Splintered Memory

by Natascha Holloway

  “Yes,” he said feeling suddenly choked with emotion. Then out of nowhere tears began running down his face.

  He pushed Charlie off him, and he walked out of their room and into the bathroom where he grabbed his discarded clothes. Once downstairs, he put his clothes on and left the house. He didn’t know where he was going, but he just knew that he had to get away from the house and away from Charlie.

  How had things in his life gone this wrong he thought? His perfect marriage had been wrecked by an accident, and everything had fallen apart. Yet now just as it seemed that his wife had had a kind of break through, and had found a way to trust him, what had he done? He’d cheated on her with a colleague. To add insult to injury that colleague was his wife’s friend, and someone he knew had been harbouring a crush on him since she’d started at the hospital.

  On top of everything, he’d drunkenly and recklessly taken Emily’s virginity in a night that he knew he’d regret forever.

  Emily

  She could see the terrible toll that the situation was having on Matt, and in truth she felt guilty for not having been to visit Charlie. The problem was though, that Emily wasn’t sure she’d know what to say if she did visit.

  Emily – unlike Charlie’s other friends, had only know Charlie for a short time before the accident, and she wasn’t sure she knew how to reform a friendship with her. In fact she wasn’t entirely sure she still knew how to form friendships at all. She was also very aware that Charlie had been the one to form theirs.

  Aside from the friendships issues though, were her constant feelings of guilt. Emily knew deep down that there was that there was a part of her – a part that she didn’t like to acknowledge existed, that didn’t actually want to Charlie to recover. She was in love with Matt and she occasionally thought, but then chided herself immediately afterwards for thinking it, that if Charlie never recovered then maybe she had a chance to be with him.

  The relationship between Matt and Charlie was clearly disintegrating, and this was apparent to more people than just Emily. She’d overheard a concerned Nurse Willis discussing the situation with Oak, and both of them had been worried about how Matt would deal with the blow when he finally accepted that Charlie’s memory may never return.

  Matt’s sorry situation did have certain advantages for Emily though, much to her delight and later shame when the guilt set in. She noticed for example that he was arguing more and more with his inner sanctum of friends, and that he was barely on speaking terms with either his or Charlie’s parents. He was isolating himself from everyone that had been a part of his and Charlie’s lives, and Emily was fast becoming his only shoulder to cry on.

  On the fourth straight day that she’d found him staring up at the ceiling, from flat on his back on the couch in the doctor’s lounge, she asked him; “penny for them?”

  “Not sure they’re worth that much actually,” he said.

  “Aaah come on, it can’t be that bad,” she said walking over to him. She then sat down next to him, and put her hands confidently and assuredly on top of his and gave them a little squeeze. Yet he merely looked at her.

  “Things still not good at home,” she said tilting her head slightly to one side concernedly.

  “Nope,” he said; “things are crap at home.”

  “Wanna talk about it?” Emily asked.

  “Nope, do you know what I want to do? Go out and get hammered, and have a conversation that doesn’t involve me updating people on the medical status of my wife’s memory. Or for that matter, trying to reassure people that we’re still hopeful and that things between us are fine. When did our private relationship become public entertainment?” He asked bitterly.

  “No one thinks its entertainment,” Emily answered. “People just care about the two of you is all.”

  “Whatever,” he said sounding like a petulant child which made Emily smile.

  “My shifts over in twenty minutes,” she said; “I’ll come and watch you get hammered if you like.”

  “Drinking is not a spectator sport,” he replied. “Come on Doctor Peters, think of me as a patient and the only treatment that’ll save me is alcohol.”

  “Er yeah,” she said sarcastically; “because alcohol’s always the cure.”

  “Precisely,” he answered nodding and raising his eyebrows with a glint in his eyes.

  Emily felt the familiar feeling of her heart skipping a beat when he smiled that amazing smile of his at her, but unfortunately she’d been paged to deal with an incoming emergency five minutes before the end of her shift. When she’d gone back to the lounge afterwards, Matt had gone.

  That night, she’d been relieved that Matt had left because she’d felt awful for some of the things that she’d been thinking. Charlie had been her friend. What kind of person tries to take advantage of their friend’s husband, especially when that friend is ill she’d asked herself?

  She’d gotten drunk that night as she’d sat alone in her flat, and she’d known exactly what kind of person took advantage of that type of situation. She did.

  ***

  Emily had, after her drunken realisation about the kind of person that she’d become, cut back on the hours that she was spending at the hospital unnecessarily. She’d known that she’d been staying around after her shifts were over to lend a hand just so that she could spend some extra time with Matt, and she knew that that had to stop. She’d also tried to avoid having as much contact with him as was possible. She obviously couldn’t be trusted in his presence, and so she thought that the best thing that she could do for him was to stay away from him.

  She’d just finished a fourteen hour shift, and she’d been on her way home for the night when she’d been collared into going for a drink with James and a couple of nurses.

  “I’m not staying long though okay? I’m knackered,” she’d said.

  An hour later though, she was sat in the pub drinking her second glass of wine and feeling much more relaxed. She’d finished her first glass quickly wanting to leave, but as she’d been about to go Matt had come in and had joined them all.

  Emily noticed that for the first time in a long time Matt appeared to be in a good mood. He looked like he was enjoying himself, and he was laughing and joking and doing shots with the nurses. She went and sat by him when Shannon, one of the nurses in the group, got up to go to the ladies.

  “You seem happy,” she said as he dispatched another shot.

  “You don’t,” he replied smiling cheekily at her and passing her a shot to drink.

  She smiled and drank it, and then immediately pulled a face which made him laugh.

  “Shut up,” she said childishly. But this only made him laugh again.

  She was about to elbow him in the ribs to make him stop laughing at her, when she saw Shannon shooting her evil looks. She’d come back to the table, and was obviously waiting for her to move out of what had been her seat. Emily glanced at Matt and then moved. She’d already noticed that Shannon had returned to the table with shots for just her and Matt.

  Emily hadn’t felt particularly comfortable watching Shannon letch all over Matt and so she’d decided to leave, but as she was putting her coat on she saw Matt stop talking to Shannon and come over to her. She smiled at him, and he offered to walk her home.

  “It’s really not necessary Matt, I’ll be fine. I only live five minutes away,” she said.

  “No I should walk you home. Charlie wouldn’t be impressed if she found out that I hadn’t. Plus I’ve had enough,” he said; “anymore shots and I’ll be explaining to Charlie why I’m hurling in the bathroom.”

  She laughed and agreed to let him walk her home, but as they walked towards her flat she could see him looking at her from out of the corner of her eyes and it was making her feel nervous.

  The walk to her flat was uncomfortable, and it was spent mostly in silence. Emily didn’t really know what to say to him, and he didn’t seem eager to strike up a conversation either.

  “We’re here,” Emi
ly said gratefully as she pointed to her front door. “Do you want to come in, for a coffee or something?” Yet she instantly regretted asking him that.

  Matt smiled at her and she blushed. “Just for coffee though?” He asked before winking at her, and Emily felt her cheeks getting hotter as she unlocked the door to her building.

  They began to walk up the stairs to her flat, and as they did Matt put his hand on her hip. Her heart skipped a beat, but she told herself to think nothing of it. When they stopped again so that she could unlock her front door she felt him press his body up against hers, but again she told herself to think nothing of it. She took a couple of steps inside and she felt him grab her. He pushed her back against the door, and she heard it close with a snap. His face was now just inches from hers, and she could feel his breath on her face.

  He smiled at her, and then very suddenly he kissed her and Emily felt exhilarated. This was something that she’d fantasised about from the moment that she’d met him. She remembered shaking his hand and feeling embarrassed that she’d blushed, taken aback by how good looking he was. She’d hoped that he hadn’t sensed her attraction to him straightaway, and she’d gone out of her way to avoid eye contact with him over the next few weeks.

  Whilst she’d lived with him and Charlie, she’d tried to avoid seeing him when he was coming out of the shower or just coming in from a run. She’d always been terrified that her facial expression would make a mockery of her attempts to conceal her feelings for him, and she’d been convinced that she’d have to leave their house through the embarrassment at how she would have stared at him.

  At this thought Emily’s mind lingered on Charlie, and she pulled away from Matt and she tried to push him away from her. She knew that he’d regret this in the morning, and that she wouldn’t. As she pushed him back though, he leant forwards and overpowered her arms to kiss her again. Yet this time when he kissed her, he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her to him.

  Again she tried to push him away, but he looked her squarely in the face and she was lost in his hazel eyes. She tried desperately to maintain her composure, but when he smiled at her she felt her heart pound against her chest as though trying to escape. He moved forward towards her once more, but this time he did so incredibly slowly and she felt like she’d been frozen to the spot by his eyes. She felt like she wasn’t breathing as she watched his face draw near, and it was impossible not to take in the full extent of his devastatingly handsome features.

  She knew that the battle with her conscience was over. He had defeated her. She felt guilty that she hadn’t put up much of a resistance, but she had put up some and that would have to make her feel better for the betrayal that she knew that she was about to do to Charlie.

  Matt kissed her and pulled her towards him again, and this time she didn’t try to stop him. Instead, she lightly touched his face and then ran her fingers through his hair.

  As the heat between them intensified, Emily felt herself being pulled over towards her sofa. Matt sat down and pulled her forwards so that she was sat astride him, and Emily felt nervous. If this carried on then there was only one way for it to play out, and as much as she wanted him – had fantasised about him, she was riddled with anxiety. She was a virgin, and there was no way that she was going to be able to hide this from him. She knew that she was going to have to tell him.

  He stood them both up, and as he began peeling off her clothes she whispered the awful truth into his ear. “This will be my first time.”

  He misunderstood her though, and he smiled and replied huskily; “yeah I know. Mine too.”

  Emily held his face in her hands and said softly; “I don’t just mean with you.”

  He looked momentarily taken aback, but then he smiled at her reassuringly and continued kissing her neck and undressing her. When she was completely naked he sat back down on the sofa, his shirt open and his trousers undone.

  Emily wished that he’d also gotten undressed, and she had a very faint feeling of vulnerability by the imbalance of the situation. She was completely naked and he was still fully clothed. Yet as he lowered her down onto him, she felt both the exhilaration of the moment and also the slight pain and discomfort that she knew was normal to experience the first time.

  She was pleased that Matt didn’t seem disappointed with her, and when they moved from the sofa to the bedroom she was able to explore him further. This time he completely undressed, dumping his clothes at the side of her bed and making her feel much more relaxed with him. He also took complete control, and she was happy to let him. She was happy to succumb to his experience, and she was astounded by the pleasures that until this moment she’d only been able to fantasise about.

  When he was spent and fell asleep, Emily lay on her side watching him. She stroked his cheek, and kissed him lightly on the lips from time to time. She knew that this would be a night that she would never forget, and she only hoped that he wouldn’t have any regrets once the sun came up.

  Charlie

  She’d waited for Matt to come back into the bedroom, but when she’d heard the front door slam she’d gotten up and put her dressing gown on. She felt confused, and she didn’t know what she’d done to make him react the way he had. She walked into the bathroom, put the plug in the bath, and then turned the taps on.

  Charlie sat on the edge of the bath and watched it slowly fill, but when it was still half empty she took off her robe and sank into the water leaving the taps running. She hoped that the hot water would take away all of her problems, but she wasn’t optimistic. As the water continued to rise, she leant forward and turned the taps off. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them tightly, but as she sat there – naked and alone, her emotions overcame her and she rested her head on her knees and began to sob.

  When Charlie finally felt ready to lift herself out of the bath, the water in it’d gone cold. She felt that her sadness had dissipated a little, but it had instead been replaced by embarrassment and anger.

  She was embarrassed because she knew that she’d have to face Matt when he came home, and they’d have to address what had caused him to react the way that he had towards her. Yet as the image of him getting up and leaving her on the bed shot through her mind again, she felt mortified and she shook her head to try and chase the memory away. Had she really been that bad she panicked? She’d thought that the sex had been good, but perhaps she’d been a disappointment for him she worried.

  Charlie left the bathroom and walked into the bedroom, but as she did she knew that she was feeling increasingly angry. She was angry with Matt, but equally she was angry with Maria and with herself.

  She’d given her husband what she felt sure that he’d wanted for months, but this is how he’d reacted she asked herself? She’d taken a chance, and it had ended badly. Now she only wished that she hadn’t bothered, but she knew that she needed and was looking for someone other than herself to blame. She just wasn’t sure who that person should be. Maria had encouraged her to do this she thought, but then Matt had been the one who’d made her feel like she did now.

  Charlie picked up her pyjamas, and the book that she was reading which was on her bedside table, and she went into the spare room. She shut the door behind her and sat down on the bed. She knew that she didn’t want to go on feeling this way. Her actions had been intended to solve their problems, not make them worse.

  She had nested all of her hopes in this plan working. Yet not only had it failed, it had also dashed any hopes that she’d had that it might help restore her memory. She was tired, and she was unsure of how much more of this she could or should be expected to take. She couldn’t go on living and sleeping next to a stranger, trying to live a life that she didn’t recognise or know, and she began to feel angry again. She hated that this was what she was letting her life be. She hated that she felt alone, and increasingly lonely. She hated her life.

  Charlie had seen everyone watching her, looking for signs that she was getting be
tter. Matt continually searched her eyes and face for a connection that he’d obviously once felt with her, but the watching, the waiting, the continual anticipation of all those around her was just too much. She’d reached breaking point, and even the faint feeling of familiarity that she got from Matt no longer seemed like a valid reason for her to stay. Enough was finally enough.

  She lay on the bed knowing what she needed to do. She had to give up trying to remember who she was, or who she’d once been. She had to stop trying to be the Charlie that everyone remembered her being. Her memory had been wiped clean, and she needed to accept that and start afresh. She needed to let herself be the Charlie she was now.

  Matt

  He was sat with his back resting against the wall wishing that his shift was over. He found being in the hospital tedious, and his patience with those that were looking to him for comfort, guidance, and reassurance, short. When he wasn’t at work he wished he was, and when he was at work he wished he wasn’t. Time had begun to move in ways that had no meaning to him anymore, and little by little he was wishing away every second of every day.

  Work had always been a safe haven for Matt. He’d taken comfort in the chaos of life as an A&E doctor. The challenge of the unpredictable crisis had always made his heart beat quicker with adrenaline, and he thrived on the back to back emergencies that often kept him working fifteen or sixteen hours straight. Yet as he sat waiting for the final few minutes of his twelve hour shift to lapse, he contemplated walking away from the hospital and medicine for good.

  Since Charlie had left him, he hadn’t been the same person. He knew it, and he also knew that it was plainly obvious for all those around him to see. His life had fallen into disarray, but he’d already gone well past the point of caring.

  Matt felt his pager vibrate against his side and he contemplated tossing it to one side, but as the thought passed – just as it always did, he reached inside his coat pocket and took out two small bottles of tablets. He took a handful of each and tossed them into his mouth as he got up and strode through the doors towards the A&E.