Don't Look Back

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

  little feeling deflate. “Why did Scott give Del a black eye? He won’t tell me why.”

  “Oh.” Not what I’d expected. Glancing up at the front of the class, I could tell that Candy was trying to listen. Squeezing my pen to keep myself from turning it into a weapon of mass destruction, I kept my voice low. “Del didn’t really do anything.”

  “He didn’t?” His voice was dangerously soft. “Because I’m thinking the worst here, and if so, he’ll have a matching eye by the end of the day.”

  My eyes widened. “No—no, nothing like that. I broke up with him, and then I had this memory about something he did. We kind of got into it after that, and he wouldn’t leave. Scott sort of took care of that.”

  “What do you mean, he wouldn’t leave?” Anger shone from his blue eyes, along with a fierce protectiveness that had me wanting to smile like an idiot.

  “It’s not a big deal, really. Everything is fine now.” With the exception of Del thinking he could somehow renegotiate our relationship status.

  Carson didn’t look too convinced, but he scooted closer, pressing his knee against mine. “What did you remember?”

  “Uh, it’s really embarrassing.”

  “I can deal.” He grinned.

  My lips twitched. “I’m sure you can, but I’m not confident that I can.” I watched him as he waited, sighing when I realized he wasn’t going to let it drop. “I’m sure you already know. It has to do with…photos on a phone.”

  One brow arched, and then he leaned back as he figured it out. “Would this be something that happened around seven months ago?”

  I nodded as my entire face turned warm. “Yeah, well, I had no idea he’d taken those photos when…it was happening.” Focusing on the back of Candy’s head, I continued almost painfully. “I don’t know why I forgave him when it happened. I can’t even wrap my head around it. It’s disgusting.”

  “So you weren’t okay with it?”

  “Not from what I do remember. I was pretty pissed.” I peeked at him from underneath my lashes. “So…you saw them?”

  He watched me for a ridiculously long time. A brief, indiscernible emotion flickered across his face. “I saw them.”

  “Great.” I tucked a strand of my hair back, searching for a much-needed change in subject. “I got another note last night, after Del left.”

  “What did it say?” He sounded relieved by the topic change, too.

  I pulled the note out, showing him. Again, another unclear expression appeared as he read it. “It would be nice to know who ‘him’ is,” he said, folding it and handing it back over. “Who do you think is leaving these notes?”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered, shoving the note back into my bag. “It would have to be someone who has access to my house. That really limits the whole pool of suspects.”

  Carson agreed, and we didn’t have any more time left to discuss potential candidates. Class started, and we had to examine cell growth in plants under a shared microscope. Tingles shot up my arm every time our hands brushed when we exchanged slides.

  After class, he walked to my locker with me, waiting until I was ready to head to the cafeteria. I wasn’t sure if he was keeping an eye out for Del or if he had been as unwilling as I’d been to leave bio.

  As we neared the doors and crowded room, I stopped. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  “Okay.” He looked reluctant to head in, but I smiled and then he nodded, went around me, and disappeared.

  I waited for the one person I’d hoped would be up-front with me, ignoring the looks of those passing by me. I spied Julie up ahead. Her long skirt flowed around her ankles as she strode down the hall. Her lips spread into a smile when she saw me, but it quickly faded when I grabbed her arm.

  “Hey,” she said, glancing around. “What’s up?”

  “Can we talk somewhere private?”

  Julie’s ponytail bobbed as she nodded. “We could go to the computer lab. No one is in there during lunch.”

  Perfect. I followed her down the hall, past the library, and into the cold, silent lab. She dropped her bag in a chair. “What’s going on?”

  I took a deep breath and then said something I should’ve said days, if not weeks, ago. “Not to be all twelve-step program on you, but first off, I’m sorry for whatever I might have done or said to you.” I felt the heat creeping across my cheeks. “It wasn’t right for a multitude of reasons, and I have this feeling that you were probably the only true friend I had and I screwed that up.”

  Julie hesitated. “Sam, I could take up an entire week listing all the shit you’ve pulled, but seriously? You’re not the same. When Scott first told me you…you changed, I didn’t believe him, but I saw that it was true the day you sat at the table, and it’s still true. In the way you talk, how you carry yourself and look at people. You remind me of how you used to be, and that’s good enough of an apology. Anyway, it’s in the past. I’m over it.”

  Tears rushed to my eyes. It wasn’t much of a forgiveness speech, but it was close, and I’d take it. “Okay. I want to ask you something, and I want you to be honest.”

  Taking ahold of her ponytail, she started twisting the end around her fingers. “All right.”

  “I remembered something last night, about Del and me. He’d taken these photos of me—”

  “The ones where you were giving him a blow job like a porn star?”

  I grimaced. “Yeah, thanks, but I hadn’t known he was taking them. I must’ve heard about them after the fact and blown up.”

  “You didn’t know?” She leaned against the edge of the desk, eyes narrowed. “What an ass.”

  “My thoughts exactly.” I propped myself against the table beside her. “But I forgave him, and I don’t know why I would have. I was hoping you could tell me…what I was like when I dated Del.”

  “Oh, wow.” Julie blinked. “Honestly?”

  I nodded.

  She gave a short laugh. “I’m not even sure if you really loved him or if you two were sort of expected to be together. Your families are, like, the richest in the county. You both were popular and good-looking. It was assumed you two would get together….Well, either you or Cassie when her mother moved back, but I don’t think anyone really thought that until she got older.”

  “Did she want to date Del?”

  “She wanted everything that you had, if you ask me.” She continued winding the hair around her hand. “It was freaky, honestly, how much she tried to be like you. I always thought she was two seconds from going Single White Female on your ass. So did Scott.”

  “So you think I was with Del only because everyone expected us to be together?” My brain rebelled against the idea. All the reasons she’d listed were so damn shallow it was pathetic.

  “I think so.” She twisted toward me, tilting her head to the side. “When we were younger, in middle school, you had the biggest crush on Carson.”

  My stomach tightened at his name.

  “You two hung out so much, but then Cassie came into the picture,” she said, almost sadly. “And then Del.”

  Shame and guilt swirled in my stomach, and I lowered my chin. “I don’t understand where I went wrong. How I could just dump people and be okay with what Del did?”

  “I don’t think you were ever okay with it. You acted like you were.” She sighed. “But I knew better. You were embarrassed when the pics started getting sent around. And it pissed me off so much that you acted like it was okay. It was so passive, and I wanted to hit you. Seriously.”

  “You probably should have.”

  Jules laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  I smiled. “It couldn’t have just been Cassie and Del that changed me.”

  “I don’t think it was.” She pushed way from the table. “I think your mom had a lot to do with it. She hated our friendship because I’m not in a country club or whatever.” She rolled her eyes. “And God knows she hates that Scott loves me. Your dad seems cool with it, or at least he’s
good at pretending that he is. Anyway, you became just like your mom. I really don’t know how Scott turned out so different.” She let go of her ponytail, flinging it over her shoulder as she grabbed her bag. “You acted like your parents, Sam. They’d do anything to make themselves look good. Even if it meant lying to save face, which is what you did when the pics went live. You acted just like them, and I’m sure that if your mom thought she could get away with killing me and stashing my body somewhere to ensure her son was no longer dating a commoner, she would.”

  I wanted to laugh, but I wasn’t sure if she was joking or not.

  chapter nineteen

  Mom was waiting for me when I got home after school, crystal wine goblet in hand. From the displeased twist of her lips, I knew this wasn’t going to be good. Going to the small sitting room, I dropped my bag on the couch and flopped down.

  She followed. “Del’s mother called me this afternoon.”

  Picking up a magazine, I pretended to have no idea what she was talking about. “Did you guys have a nice chat?”

  “Not really,” she said, sitting in the leather chair. “She told me that Scott hit him? And that you broke up with him? I assured her that all this must be a misunderstanding.”

  I made a face. “Are you not even curious why Scott hit him?” I watched her sip from her glass and felt a surge of anger. “He wouldn’t leave. That was after I tried to break up with him and found out about those pictures, Mom.”

  Her hand trembled as she set the glass down on the small table beside her. “Samantha…”

  Twisting toward her, I wanted her to understand where I was coming from. Maybe I wanted her to see me for who I was now. “Mom, I didn’t know he took those pictures. And I wasn’t okay with it.”

  She blinked, smoothing her linen pants with a hand. “That’s good to know. I’d hate to believe that you were okay with something so…trashy.”

  Trashy wasn’t the only word I would have gone for. Disgusting. Violating. “Then you have to understand why I can’t be with him.”

  “Honey, what he did was wrong, but he made a mistake. Everyone does.”

  Shocked into silence, I stared at her.

  Running her fingers along the gold bangles circling her wrists, she sat straight and stiff in the seat. “Your father—he’s made mistakes. And we wouldn’t have been married for so long if neither of us learned how to forgive.”

  Gradually, I came out of my stupor. “Del took pictures of me giving him a blow—”

  “I understand that, Samantha.” Her nose wrinkled. “But this incident happened so long ago. And I’m sure he feels terrible about it. He has to feel terrible about it.”

  “I really don’t care if he feels terrible,” I admitted, and wondered if I should feel bad for that. “I can’t believe you’d ever be okay with me being with him after that.”

  My mom sighed. “I’m not okay with the fact that he did that, Samantha, but he’s young and he’s a male. God knows this won’t be the last stupid choice he makes in his life.”

  “It will be the last stupid choice he makes that involves me!”

  She ignored that. “You have every reason to be upset with him. I don’t blame you for that, but I think you should talk with him. His mom and I were saying that after…well, after everything, both of you could use some time to get reacquainted without all these outside influences confusing you.”

  I thought there was a good chance that when I had left school that day, I had veered straight into crazy land. Part of me wanted to laugh at the absurdity of my mom defending Del for doing something so vile, but the other part of me, the huge part, was stuck somewhere between being ticked off and being disturbed.

  “Outside influences confusing me?” I said finally.

  She nodded. “Well, with Cassie and your memory, it’s understandable that it would take some time before you—”

  “Why do you want me to be with Del so badly?” I cut her off. “I don’t get it. Is this normal? Do moms usually get this involved?”

  Something flashed in her eyes, gone too quickly before I could name it. “It’s important to your father and me that you are involved with someone who can take care of you and is of your same…stature.”

  There was more to it. I knew it, but like everything else, it was too far out of reach. Uncertain if it even mattered, I let it drop. “Mom, I’m not getting back with Del. I’m pretty much disgusted with him on a cellular level.”

  Picking up her glass, she watched me over the rim. “You haven’t been spending any time with your friends.”

  “My friends are assholes.”

  “Samantha!” she exclaimed, staring at me as if I’d brandished a knife.

  I fought a smile. “It’s true. And you can forget about me patching things up with them, too.”

  “I think you’re exaggerating.” She finished off her glass and smiled. It didn’t crack the cool beauty of her face. “You always had a tendency to do that.”

  “They’re calling me Insanity Sam and insinuating that I had something to do with what happened to Cassie.” Mom flinched. Maybe I should’ve softened the blow of my social downfall. Too late now. “So, yeah, I’m not exaggerating.”

  She opened her mouth but seemed to think twice before speaking. I studied her in this rare moment when she actually appeared to be thinking something instead of drinking and being disappointed with me.

  I stiffened.

  As soon as the last thought had formed, I felt that wave of familiarity and a surge of distress. At once I knew I’d been in this position before with her. Not wanting her to be disappointed and not knowing how to make that happen or if I even could make it happen.

  Stupid tears burned the back of my eyes, and I cast my gaze down. Her free hand was closed in a fist. Her knuckles were white. My throat tightened. “I know you’re disappointed—”

  “No, honey, I’m not.” She rose and sat beside me, but I still didn’t look up, because I wasn’t sure if she was lying.

  And like a piece of a puzzle clicking together, I suddenly knew her disappointment wasn’t directed just at me, but at herself, too. It was something that I must’ve known before that night on the cliff.

  “Honey, I just want the best for you. That’s all.” She paused, brushing a sheet of my hair back from my face. “And you’re heading down a path I’m not sure is going to be best for you. Breaking up with Del, alienating your friends…”

  I shook my head. “Those were the right decisions, Mom.”

  She hesitated. “And you’ve been hanging out with Carson a lot, haven’t you?”

  My head jerked up, and she quickly removed her hand. “So?”

  “His father is cleaning your father’s office for extra money, Samantha. Not exactly dating material.”

  “Well, I’m not dating his father, now, am I?” I snapped. This whole argument was ridiculous. “I’m not even dating Carson.”

  “But you like him.”

  “Yes. I do like him, Mom. I don’t get why you have such a problem with that. You married Dad!” Her eyes widened. I had her. “He didn’t have money.”

  “Your father was at Yale when I met him. That was different.”

  “How so?” I demanded. “He still didn’t have money, and Carson is going to Penn State.”

  She didn’t answer immediately, and when she did, it was not what I’d expected. “Your father…he swept me off my feet, Samantha.” A far-off look came to her eyes, and the mask she wore slipped away. I could almost imagine what she must’ve been like when she met my dad. “We met on accident, at a party, and he wasn’t like any guy I was used to. And because of where he went to college, I assumed…well, I assumed he was like me. My father wasn’t happy when the truth came out, and maybe I should’ve…”

  Maybe she should’ve listened to her father? Mom didn’t say that, but I knew that was what she was thinking, and I wasn’t sure how to really respond to that.

  Taking a small breath, she shook her head. “You deserve
someone who can give you the world, someone who can stand on his own. Do you understand me?”

  I think I did. “But money doesn’t give you the world, Mom. Not everything.”

  She opened her mouth, but a door creaked somewhere in the house. My father’s footsteps were heavy and quick. Mom turned to the door, and the moment he entered, his dark brows furrowed and jaw clenched, I knew this was bad.

  “What is it, Steven?” Mom asked, standing, once more cool and aloof as ever.

  Dad glanced at her and then me. His hair looked as if he’d run his fingers through it a lot, like it had been the day he walked into the hospital room. “Joanna, I don’t want you to panic. Everything is going to be okay. This is just procedure.”

  She folded her thin arms across her chest. “That isn’t a very