Splintered Memory

by Natascha Holloway

  Charlie knew that she’d been obsessing over a past that she couldn’t remember, and she’d hoped that by planning for a future that was within her control she could help her mind heal. Yet the greatest difficulty in her life and a recurring theme in all of her sessions with Maria was Matt. She knew that whilst she’d begun to accept her life in the present, and had begun planning for a possible future where her memories might never return, Matt was less accepting of this. In fact it seemed to Charlie that he was less accepting of her altogether.

  She’d started to feel a growing sense that her presence in his life was becoming a burden on him. His previous patience and kindness that he’d shown in the initial few weeks of her moving home, had recently seemed to have been replaced by resentment and animosity. She’d heard the tone of his voice becoming harsher with her, and she’d felt his intolerance towards her grow.

  Charlie saw how he got annoyed with her when she asked him questions that she knew that she ought to know the answers to, but she hadn’t intentionally forgotten whether or not he took sugar in his drinks or for that matter if she did. She’d seen him slowly morphing from a man watching his wife with love and sympathy, to a man that was looking at a total stranger and wondering how he’d ended up with her in his life.

  She wanted desperately to do something about the situation. She wanted to improve it as she’d been able to do with her friends, but their relationship just seemed so much more complex. Any questions that she asked him about his life involved her. She couldn’t retract herself from a conversation with him. She couldn’t casually talk about what things were bothering him, because she knew what was bothering him. She was!

  Charlie knew that they needed to bond and to get to know each other again, but when she tried to talk to him about her sessions with Maria and her plans for the future she saw the hurt in his face and eyes. It grieved her to know that whilst she was finding some acceptance of what had happened, he was struggling with the fact that she was moving on and he was unable to.

  She knew that her presence in his life was taking a toll on him, and that the future he saw was far less optimistic than the one that she’d started to envisage was. She’d begged Maria to come down off the fence in their sessions and tell her how to fix things with him, and what to do to make him happy again, but as always Maria remained impartial and was careful not to make suggestions. She instead tried to encourage Charlie to try to work the situation out for herself.

  Charlie had contemplated leaving Matt. If she left she felt sure that she would be doing them both a favour. She’d get to start over and he’d get to have a life again, but every time that she made the decision to leave there was something that stopped her when she began to pack.

  There was something about him that she found strangely familiar, but when she’d tried to focus on what it was it had nearly drove her crazy. How could she leave him when he and this familiarity she felt might be the key to her memory? Yet as Matt’s demeanour had become more sombre, and his mood had deteriorated, the feeling of familiarity she felt had begun to dissipate.

  They had become paralysed in a domestic hell and she felt trapped, but she was too afraid to move forward and unable to remember their past in order for them to go back.

  Matt

  His relationship with his parents and friends had taken a rapid decline in the past few months. He had an increasing sense of apathy towards everything and everyone, and the only thing that did get him through each day was work.

  Rich had met him at the hospital to take him for a pint, but he’d only been able to stomach one before having to leave. Rich’s endless platitudes about Charlie had gotten on every nerve in his body. He’d gone on and on about how good things were between him and Bex. How great their wedding plans were coming along, and generally about how great his life was. As if this hadn’t been bad enough, and completely insensitive Matt had thought, he’d then started talking enthusiastically about Charlie’s recovery.

  “What recovery?” Matt had demanded.

  “Ah come on man, it’s like having the old Charlie back. She’s chilled out, she’s funny, and she laughs at all the same things that she used to. She’s like her old self again. You can just sit and chat with her for hours. You must know what I mean?” He’d asked.

  “No, I don’t know what you mean,” Matt had said angrily.

  How was it that Rich, and all their other friends, had found a way to reconnect with Charlie he’d asked himself? He’d tried but he hadn’t been able to. Was it because they were all willing to take her on face value, re-form new friendships with her based on the fact that she still had all the same qualities as the old Charlie he’d thought.

  If that was the case though, then why hadn’t he been able to? He was after all her husband. Wasn’t he supposed to love her more than everyone else? Yet despite knowing that he was, he knew that he just couldn’t see past the amnesia. He had no time for this new Charlie, no matter how nice, funny, or chilled out she was. He wanted the old Charlie back. He wanted his Charlie back. He wanted his wife back.

  Rich hadn’t responded, but had taken to drinking his pint at a renewed speed.

  Matt had slammed his empty glass down on the table and had walked out. He’d known that had he stayed any longer it was likely that he would’ve done something that he’d have regretted, like punching his best friend in the face, but outside he hadn’t known what to do. All he had known was that he hadn’t wanted to go home.

  He knew that Charlie would be sat on the sofa reading whatever book she’d decided to re-visit this week waiting for him to get in, and he knew that she was probably hoping to talk to him about her latest session with Maria and her hopes for the future.

  He was aware that he was being totally out of order, but being around Charlie was getting more and more painful with each passing day. She’d grown comfortable in his presence and in their home. She would smile at him with genuine sincerity whenever he came home, and she’d sit and chat merrily with him about her day and ask him questions about his.

  There had even been times when he’d been so completely taken in by this Charlie, when he had become a little too comfortable with the her, that he had found himself wanting to be near her again. Yet each time that he’d given in to this new Charlie, and he’d tried to connect with her or he’d tried to touch her face or even just her hand, her reaction had always been the same.

  She would panic and apologise profusely. She would jump up or move away, and she’d offer to make him a drink before she’d start apologising again. Matt always ended up feeling like shit, and his mood would spiral even lower, knowing that he’d allowed himself to be deluded into thinking that there was still a chance that their lives could ever return to normal.

  He was feeling increasingly lonely as it became clear that he and Charlie weren’t getting any closer, and he was starting to worry that his own recollection and memories of their past together were also beginning to fade. He felt isolated from his friends and family, and most days he woke feeling desperately low. Today had been no exception, and the pint with Rich had done little to raise his spirits.

  He wasn’t ready to go home, but he also couldn’t go back inside to drink with Rich. He pulled his scarf up around his neck and hugged his coat to him as he walked up the road to another pub. He wasn’t on call tonight, so he thought that he might as well lose himself in alcohol. This would at least afford him a few hours where he could forget the miserable state of his life.

  Charlie

  After three further sessions with Maria, in which Charlie had all but begged her for some advice. Maria finally caved in and spoke her mind about Charlie’s domestic situation with Matt.

  “You’re living in no man’s land,” she said. “You’ve taken steps to regain control of your life. You’ve reformed your friendships and you’re looking to enrol in college, but with Matt you insist on treading carefully. You’re being cautious, and you’re unwilling to test the ground on which you stand. You’ve said
time and time again that you feel reassured by his presence, and that you trust him. Yet when he makes steps to move your relationship forward, when he tries to bond with you on a physical level and potentially re-ignite the connection that you once shared, you reject him.”

  “Yes,” Charlie said nodding. “It just feels...” Yet she didn’t know what she thought it felt like.

  She’d often wanted to kiss Matt when he’d leant in towards her. There was no denying that he was incredibly attractive – gorgeous even, and she knew that she was attracted to him, but when it came to the crunch. When his face had come towards hers, she’d panicked and every time she’d shied away.

  “I think you’re scared,” Maria said; “and possibly, quite rightly. This is a man that’s known you intimately many times, and you have no memory of any one of those occasions. For you, it’ll be a new experience. It’s natural that you’re nervous, and I know that you’ll also be worried about how he’ll find the experience. But I think that you need to take this next step,” Maria said. “Then, and only then will you know if you can ever re-build any meaningful future with him.”

  Charlie looked at Maria, and feeling the rising panic creep up from her stomach she asked; “but what if I can’t remember how?”

  “Let him show you how. Let him guide you,” Maria said.

  Charlie felt petrified and she could see that her hands were visibly shaking.

  “Look Charlie,” Maria said. “You’re going to be scared, and truth be told so is he, but this is something that you should do. I’m not saying that as soon as he comes in the door you need to attack him.”

  Charlie laughed.

  “Maybe just talk to him about this. Talk to him about how you’re feeling, and about how he’s feeling. Maybe ask him about some of the times that you’ve been together in your past. Get comfortable and familiar with him about the subject. You were together a long time before your accident,” Maria said; “and I’m sure he won’t mind reminiscing with you.”

  Charlie nodded, but she knew that she wouldn’t be able to ask Matt about other times that they’d had sex. Just the thought of being this blunt about the subject sent shivers down her spine, and not in a good way. It wasn’t that she was a prude. She just didn’t have any confidence, and she honestly couldn’t imagine trying to find the right words to broach this subject with him.

  She needed to do something else, something more impulsive than just a conversation. Matt had tried to kiss her a few times before, maybe if she was just patient he’d try again.

  Charlie walked home after her session with Maria, and she contemplated calling one of her girlfriends. Wasn’t this the kind of conversation that she could have with one of them she wondered. The problem was though, was that she wasn’t sure if it was. Also even if she was sure she thought she didn’t know which one of them she could call. She really did hate not being able to remember.

  She tried hard to think back to all the notes that she’d made after her accident. She thought she remembered writing something down about her closest girlfriend being Claire. Yet this struck her as odd now that she’d come to think about it, as out of all of her friends Claire was the one that she’d seen the least. In fact she hadn’t seen or spoken to her since she’d left the hospital.

  Charlie took out her phone and scrolled through the pre-programmed numbers and lingered on Claire’s name. Claire had been to see Charlie a couple of times in the hospital, and both times she’d seemed bubbly and chatty, but since then Charlie hadn’t heard from her. Perhaps she’d been mistaken and they weren’t such good friends after all she thought.

  She returned her phone to her bag smiling and thinking about how embarrassing it would’ve been to have called this Claire, and tried to have this kind of a conversation with her, only to discover that they weren’t really friends at all but more casual acquaintances.

  Charlie’s thoughts returned to Matt and she decided that she would just play the waiting game. The next time that he showed any sign that he might touch her, or kiss her, she wouldn’t hold back. He really was incredibly good looking she thought, and then smiling to herself she imagined what it’d be like to kiss him and to see him naked.

  Matt

  He had a raging hangover, and knew instantly that he only had himself to blame. He put his hands over his eyes to shield some of the light that was pouring into the room, but as he did he noticed that there was nothing about this room that looked familiar to him. He slowly sat up and looked down at the pink duvet that was covering the bottom half of his body.

  Where the hell am I he thought?

  Matt heard the sound of a shower being turned on, and the noise of morning radio. He leant over the edge of the bed and saw his clothes heaped in a pile on the floor, and he saw that his watch was lying just to the right of them. He picked it up and saw that it was 10.15am.

  He leapt out of bed panicking about how late he was for work, and also fighting the urge to vomit. Sudden movement was obviously going to be a problem for him throughout the rest of the day he thought. Yet as he stood there taking some deeps breaths to try and keep the nauseous feelings at bay, he was slightly bewildered as to why he was completely naked. He never slept naked.

  Not wanting to give it any further thought for fear of what he might remember if he did, he hastily threw on his clothes and headed out of the bedroom. It was clear that he was not here alone, and it was pretty obvious from the state that he’d woken up and found himself in that he’d not spent the night alone. Again, he didn’t want to think about it. He was late, and he needed to get to the hospital.

  The front door was locked and needed a key to open it, but as he turned round to see if he could see where the key was he had a vivid flash back. He felt his stomach plunge, and he felt like his entire body had just plummeted twenty feet.

  He looked around, and he suddenly recognised the flat. He’d helped decorate this flat, but as he stood stock still staring at the walls in front of him he heard a familiar voice from behind him.

  “Morning,” Emily said. “I know you were pretty drunk last night, but you do know that we’ve both got the day off right?”

  “Emily,” he breathed turning to look at her.

  She was stood in the doorway of the bedroom with only a towel wrapped around her. Her long blonde hair was wet and hanging round her shoulders, and she was looking at him teasingly and he noticed that her blue eyes were shimmering.

  “What the hell am I doing here?” He asked desperately.

  “Thanks,” she said in a mock hurt kind of a voice.

  He shook his head disbelievingly. “We didn’t… did we?” He asked nodding towards the bedroom. Yet he already knew the answer from the vivid flashback that he’d just had, but he was praying to god that she’d be able to correct him.

  Emily’s face suddenly changed from a flirty teasing demeanour, and was instantly replaced with her own version of a look of disbelief.

  “You don’t remember?” She asked sounding betrayed and hurt in equal measure.

  “Oh my god,” Matt said.

  “Oh my god,” Emily said walking into the living room and perching on the arm of the only comfy chair in the room.

  “What were you thinking?” He demanded. “Couldn’t you see I was completely paralytic?”

  “No,” she said defensively. “You seemed fine. You were a little drunk obviously, but not paralytic by any means.”

  “Huh,” he said.

  “Fuck you,” she retorted. But then to his horror she started to cry.

  He didn’t move. He just stood there staring at her and hoping that she would stop crying.

  She sniffled and said; “I was in the pub with James. A few of us had gone for a drink at the end of our shift. You came in later and joined us but you weren’t drunk, or at least you didn’t seem it.”

  Matt had absolutely no memory of seeing either Emily or James in the pub, but how many pubs had he been in by that stage he wondered.

  “I was getting re
ady to leave at about eleven, and you said you’d walk me home. I told you I was fine,” Emily said; “but you said Charlie would kill you if you didn’t.”

  Matt felt like his body had just plummeted twenty feet again at the mention of Charlie’s name.

  “We didn’t talk that much on the way home. It was cold, and we both had our chins tucked into our scarves and coats. When we got back I asked if you wanted to come in for a coffee or something, and you said,” but Emily didn’t get to say what he’d said because he said it instead.

  “Just for coffee though,” Matt said quietly. It was all coming back to him now. It was all coming back in a dreadful torrent of remorse and regret.

  Emily nodded, but she wasn’t looking at him.

  Matt now remembered coming up to her flat, and how that conversation had ended. He also recalled being the one to initiate everything that had happened between them, and he started to feel increasingly sick.

  “I think I’d better go,” he said.

  “Wait!” Emily said standing up, her eyes now firmly upon his face. “If you remember coming in, and what you said, then you must remember,” but she stopped talking as her face flashed bright red with embarrassment.

  Matt’s own face flushed too as he understood what she was alluding to. He remembered her telling him that she was a virgin.

  He couldn’t believe it. When he’d walked into this room minutes earlier to leave, he’d honestly thought that he’d been drunkenly taken advantage of. He now knew though, that he’d been the one doing the taking advantage last night.

  A few awkward moments of silence passed, but then knowing that all he wanted to do was to go home he said; “I’m really sorry.”

  He turned back towards the door, and Emily appeared by his side with the key. She unlocked it for him and let him out, but as he left he heard her begin to sob loudly. He considered knocking on the door so that he could console her, or at least apologise, but as he hovered at her front door all he could think about was Charlie.