I lunge forward, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him into a bruising kiss. The second our lips touch, he exhales and a small moan emits from the back of his throat. He lifts me up with ease and carries me over to the bed, lying me down and climbing on top of me. Our tongues dance as I quickly unbutton his shirt and push it off his torso. Once it’s gone, my hands move down to his pants.
He breaks the kiss and looks down at me lovingly. “We don’t have to. You can still have more time if you want.”
I shake my head. “I don’t need any more time. I just need you.”
Holden lights up like a little kid on Christmas morning. He closes the gap between us and kisses me hungrily. The two of us spend the rest of the night wrapped up together, breathing ‘I love you’s into each other’s mouths.
Chapter 4
Holden
Long brown hair tickles my face – the smell of vanilla infiltrating my senses. Kayleigh. I open my eyes to see her sleeping soundly beside me. Mesmerized by her beauty, I find myself speechless as I watch her stir. My thumbs rub calming circles against her hip and the feeling of my skin on hers again giving me a type of high that I’ve missed. I don’t even know how I made it through that agonizing time without her. I guess you could say that, in a way, I almost didn’t.
The pain of missing my parents intensifies as the anniversary of their death stares back at me from the calendar app. I turn the music up louder to drown out my thoughts. I’m thinking between that and the alcohol coursing through my bloodstream, it should do the trick.
New Message: 732-555-1027
Not recognizing the number, I swipe it open.
Hey. It’s Bianca. New number.
I roll my eyes as I type back a response, making my annoyance evident.
Me: Because me blocking your old one
wasn’t enough of a hint?
Opening her contact, I add the number so I can block it, but her response comes quickly.
Bianca: I’m sorry. I just wanted to see how
you’re doing. I know today is hard for you.
A sigh leaves my mouth. She always has been the one to help me through this day, even last year when Kayleigh was too drugged up to notice something was wrong. Maybe I’ll just block her after this conversation.
Me: Thanks. I’m ok I guess.
Bianca: You guess?
Me: It just really sucks. I barely even remember
what their voices sounded like anymore.
Taking a sip from the bottle of Captain Morgan, my door swings open and my girlfriend stands in the doorway. Ugh, great. Her concern turns to disbelief as she hits the stereo to stop the music. She walks up to me and yanks the bottle out of my hands.
“Give me that back.” I reach for it, but she pulls it away just before I can grab it.
“No. What the hell is wrong with you? It’s 3:30 in the afternoon.”
I roll my eyes and get up, going into my closet and pulling a bottle of Jack Daniels out from the top shelf, hidden behind a pile of hoodies. I open the bottle and take a swig before walking back out into the bedroom.
“Fine, you can have it. I’ll drink this one.”
She quickly tries to take it from me, but as I go to pull it away, it spills all down the front of her.
“Holden!” She yells.
I wince, her shrill causes my head to hurt. “What?” I scoff. “Stop trying to take it. Now you smell like a cheap hooker.”
“Wow. What a wonderful thing to say to your girlfriend.”
I don’t reply, bringing the bottle to my lips and taking a large gulp – willing the memory of a police officer telling me my parents were dead to go away. Kayleigh sighs, sitting down on the bed and trying to calm herself down.
“Can you please just talk to me? Tell me what’s going on with you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I answer, shaking my head.
“Ever?”
“I don’t know!” I snap.
Just when she looks like she’s about to cry, my phone vibrates on the nightstand. Fuck. My face gives it away and she grabs my phone, quickly swiping it open. Her eyes widen as I rip it from her hands.
“Don’t touch my phone.”
She’s visibly broken, but between my mood mixed and the alcohol – I can’t find it in me to care.
“So, you won’t talk to me, but you’ll talk to Bianca about it?” She stands up and pushes me backwards. “The same Bianca who tried to destroy our relationship? Are you fucking kidding me?”
I focus on the floor, trying to steady myself. “You don’t understand.” Ok, I admit, that was probably the wrong answer.
“I don’t understand because you won’t talk to me!” She screams. “How the fuck do you expect me to be there for you if you won’t tell me what I have to be there for?”
Why can’t I just talk to her? She knows my parents died. Would she understand? Who am I kidding? She’s Kayleigh. Of course, she would, but she won’t let me drink my pain away. Right now, I need to drink. This was so much easier last year when she was too doped up to care.
She walks toward me and places her hands on my face. “Baby, talk to me. Please.”
I pull her hands away by her wrists and force them back down at her sides. “Why don’t you just go snort something and leave me alone?”
Not even recognizing my own voice as I hear the words come out of my mouth, I go to walk away. I just need some time to calm down – sober up even – and then we’ll talk. I’ll tell her everything and she will make it better like she always does.
“I’m done.” She whispers, stopping me in my tracks.
“What?”
“I said, I’m done.” Each word is like a stab to the heart as she continues. “You and I are over. Enjoy Bianca. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together. You two deserve each other.”
Before I can even open my mouth, she turns and runs out the door. I stand in the middle of my room, gaping and wondering what the hell just happened. She couldn’t have meant that, could she? No. She’ll come back. Any minute now, she will turn around and tell me she didn’t mean it. Any second.
I hear the front door close, and I walk over to the window to look down at the driveway. Kayleigh walks out with Caleb and climbs into his truck. She leans her head against the passenger side window as he drives away and back toward campus. Anger takes over and I scream – throwing the bottle of Jack in my hand against the wall and watching it shatter.
Great job, H. You fucked this up, again.
The couple of days after that were rough. Both Jason and Caleb kept trying to get her belongings from my room, but I needed to see her again. Finally, when they knew I wasn’t going to let them take it, we compromised. They told me they would convince her to come get it herself, but that they would pack it all up beforehand. I thought getting her in front of me would give me the chance to get her back. If she would only let me explain, all of this could be fixed. We could be perfect again. However, that’s not at all what happened.
Kayleigh walks into the room, looking as nervous as I feel. I stand up immediately, gazing at her like I’m seeing the sun for the first time in days. Technically, I am.
“Hi.” I greet her, but her response lacks emotion.
“Where’s my stuff?”
I gesture toward the two boxes on the floor by the window and she walks over to grab one before walking out of the room. A part of me considers helping her, but then she would have no need to come back inside. In a quick moment of brilliance, I rush over to my dresser and pull out the t-shirt of mine she always wears to bed. I fold it quickly and sneak it into the box just before she comes back into the room.
She walks over to take the second box but pauses. “This isn’t mine.” She says, taking the t-shirt back out and handing it to me.
“I thought you’d want to have it.” I reply, the feeling of the fabric burning my skin.
“To be honest, I’d rather not have anything of yours.” Her tone is bitter. She�
�s hurt, angry, and completely shut down.
I wrap my fingers around her wrist to try to stop her. “Kayleigh, please don’t do this.”
“I have to.” She answers.
“You don’t though.” I plead. “I can explain everything. Just let me, please.”
She rips her arm from my grasp. “No. I don’t want to hear it. You had your chance to talk, and you chose Bianca instead of me. We’re done Holden, for good this time.”
I can’t stop the tears from falling as her words cut like razor blades. This is it. She’s really done with me. She isn’t coming back. She picks up the box and goes to leave the room, but stops as she reaches the doorway.
“We were supposed to be forever.”
Her voice reveals how truly broken she is. It’s all my fault. I caused that. Allowing my emotions to wrack over my entire body, I sob – falling to the floor and laying my head back against my bed. I lost her.
Another week passed, and I spent just about every day holed up in my room. It wasn’t until Jason came in and told me that Kayleigh was coming to his birthday party, that I got up and forced myself into the shower. Of course, he made sure to emphasize that I wasn’t allowed to approach her.
“That’s fine.” I had replied, but he never said anything about if she talks to me first.
I’m standing in the kitchen talking to Jo and some freshman from my business class when I hear someone near me whisper about Kayleigh being here. By reflex, I look up and we lock eyes. Her honey colored orbs lack the normal amount of life and hope they usually hold. I only give myself a few seconds before I look away, knowing Jason will kill me if I don’t listen to him. Besides, at least she’s here.
“So, that’s your ex?” The freshman asks. I believe her name is Aubrey.
“Yup.” I reply, taking a swig of my beer.
She eyes me intently. “You’re not going to go say hi?”
“I’m not allowed.”
A giggle leaves her mouth. “Not allowed? Are you a child?”
I glare at her. “Jason asked me not to, and it’s his party.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“Well, no, but there isn’t much I can do about it, is there?”
She grins deviously, taking my hand and placing my arm over her shoulders. “You could make her jealous.”
Now that she mentions it, Kayleigh’s jealousy has always been something that takes over her mind. Maybe, if I can make her think I’m okay without her, she will come talk to me. I take another sip before smiling thankfully at Aubrey.
Turns out, that was a bad idea. Kayleigh and I end up spending the entire night in a competition of who could seem like they care less. She snuggled up next to Dawson, which made me laugh being as his fiancé was in the same room. Still though, seeing her with anyone else, even knowing it was fake, made my chest hurt.
He wraps his arms around her from behind, the same way I always do. The sight is so sickening to me that I shudder. Jo follows my line of sight until she sees them.
“Oh, fuck no. Enough of this shit.” She scoffs.
I try to stop her, but she’s stubborn and storms away from me. She pulls Kayleigh out of Dawson’s hold and starts fighting with her – judging by her excessive hand motions. I turn away as Kayleigh looks at me with shock written all over her face. Fuck, she told her. Okay, not the way I wanted her to find out why I was upset, but maybe now we’ll talk.
Aubrey excuses herself to the bathroom, briefly mentioning that she’s leaving after – something about a class in the morning. To be honest, I wasn’t really listening. I was too focused on my ex walking toward me.
“I was told not to talk to you.” I murmur, trying my best to sound unaffected but failing miserably.
In the way that she always does, she ignores my comment. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrug. “I didn’t know how to cope. I just shut down.”
“You should have told me. I would have tried to help you.”
“Trust me. I know that now.”
Her expression changes, and a feeling of hope swells inside of me. Will she talk to me now? Will everything end up alright? I see Aubrey walking back toward me, and once she sees me with Kayleigh, she smirks. Fuck. No. Dear God, please no.
“Listen babe, I have to get going, but I had a lot of fun today. We should do it again sometime.” Before I can stop her, she puts her hands on my face and quickly kisses my lips.
Shit, shit, shit. This isn’t happening.
“Unbelievable.” My ex murmurs, turning around and heading straight for the door.
“Kayleigh, wait!” I follow closely behind her.
The two of us run out the door, down the porch steps, across the yard, and into the street. I can hear everyone else swarming out the door to see what’s going on, but I don’t care. My focus is on her.
“Please, don’t leave! You have to listen to me.”
She stops, and I need to react quickly to keep from running into her. Her face is beat red as she yells at me. “What, Holden? What the hell do you want from me?! You want me to be your emotional punching bag? The girl you can push away and pull back when it’s convenient for you? I’m not a god damn boomerang! I’m not always going to come back when you do something fucked up. If that’s what you want, then go be with one of the mindless freshman that fall at your feet, because that’s not me.”
I’m shocked, but I need to say something. “That’s not at all what I want, and you know it.”
“No. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know anything when it comes to you anymore. One minute you love me, the next you’re leaving me at a bar in Cabo or telling me to snort something up my nose. I can’t keep up with the back and forth, and I’m not going to pretend I can. So just tell me, what the fuck do you want?”
“I want you.” I tell her honestly, ignoring the tear that escapes from my eye.
She takes a step back, unconvinced. “Yeah, for today.”
“No.” I press. “Not just got today. Forever.”
Looking as if she thinks about it for only a second, she exhales and shakes her head. “I don’t believe you.”
She turns around and starts to walk away, and I feel as my entire universe is crashing down around me. She’s walking away, again. I’m losing her, again. I can’t. I need her. There must be something. We need to be together. She’s my everything. She’s my future.
“Kayleigh!” I shout, completely frantic. She stops, telling me she’s listening, but she doesn’t turn around. This is it. My last chance. Fucking say it. “Marry me.”
She stays ridiculously still, and the seconds pass slower than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. Finally, after what seems like forever, she moves. However, she doesn’t turn around like I hoped. Instead, she drops her head down and walks away – not even stopping once to look back at me.
She never answered.
I stand there, watching her until she fades into the darkness. All the pain I had last week - hell, over the last ten years - pales in comparison to this. She was my entire world, and I ruined her. I ruined us. There is only one thing to do now.
Turning back toward the house, I see my closest friends looking at me sympathetically. I avoid eye contact as I push past them, ignoring their comforting words and mumbling that I don’t want to talk about it. When I see a couple full bottles of hard alcohol on the counter, I gather them up in my hands before retreating upstairs and into my bedroom.
The pain is unbearable, and the only thing I can think to do is numb it. I bring the bottle to my lips, chugging until it’s completely gone. Ignoring the burning sensation in my throat, I toss it to the floor and grab the next one. I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve anyone.
The next day, I woke up in the hospital with a killer headache and had no idea how I got there. The only thing I noticed was Kayleigh, sound asleep with her head on the bed next to me. I hushed the doctor when he came in to explain everything. As far as I knew, the sooner she woke
up, the sooner she would be gone again. I was going to take every second I could get.
“Hey.” She greets me, her voice laced with sleep.
I pull myself from my thoughts and remember that she’s mine again. Since that day, she hasn’t left again, and I just needed to be patient. To be honest, she could have made me wait years and I wouldn’t have even considered walking away. Thankfully, it didn’t take that long.
“Good morning, beautiful.” I turn my head and place a soft kiss to her forehead.
She smiles tiredly before laying her head on my chest and falling back asleep. I don’t mind. I’d lie here all day if that’s what she wanted. I’m just glad she’s back in my arms.
I SEE MY PHONE light up, Brandon’s name appearing on my screen. I excuse myself from the conversation in the kitchen and go into the living room.
“Hey, man.” He says as soon as I put it to my ear.
“What’s up Bran?”
He snickers into the phone, telling me he knows something already. “May have just heard from a little birdie that you and Kayleigh are back on.”
I chuckle. “A little birdie by the name of Emily?”
“A good boyfriend never reveals his sources.” He jokes. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
“So.” He continues. “What are your plans now that you two are back together?”
I scrunch my eyebrows together, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you proposed to her, and she didn’t exactly said no. Is that something you still want?”
“Of course, it is.” I confirm. “That’s all I want, but I just got her back. I don’t really know if I should push it.”
Jo leans against the doorway, listening in to our conversation. I stick my tongue out at her playfully. She laughs at my good mood.
“Well, if it were up to me, I’d say go for it. She clearly loves you.” He remarks. “Whatever you want to do though bro.”
The thought of being engaged to Kayleigh makes me feel things I didn’t even know existed. The fear of rejection, however, still causes me to shiver. I’m not sure I could handle it if she turns me down again.
Seamless Forever (Sleepless November Saga Book 3) Page 3