Don't Want To Lose You

by Dawn Martens

  She looks at me in confusion and she shuffles through her papers and pulls out a birth certificate. “It says here she already has your last name.”

  “No, I mean, I can’t have her name being Lolita. I want to legally change it to something else, or simply just Lita. Lacey, being the person she is, named her Lolita to hurt my wife. Our child’s name was Lola.”

  Ms. Green’s face goes to shock, then to pity and she quickly jots something down. “I’ll get the paperwork for that filled out the second you leave and have the judge, who is a personal friend of mine, sign off on this. I’m so sorry that woman did this to you and your wife, by naming her that.” She shakes her head. “It also shows she has no middle name, would you like to add something there as well?”

  “Lita Marie.” Trixie’s middle name. Hopefully it will mean something to her.

  “Very well.” She smiles at me and stands up, shaking my hand. “I’ll call you as soon as I hear back from the judge, and hopefully Ms. Bradley won’t be a bother in the future.”

  “Thank you again.” I didn’t realize how fast this could get done, and I’m thankful for the rush on everything.

  I leave her office feeling ten times better than how I felt when I first walked in. Now to go get my daughter and take her home, and pray I’m able to convince Trixie to give me another chance.

  Chapter 13

  Trix

  Four days since I last heard from Chris. Four days I’ve had to myself just thinking. I completely forgot I was supposed to start working at Eden’s diner two days ago, but she told me not to worry about it, said the job would be there when I felt ready to work.

  Now, I’m sitting here thinking I should give Chris another chance. I thought about the days, even months, after Lola passed away. I can’t blame him for drowning his sorrows and making a drunken mistake. Yes, I’m still pissed it took him two years to tell me what happened, and what resulted from that mistake, but he’s my husband. The roles could have easily been reversed.

  I got calls from my parents all morning, telling me that they will support me no matter my choice, but my dad did say if Chris ever hurt me again he wouldn’t hesitate bringing out his hunting rifle and using Chris as target practice. I also dodged a few calls from Chris’s mom, but of course that hasn’t stopped her from filling up my answering machine.

  I call Lilly, figuring she’d be the best person to get advice from. “Hey, Trix,” she answers.

  “Hey, you have time to come over today to talk? I need some advice.”

  “Sure, I have a client coming in a few minutes, but as soon as I’m done with her, I’ll be right over.”

  “Perfect, thanks.” I hang up and decide to clean the house while waiting. Halfway through, my doorbell goes off. Thinking it’s Lilly, I open it up and smile.

  It’s not Lilly. “Mason, hey, what are you doing here?” He’s not the friendliest of guys, so I’ve rarely ever talked to him. His eyes and short cropped hair are so dark they look black, and he looks to be in competition with Jasper on who has the better beard. I won’t ever say this to Mason’s face, but Jasper’s beard … well, there is no competition.

  “Came by to make sure you were good, and to tell you that you don’t have to worry about Lacey around town anymore. I took care of it.”

  My eyes narrow at him. “You took care of it? What exactly did you do Mason?”

  “It’s better you don’t know. Just know she won’t be a problem for you or Chris ever again.” With that, he taps the side of my house and walks away.

  What is with the Angels Warriors guys coming to my house giving me all this vague shit?

  I am worried about what Mason just said though. He’s known as Reaper in the club because, before they switched over to the Angels Warriors, he was known for delivering death to whomever the club told him to. Apparently, it’s what he was best at. And him saying he took care of Lacey has me thinking he did the same to her.

  I go back to cleaning and finish up just as Lilly pulls into my driveway.

  “Hey, I’m here, I brought some club sandwiches from Boston Pizza.” I smile and thank her, as I grab the bag from her.

  Boston Pizza has the best Club sandwiches. the bread is actually pizza bread, which is greasy and makes a mess everywhere. “Let’s go to the kitchen, these sandwiches are messy and I just vacuumed my living room.”

  “So, what did you want to talk about?”

  I tell her everything Chris told me and then ask, “You forgave Vinny for what he did with my cousin. So, what do you think I should do? It’s not like he set out to hurt me, but we had just lost Lola. He was hurting and drunk and it happened.”

  She takes a bite of her food as she thinks about it. “Eden and Moira would say to move on, but I’ve been there. Only difference was Vinny loved both Kayla and me. Unlike Chris—Chris hates Lacey, and I do feel it was a mistake. You’re still only finding out, though. It took me forever to forgive Vinny. Hell, it took me getting kidnapped and almost murdered to forgive him.” The club went through some bad shit years ago—lots of deaths. Including my cousin, Kayla, and Mason’s first wife, Hilary. But Vinny never actually cheated on Lilly, they were broken up all the times he went to my cousin.

  “So, you think I should try and work it out?”

  “Yes, and I’m saying this because Chris is not a cheater. He made one mistake, okay, a couple if you include him not coming to you after he found out about Lacey’s daughter. I think you still owe it to your marriage to try. Now, if he was a serial cheater, I would tell you to run for the hills.”

  She’s right, we can work through this. I have to have faith that my marriage can survive.

  “Do you love him, Trixie?”

  “Of course I do,” I tell her immediately. Even after everything we’ve gone through, are still going through, her question was easy to answer. It’s not the same love I once had for him, that all-consuming, butterflies in my stomach at the mere mention of his name, but I do still love him.

  “Then that’s your answer. Talk to him. Meet that little girl, she needs a good role model, a good mother in her life, and you can give her that,” she says. “Don’t dislike her just because you hate Lacey and what Chris did.”

  I nod, and give her a hug.

  “Oh, Mason stopped by this morning,” I tell Lilly as we clean up from our supper.

  “About Lacey?”

  “How’d you know?”

  She shrugs. “Everyone knows. He threatened her, told her to get the hell outta town and not come back. To let Chris and you raise Lita, and that if she ever came back or tried to get that little girl, he’d kill her and no one would ever solve the murder, because no one would give a shit if she was dead. They’d probably throw a parade.”

  I laugh, relieved. “The way he said it, I thought for sure he already did kill her.”

  “He’s not like that anymore.” Lilly pauses. “Okay, that’s a lie, he just perfected the whole ‘make it look like an accident’ thing. We’re all pretty sure he’s the reason one of the dad’s that the club investigated last month is dead.”

  I shake my head. “Remind me never to get on his bad side.”

  We laugh and she hugs me again, promising we’ll get together for another girls’ night soon and leaves.

  I guess it’s time to call Chris and ask him to come over.

  Chapter 14

  Chris

  Four days since I last spoke with Trix, four days since I got custody of my daughter. Three days since my mother tracked me down and is now sitting in my living room just starting at Lita.

  I’ve been avoiding her calls and texts for weeks now, mainly because I didn’t want to have to deal with her. Also, I just had too much shit going on and she’s not a priority on my list.

  “So, this mean you’re going to divorce Trixie and now and marry Lita’s mom? You know you should do the right thing.”

  “The hell mom? Are you seriously telling me I should marry the town slut all because she took advantage of my
drunken state and loss of Lola two years ago?”

  “Well, she’s already a better woman than Trixie. She at least gave you a child.”

  “You need to leave, I won’t have you talking this way about Trixie, or in front of my daughter. I have sole custody of Lita. And just so you know, the woman you think is better than Trixie left my daughter with an old woman and never returned to pick her up. The bitch took off, left town. Lacey is being stripped of her rights. The first chance I get, I’m going to beg Trixie to adopt Lita as her own.” I pull my mother up from her seat. “And if you can’t accept that, then you can stay the hell out of my life.”

  “You are just like your brother. You let women control you, why don’t you go get your balls back? Once you have them, you can be my son again.” She storms out of my place.

  What did my brother and I do in a past life to have deserved the parents we got?

  My phone rings and I grab it, moving out of the room Lita is playing in so I can hear myself talk. “Yeah?” I ask from the hallway, keeping an eye on my daughter.

  “Hey,” Trixie’s soft voice comes over the line.

  “Hey,” I awkwardly reply.

  “Um, do you think you could come over?”

  My heart races. “Yeah, I’ll take Lita over to Allan and Jess’s and I’ll be there soon.”

  “Okay, no hurries.”

  “Trust me, Trix, I’m going to hurry.”

  **

  After dropping off my daughter, I arrive at the house I used to share with my wife. A home I hope to share with her soon as a family. A family that we didn’t dream of, but still one all the same. I don’t even get to knock on the door before Trixie is throwing the door open and welcoming me in.

  “I’m so glad you called,” I tell her, taking in her appearance. Her wavy, shoulder-length almost black hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun. She’s dressed in those shorts I have always loved that show off her legs.

  I follow her to the couch and she pats the spot next to her. Taking the seat, I start to tell her again how sorry I am when she cuts me off.

  “Chris, don’t. That’s not what I invited you here for. I’ve been thinking…”

  I swallow hard, hoping she isn’t going to tell me she filed for a divorce. I don’t look away from her light blue eyes and grab her hands in mine, waiting for her to continue.

  “As I said, I have been thinking these past few days and I want to try. I want us to be a family.”

  “Oh god, Trixie. Baby, you don’t know how happy hearing that makes me.” I let out a relieved breath and pull her into me. Her scent wraps around smelling like home, like exactly where I belong.

  “I promise you, I’m going to be the man you fell in love with. Anything you want it’s yours. If you want another baby, I will give you our own child.”

  She curls into me, and I rub my hand over her back. Her lips press into my throat, and I go hard. I hadn’t realized how badly I missed her touch until now. “Fuck, honey, I want you. I wanna make love to you, my wife, so damn bad. I want us to start over again.”

  She nods, peering up at me through her lashes. Her teeth graze over her bottom lip, and I press her back on the couch. I busy my hands, removing her clothes, quickly following with the removal of my own.

  “I promise you, no one else has ever had my heart, baby. No one but you.”

  “Chris?”

  “Yeah, Trix?”

  “Stop talking and make love to your wife.”

  Chapter 15

  Trix

  Things have been going pretty good with Chris and I, we’re taking it slow, but we’re back to living together. I never did take that job with Eden, though, as someone needed to be home to care for Lita. I must admit, I struggle around her. The moments she doesn’t look like Chris, I see Lacey in her, and that kills me each time. I’ve been trying to talk Chris into letting me put her in Moira’s daycare, but he doesn’t want her there, not because he doesn’t like the club daycare, but because he thinks Lita and I need to bond.

  I want to tell him to take his bonding bullshit and shove it up his ass, but I hold myself back from saying anything. Lita tried calling me Mama a few times, but I’ve corrected her. The last time she called me Mama, Chris was there and he looked so proud of that moment. But the second I corrected her and said, ‘no sweetie, I’m Trixie,’ Chris had flinched and looked at me with anger.

  Later that night, he asked me why I couldn’t just let her call me that so I was honest. I’m not her mother, and I’m still struggling with all of this.

  Right now, Lita is napping and I’m going through mine and Chris’s room cleaning up and putting things away. I notice a box in Chris’s closet that says ‘Baby Books,’ and I grab it and sit on the bed, looking through it. It looks like Lita’s baby album.

  The first page I open, there’s newborn Lita. Instantly I cry. Oh god, she looks exactly like Lola did at birth. I quickly shut the book and shove it back into the box, sticking it back into the closet. I wipe the tears off my face and grab my phone.

  “Hey, Trix.”

  “Moira, do you have room at your daycare today?”

  “Yeah, what’s going on?”

  “I can’t do this, I just can’t. I thought I could, but I can’t, Moira. She looks like Lola did as a baby. Every time I look at her, I keep thinking she should have been mine, not the product of a cheating husband. I can’t do this.”

  “Trixie, calm down. I’ll send Mason over to get Lita and her things, he’ll bring her to me. Everything will be okay.” She tries to reassure me.

  “It’s never going to be okay.” I hang up and get Lita’s things ready for Mason. Once that’s done, I grab suitcases out of the garage and pack up my own stuff.

  “Trix?” Mason calls as he enters my house.

  “Hey,” I say to him as I walk down the stairs for the fourth time, carrying two more suitcases.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I need to go. I can’t be with Chris anymore, I can’t be around that baby. I just can’t, Mason.”

  He grabs me and hugs me tightly. “The club will help you out. Get you set up. Everything will be okay. I’ll make sure of it.”

  He gets Lita from her room and straps her into his car while I put a few of her things in his trunk. “I’ll leave a note for Chris, so he knows to pick her up.”

  “Sounds good. You finish up here, and Angel should be by soon to help you out and get you set up.”

  “Thanks again, Mason.”

  He lifts his chin and peels out of my driveway. As I start to go back inside, a cop car slows down in front of my house. I stand there, watching the door open and out steps Officer Thrane. He’s hands down the best-looking man I’ve ever seen in my life, and that includes being better looking than my husband. His light brown hair always looks as if he just rolled out of bed, something Chris would never be caught looking like, as he likes his hair shorter, so there can never be a piece sticking up. Preston’s eyes are also the most unique I’ve ever seen too. Silver. God, that’s hot.

  I shake my head and wince. Shit, what is wrong with me? I’m in the middle of leaving my husband, I shouldn’t be thinking about another man.

  “How can I help you, Officer?”

  “Trixie, babe, I thought I told you to call me Preston.” His voice is husky, as if he’s always in lust when he talks to me.

  I blush and slightly giggle. “Preston.”

  He smirks at me as he watches me fidget with my hair. “Just came by to see how you were. I know you’ve had a rough time lately, just want to make sure you know I’m here whenever you need a shoulder to cry on.”

  I bite my bottom lip.

  “Thanks, Preston, but I’m actually leaving town.”

  His face goes dark, eyes narrow. “You don’t have to leave town, Trixie, I have an apartment above my garage. You can stay there.”

  “I can’t, I need to get away for a while, work on myself, better myself. I can’t do that here, in the same town th
at he hurt me most in.”

  He nods in understanding, and before I know what’s happening, his arms go around me, bringing my body into his, his lips slamming down on mine. As his tongue snakes into my mouth, I moan. Holy shit, can you come just from kissing?

  He pulls away from me roughly. “Just had to do that one time at least. Something I’ve wanted for years. I hope you come back, Trix. When you do, I’ll be here waiting.” He stalks off to his car, and I’m left standing on my doorstep staring after him in shock.

  What just happened? I touch my fingers to my lips as his patrol car rounds the corner and out of sight.

  Chapter 16

  Chris

  I get home and notice the house is dark and Trixie’s car isn’t in the garage. Maybe she and Lita went to the store. I know the last few months haven’t been the greatest, but I’m sure things will get better. I still can’t convince Trix to allow Lita to call her Mama, nor have I been able to get her to adopt Lita. Says she can’t right now. It kills me every time Lita calls her that and Trix corrects her.

  My daughter is desperate for her attention and affection. It breaks my heart. I love Trixie so damn much but my daughter comes first. Sometimes I feel like my wife is jealous of the attention I pay my daughter, but I’m all she has.

  As I unlock the front door, something feels wrong. I see a note on the table we put our keys on.

  Chris,

  I’m sorry. I tried, I really did. I thought I could give you and your daughter what you needed but every time I look at her it opens that wound. The hole in my heart from losing our daughter, our Lola. I can’t replace her with the child you made with Lacey. No matter what I do, it’s all I can think about every day. I had to put me first. I’m sorry. Lita is at Moira’s. Please don’t come after me. I need you to let me go.

  Trixie

  I crumple the note in my hand and go through the house. She really left me. I thought she wanted this to work as much as I do. I know it’s hard for her, it’s hard for me too. I love her, though. When I came in, I thought for sure I would find her and Lita getting along. I thought she was moving past this shit. I thought she wanted to be a mother. Sure, how we got Lita isn’t ideal, but she is still my daughter.