Skulduggery

by Logan Jacobs

  Two days later, I found myself outside the apothecary I planned to rob.

  The apothecary had a sales window on the wall that faced the street, and I stood in the shadows of the alley across the street and observed the people place their orders there instead of walking inside. The man at the counter was a human, and from Penny’s description, I knew him to be the owner. His body looked twig thin and his face had a hungry crow-like look.

  I made sure I was well within earshot of his sales conversations, and I soon realized three quarters of the patrons were shady characters buying drugs either to poison an enemy or drug a woman they wanted to rape. But the other quarter of the customers were in dire need of help, and they usually asked after a life-saving elixir or some other rare medicinal herb.

  I was about to end my reconnaissance for the day, but then I saw a flash of beauty approach the window. She was a human, with long chocolate hair, endless legs her tattered pants couldn’t conceal the shape of, and a face that had near perfect symmetry. She wasn’t nearly as beautiful as Penny or Cimarra, but she could have easily found a job with the latter’s dance group. She was skinny though, and it was obvious she was poorer than the average human.

  And that was rather poor.

  “Excuse me,” she said to the twig-like shopkeeper at the window, and I leaned against the alley wall a bit so I could hear her easier. “I need the essence of genweed to save my son. He’s very sick, but I don’t have much. How much are you asking for it?”

  “Ten coppers or get lost,” the shopkeeper growled at the poor woman. “I don’t give a damn if your son is dying or not. The question is, how much is your son’s life worth to you?”

  I knew genweed was worth five copper coins, maybe six if the owner was greedy, but ten was madness. The woman had made a mistake by telling the man she desperately needed the medicine, and now he was gouging her.

  “I have eight copper,” the woman whined as she pulled back her dark hair. “Will you accept that as payment? My husband lost his job at the harbor, so we’ve been short on coin. Please sir, he’s only a young boy.”

  “Eight?” he hissed. “What? You think I’m running a charity here?”

  “No, sir, I--”

  “Can you make up the two copper difference?” he asked.

  “I can try to bring you the money later next week,” she said as she nervously threaded her fingers together. “If you’ll give me the--”

  “Can you make up the difference now?” he sighed. “Not next week. Now.”

  “But, I already told you I have no more copper to--”

  “By the elves,” he growled as he slammed the palm of his hand on the counter. “Do I have to spell it out for you, woman? You need to earn that two copper right now if you want the potion.”

  The woman stared at the shop owner for a few moments, and then her shoulders slumped. “Oh, I see.”

  I pulled up my hood and moved around the corner and through the crowds like a shadow.

  “How much is your kid’s life worth to you?” he heckled.

  “But, I am married, and my husban--”

  “How much is your kid’s life worth to you?” the man at the counter repeated as he began to chuckle. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to put another one in your womb. You can just use your mouth. Your husband will just think your lips are saltier than usual. If you can even stand to kiss him after you guzzle my baby potion.”

  “Excuse me,” I said as I bumped into the woman. She hadn’t been expecting me to walk into her, and she staggered a bit as I threaded my arm through her elbow to keep her from falling.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” she apologized, and I could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes.

  “My fault,” I said as I nodded my hooded head, looked at the ground, and then bent down to pick something up.

  “Hey, asshole,” the alchemist hissed. “We are dealing here. Fuck off unless you are going to buy something.”

  “I think you may have dropped this?” I whispered over the din of the crowd as I ignored the man and held out a silver piece to the woman.

  “That’s not mine,” she said as she waved her hands at me, but her eyes focused on the glittering piece of metal as if it was a glass of water and she’d just walked across the desert.

  “Sure it is.” I pressed it into her hand. “I just found it at your feet. Couldn’t be anyone else’s.”

  “But, I--” she started to say, but I shook my head, stepped around her, and then continued to walk past her.

  “I’ll pay for your potion with this,” I heard her say quickly as a coin dropped on the counter.

  “Fine, bitch,” the man growled as I turned the nearest corner. “I was going to give you a deal, but you probably couldn’t have sucked worth two copper anyway.”

  “Good day to you, sir,” she said politely, and then I glanced around the corner to see her snatch the potion from the man’s hand and scurry down the street away from him.

  He was a thief in his own right, and any doubt I had about stealing from the old crag went out the window. The owner deserved everything he had coming for him, and then some.

  I just needed to break into his place, take what I needed, and maybe break what I didn’t. I turned to leave, but then I caught someone else move toward the store window, and I spun back around on my heels.

  It was a human wearing light leather armor, and on the shoulder piece was the red painted insignia for the local orc gang.

  “Ohhhh, lucky day,” I whispered to myself as I watched the alchemist and man in the light armor exchange a few words.

  Many shopkeepers paid the orc mob good money to keep thieves and other vandals away, as well as stop the orcs themselves from destroying their shops. They would send couriers with money as payment for their services, and the orcs would then blow it all on food at their local eatery.

  This man was their courier, and he was about to be loaded with the shopkeeper’s protection money.

  The alchemist darted into his store, and then a minute later he came back to the window and passed a fist sized pouch to the courier. The man in the armor gave him a quick nod, and then they both glanced down the street at the crowds before the courier walked away.

  I followed him.

  He made a few other stops at different shops, but he didn’t pick up any other gold. He was probably just telling them when he would come to collect, and I made a mental note of the establishments in case I ever needed to rob a courier again. In most cases, only the orc gangs messed with the other orc gangs, and the Thief’s Guild tended to stay away from them, but I was already risking the ire of the elves, Hagan, and all the other powers that be by starting my whiskey endeavor.

  What was adding the orcs to the list?

  The man in the armor suddenly laughed, and he clasped hands with another human male who wore a dock worker’s uniform.

  “You still doing this?” the courier’s friend asked as he gestured to the armor.

  “Yeah mate. I’ve never been scared of no orcs,” my mark proclaimed as he waved a bag of coins in his friend’s face.

  I slipped further into the shadows of the crevice between the shops as they advanced down the street.

  “You’re tellin’ me those man-eaters don’t scare you one bit?” the courier’s friend asked. “If it were me, I’d be pissin’ myself every time I walked through their doors! Ne’ermind talkin’ with ‘em.”

  “Nah, these orcs are bloody idiots, mate. You just gotta know how to act like their boss,” the courier bragged as he shoved the bag into his back pocket.

  I casually dipped into the dirt roadway and weaved through the thin crowd. I was the shadows on the street. I was the rat scurrying between the feet. I wasn’t as quick with my fingers as Penny, but I was the second best cutpurse in our Guild office and the best boxman. Lifting the man’s pouch was almost too easy, and he let out a grunt as I bumped into him and slipped the bag from his back pocket.

  “Hey mate watch it, would you?” the co
urier exclaimed.

  “My apologies,” I mumbled as I rushed past him.

  “Damn idiots in this town never look where their going,” the courier informed his friend behind me.

  I just smiled.

  Then I ducked into an alley and pulled the prize from my pocket. The bag was filled with coins, enough to keep Hagan happy for a few days, but I had other plans in mind.

  The mark eventually made it to an orc eatery that bore the same insignia as his armor painted over the door. I stopped across the street from the place and heard their grisly voices as they bellowed and sang songs. Their voices were terrible, and the sounds their bodies made sickened me, but I needed to get closer to see how the orc mob worked.

  I watched from across the way as orcs filtered in and out of the establishment. All the windows were smashed, and there were very few pieces of furniture left. Some of the orcs even had chair legs or cutlery sticking out of their thick hides. Even from across the street, I could smell the tell-tale rotten flesh and grime associated with the orcs, and it was so bad I was worried I might hurl.

  “Here it goes,” I sighed, and then I walked across the street and through the doors so I could watch the show. I was pretty sure I knew what would happen, and I didn’t particularly want to witness it, but I needed to stay and see it for myself.

  The interior of the eatery was utterly destroyed, but I guessed the orcs owned it and didn’t give a shit. There was very little furniture left and bite marks taken from some of the pillars. Green blood was smeared across the walls and floor as orcs bashed their thick skulls against one another until they bled. There were several orcs chomping on legs of mutton, and others were involved in brawls that utilized the legs of tables and chairs.

  The orcs were not an intelligent breed by any means. If they didn’t like you their motto was, “smash first and ask questions later.” Their minds revolved around food, money, fucking, and destroying everything in their path.

  And maybe not in that order.

  The only sense of law they abided by was they listened to a single leader, who was usually the biggest orc, and he normally listened to the elves, or they would get roasted by the pointy ears’ magic.

  No one was quite sure where they came from, but some speculated they were made with poor magic hundreds of years ago. Their heads were too small for their bodies, their mouths were filled with jagged teeth, and their bodies were covered with a thick hide. They wore only a loincloth or a pair of ragged shorts, as they tended to rip their clothing fairly quickly. They bled green blood, and their skin was colored red, like the fires they enjoyed starting. They always stunk of rotten flesh and decay, which was part of the reason why they had their own eatery. It tended to drive away customers when the orcs horrible stench ruined the taste of the food.

  I situated myself in the far corner on the opposite side of the bar, but I had a clear view of every corner of the room, and I could see the courier waiting impatiently by the bar.

  “He’s not here, mate?” the courier demanded of the bartender, who was an orc, but small for his race, and about the same height as the courier.

  “We told Boss you’re here,” the small orc responded with a point of his meaty finger. “Meet him in back.”

  The young man nodded his head as he walked to the back of the eatery. I couldn’t hear what was being said over the din of the orcs and their antics, but I could see them as they conversed.

  The courier smiled up at the monstrous orc, bigger than any I’d ever witnessed. He went to pull the bag of coins from his back pocket, but it wasn’t there. The courier froze, and then he frantically shoved his hands into each of his pockets repeatedly as he searched for the bag I had lifted from his person.

  He raised his hands in surrender as he backed away toward the door, and the music stopped as the growling started.

  Then things got ugly.

  The boss orc grabbed the young man’s shoulder and flung him against the wall of the eatery. There was a wet thud as his skull smacked into the wood, but before he could stumble away, another orc grabbed him and bit into his neck on the left side where the shoulder met.

  The human man let out a screech, but it lasted only a half second because the boss orc grabbed the man’s right arm and yanked it to the side. The movement ripped the human’s body out of the other orc’s mouth, and his entire left arm shredded into pieces of sinew and tissue.

  The orcs went into a frenzy as they ripped the courier limb from limb. Blood and guts flew as orcs tossed pieces of the man into the air as they scrambled for the best parts. Apparently, the heart was considered a delicacy to the orcs.

  Nausea hit me as the stench of his blood filled my nose, and the man’s dead eyes stared at me where they had left his head lying on the floor.

  But no one would give a shit. He was human, and the elves cared about us just about as much as they cared about the orcs.

  “Shop no pay!” the orc leader bellowed as blood dripped from his maw. “Orc smash!”

  They roared as they munched on the man’s arms and legs, and then they charged out the doors and into the streets.

  This was the opportunity I’d waited for.

  “Orcs destroy! Orcs eat courier now smash businesses!” the leader cried out, and it was followed by the hoots and hollers of his subordinates. They nodded their heads vigorously as their leader pounded a fist to his chest. The orcs were disorganized, and many had reverted to head-butting their comrades.

  I left the eatery, took a deep breath to steady my nerves, and then walked through the screaming orcs toward their massive leader.

  Fuck. Maybe I was really stupid.

  “Excuse me,” I called out to the orc leader

  “Yeah, human? You want new courier job? Position is open.” His beady yellow eyes turned to me, and his nostrils flared.

  “I think the courier was from the apothecary,” I informed the confused orc. “They were the ones who didn’t pay you.”

  He nodded his head in response as he roared, “Orcs smash shops.”

  “R-right,” I stammered. “Orcs smash shops … maybe orcs smash apothecary instead?”

  I was almost certain he might eat me, so I showed him the bag of coins.

  “Coin,” the leader growled as he reached for the bag.

  “No, coin for orc if smash apothecary,” I attempted to explain in their simplistic language.

  “Apothecary?” the orc leader asked.

  “Yes, apothecary,” I sighed.

  “Orc smash apothecary!” the orc leader roared.

  The other orcs roared in response as they stamped their bare feet upon the ground.

  “Orc no smash pipes,” I hollered up at the leader.

  “Orc smash pipes,” he bellowed again as he raised a fist, and the other orcs answered in the same manner.

  “No,” I yelled. “Orc no smash copper pipe. Leave pipes alone.”

  “Smash pipe?” the orc asked.

  “No,” I answered as I showed him the bag of coins again.

  “Smash pipe for coin?” the orc questioned.

  I wanted to beat my head against a wall at his blatant stupidity, but I had to keep trying. I’d known they were dumb, but I’d never expected them to be this stupid.

  “No, orc get coin if no smash copper pipes in apothecary,” I explained.

  “Orc smash apothecary for coin… and no smash pipe?” the orc answered.

  “Yes!” I exclaimed. “Orc smash apothecary for coin and no smash pipe.”

  The orc paused as he contemplated my offer for longer than was necessary.

  I bounced from foot to foot and hoped he wouldn’t decide it was better to eat me and just take my coin.

  No one would even notice either. The street had cleared as soon as the orcs came out of their eatery.

  “Orc like plan,” he finally answered. “Hand money and no smash pipes.”

  I dropped the bag of coins into his hand with a nod, and then I slipped back to my safe location between
the buildings.

  “Orcs smash apothecary! Orc no smash copper pipes for coin,” the grotesque creature proclaimed. The others cheered, and then they followed him as he ran down the road toward the shop.

  Everyone in the streets screamed and scattered.

  I followed behind them but kept a safe distance between us, and I prayed to the ancients that they wouldn’t get distracted.

  Then they rounded the corner where the alchemist’s shop was, and I saw him lean out of his window, blink at the approaching group of monsters, and then open his mouth wide with terror.

  “Wait!” he screamed as the boss orc skidded to a halt in front of his window. “I gave the money to--”

  The big orc ripped the man’s arm from his body before he could finish speaking, and the man screamed when another orc yanked him from the window and started slamming his big fist into his chest.

  I had to give credit to the thin man, since he managed to keep screaming for three hits before something inside of him broke, and blood sprayed from his mouth like a geyser.

  The orcs then tore the front of the shop away from the beams and proceeded to smash and tear at the various shelves, bottles, and flasks inside. Their destruction lasted for a bit less than three minutes, but then the group seemed to get distracted by head butting each other, and they were soon laughing and walking out into the street. Their fury seemed to have abated, and the crowd of citizens poked their heads out of alleyways and shop windows as they heard the orcs begin to laugh.

  “Go back and eat more,” the leader said as he pointed in the direction where their eatery was. Then they casually strolled down the street. One of them even stopped to pet a small stray dog on the side of the road, and the big red-skinned demi-human let out a soft laugh when the dog licked some of the blood from his hand.

  I crept from my hiding spot and walked toward the ruined shop, but as I stepped around the alchemist, he let out a whine and then reached toward me.

  “Oh, you aren’t dead,” I snickered as I looked down at him.

  “Help me,” the shopkeeper croaked.

  “Like you helped that woman today?” I hissed at him. “You wanted her to suck you off for two copper so her kid could live?”