Until Then

by Delisa Lynn

  I look at her face and can tell she’s been crying. “Are you okay?” I question. She’s so close to her due date; I wonder if something is wrong.

  “I am. Do you know what you were saying?” she asks, and I shake my head. “You were talking to Sherrie, telling her how much you love and miss her. I know you do, and I’m sorry that I can’t be her. I’m sorry I’m not enough for you.” She sniffles and I feel my heart break. “I’m going to go sleep in the guest room. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know she was your wife, but it hurts so bad seeing you that way.”

  “Baby, wait,” I say, grabbing her arm. “Stay, let me explain.”

  “You don’t need to explain anything. I know you’ll always love her, that she’ll always have a part of your heart. I also know you love me and our baby. I don’t doubt that at all. I just…” She buries her head in her pillow.

  “Come here, sit down. You shouldn’t get upset like this. You’re right. I’ll always love her. She was my wife, and I have nightmares all the time about the day she was murdered. I have those dreams almost nightly, not so much since we’ve been together, but frequently. I pray to God every day that I don’t have to ever lose you. If I lost you, Rosealy, I couldn’t live. I was so lost, so fucking lost, and you… You found me. You showed me that I could love again. Yes, Sherrie holds a piece of my heart, but you have my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul now. I’m nothing without you. I’m sorry that you have to doubt the love I have for you. I never meant or intended to hurt you. You’ve been my rock since we met, and I would walk on the moon for you, and only you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I love you more than I ever thought I would love any woman.”

  “I know you love me. I just… These hormones have me second-guessing everything. I know all of this, I really do, but am I enough for you? Did you marry me because I’m having your baby? All that runs through my mind daily. So to wake up to you screaming and crying for her not to leave you, that you love her, is a little much for me to take in at the moment.”

  “I married you because I can’t live without you because you are my light in life. Look at me. I’m so sorry you had to witness all that. But that’s all it was—just a dream. I really don’t know what else to say.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Please, come back to bed with me. I need you in our bed.”

  “I just need some time. Go back to sleep,” she says and walks away. Fuck, I can’t lose her too. Standing up, I follow behind her. She’s in the nursery, in the rocking chair with her pillow. She glances up at me, fire in her eyes. “Go back to bed. I just want to sit here.”

  “Not without you. I love you. I’m sorry you’re feeling insecure and want to second-guess that.” Her eyes go wide right before her pillow comes barreling into my face.

  “Insecure? Are you fucking kidding me right now? I woke up to you begging your dead wife to stay. How else should I feel? Please, just go. I need time to cool off before I say something I’ll regret.”

  Shit, this is our first fight. I love her so goddamn much; I can’t lose her. “Please, just come back to bed, you need to rest.”

  “Kole, I won’t ask you again. Leave me alone, or I’ll leave,” she hisses.

  “Fine.” I head back into the bedroom, knowing I won’t be able to sleep. Food. I’ll go get her some doughnuts and decaffeinated coffee.

  Sliding on some sweats, I throw on a baseball cap. “I’ll be back. Are you okay?”

  “Yep, I’m good,” she says, looking through a book that we bought for the baby. When I remain in the doorway, she glances up at me. “Did you need something?” She sasses.

  “No, I’ll go.” I walk away from my wife, my heart fucking breaking seeing her like this. Heading into the kitchen, I pick up a Post-it to leave her a note that I am truly sorry.

  My mind is all over the place. I awoke to Kole having a nightmare about his late wife, and while I may have overreacted a little, I can’t help how I feel. Seeing him cry and tell her not to leave crushed me. All the air in my lungs disappeared. I know he and I moved a little too fast, but I really did fall head over heels in love with this man. He is amazing, and this is our first fight in ten months, so I guess that’s good, right? Hell, Lucas and I fought all the time. Then made up, after we realized how silly it was.

  As I skim through our baby’s first Winnie the Pooh book, I realize what a bitch I was being. I need to let him know that I overreacted. Searching for my phone, I find it in the bedroom. Next to his. Shit.

  I take both our phones and sit back in the nursery. I love this room. We both agreed on yellow walls, as it would suit for a boy or girl. I searched for days and finally found the round crib we were looking for. The bedding is Winnie the Pooh, as well as all the wall decals.

  Staring at the clock, I see that Kole has been gone for hours. I walk out into the living room and look out the window—his truck isn’t in the driveway. Glancing at the counter, I see a note.

  Roe,

  Baby, I am so sorry. I love you so much. Words can never describe the love I have for you, for our child. My late wife is just that—my late wife. You’re my now, my future, my everything. I’ll be back soon. Please don’t stay pissed at me. I hate it. I hate seeing you like this. I’ll see you soon, babe.

  Until then,

  Kole

  I feel like such a bitch. Clutching the note to my chest, I call Kathy. It rings at least four times before she answers. “Hello.” Her voice laced with sleep.

  “I’m so sorry to call so early, but have you heard from Kole? He left hours ago; we got into a huge fight, and I was stubborn. He left his phone here, though,” I rush out, tears slipping down my face.

  “What? No, I haven’t talked to him today.” I hear her move the phone around. “Lopez, it’s Roe on the phone. Have you heard from my brother today?” I can’t really hear what he’s saying, but she comes back on the phone. “He hasn’t heard from him either. I’ll get dressed and head over there.”

  “No, it’s okay. He’s more than likely at the gym or something. I’m so sorry for waking you all.” I feel my chest tighten. “I’ll text you when he comes in.”

  “Okay, please keep me updated. I love you, girlie.”

  “I will. Love you too,” I say as I slide my phone off. Watching out the window, I see it’s pretty foggy out. I’m tempted to climb in my car and go find him. Trotting back to the bedroom, I slide on a pair of yoga pants and one of Kole’s tees. Looking around, I try to put a pair of sneakers on but my feet are so swollen I grab a pair of flip-flops instead.

  Searching for my keys, I finally find them and my purse on the floor next the door. It’s a little after nine in the morning, but it seems like hours have gone by. Sliding into my car, I decide to just drive around, see if I find Kole or his truck along the way. I’ve been gone for a few minutes when I come across a wreck. My heart nearly jumps from my chest when I see that the smashed-up blue Ford is his.

  Oh, God.

  Making my way from the car, I rush to the officer who’s on the scene.

  “This is my husband’s truck. Where is he?”

  “I’m sorry, ma’am. All the victims were taken to Cleveland General. Do you need a lift?”

  “No, thank you,” I say quickly walking to my car. Pulling my phone out, I call Kathy. “Meet me at General. Kole was in an accident.”

  “Oh, dear God! On our way.” She hangs up, and I make my way to the hospital, every damn red light this side of the city catching me as I go.

  After what seems like an hour, I finally get to the hospital, stopping at the admissions desk. “My name is Roe Harris, and I’m looking for my husband, Kole Harris. He was in an accident, and the police said he was brought here.”

  “Yes, ma’am. He’s in the ER in room six. Here, take this visitor’s pass and go down the hall. Make—” I cut her off.

  “I know where it is. Thank you so much.” I rush toward the hall and take the elevator down to the bottom floor. When I reach the security desk, I hold up my pass
. “I need into room six. My husband is there,” I tell the nurse at triage.

  “Sure, follow me. He was just brought in. He’s okay, so you can breathe,” she says, handing me a cup of water.

  “Thank you. Do I look that bad?” I ask, sure I’m paler than normal as I am scared shitless about my husband.

  “You look dehydrated. How far along are you?”

  “Thirty-seven weeks,” I tell her as we walk past the rooms.

  “Here, sit with your husband. I’m going to check you in. You need some fluids. Who is your OB?”

  Ignoring her, I turn to the man beside me, throwing my arms around him. “Kole, I’m so sorry. I was so worried about you. I love you so much. Please know that I’m just an emotional wreck right now.”

  “Shhh, I’m okay. Just some observations. Some lady ran a red light. I’ll be fine. I forgot my phone, and I didn’t want to upset you, so I was going to call you when I checked out.”

  “Mrs. Harris. Your OB?” the nurse asks, agitated.

  “Shit, it’s Hahn. Dr. Shanna Hahn,” I tell her. “But I’m fine, I promise.” I go to sit next to Kole but feel something running down my legs. “Umm…”

  “Babe, are you okay?” Kole asks, sitting up.

  “No… I think my water broke,” I tell him as I look down.

  “Oh, God. Nurse. Nurse!” Kole yells, pressing the call button.

  “Yes, did you need something?” she asks then glares at me. “See, you’re not okay.”

  “My water broke, I think.” I stand there, looking at the nurse then to my husband. Thank God he’s okay. “I, um…I don’t feel so well,” I say before I make a mad dash toward the trash. It seems like everything I’ve eaten in the last few days comes up. When my stomach feels like it’s finally empty, I turn to the nurse. “Water, please.”

  “Fuck, I need out of this goddamn bed. My wife needs me!” my sweet husband roars. “Get this fucking thing out of my arm!” I can’t see his face, but I’m sure it’s beet red and, based on the tone of his voice, he’s one pissed-off man.

  “Mr. Harris, as soon as I take your IV out you’re free to go. I suggest you pull yourself together, and once you do, you can meet us up in labor and delivery.” The nurse walks over to me. “Now, Mrs. Harris, let’s get you to L&D. As soon as your husband is dressed, he’ll meet us there.”

  “The hell I will. I’m going with her.” Kole’s at my side as the nurse helps me into the wheelchair. “I’m right here, love. Not leaving your side.”

  “Okay,” I whisper. I’m so scared; we were supposed to have a few more weeks. “Please call Kathy, Mom, and London. Once we know the details, you can call my dad,” I say as I’m wheeled through the hall. Kole is wearing sweats and a hospital gown; his shirt draped over his shoulder.

  “I will, babe. Kathy just sent you a text saying they’re on the way. I guess I could call and tell her that you’re the one being treated now and not me.”

  “That may be a good idea. We’ll need the baby’s bag too.” I hope everything is okay. So far, the pregnancy has been smooth sailing; I’ve gained the proper amount of weight, and the baby has always measured the way he or she is supposed to.

  “Mrs. Harris, I’m Angie. We’re going to get you changed, so we can check to be sure you are in labor. Dr. Hahn has been contacted, and a midwife will be in to check you. If you’re in labor, then we’ll proceed,” Angie the nurse says.

  “No, I’ll be okay.” My voice sounds so timid.

  “I’ll help her. Come on, babe, I got you. We’ll be okay, and so will our baby,” Kole says, helping me out of my clothes and into the lovely oversized hospital gown.

  The nurse closes the door behind her. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I was going to get you Tim Horton’s as a make-up gift. I hated that you shut me out. You know I love you more than anything, and I would never hurt you intentionally.” He helps me onto the bed. “You, Mrs. Harris, and this baby are my life. I was in a dark hole, and you… You brought light into me again. You did.”

  I feel the tears before they hit my cheeks, “I know. I overreacted, and I’m so sorry. Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, seeing his head is a little banged up.

  “I’m fine. Luckily, the other driver wasn’t going very fast. My truck looked bad, though.”

  “I saw it. It looks like what I was expecting you to look like.” I hug him tight.

  “Promise me that if you ever hear me dreaming like that again, you’ll stay with me. I can’t say it’s not going to happen again, but I need you to understand that you and I are a team. Got it?”

  “Yes, you and me, always.” I smile through my tears. “Do you think the baby is coming too early?” I search his face for answers.

  “No, you’re far along enough that they’ll be okay. Last appointment, he measured six pounds, so he should be fine.”

  “Oh, so you still think our baby is a boy?” I raise my eyebrows.

  “I don’t think—I know.” He kisses me softly.

  “I’m Nurse Lydia, Rosealy. Let’s get some fluids in you, dear. Then we’ll see what’s going on with the little one.”

  “Okay.” I clutch my husband’s hand in mine, so glad he’s okay.

  Now we need to worry about our baby.

  As I sit and stare at my wife, I pray that she and our baby will be okay. I shouldn’t have left her alone. I’d just left the doughnuts shop and was on my way back when that lady ran the red light. Thank God I wasn’t injured, but I feel as if it’s my fault Roe is in labor. The stress of the situation surely didn’t help matters.

  My sister and mom are in the waiting area, and London’s on her way, having swung by our house to get the baby’s bag and Roe’s. Good thing she’s had them packed for weeks now. The doctor came in and said that she’s definitely in labor. The baby looks good and just wants to come early. They’ve already started the process; she received her epidural and is now napping between the contractions. I know she’s nervous, and scared—hell, I’d be a lying bastard if I said I wasn’t scared shitless myself.

  “Kole,” she murmurs.

  “I’m here, babe. You doing okay?” I ask, rubbing the cold rag over her face.

  “We’re never fighting again. I was so scared. If you had died in that accident, it would’ve been my fault.”

  “Shh, don’t talk like that. I’m not going anywhere. We’re all going to be just fine.”

  “Promise me,” she cries. “I need to know that we’ll really be okay.”

  “Promise. You and me, always.”

  Koby Allan Harris came into this world with a great set of lungs. He was 8lbs and 21inches long and has a full head of dark hair, just like his mother and me. As I sit and stare into his brown eyes, I know I’m the luckiest man on Earth. I was given a second chance to love.

  Koby is eight weeks old today, and Roe has never left his side. Today, she and I are going out on a date while Kathy and Lopez babysit. I now understand why parents don’t like to leave their children; I was off work with them for two weeks, and going back and leaving my family home was a bitch. They were constantly on my mind.

  “Babe, do you think they’ll be okay with Koby? I know he’s a good baby and all, but I’m just concerned that he’ll start fussing, and they won’t know what to do,” Roe says, sitting next to me. I just look at her and smile. “I’m overreacting, aren’t I? My stomach is in knots knowing he’s going to be at their house without us. I trust them, I really do. I just need to know that you’re okay with this.”

  “They’re his aunt and uncle; they’ll take good care of him. You see how they ogle over him, so I know they’ll be great sitters. We’ll have both our phones on, and they can call us if he or they need anything. It’s only a couple hours.”

  “You’re right. I’m being silly. Isn’t that right, Koby woby? Momma is a silly woman. Yes, she is,” she says to our son in her baby voice. Pulling away from him, she looks at me. “Okay, I’m going to fix my hair then I’ll be ready. Is this dress okay? Should
I change?”

  “We’re going to a movie and for pizza. You look fine. Don’t change. I like that color on you.” I kiss her. “Now, fix your hair so we can go. I’m hungry, woman.”

  “Going, I just need to make sure that all of Koby’s things are in his bag. His favorite elephant, his teething gel, and all his bottles.”

  “Babe…” I start. “He doesn’t need teething gel yet. I already put the Tylenol and anything they’ll need in his diaper bag.”

  “Extra clothes and bibs too?”

  “Yes, all of it. It’s on the table if you would like to double check everything.”

  “No, that’s not necessary. I trust you. I’m going to do my hair.” When she walks into the bathroom, I wait for a few seconds and then hear the hairdryer.

  Finally.

  I lay Koby in his swing and double check the bag. We purchased a house around the corner; it’s so much bigger than this one. We just closed on it this week, and we got a call that this one sold yesterday, so everything is moving right along. The new house is five bedrooms and two-and-a-half baths. It also sits on a cul-de-sac with lots of yard.

  Roe fell in love with it when we saw it, and we’re both happy that it’s here in the neighborhood. My wife adores the kitchen, which was recently updated along with the entire house, so we have to do nothing but move in. Her dad has been here twice, and he’s actually thinking of moving here, saying he hates being so far from his grandson. I can’t say that I blame him.

  “Okay, I’m ready. You know it’s going to be hell packing everything else, but I guess that’s what we have friends for. Do you think they’ll help? I know London, Matt, and Ricky will. Plus, you know wherever London goes, Abbott follows.”

  “Of course they will. Get some beer, wings, and pizza and they’ll all be here.” That’s the truth; you feed them and they’ll do anything.

  “Well, we need to be out of here in the next three weeks, so we should probably start stocking up.” She laughs.

  “I’ll ask the guy’s tonight. You and Kathy can keep us on our toes and be in charge of the food.” I don’t want her lifting all these big-ass boxes.