,” she argued.
Ben shook his head. “Nee, you were always an Englischer. Mamm knew it, and Daed sees it more now. I think that’s why your relationship wit
h him has suffered so much since mamm’s death. You represent something she wanted so badly she challenged the rules of the Ordnung for.”
“Are you saying Daed didn’t want me?”
“Nee. I’m saying Amish don’t adopt except within the community.”
Miriam stifled a sob, choking down the lump in her throat. “I was facing having to give up my boppli for adoption, until I got the proposal from Adam. If I marry him, I won’t have to do that.”
Ben pulled her into his arms. “Don’t cry little schweschder. Don’t you see? You won’t have to give up the boppli if you marry Ray either.”
Miriam hadn’t even considered that. Here she was, thinking marriage to Adam was the only way to keep her mamm from slipping away from her completely, and it was the only way to keep her boppli. Was it possible that she could have everything she wanted by marrying Ray? It couldn’t be that easy, could it?
No.
If she married Ray, she would lose the community—and her only brother, who stood before her now trying to convince her to make a move that would remove him from her life.
“But I’d have to give up you and Daed if I marry an Englischer.”
He smoothed her hair, supporting her head against his shoulder. “You won’t have to give me up. I’ll support whatever decision you make. If Daed doesn’t like it, I will have to visit you and Ray without him knowing. But I’m a grown mann capable of making my own decisions. Daed may come around in time, but until then, you will still have me.”
His words brought some comfort, but additional worries. “What about the community?”
Ben walked her over to the sofa and sat down next to her. “When I talked to Claudia this morning, she told me about Ray’s familye showering you with gifts for the boppli. You have a small community in Ray’s familye. Why would you turn that away?”
Miriam stood up and paced the room.
“Because I want what’s familiar. I need familiarity of familye. I’m not ungrateful for the beautiful store-bought quilts they gave me for the boppli, but it just isn’t the same as the one mamm sewed for me.”
Ben jumped up from the sofa and ran out the door, hollering, “I’ll be right back,” over his shoulder.
Before she realized, Ben was back inside the house, arms full of the quilt her mamm had sewn. She pulled it from him, burying her face in its worn folds and began to sob uncontrollably.
Ben steered her shaking frame toward the sofa and helped her sit down.
“If I’d known it was going to make you this upset, I wouldn’t have brought it. I took it off your bed and brought it with me thinking it would bring you comfort while you recover from the accident.”
Miriam lifted her face from the quilt. “I’m not entirely sad—I just miss her so much. I’m just crying because I’m so happy you brought me this. I didn’t think I would ever see it again. It’s the only thing I have of mamm’s, and I was worried I wouldn’t have it if Daed knew the boppli’s vadder was an Englischer.”
“Now you have it—no matter what your decision is.”
Miriam hugged the quilt to her.
If only her decision could be this easy.
CHAPTER 26
Miriam heard the doorbell ring. It was something she wasn’t certain she could ever get used to hearing. She hadn’t heard a car or a buggy pull up into the long driveway, so she was curious as to who could be there waiting on the porch. She considered not even answering, but she couldn’t do that in case it was someone important looking for Ray.
He’d gone into town to finalize some details with his construction crew, and Miriam missed him already. How was she ever going to get through the rest of her life without him? She wondered if she should consider dating Ray after she married Adam, just as he’d suggested. Could she do such a thing, even though their marriage was one of convenience alone?
When Miriam opened the door, it wasn’t the cold and snow that took her breath away; it was seeing Bethany and Levinia in front of her that did it.
“Are you alright?” Levinia asked her. “You look very pale.”
Miriam put her hand to her forehead and blew out a heavy sigh. “I think I might have stood up too fast. I feel like I’m going to faint.”
“As long as it isn’t from seeing us,” Bethany joked.
Miriam thought she wasn’t far off the mark as she sat down in the rocker.
“I see you got the rocking chair. When Ray spoke to your bruder, he described the one you had back home, and relayed the information to Ray so he could get it. He was very particular about what he wanted to get for you. I thought it was so romantic.”
Miriam was suddenly confused.
“But mei bruder has only been here for two days, and when he saw it, he didn’t say he’d helped pick it out. I wonder why he didn’t tell me.”
“Ray and Adam picked it up from Caleb Yoder yesterday afternoon. The Yoder’s make all the furniture in our community. They have three generations who work on the furniture.”
Miriam’s eyes widened at the comment. “Adam went with Ray?”
Bethany nodded.
Were the two of them conspiring against her in order to force her to choose between them, or had they become friends? Either way, the idea of them spending time together for her benefit made her feel a little uncomfortable. But perhaps it was for the best. After all, they would both be raising her baby. She would rather have them get along than not, but she wasn’t certain she relished the idea of them being friends either.
“You do know I’m marrying Adam and not Ray, don’t you?”
“Nee,” Bethany said. “We assumed you were marrying Ray since he’s the vadder of your boppli.”
Miriam practically choked on Bethany’s words.
“I suppose Adam was waiting until Sunday service to have our wedding published,” Miriam corrected them.
Levinia handed her a package wrapped in brown paper. “We made this for your wedding, but I’m not certain it will work now.”
“Danki,” she said with downcast eyes.
Miriam took it, confusion filling her. She lifted the edge of the wrapping feeling a little awkward at opening a gift from two women who had plenty of reason to hate her—but yet they didn’t. Forgiveness and peace were the Amish way, but she never thought much about it until now.
From the folds of the plain, brown wrapping, Miriam pulled a white, sheer pinafore with a swirl design embroidered into the silky material. It was the most beautiful pinafore she’d ever seen.
“We made it long-sleeved for the change in weather,” Bethany said.
“It’s wunderbaar,” Miriam said. “But much too fancy for an Amish wedding. Unless your Ordnung is more liberal than mine.”
“Nee, it isn’t,” Levinia said. “But we were under the assumption you were marrying the Englischer.”
Miriam admired the simple elegance of the pinafore, her thoughts turning to Ray. She imagined the smile he would give her if he were to see her in such a beautiful garment. But in order for him to see her in it, she would have to marry him. Did she want to marry Ray? She liked the idea of it, but she was too afraid to even think about it.
“Try it on,” Bethany urged.
“I’m so—grateful you made this—for me,” Miriam stuttered, trying not to offend them. “But if I can’t wear it to marry Adam in, there is no point in trying it on.”
“Try it on,” Bethany repeated. “We will need to make another one that is plain, but first, we will have to see if it needs to be altered.”
“I suppose that makes sense,” Miriam agreed, secretly eager to try on the elegant pinafore.
Miriam stood from the rocker, excused herself, and walked toward the bathroom. She turned back midway, remembering her manners, and addressed her guests.
“Would either of you like some hot kaffi, or cocoa?” she offered.
“Nee, we can’t stay long,” Bethany said.
Levinia stood and closed the space between her and Miriam, startling her by pulling he
r into a sincere embrace. “We only wanted you to have this gift from us, and to let you know that you do have friends here—no matter who you marry. After all, we have plenty of Englisch friends.”
Miriam was filled with shock to her very core.
“You want to be my friend?”
“Jah,” they said in unison.
Tears welled up in Miriam’s eyes. “I don’t deserve your kindness. I’ve been so mean to you both.”
“All is forgiven,” Levinia said gently, giving Miriam one last squeeze.
“You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known,” Miriam said through choked-back tears.
Levinia looked at Miriam curiously. To be called beautiful by a woman as beautiful as Miriam was the highest form of compliment she could ever get. But she quickly squelched her prideful thoughts, her crimson cheeks threatening to give her feelings away.
Within minutes, Miriam stood before the mirror in the bathroom at Ray’s house—her house—if she wanted it. She admired how the pinafore hugged her narrow waist. Ray would certainly adore her in such a beautiful garment. She knew better than to give in to feelings of vanity, but at the moment, all she could think about was Ray, and the look that would surely cross his face when he saw her in this. Her desire for him to see her was almost more than she could suppress. At the moment, all she wanted was to indulge in the feeling of adoration Ray would certainly have for her, and it felt comfortable. It felt right.
CHAPTER 27
Miriam wrung her hands, waiting for Adam to pick her up for the Sunday service. She’d donned her best pink dress, her kapp was set just right on her head. Her apron was neatly pressed, her hair twisted the same way she’d seen Bethany and Levinia wear theirs. The last thing she wanted to do today was to offend anyone in the community, and her appearance was critical.
Today would be a day of confession and remorse, and hopefully, forgiveness would follow. Her goal was to redeem herself in the community, and she was finally ready for whatever the day would bring. No matter what the outcome, she had to make things right with the community and clear her conscience.
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