Splintered Memory
Page 21
She’d said it was because it was closer to work, but Claire had known it was so that she could be alone. She’d known that Charlie was changing, and she was becoming unrecognisable.
Initially Claire had been hurt, but she’d realised that Charlie had lashed out at her because she was the only person she had left in her life to lash out at. Foolishly, it hadn’t been up until that point that Claire had realised just how much her best friend had lost as a result of her accident.
Before their argument she’d only quantified Charlie’s loss in terms of Matt and her marriage, but she’d lost much more than that. Charlie had stopped speaking to anyone from Cheddar aside from Claire. She’d moved away from all of her and Matt’s old university friends, and from her friends from where she’d worked since uni.
Charlie’s social life in London revolved around Claire and her friends, and Claire had realised that she ought to have known that Charlie would never have been comfortable with this. She’d lived her entire life, up until the accident at least, at the centre of one group of friends.
Claire had finally seen that it was time to put their friendship on the line for the sake of Charlie’s happiness. The risk had become worth it, she’d already started to lose Charlie and their friendship. She had to tell Matt about Charlie’s memory, and damn the potential consequences of her doing so.
***
Adam had tried to talk Claire out of going to Birmingham since the moment she’d told him that’s what she was planning to do, but Claire had known in her bones that it was the right thing to do. That said, as she drove Adam’s car up to Birmingham she felt an increasing sense of doubt and nervousness rising within her.
She knew that she didn’t have a good relationship with Matt, and telling him something that was likely to have a detrimental effect on his life wasn’t going to be easy. She also knew that she had to avoid being callous or cold, but that said she knew that she couldn’t plan a conversation with Matt. He had a tendency of rubbing her up the wrong way, and she had a tendency of reacting to that by trying to deliberately score cheap points with hurtful comments. Their friendship had always been this way.
Claire called at the house first, but there was no one home. She was only grateful that Emily hadn’t been in, and she wasn’t sure what she’d have said to her if she had been. As she walked to the hospital, she really wasn’t sure if her coming to see Matt was such a good idea after all.
“Can I help you?” The young woman behind the reception desk asked Claire as she leant on the desk to ask for some assistance.
“Yes. Can you tell me where I might find Matthew Grayson?” Claire asked politely.
“Do you mean Dr Grayson?” The receptionist asked, looking almost reproachfully at Claire for not having asked for him in an appropriate manner.
“Yes, Dr Grayson. Is he working today?” Claire asked.
“Yes,” the receptionist said simply.
“Can I speak with him?” Claire asked already starting to feel a little irritated with this woman.
“What’s it in regards to?” The receptionist asked.
“It’s a personal matter,” Claire said.
“I’ll page him for you,” the receptionist said; “but you might just have to wait a few minutes.”
“Okay. Well I’ll just wait over there then,” Claire said pointing at the nearest set of blue plastic chairs. The receptionist nodded, indicating that this was an acceptable place for her to wait.
Claire sat down on the uncomfortable blue chairs to wait for Matt, and as she waited she felt anxious and she began fiddling with her fingertips and nails.
She saw Matt walk over to the reception desk and speak to the receptionist, before turning to look at her. Claire found it strange to see him in his doctor’s coat. A doctor was just such a grownup job she thought almost smiling, and even though she was well aware that they were all grownups she still found it much easier to picture them all as teenagers.
Matt didn’t exactly look pleased to see her as he walked over to where she was sat, and she told herself to be polite.
“Claire,” he said sounding a little cold.
“Matt, or is it Dr Grayson here?” She asked trying to lighten the atmosphere between them.
“Matt’s fine,” he said; “but why are you here?”
“It’s about Charlie,” Claire said. Yet she knew as soon as she’d said that that she shouldn’t have opened with that statement. She saw Matt’s face go ghostly white.
“She’s okay,” Claire said quickly and feeling pleased when some of the colour returned to his face. “I just need to talk to you about her that’s all. Is there somewhere we can go?” She asked.
Matt looked a little confused, but he nodded. He then led her down a corridor away from the reception area. At the bottom of the corridor they turned right, and then they went down another long corridor. Claire hated hospitals. She hated the way that they were a maze of long white corridors with plastic floors and fluorescent lighting.
As they neared the bottom of yet another long corridor, Matt walked into an office and Claire saw from the name on the front of the door that it was his. Matt sat down at his desk, and he indicated for Claire to sit down opposite him. She closed the door, walked over to his desk, and sat down in the seat that he’d indicated to.
They looked at each other for what felt like an age, before Matt finally broke the silence and said; “you said that you wanted to speak to me about Charlie.”
Claire nodded and said; “yeah I do. But firstly I just want to say that I know we don’t have the best relationship, and I know that you don’t exactly like me.”
Matt made a derisive sound as though he’d just pushed air through his nose.
Claire ignored it and told herself to stay calm. “Anyway I hope that you know that in spite of that, and all of our differences of opinions and whatever, I love Charlie to pieces. She’s my best friend, and I’d never do anything to hurt her,” Claire said pausing to take a deep breath. She knew that she was talking far too quickly, and that she was running her words together.
Matt didn’t say anything, but he carried on looking at Claire as though he was unsure of where she was going with this conversation.
“I wanted to tell you this months ago, and I very nearly did tell you at the wedding,” she said as he sat further forward and leant his elbows on his desk and looked at her with clear misgivings.
“Charlie… Charlie,” Claire tried to say again. But she just couldn’t bring herself to say it.
“Is divorcing me,” Matt said at the same time as opening his desk drawer and taking out some papers. He then threw them down on his desk.
Claire looked at the papers in front of her feeling more than a little sidetracked. She’d known that Charlie had been to see a divorce lawyer, but she hadn’t realised that things had progressed this far. What was Charlie doing she thought?
“As you can see,” he said tartly; “this is information I already know. If you’re here to rush me to sign them, you can tell her that I’m having them looked at. I’ll sign them in my own time.”
“No, I’m not here about this. I knew that she’d been to see a divorce lawyer,” Claire said honestly; “but I didn’t know that she was this serious about it.”
Matt didn’t speak, but instead he picked up the papers and put them back in his drawer.
“Matt,” Claire said making him look up at her. “I know why she’s doing this.”
“Let me guess,” he said tonelessly; “she’s seeing someone new. So she wants to formally end a marriage and a life that she can’t remember anything of.”
“No. She’s not seeing anyone,” Claire said; “and the thing is, she can remember.”
Claire was annoyed at herself for the way that she was doing this. It wasn’t the way that she’d planned to tell him, and she knew that she wasn’t exactly been tactful in her approach.
Matt looked at her disbelievingly and asked scathingly; “what can she remember?”
When he said nothing she continued; “she came to London about seven months after she left you. She’d been living back at home in Cheddar, surrounded by stuff from our past, and when she came to see me she had her memory back. I was as shocked as what you are now, but she remembers everything. She asked if she could live with me, and she told me that she already had some job interviews lined up. Matt, she’s working as a solicitor again and everything.”
Matt looked shocked. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t her parents, my parents, or even you tell me before now? Why didn’t Charlie tell me?” He asked sounding genuinely hurt.
“She’s sworn everyone that knows to secrecy, and to be honest I’m not sure your parents know! I wanted to tell you, but Charlie begged me not to. Also I think you saw for yourself how she reacted when she saw me talking to you at Rich and Bex’s wedding,” Claire said.
“But why wouldn’t she tell me?” He asked looking as hurt now as he sounded, and Claire saw that his eyes were filling with tears.
“She came to tell you, almost as soon as it happened. Harry drove her straight up here to speak to her doctors, and when they gave her the all clear she went straight to the house to look for you,” Claire said hoping that he could figure out the rest of what had happened so that she wouldn’t have to tell him.
“So what she just got to the house and changed her mind? Thought sod it, he’s only my husband. I’ve only spent half my life with him, he doesn’t need to know?” He asked angrily.
“They thought you were out,” Claire said; “so they waited outside in the car. You know what Charlie’s like, she wasn’t just going to let herself in and shock you when you came home from work. But the thing is. You weren’t at work. You were in, and when you left the house you weren’t alone. You were with…” but Matt interrupted her knowing what she was about to say.
“Emily,” he said.
Claire thought that he was doing well now to keep his tears at bay, and she said almost sympathetically; “yeah. Charlie and her dad watched you kiss her, and head off smiling and holding hands. Charlie decided not to tell you at that point. She hasn’t said this to me, but I think she feels guilty for all the pain that she caused you in the six months after the accident. She didn’t want to hurt you again. So when it looked to her like you’d moved on with your life, she decided to let you be.”
“That’s the real reason why she wasn’t shocked to see me at the wedding with Emily?” He asked sounding choked, and Claire nodded.
“Why are you telling me this now?” Matt demanded his emotion turning from shock to anger.
“Because I think Charlie’s making a huge mistake,” Claire said.
“What mistake?” Matt said loudly.
“Not telling you. She’s being selfless, and sweet, and kind. She’s putting everyone else’s needs and feelings before her own. She wants you to be happy,” Claire said feeling her own anger rising; “and she’s scared to death of hurting you again, but she’s making herself miserable.”
“She’s miserable?” Matt asked sounding concerned again and the anger in his voice ebbed away.
“Yes. She just works all the time or sits in her room alone. She won’t go out, and she refuses to try and move on with her life. She’s stopped going on dates, and she refuses to accept my advice that she should come back here and fight for you! Instead she just bottles it all up,” Claire said; “and then she cries when she thinks I’m out or I can’t hear her.”
“You told her that she should come here and fight for me?” Matt asked sounding genuinely surprised and smiling slightly.
Claire rolled her eyes but returned his smile. “Look. I’m actually quite a nice person, and believe it or believe it not she’s my best friend. I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for her. It’s just taken me a long while to realise,” she said; “and then to accept, that you’re what’s best for her.”
Matt smiled but didn’t say anything. Then after a few minutes of silence, in which Claire could have sworn that she’d seen numerous different emotions cross his face, he seemed to compose himself. He opened his desk drawer and took out the divorce papers again.
“Do you want me to give them back to Charlie, tell her you won’t sign?” Claire asked him smiling.
“No,” Matt said taking a pen from out the front of his coat pocket and opening up the papers.
“What are you doing?” Claire asked sounding horrified as she watched him sign them.
“I’m giving Charlie what she wants in order to move on with her life,” he said with no emotion in his voice or trace of expression on his face.
“You’re divorcing her?” Claire asked.
“Well technically I believe she’s divorcing me,” he said still without the slightest show of emotion in either his voice or in his face.
“But I just told you that Charlie, your Charlie has her memory back. How does that make it okay to divorce her? You were having doubts, but now that she’s all recovered you want out?” Claire asked feeling both confused and angry.
“She’s made a choice, and I’m choosing to respect that. I also have someone in my life now that I need to consider. I think it’s best that Charlie never know that I know though. Once we’re divorced,” Matt said calmly; “I very much doubt that we’ll need to see each other again.”
“And you don’t care that she’s alone and miserable?” Claire demanded rising up from her chair.
“Charlie won’t be alone forever Claire, trust me. She’ll find someone who’ll make her happy, and he’ll be a lucky guy,” he said flatly handing Claire the divorce papers.
Claire grabbed them off him, picked up her bag from the floor, and headed over to the door. As she opened it, she turned back around to look at the man that she’d so evidently misjudged.
“I can honestly say that I’ve never hated you, until now that is. She seemed happy with you, but you really are a joke. I knew she should’ve stuck with Rich, but maybe when she finds hubby number two he’ll value her more than you do. Who knows I may even get along with him, it’ll help I suppose if he’s nothing like you,” she said irately before slamming the door behind her.
Claire walked down the corridor, but when she reached the bottom she forgot which way she was supposed to go to get out. She all but screamed at a passing nurse for instructions, and then felt momentarily guilty that she might’ve just made an innocent stranger cry.
She couldn’t believe that she’d risked her friendship with Charlie, but she’d done it because she’d believed that Matt would drop everything once he knew the truth. Yet he hadn’t, and now she felt like shit. Worse still, she was carrying Charlie’s divorce papers with no idea of how she was going to explain this to Charlie.
The only thing that she knew for sure was that she wasn’t going to tell her that she’d been to see Matt. Charlie had been hurt enough, and she didn’t deserve to know that Matt had chosen Emily over her. She deserved instead to believe as Claire had done before today. She deserved to believe that Matt would come after her in a heartbeat the moment he knew about her memory.
Matt
One of the lessons that Matt had found the hardest to learn when he’d been training to be a doctor, was how to deliver bad news to patients or to the families of a deceased, dying, or critically injured patient. Matt had struggled with this in his first year as a doctor, and he’d taken the emotional strains and stresses home with him.
Charlie had often sat up with him, and she’d let him talk himself out about patients he’d lost. When she’d been able to see that the emotions of his shift were too raw or painful for him to want to speak about, she’d just sit and hold his hand or lie in his arms. As time had gone on though, he had become immune to the reactions of his patients and their families. He’d supposed that he’d grown hard hearted in a way, but it was understandable to some extent in his profession he’d thought.
He’d learned
to control his own emotions and not to let his face betray him by showing signs of concern, remorse, or sympathy. He’d found that his own emotion didn’t help the patients or the families of the patient, and he’d learned that many reactions would be prompted by his own. If he showed nothing, then often the reaction was either subdued or just one of silent shock.
As he sat there hearing the revelation about Charlie’s recovery his brain went into over drive. His first reaction had been one of relief. Finally his living nightmare could come to an end. He could get Charlie back, and his life could go back to how it had been before the accident. Yet as he’d thought this, he’d also thought about his betrayal of her.
He’d pictured the moment when she’d come to find him to share her news with him, and she’d found him in the arms of another woman. The thought had turned his stomach, and alongside this thought was the knowledge that if they were to get back together he’d have to tell her the truth about everything. He’d have to tell her about his affair with Emily before she’d moved out, his drug addiction, his drinking, and all the one night stands that he’d had after she’d left him.
Matt was terrified that when she learnt the truth about the man that he’d been whilst she’d been recovering, she’d no longer want him in her life. He couldn’t face the thought of her rejecting him, or of her looking at him any differently from how she’d always looked at him when she discovered the type of man that he’d been in her absence. He also knew that he needed to consider Emily. He couldn’t just abandon her. He owed her more than that. She’d saved him from himself when he’d been at his lowest, and she’d been by his side every day since then.
As the realities of the decisions that he needed to make, ran through his head like a series of headlines on the bottom of a live news report. He knew that he didn’t need Claire to see his vulnerabilities. Whatever reaction he gave her he knew that she would feed it back to Charlie, and he couldn’t bear the thought of Charlie thinking that he’d chosen Emily over her.