As she exited her bedroom at Claudia’s house, she passed Ray in the hall. His arms were full of boxes she supposed he’d packed from his room there. She knew he’d been slowly moving things into his new home, but she hadn’t expected to see him this morning—especially not this early.
He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.
“You look very pretty this morning. All that for me?”
Miriam’s heartbeat doubled its rhythm, causing her to put an anxious hand to her chest for comfort.
“Adam will be here to take me to Sunday service in a few minutes.”
No sooner had the words slipped off her tongue than regret filled her. Ray walked past her, but not before flashing her a hurtful look. When would she ever learn to control the filter between her brain and her mouth? For someone who’d decided she was going to stop hurting him, she was not off to a very good start.
Ray exited the front door. Miriam watched him toss the boxes into the snow-covered bed of his white truck that was very much in need of a good washing. A dirty layer of road-salt trailed the length from bumper to bumper, and mud clung to the tires. He leaned against the tailgate of the truck, his brow furrowed so deep, she could see it from the window from where she watched him. He was obviously not happy to hear she was still attending the service with Adam, but at the moment, this would be her only window to accomplish what she needed to do.
Though she was tired from lack of sleep, she was eager more than ever to get this over with. She’d stayed up with Claudia until well into the wee hours of the morning talking. In the end, she’d admitted to Claudia that she still loved Ray, and always would.
Miriam’s decision was an easy one, and now it was time to put into action what was in her heart.
Adam’s buggy pulled into the driveway. He hopped out and approached Ray. The two shook hands and exchanged brief pleasantries, while Miriam squirmed at the sight of it. The only consolation for her was that this unpleasant situation was all about to end.
Miriam threw her thick, wool coat over her shoulders and walked bravely out toward the two men, neither of them sure of their fate with her. She tried not to make any direct eye-contact with Adam, but it seemed Ray had the same intention for her.
She stopped short of Adam’s buggy and turned to Ray, who hadn’t left the tailgate of his truck. “Can we talk when I get back? I had intended to talk to you this morning, but I stayed up so late with your mother talking last night that I overslept.”
Ray shrugged at the implied chip on his shoulder. “I don’t see that we have anything to talk about. I asked you not to go to this service, and you’ve made up your mind to go no matter how I feel.”
She took a step toward him, but noticed the apprehension in his expression. “I have to go to give my confession.”
“I don’t understand why.”
“I don’t expect you to understand, but I hope you will support my decision,” she said.
Ray didn’t want to hear what she had to say. She’d made up her mind, and he would have a hard enough time trying to live with her merciless decision, without her rubbing it in his face. There are certain things you just can’t take back once they are said.
Flaunting Adam in front of him was nothing short of cruel, and he wanted no part of it. He was hurt, especially since he had been so sure he’d been able to get through to Miriam. He thought she loved him, but it was apparent she did not. He was confident she would choose him, but it was evident he was wrong about that too.
Miriam closed the space between them when Ray didn’t answer. “I’m sorry, but this is something I have to do. But I’d like to talk to you after I get back.”
His jaw clenched. “I won’t be here.”
“Would it be alright if I came over to your house when I return?”
Ray looked off into the distance. “I’ll be working on the barn all day. I don’t think I’ll have time to stop what I’m doing except to make a trip into town to the lumber store if I need to. Other than that, I’ll be up to my ears with trying to patch the roof before nightfall.”
Miriam knew now was not the time to get Ray to understand why she had to go to the service, or why she had to do what she felt she had to do in order to be able to live with herself. And she certainly was not about to have a detailed discussion about it in front of Adam. But she didn’t want to leave things like this. She needed peace in her heart to prepare for what she felt was going to be the toughest decision she would ever have to make. In as much as Ray’s support of her decision was critical to her well-being, Miriam suddenly realized she was not going to get it.
CHAPTER 28
Miriam listened to the rhythmic clip-clop of the horse’s hooves as they passed yet another farm, while waiting and hoping Adam would open up a conversation with her. Even if it was only small-talk, it would be better than nothing. She couldn’t waste the entire ride to the Yoder farm waiting for an opportunity to tell him what she needed to say. She had to say it before they arrived for the service. If not, she would lose her nerve.
She shivered a little, adjusting the heavy quilt to keep the bits of snow from gathering over her lap.
Adam saw her shivering and tucked his arm around her.
She gently pushed him away.
“If you’re worried about being seen like this in front of others in the community, they will accept it once they hear the Bishop publish our wedding today.”
Miriam bit her bottom lip, fear welling up in her.
It’s now or never. I won’t get a better opportunity than this. Lord, give me strength.
“The Bishop won’t be publishing our wedding, Adam. I can’t marry you.”
She felt him become rigid in the seat next to her, his hands tightening on the reins.
“I was expecting you to say this. I’m not surprised, but I’m disappointed.”
Miriam turned so she could look him directly in the eye. “Why would you be disappointed? You only offered to marry me as penance for the accident. I forgive you for the accident, and I let you off the hook for having to marry me.”
Adam glanced at her and then put his focus back onto the country road that was luckily devoid of traffic.
“What if I don’t want to be let off the hook? What if I still want to marry you?”
A lump formed in her throat. “You don’t need to marry me, and I don’t believe you would want to marry me either. Don’t you want to marry for love instead of obligation?”
Adam tried to put his arm around her again and she scooted away from him and shrugged his arm away.
“I could learn to love you.”
Miriam sighed. “You shouldn’t have to force yourself to love me. Love is something that comes naturally when you meet the one you are to marry. It is so far beyond your control that you can’t keep it in no matter what, and you don’t want to because all you want to do is be in that person’s presence.”
“I like being around you,” he said defensively.
“You don’t love me, and I don’t love you. If we are to marry, that is what I would want for you and for me.”
He turned to her, the horse following an instinctive path down the road without a lead. “We will take the time to court, then.”
Miriam shook her head. “I don’t have the luxury of time to court you. I’ll be showing soon.”
“Surely in a month you won’t be showing enough to cause concern in the community. That would be enough time to see if we are compatible.”
Miriam felt frustration rising in her. She wasn’t getting through to him by being gentle with her words. She would have to shock him with reality.
“I don’t want a marriage with someone I’m merely compatible with. I want to be married to someone I love. I love Ray that much, but I didn’t realize it until I was faced with losing him.”
Adam’s expression changed.
She could see relief in his eyes.
“I am happy for you that you love Ray. I was still willing to marry you if it was ne
cessary, but I understand now it won’t be. If not for your honesty with me, I would have gone through with the marriage.”
Miriam tilted her head against his shoulder.
“You are a gut friend, Adam. I will always be grateful to you for being willing to help me and the boppli, but it’s time I grew up and accept what my fate is. I belong with Ray.”
Adam gave her a quick, friendly squeeze. “I agree. But I suppose I need to take you back now—back to Ray. There is no reason for you to go before the community to give a confession since you will be living among the Englisch then.”
“Nee,” she said. “Now it is more important than ever that I give that confession.”
Adam looked at her curiously. “I don’t understand why you would put yourself through that when you don’t have to. A confession, especially a public one, can be nothing short of torture.”
Miriam swallowed a lump of fear, pushing her worries aside.
“Jah, but I have made friends that I want to keep, and I can’t do that if I don’t make things right. I need to clear my conscience of the terrible things I did. I took advantage of your guilt over the accident and was willing to let you marry me out of guilt—all for my own selfish reasons—most of which I’ve made up in my head. I came close to ruining Nate’s life with Levinia, and now I could have ruined your life if I’d have let you go through with this fake marriage.
I have hurt too many people with my lies, and I want to be the sort of honorable person my friends can respect. The kind of person that learns from mistakes and makes every effort never to repeat them. I want Ray and mei kinner to be able to respect me, too. More than that, I want to be able to respect myself, and I won’t ever be able to do that if I don’t change my heart and do what’s right.”
“I’m proud to call you friend, Miriam,” he said in a most sincere tone.
Tears welled up in her eyes at his words of comfort. It was just what she needed to give her the strength to face the community.
CHAPTER 29
Miriam twisted at the long tendrils she’d freed from her prayer kapp, waiting for Ray to answer his door. She didn’t know why she felt the need to ring the bell, but after the way she’d left him two hours ago, she feared she’d ruined her chances with him.
Lord, please put forgiveness in Ray’s heart for me the same way you did for the Amish community. Danki for blessing me with the words I needed to convey my remorse for my sins against them. Bless me with the same words now to make amends with the mann I love.
Ray opened the door, looking surprised to see her. “I didn’t really expect to see you back here.”
Trying not to cry, Miriam fought to find her voice. “I told you I needed to talk to you, but I had to address the Amish community first—to make amends.”
Ray took a step back. “Well come in out of the cold and snow.”
Miriam waved off Ben, who’d driven her, and watched as he steered Adam’s buggy around the circle drive and down the dirt lane to the main road. After, she followed Ray into the house. She paused before sitting on the sofa, wishing she could sit in her rocking chair just once more—in case Ray rejected her and sent her on her way.
“Would you like some coffee or cocoa to warm you up a bit?” he asked as he stoked the fire.
“No—thank you.” Miriam stood up nervously and walked over to the hearth and held her cold hands out toward the warm flames. It was something to occupy herself while she gathered her thoughts.
“I came to apologize for the way I’ve treated you, but I beg you to listen to why I did what I did. I’m not trying to make excuses for my behavior, because I take full responsibility, but I need you to know the reasons behind it.” She looked up at him to be sure he hadn’t lost interest.
“First, and most importantly, I want to say how deeply sorry I am for not trusting you with the news of the baby. I got scared when I found out I was pregnant, and after the accident, I was even more terrified when they confirmed the pregnancy because it meant I had to make some hard decisions.”
Ray guided her back to the sofa and wrapped a quilt around her shoulders. “I wish you would have included me in those decisions. Maybe then we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“I was afraid if I didn’t stay in the Amish community, I would have to give the baby up for adoption the way my mother did to me. The Amish community was the only place I felt safe. But now I realize, Ray, that you would do anything you could to make me feel safe and to be sure we didn’t have to give up our child.”
“I would think my constant proposals and this house would be enough to make see that I would do anything for you and our child.”
Miriam wanted to ask if he would still have her, but she didn’t dare at this moment.
“I know, and I’m sorry for that. If only I’d trusted you more, things could have been different.”
Discouragement furrowed his brow. “I told you the moment I found out that I would raise our baby with you. Why didn’t you believe me?”
She could see the hurt in his eyes.
“It wasn’t that I didn’t believe you, after a long talk with your mother last night, she helped me to realize I have what she calls “trust issues”. And even though I had never heard of such a thing, her explanation did make the most sense of anything I was feeling.”
Ray chuckled. “I can see that. My mother can talk circles around anyone, but she only does it because she cares.”
“I adore your mother, and I pray that I will still get a chance to be her daughter-in-law.” Miriam knew it was a risky thing to say, but she couldn’t take it anymore. She had to know if there was still a chance for her and Ray to be together and raise their child.
Ray pulled her into his arms. “I think I can arrange that.”
Miriam was almost too afraid to hope she wasn’t dreaming this moment with him.
Suddenly, Ray jumped up from the sofa and slid down on one knee in front of Miriam. “I suppose I should officially ask you.”
Tears of joy threatened to choke her, but she swallowed them down, trying hard to contain her emotions.
Ray took her hand in his and pressed a kiss on the back. “Miriam, will you bless the remainder of my days by becoming my wife—my fraa?”
“Jah,” she said as tears spilled from her eyes.
Ray leaned up and pressed his lips to hers. It was the kind of kiss that could only be felt with the love that filled her heart for him. He was loyal to the very core of his being; how could she not love him? He was everything she needed and more—much more. She hungered for this man’s love, but she would be hungry no more. He was hers; mind, body, and soul. Her heart would always belong to him, but at this moment, all she wanted to do was to claim his soft lips.
She swept her mouth across his, her hands to each side of his strong jaw. His whiskers prickled her fingertips, the feel of his manly flesh arousing delight in her. She would love him for the rest of her days and never let him go.
CHAPTER 30
Miriam fidgeted while Claudia’s hairdresser piped baby’s breath in-between her curls to form a flower “crown” around her head. The woman had made up Miriam’s face conservatively, and surprisingly, the makeup covered the scar on her face completely. She stared at her reflection, noting how beautiful she looked, but she couldn’t help but think how much she’d changed on the inside—where it counted the most. She was happy with the person she was now—a feeling she’d never experienced before. Claudia had complimented her on the progress she’d made, and she had to admit she was finally proud of herself for her accomplishment in that area.
When the hairdresser was finished fussing over her, Miriam let her out of the room at the B&B, and then slipped the silky pinafore over her head that Bethany and Levinia had made for her. Though it wasn’t traditional Amish, it wasn’t traditional Englisch either. It was sort of a mixture of both, but she liked the fact that it was Amish-made. Made by two new friends who had come to see her marry the man she loved.
Claud
ia entered the room and presented her with a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses, sheer, white ribbons hanging from it that matched her pinafore.
“No English bride can be without a bouquet to hold at her wedding. It helps to hide your shaky hands!”
Claudia hugged her soon-to-be daughter-in-law just before she left the room.
She hadn’t thought of the traditional bouquet, but she would be happy to carry it. Happy because Claudia had been thoughtful by presenting it to her.
Her brother poked his head into the room just then. “They tell me you need someone to give you away.”
“Jah,” she said, feeling a little choked up at the offer. “I would like that very much mei bruder.”
“I know it’s tradition for a vadder to do this job, but I will gladly step in for him since he couldn’t be here. I’m not certain if he will ever come around, but I will always be your bruder, no matter who you marry.”
Miriam didn’t want to cry today.
She wouldn’t.
She would be happy that her adoptive brother was with her, happy with the new family she was about to gain, with the friends she had earned through her change of heart, and with the man she loved more than anything, who was about be hers for the rest of her life.
After a quick hug, Ben took Miriam’s hand and led her out into the large meeting room of the B&B, where her wedding would take place in only a few moments.
As she took her place at the doorway, the traditional Wedding March was played on the piano. With her arm tucked in the crook of her brother’s elbow, Miriam stepped along the blue rug between the rows of chairs toward her new husband.
Miriam’s eyes locked onto Ray, her handsome husband-to-be. The dark grey suit he wore hugged his six-foot frame, his blond hair pushed up in front just the way she liked it.
Ray was her goal, her future.
His smile washed away every last fear she had left in her. There was no doubt in her mind she was doing the right thing. She was confident she would have a good life with Ray, and that he and his family would take care of her and their baby just as well as even the largest Amish community would. She knew she wasn’t losing the community; she had friends now that would support her. She couldn’t help but think that she and her baby would have the best of both worlds.
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