Music of the Heart

by Katie Ashley

  At the sound of his grunts and groans, I felt myself building closer and closer to coming. “Oh Jake!” I cried as I went over the edge. Just as I started coming down, Jake’s breathing grew even more ragged. “Angel, oh fuck!”

  I lay there for a moment, trying to catch my breath. It was a few seconds before either of us spoke. “That was fucking fantastic!” Jake exclaimed.

  A giggle escaped my lips. “Yeah, it was. Now you’ve even taken my phone virginity.”

  “I love that you did that for me, Angel. But most of all, I love you.”

  My heart thumped wildly in my chest. “I love you too. I can’t wait to see you Friday.”

  “Will you promise to wear the lingerie under your clothes?”

  “Of course I will. I’d do anything for you.”

  “God, I love you, Angel.”

  “I love you more.”

  ***

  Three days and two performances after my infamous phone call with Jake, I lounged in a giant hotel suite the label had provided for my brothers and me. I was counting the hours and minutes before I could see Jake again.

  At the sound of a Mariachi ring tone echoing through the room, I grinned and picked up my phone. “Hello, AJ, what’s shaking?”

  “Hola, Abuela, como estas?”

  My brows furrowed as I pulled the phone away to make sure it was really AJ. Then I replied in Spanish, “Um, I think you have the wrong number.”

  Still in Spanish, AJ replied, “Yeah, I got the right number. I just can’t speak freely at the moment. That’s why I’m talking in Spanish.”

  I gasped. “Is it Jake? Is something wrong?”

  He drew in a ragged breath. “He’s in bad shape, Angel. He’s totally shut down, and I don’t know what the hell to do.”

  “But why? What happened? I just talked to him last night.” My mind spun frantically as I tried to remember anything unusual about our conversation. He’d mentioned the nurse was worried Susan’s pneumonia might be getting worse, but Jake hadn’t told me much more.

  “The pneumonia took a greater toll on her system than the nurse and hospice people thought. She’s been practically comatose all day.”

  My stomach churned, and I fought the urge to throw up. “Oh God…poor Jake…poor Susan,” I murmured, gripping my phone tight as tears burned my eyes.

  “Even though he won’t say it or admit it, he needs you. Can you come?”

  My mind whirled with the next few days of shows. The logical answer was I couldn’t go, but there was no way in hell I was leaving Jake alone when he needed me most. “Of course I can. I’ll get the next flight out.”

  “Good. I’ll come pick you up, okay?”

  “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

  “See you soon.”

  “Bye.”

  Surprisingly, my brothers and parents didn’t protest about me leaving. They believed my place was with Jake and Susan. I was able to get a flight two hours later, and true to his word, AJ was waiting to pick me up. After he filled me in on everything that was going on, we spent most of the drive in silence.

  Cars were parked everywhere along Jake’s driveway. Since it was raining, AJ dropped me off closer to the door and then went back to park. With a shaky hand, I rang the doorbell. I half expected a nurse or one of Jake’s relatives to answer it. Nothing could have prepared me for Jake throwing open the heavy mahogany door. At the sight of me, he did a double take. The color drained from his face before he demanded, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  I jolted back at the harshness of his tone. It took me a moment to find my voice. “AJ called me and told me about Susan. I came as soon as I could to be with you…and her.”

  He stood there still staring at me. My heart ached at his appearance. Rough stubble covered his face from where he hadn’t shaved, and his usually styled-to-perfection hair was unkempt. Dark purple circles formed under his eyes. He wore a ratty Runaway Train t-shirt and a pair of holey jeans. While he had yet to ask me in, I threw myself forward, wrapping my arms tight around him. “Oh, baby, I’m so, so sorry. I’m here for you, and I love you.”

  He didn’t hug me back. In fact, his arms lay limply at his sides. I pulled away to tenderly kiss his cheek. “Talk to me, Jake,” I implored.

  His body shuddered for a moment before he shook his head. Without a word, he pushed out of my embrace. Taking my hand, he jerked me further into the foyer and down the hallway. I thought we might be going to Susan’s room, but instead, he ushered me into his room and slammed the door.

  “Jake, what are—” He silenced me by crushing his lips to mine. The kiss was demanding and harsh, nothing like I was used to experiencing with him. Taking my shoulders, he whirled me around and shoved me back against the door with such a force I cried out. His hands raked over my body as I tried getting away from him.

  “Stop it!” I cried against his mouth.

  When he pulled away, his fingers went to the button on his jeans. When he started to undo them, I shook my head. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m gonna fuck you. That’s what you came here for, right?”

  My mouth, bruised from his earlier assault, fell open in shock. “No! How could you think such a horrible thing? I came to be with you because I love you and you need me.”

  With his blue eyes blazing, his hips pinned me against the wall again. His lips curled into an angry smirk. “All anyone ever wants is a piece of me—a way to further themselves through me. That’s what you want too, right? You’re Jake Slater’s girlfriend—the one who finally tamed the notorious womanizer.”

  I shook my head wildly back and forth at his accusation. “I’m your girlfriend because I love you—not because of who you are or what anyone thinks.” I brought my hands to cup his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. “I know you, Jake. I see every single imperfection you have, and I still love you. There’s no one else in the world for me but you. And when you’re hurting, I want to be with you. When you’re broken and shattered like you are right now, I’m going to help you pick up the pieces. That’s what love is, baby.” I leaned over to whisper against the coarse stubble on his chin. “Trust me when I say that I’d do anything to be able to take away the terrible hurt you’re feeling right now. But you have to let me in a little.”

  He grabbed my wrists in his hands and shoved them above my head. “You’d do anything for me, huh?”

  “Yes,” I murmured, fighting the urge to cry out from the pain of his grip.

  “That’s a fucking pity. Because all you’ve done is become my whore.”

  My head jerked back like he had slapped me. It was as if a total stranger had taken over Jake’s body. I’d never seen him act this way, even his infamous drunken bus escapade paled in comparison. “Jake, please don’t do this! Don’t shut me out now.” Tears burned my eyes. “I know you’re hurting, but I know you love me and you need me.”

  With a cruel sneer, his hands left mine to slide down my body and rest on my hips. “I’m sorry, Angel, but that’s where you were mistaken. You were just another piece of ass to conquer—although yours was a little more of a challenge. But I have to admit how surprised I was that some romance and a profession of love had you parting those sweet thighs faster than I ever thought.”

  “That’s a lie! I know you loved me then, and you do now. You’re just twisting everything around because you’re mixed up inside.” I gripped his shoulders. “You have to fight this, Jake. You can’t give over to the darkness. That’s not what Susan would want either.”

  A stormy mix of emotions flickered in Jake’s eyes. “You can think what you want to, but I know what I’m saying about screwing you. I’m glad I got to break you in because you were meant for fucking. The way you cried out my name and came so hard on my tongue when I went down on you…Mmm…baby that was hot.”

  “Stop it,” I protested feebly as tears of frustration and hurt streamed down my cheeks.

  “Now don’t cry, Angel. It was an honor to be your first. And I promise I’
ll remember you as one of the best fucks I’ve ever had—the innocent little angel who let the Big Bad Wolf inside her tight-as-hell walls.”

  The frayed strands of my emotions snapped in two, and before I could stop myself, I brought my palm hard against his cheek, causing a loud crack to reverberate throughout the room. Any hurt within me gave way to white hot anger. “You unimaginable asshole! Don’t you ever talk to me like that again! I know your mother is dying, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to spit and trample upon everything we are. You better wake up fast and realize what you’re saying. You need to get it through your thick skull that I wasn’t just a piece of ass—that I was everything you ever dreamed of, but you fucked it all up because you had to push me away when you needed me most!”

  With that, I turned away and sprinted out of the room. As I raced out the front door, AJ called my name, but I ignored him. Not even thinking of where I was going or how I would get there, I ran headlong off the porch and into the blinding downpour.

  I got halfway down the gravel drive before I heard Jake’s voice cutting through the rain. “Abby! Please wait!”

  Whirling around, I jabbed a finger at him. “Leave me alone now, Jake. I may have made a promise to Susan to try and give you second chances when you screw up, but you’re testing my sanity right now… ”

  My voice trailed off as Jake sank to his knees in the mud. His chest rose and fell with harsh sobs as he buried his face in the hem of my dress. “I’m sorry. Oh Christ, Angel, I’m so, so sorry.”

  Unblinking and unmoving, I stared at him in shock. I didn’t know what to say or do. He had hurt me so deeply that part of me wanted to kick him off of me. “Jake, I—”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he repeated, clutching the backs of my knees. “I didn’t mean any of it—I swear to God I didn’t. I made AJ promise not to call you or get you to come because I couldn’t bear the thought of you seeing me like this.” He shook his head forlornly. “When you showed up, I thought I would die, and I couldn’t think of anything but driving you away. So I said and did all that shit just to hurt you, so you’d run away. You’re right when you called me an unimaginable asshole.”

  When I gasped, he stared up at me, tears shimmering in his eyes. “But the moment you slapped me, it was like I saw everything so clearly again. I couldn’t imagine not having you in my life, and I hated myself for doing that to you.”

  “Oh Jake,” I murmured.

  “And I swear to God that I do love you—I’ve never loved any girl like I have loved you. You are the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me in my life. It’s just…I don’t know what to do with all this,” he smacked his hands against his drenched chest. “I barely know how to be with someone when I’m whole. How the hell am I supposed to be with you when I’m so fucking broken?”

  Any anger I still harbored for him melted in an instant. I ran my fingers through the wet strands of his hair. “Baby, that’s what love is. Standing by someone in the good times and the bad.”

  “You deserve better than what I’ve got to give you. I should’ve walked away from you a long time ago rather than being selfish and trying to keep you with me.”

  I shook my head. “You couldn’t have kept me away. I love you too much. That’s why I’m here now.”

  His face contorted into a mask of agony. “She’s going to leave me. Please say you’ll stay—even though I don’t deserve you.”

  “I’m not going to leave you.” I eased down onto the ground to wrap my arms around him. “I’m going to be here for you every step of the way. Just lean on me,” I whispered in his ear. He began sobbing again, clutching me tight against him. “It’s okay, baby,” I murmured, running my hands over his back.

  The rain continued beating down on us as Jake wept uncontrollably. When he finally started coming back to himself, he sighed raggedly. “I’m sorry, Angel.”

  I eased out of his embrace to stare into his eyes. “No more apologies, okay?”

  He nodded before rising to his feet. Offering me his hand, he pulled me up. Wrapping his arm around my shoulder, he drew me to him as we started the walk back to the house. When we got inside, I was once again overwhelmed by all the friends and family filling the rooms. Jake ushered me inside his bedroom. AJ had brought my bag inside, so I quickly changed my drenched clothes while Jake did as well.

  I was drying my hair when Jake appeared behind me in the bathroom. “Come with me to see Mama.” I quickly shut off the hairdryer and followed him across the hall. A hospital bed now sat in the room where Susan’s massive four-poster bed had once been. Her frail form seemed dwarfed in the bed. Her sister, Sally, and some of her nieces sat on the couch in the corner while her father perched in a chair. They acknowledged my presence with sad smiles.

  Jake motioned for me to have a seat in one of the chairs pulled close to the bed. I eased down as I watched him sit down across from me. Jake took Susan’s hand in his and kissed it. “Mama, I’m here,” he said softly.

  I don’t know how long we sat like that—still as statues and waiting for some kind of response from her. I gasped when Susan’s eyelids finally fluttered open, and she gazed around the room. I knew exactly who she was looking for. Once Jake reached forward and grabbed her hand, a beaming smile stretched across her face. “Jacob.”’

  “Yes, Mama?”

  “Do you remember the story I used to tell you about why you became a musician?”

  Jacob’s brows furrowed as if he was confused by her question. “Um, yeah, I do, but what—”

  She shook her head and then turned to me. “I’ve always teased Jacob that he owes all his success as a singer and guitarist to me.”

  I smiled. “Does he?”

  “Oh yes. Because of my studio and teaching dance lessons, he was surrounded by music while I was carrying him. He got hours of the greats like Mozart, Beethoven, and Brahms. I always felt him kicking the most when I was teaching a class. It was like he was letting me know he felt the music already.”

  “That’s such a sweet story.”

  Susan drew in a ragged breath. “You know I was never supposed to be able to have children. After four miscarriages, I had given up on ever giving birth to a child of my own. Mark and I had begun to look into adoption when I got pregnant again. With all the other pregnancies, I’d been so careful to stay off my feet in the early days and weeks, but this time I didn’t let myself get attached. Instead, I did everything I usually did—rode horses on my dad’s farm and taught dance classes from morning until night. I didn’t let myself believe that I could really be pregnant. But after another month passed and I was still pregnant, I began to hope and pray that this time it was for real. And when I got into my second trimester—weeks after I had lost the other babies, I knew I was finally going to have my miracle.”

  She turned her head to gaze at Jake. Tears streamed freely down his cheeks, and he didn’t bother wiping them away. “My sweet son, you’ve always been the sunshine in my life—”

  Pinching his eyes shut, Jake pleaded, “Don’t do this.”

  “I have to say goodbye, honey, and you have to let me do this.”

  His chest rose and fell with harsh sobs as he buried his face onto her chest. When her hand stroked the top of his head, I couldn’t hold my emotions back any longer, and I began to weep. At my sniffling, Susan smiled. “Abby, after I’m gone, I want you to remind Jacob of the story of his birth. When he gets so down and low that he cannot stand or when he thinks there isn’t any reason to go on, tell him the story. Remind him that he was a miracle and the most precious gift I ever received.”

  Tears spilled across my face and dripped onto my lap as I leaned forward to take her hand in mine. “I will. I promise I will.” I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it before pressing it to my cheek. “I promise to make sure that he never, ever gives up, no matter how much he wants to.”

  “I thank God he has you, sweet girl. You’ll take good care of each other.” She smiled as tears shim
mered in her eyes. “You two are going to be so happy together and make the most beautiful grandchildren for me.”

  Her words made both Jake and me cry even harder. “Oh Mama,” Jake sobbed. He reached up to tenderly kiss her cheek.

  “You have to let me go, baby.”

  He shook his head wildly back and forth. “I can’t do it. Please don’t ask me to do that.”

  She rubbed her hand along his face. “It’s not goodbye for forever. We’ll see each other again. And until then, you live a full, happy life and make me proud.”

  “I will.”

  Susan smiled. “Now tell me goodbye.”

  Jake’s anguished expression broke me, and I wept openly. His chest rose and fell with harsh breaths. “Goodbye, Mama. I love you so much.”

  “Thank you, sweetheart. And I love you too.” Susan’s gaze then turned to me. “Abby, do you remember that angel song from Oh Brother Where Art Thou?”

  We’d watched the movie together probably three or four times when I was recovering from my beating. She loved the Cohen Brothers films as much as she loved George Clooney. “Yes, Angel Band. I know it.”

  “Sing it to me, please.”

  I didn’t know how I could breathe through my sobs, let alone sing, but somehow I steadied myself and tried to draw on strength I didn’t know if I had. “My latest sun is sinking fast. My race is almost run,” I began.

  “That’s it. So beautiful,” she murmured. She then closed her eyes while Jake kept his arms wrapped around her. As I kept on singing, a gentle smile formed on her lips. Her breathing grew more and more labored. When I got to the last verse, she drew in one last breath.

  And then she was gone.

  Jake fell apart, burying his face on Susan’s chest and crying hysterically. A symphony of wailing echoed throughout the room as Sally and her daughters began crying as well as Jake’s grandfather. I stepped around the side of the bed to wrap my arms around him. “I’m so sorry,” I murmured over and over.

  Just when I thought he would collapse from exhausted grief, Jake jerked his head up. He unwrapped my arms from him. “I have to get out of here,” he muttered before he sprinted out the room. I met AJ in the hallway. “Go to him,” he urged.