Acquired Tastes

by Simone Mondesir

  It wasn't that she wanted Fergus back - how could she? Whatever her feelings towards him, his behaviour with Vanessa had made it quite clear that he did not feel the same way towards her. However, she did want to make sure he was all right. Whatever Zelda said, Alicia did not believe that Fergus was the guilty party and the more she thought about it, the more she was convinced that everything that had happened had been Vanessa's doing.

  Men were easily led astray. Wasn't that what Vanessa always said when she boasted about her sexual conquests? Even married men weren't immune to her wiles, so why should Fergus be? Alicia had always known what Vanessa was really like - she had just been too stupidly loyal to admit it.

  How many times had Vanessa said, 'don't worry, trust me' and she always had, despite the fact that it always ended with her in trouble while Vanessa walked away scot free. It was always the same, Vanessa would ignore her for months and only discover that Alicia was her best friend when she was in trouble and needed her help.

  'It's all right for you,' Vanessa wailed, 'you're such a goody-goody, but I've got so many bad marks against me they might even expel me. Reverend Mother said she would last time.'

  Alicia had been thoroughly frightened at the thought of losing her best, her only friend. 'They wouldn't, would they?'

  Vanessa nodded. 'I told Sister Cecilia the booby trap was somebody else's idea and I just happened to be in the room when it went off, but she wouldn't believe me. It wasn't really dangerous. I just mixed up some stuff from the chemistry lab with a bit of itching powder. I wanted to give Lucy a bit of a fright. She's so stuck up, always going on about her country house and her silly horses,' Vanessa sniffed.

  Alicia put a comforting arm round her shoulders. 'Supposing I said it was my idea, do you think they would expel me?'

  Vanessa's tears dried instantly. 'Of course not. You've got such a good record, what can they do to you? Trust me, Alicia, you'll walk it.'

  But she hadn't.

  'We have always considered it our duty to allow girls like you to come to St Aloysius.' Reverend Mother's steel-blue eyes had seemed to pierce Alicia's very soul. 'But knowing the backgrounds many of you scholarship girls come from, we know we are taking a considerable risk. However, it is our sacred duty to help the less fortunate, and I have always been of the opinion that rather than lower our standards, we should seek to raise the standards of the girls placed in our care.'

  There were a few moments of silence as Reverend Mother's eyes continued to bore into Alicia. She had looked down at her shoes and realised that they needed cleaning, another black mark.

  'What saddens me about this whole affair, Alicia, is that I thought we had succeeded with you. Your schoolwork is excellent, and up until now, your conduct exemplary. According to Sister Cecilia, this was a carefully planned attack which could have led to real physical injury, or at least terrible shock. If it had happened in a moment of high spirits, I would have considered it less reprehensible, although still punishable. But what makes this breach of discipline so much worse is that not only does it make your past record questionable, but you were prepared to let another girl, Vanessa Sprunt, take the blame for it. In some ways, that is worse than the offence itself. What have you to say for yourself?'

  Alicia had been silent. Her throat felt as though it was gripped in a vice and she couldn't speak.

  'Dumb insolence will only make your position worse.' Reverend Mother's voice was relentless. 'If your parents had been in the country, I think I would have asked them to come and take you away, so that we could offer your place to a more deserving girl.'

  Silent tears had begun to course down Alicia's burning cheeks.

  'Use your handkerchief child!'

  Alicia blew her nose noisily and wiped her eyes.

  Reverend Mother's voice, revealing an Irish lilt, became softer. 'Is it that your parents are so far away that's made you behave so badly?'

  Alicia miserably shook her head and Reverend Mother's sympathy vanished. She stood up and walked round her desk, placing her hands on Alicia's shoulders. Her fingers dug into Alicia's flesh, forcing her to look up into the nun's face.

  'You will forego all weekend privileges until the end of term, and I shall ask your house mother to put you on morning and evening cleaning duty in the dormitory for the next month.'

  She had relaxed her grip but remained staring down at Alicia. 'It is not part of your punishment, for the Good Lord could never be a punishment, but I hope we will see you at early Mass all next week. It will help you meditate on your sins.'

  And with that she had sat down at her desk again and opened a book. Alicia had taken this to mean her ordeal was over, and edged towards the door, but as her hand turned the knob, Reverend Mother had looked up again.

  'And I hope, child, that you will go down on your bended knees and beg both Lucy and Vanessa's forgiveness for this terrible thing you have done.'

  Vanessa never owned up, and it passed into school legend that Alicia had tried to blow up one of her fellow students. To make amends, Vanessa had given Alicia first choice of the clothes she intended to throw away at the end of the term - she never wore any of her clothes for more than one season because by that time they had gone out of fashion - but as she was several sizes smaller than Alicia, none of them fitted.

  Alicia put Zelda’s opera glasses to her eyes and studied Vanessa's flat, which was on the ground floor of the terrace opposite. The two large windows overlooking the park revealed no sign of life.

  Alicia sipped her tea and studied the rest of the terrace through the glasses. Peoples' taste in curtains was fascinating. She was rather partial to swags and tails and the odd ruffle herself, and a particularly magnificent set of salmon pink Austrian blinds caught her attention. She put her cup down in order to readjust the opera glasses.

  As the pink frills sharpened into focus, Alicia realised that someone was standing at the window watching her.

  She hastily turned away, only to find herself looking at a man leaning against a tree who was scrutinising her.

  Alicia snatched the opera glasses from her eyes and stuffed them into her bag. Then she tossed the remainder of the tea in her cup on to the ground and tried to screw the cap back on to her vacuum flask. Although she didn't dare look, she knew the man was walking towards her. She kept her head down as she hurriedly pushed everything into her bag.

  'Good Lord. Alicia, Alicia Binns!'

  Alicia reluctantly peered up from beneath the brim of her hat. The good-looking, in a rather gaunt, unshaven way, man who stood in front of her dressed in faded jeans and a T-shirt proclaiming 'Green Power' with a lurid green fist, bore no resemblance to anyone she knew. He ran a thin hand through his unruly dark hair, which immediately flopped back rather becomingly over his forehead.

  Alicia felt a glimmer of familiarity at the gesture.

  'It is you isn't it?' the man asked, his public school tones at variance with his appearance. 'It's me, Jeremy, Jeremy Swift.'

  'Jeremy. Vanessa's husband?' Alicia was incredulous.

  'Ex-husband,' Jeremy said firmly. 'How are you? I'm surprised to see you in these parts. I thought you were a country girl.' He indicated where Vanessa lived with a nod of his head. 'Not staying with Vee by any chance?'

  'Oh no. Vanessa and I… well we … Actually, I'm staying in a friend's flat just around the corner from here.'

  Alicia was uncertain. She was finding it difficult to come to terms with the Jeremy standing in front of her. Where was the immaculately-suited, clean-shaven Jeremy of old?

  Jeremy was looking hard at her. 'Do I sense you and Vee are not getting on too well?'

  Alicia considered her answer. Could she trust him? They had never been close in the past. Jeremy was so good-looking, she always felt tongue-tied in his presence, and she was convinced that he thought her an awful bore, or at least Vanessa had intimated he did. But he was Vanessa's ex-husband, and she did want someone to talk to, someone who would understand, and his eyes, which were stil
l that wonderful blue she remembered, looked concerned.

  'Oh, Jeremy,' she blurted, 'we've had the most terrible row. She behaved so dreadfully.' Her lower lip trembled.

  Jeremy put a hand out as though to comfort her and then thought better of it. He put his hands in his pockets instead. Alicia thought he looked unhealthily thin. The last time she had seen him, which must have been at least four years ago, he had been broad-shouldered and muscular. Alicia felt herself beginning to blush. She looked down.

  Jeremy scuffed the toe of his trainer against a brown tuft of grass. 'That's not unusual for Vee. I'm just surprised you put up with her for so long. I learned my lesson the hard way. That woman hasn't got a decent bone in her body.' The bitterness in his voice made Alicia ache.

  She looked up into his eyes. There were depths in them she had not seen before.

  Alicia had never understood why Vanessa had divorced Jeremy. Vanessa said it was because he had an affair, but while Alicia agreed that it was the most awful betrayal, if he had been truly sorry and sworn that he would not do it again, why not forgive him this one indiscretion, especially as Vanessa had had numerous affairs.

  But according to Vanessa, while Jeremy's one infidelity was nothing in comparison to her many, that wasn't the point. Her infidelities meant nothing - that was just the way she was - but Jeremy was a one-woman man so if he strayed, it really meant something.

  Alicia twisted a strand of her hair round her finger. 'You know, I never really heard the full story of why you and Vanessa broke up, would you like to tell me about it? I could make a nice pot of tea back at the flat where I'm staying and I could make some sandwiches as well.'

  Jeremy brightened up. 'I haven't had a proper tea in ages.'

  He took Alicia's bag from her hand and they set off across the park together.

  Fourteen

  'If only I'd listened to my mother,' Jeremy finished bitterly, emptying the dregs of the wine bottle into his glass.

  Alicia put a plate of assorted sandwiches on the low table, and sat down on the cushions opposite Jeremy, tucking her dress round her knees. She reached for a cream cheese and smoked salmon sandwich.

  'It really sounds as though you had an awful time. Vanessa always told me she was the one who was badly treated. I should never have believed her, and Belle doesn't sound as though she was much better.'

  Jeremy put his glass down. 'It wasn't really Belle's fault. I wasn't much good at running a snack bar. We'd both rather assumed that, as I'd worked in a bank I could handle money, but I'm not very good at it, I'm afraid. Poor Belle was doing all the hard work like cooking, and at the end of it we made no profit at all. I could hardly blame her for wanting me out.'

  'Oh, but surely it was more than a business partnership, didn't you, well… love each other?' Alicia helped herself to another sandwich.

  'To be absolutely honest, I'm not sure we ever did. We liked each other well enough, but looking back, I'm not sure it was more than that.' He shrugged. 'Anyway, when you're trying to run a catering business, there's little time for sex and all that kind of stuff, which is probably just as well. Vee always said I was hopeless at sex, just like I was hopeless at everything else,' he ended morosely.

  Alicia blushed. She found it impossible to believe that anyone as good-looking as Jeremy could possibly be hopeless at making love. Her blush deepened.

  'But what happened between you and Vee? I always thought your friendship was indestructible,' asked Jeremy reaching for a ham and pickle sandwich.

  Alicia told him, not daring to look at his face, hugging her arms around her body for protection, her face distorted with the effort not to cry. As she reached the end of the story her voice shrank to a tremulous whisper, forcing Jeremy to lean forward to hear her.

  When she had finished they both sat in silence. Alicia closed her eyes trying to shut out the terrible visions she had once again conjured up.

  Jeremy looked down at his half-eaten sandwich. For the first time in what seemed like a very long time, he realised that he wasn't the only one with problems. He desperately wanted to reach out and comfort Alicia, to tell her he knew how she felt, that he understood and even shared her pain, but he just didn't know how. He nervously cleared his throat.

  'Do cheer up, old thing, things can't get much worse.'

  The spell was broken.

  Alicia pulled her handkerchief out of her pocket and loudly blew her nose. She looked over at Jeremy. 'Oh, but they can!' The force of her declaration seemed to surprise her and she blinked rapidly for a moment or two, then she steadied herself. 'You see, I realise now that Zelda is right, Fergus is not only a charlatan and a fraud, but his theories are dangerous. If Vanessa gives him a platform on television to promote them it would be terrible. It could do irreparable damage to the university if it was associated with his research. Someone has to do something about it. Since I must bear some of the blame, as I was the one who introduced them, I feel that person ought to be me. '

  'Is that why you were sitting outside Vee's flat this afternoon?' encouraged Jeremy.

  Alicia nodded. She took another sip of her wine.

  'Why were you there?'

  He shrugged his shoulders. 'I don't know really. I suppose I've got nothing else to do, apart from signing on, and seeing her again the other day made me think.'

  'Do you still love her?' The words came out of her mouth before she had time to stop them them. Alicia blushed.

  Jeremy started on his third ham and pickle sandwich. He munched thoughtfully for a moment or two. 'Not now, although perhaps I went to see her because I still harboured some hopes that there was still something left between us. But after the way she treated me, I knew it was over and probably had been over many years ago. I was just too stupid to see it.'

  Alicia felt an unexpected sense of relief. She got to her feet and fetched the chocolate gateau she had bought from the local patisserie.

  'I'm sorry it's shop made. I normally bake all my own cakes. I do think that extra bit of effort shows, don't you?'

  Jeremy nodded approvingly, his eyes glistening with pleasure as he watched Alicia cut him a large slice. 'I love chocolate cake,' he said once he had crammed his mouth full.

  Alicia smiled at him. There was chocolate around his lips making him look just like a little boy. She liked his hair long she decided. It somehow made him look more vulnerable.

  'You know, you're awfully easy to talk to. I usually feel so awkward around women, under pressure so to speak.' Jeremy ran a finger round his plate and scooped up some chocolate cream which had escaped from the cake. He popped his finger in his mouth. 'I feel comfortable with you, just like I used to feel with Nanny Greig. She was never too busy to listen, and when I said silly things she never laughed at me. Mother was always telling me to act more like a man.'

  He wrinkled his forehead as though trying to recall something. He had drunk nearly a bottle of wine. 'It's funny, but now I come to think of it, that's just what Vee used to say too.'

  He lapsed into silence. For a few minutes he and Alicia munched in companionable silence, and Alicia took the opportunity to study him.

  She had always thought Jeremy good looking, but his good looks were spoiled by a certain blandness of expression - a readiness to laughter which belied any real emotion. But now his features had a drawn look about them. Lines had appeared around his mouth, and his eyes looked almost haunted. He was definitely more interesting than she remembered.

  Jeremy suddenly looked directly at her. 'Has anyone ever told you you're really rather pretty. I've always thought so. I used to tell Vee that you hid your light under a bushel, something she could never be accused of. I don't understand why some lucky chap hasn't snapped you up.'

  Embarrassed, Alicia took off her glasses and polished the lenses with her handkerchief.

  'And you look even prettier without your glasses,' he added.

  Alicia immediately put them back on.

  'Would you like some tea or coffee, or maybe some
more wine?' she asked, getting up.

  Jeremy followed her into the kitchen area and stood close enough for her to feel his body heat. Alicia tried to move away, but there wasn't much space in Zelda's tiny kitchenette.

  'I think some more wine would be nice, don't you?'

  Alicia reached for another bottle. Strictly speaking, Alicia knew she shouldn't really be helping herself from Zelda’s well-stocked wine cupboard. It was true that Zelda had bade her to make the place her own, but she had a feeling that hadn’t included the wine. Her hand wavered. What would Zelda have done if the situation had been reversed? Alicia's hand grasped another bottle of Sainsbury's claret.

  As she clumsily attempted to remove the foil from around the neck, Jeremy reached over and took the corkscrew from her and their hands touched. Alicia snatched hers away as though it had been scalded.

  She backed away and watched him opening the wine. It was absolutely ridiculous, she thought, trying to steady her pounding heart, she had probably had too much to drink. After all, this man had been married to her best friend, which surely made him out of bounds, even if they were divorced.

  What best friend? Alicia thought, feeling a sense of loss that was almost physical. She'd never really had a best friend. All these years she had been fooling herself about Vanessa. She had other friends, it was true, but those words 'my best friend' had a special, intimate meaning that was like no other.

  To realise that the friendship had never really existed - was a figment of her imagination - was like having to re-edit her whole life, wiping out all the memories which were no longer true. All that was left was a large, black hole.

  This time Alicia couldn't hold back the tears.

  Jeremy led her gently back to the chaise-longue and sat with his arm around her, offering her sips of wine between sobs and tissues.