by Nicole Bea
“Oh, things are good. I went to a club sign up thing yesterday and got to meet some people.”
“How was your dinner with that boy you ran into when we arrived?”
I shouldn’t be surprised that Mom is curious about Lux. She was more than well aware that I took my breakup with Brandon hard, so I suspect that she’s simply happy that I’ve found someone to distract me from moping around like I did all summer.
Doing my best to stay nonchalant, I give a little shrug even though she can’t see it. However, the grin on my face can probably be heard across the phone line. “It was fine.”
“Just fine? You both seemed quite enamored with one another.”
“Mom…” I groan, adjusting my position in bed before sucking in a deep breath. I can still taste the Moscato and peppermint on my lips. “We’re just, we’re taking things… carefully.”
I almost say that Lux and I are taking things slow, but that would be an outright lie since I found my fingers trying to unbutton his pants last night after only knowing him for a day. But, to be fair, these feelings I’m having are so new and so strong that I don’t know what to do with them. I just want everything, I want all of him, and I think he wants all of me too.
“That’s good. You can never be too careful. I’m just glad you sound happy, Chelsea. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what the first few days alone were going to be like for you after such an awful summer.”
“I’m okay, I promise.”
Mom and I talk for another half hour, the conversation slipping from Lux and me to things around the house and what she’s found while cleaning out the winter clothes. It’s somewhat mindless small talk, but I appreciate every minute of it because it keeps my mind occupied from wondering what Lux’s messages say. When we finally say goodbye, Mom doesn’t sound teary like she did back at the restaurant.
“Don’t forget to call me occasionally. I might be old and uninteresting, but I still like hearing about you.”
“Sure, Mom. I’ll call you in a few days.”
“Be good, honey.”
“Love you.”
The moment after I tap the ‘end call’ button, I see there’s another text notification from Lux, adding a message on top of the other two that probably came in last night after I fell asleep.
Lux: Do you find it strange how two people can just come together at the right time?
Lux: Did you fall asleep? I won’t keep messaging in case the sound of the texts wakes you. I’ll send you something in the morning. Have a good rest, sleepy.
Lux: Good afternoon! Don’t tell me you’re still sleeping?
Chelsea: Not sleeping, not anymore. Just got off the phone with my mom. She asked about you. I had to work my hardest to deflect the conversation because I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot.
I tap the send button. It’s a half minute later when his response comes in, and I’ve just fluffed up my pillow to cradle my back more comfortably against the wall.
Lux: I’m smiling as I write this. And I’m smiling as I think about seeing you tonight, even if you’ll have to dance with someone else.
Right, the swing dance club meeting is tonight. I completely forgot about it, and now that I’ve been reminded, I’m immediately nervous. I don’t know why and I can’t control the anxiety—I know the steps and I’ve practiced with the very person teaching the class, but something about going into the student center with a bunch of strangers has me chewing on my chapped bottom lip.
Chelsea: Are you sure I should be dancing with someone else? I mean, what if I step on their feet? At least with you I know I kind of have an idea of what it feels like to dance the steps properly.
Lux: We can decide tonight, if it makes you more comfortable. Either that or you can dance with Jenn. She’s a pretty good teacher.
Even dancing with Jenn seems terrifying, but I take a deep breath before replying. This is new Chelsea speaking, the version of me that I want to be here at Bedford.
Lux and I text for a while, back and forth about dance and him trying his best to help me feel more comfortable about going to the first class tonight. He’s right that I’ll probably be okay once I get there, but it’s the nerves and the anxiousness that are keeping me from having the motivation to show up in the first place. But I do need to go because swing dance is literally the only thing I signed up for, and if I don’t meet anyone on campus or participate in anything, I’m bound to have a pretty lonely year.
The afternoon drops off into the evening, and I head down to the cafeteria for a small supper of salad and half a slice of greasy pizza. The latter wasn’t the best choice in comforting my nervous stomach, but there wasn’t much to select from, and I thought at the time that a ‘treat’ might make me feel more prepared for class.
It doesn’t. Instead I’m nearly sick as time passes.
Five minutes before the start of the first meeting, I find myself pacing around the center of campus, walking in circles along the paved walkways. I can’t decide if I want to go in the building and try out this dance thing, even if Lux and Jenn will be there. A few people have already walked past me in the fading light of the evening, heading toward the back of the center where there’s a length of long windows. A group of figures moves along the shadows of the glass, and I can only guess that’s where everyone is gathering.
“Hey,” a voice says from behind me, my pacing interrupted as I look up to see Jenn. “You coming in?”
Jenn’s curly hair is all tied up in pins at the top of her head and she’s in a pair of stretchy fake leather pants that accentuate her lithe body. I feel a little bit frumpy next to her, my dirty hair in a knot at the base of my neck and dry shampooed within an inch of its life because I couldn’t bring myself to wash it amid my anxiety episode. I’m in plain black leggings and a green t-shirt with a knot in the front, while Jenn has on a gray shirt with a logo on it from a band I don’t recognize.
“Chelsea?” She says my name as if to grab my attention away from my thoughts and feelings and drop me back into the real world. “You okay? You look like you’re going to pass out.”
“I’m fine. Just wasn’t sure if I was in the right place.”
“Totally in the right place. Come on, I’ll get you introduced to everyone.”
I shake my head as Jenn holds the door to the student center open for me. She chatters all the way through the foyer and down the back of the building toward the long windows, though I can’t honestly say what it is she’s talking about because I’m not really listening. I’m not trying to be rude, in fact, exactly the opposite, but my anxiousness is in overdrive and I’m about ready to fly back out the front doors and hide in my dorm for all eternity.
Until I see Lux.
He’s talking to a young guy in a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows when he spots me. Lux excuses himself from the conversation to come and greet me. Seeing him here in the evening glow makes my heart skip a few beats, and I grin at him the same time his face breaks into a smile meant just for me. He’s dressed in gray sweatpants and a tight black top that shows off his arms—complete with a scratch mark along one bicep. My thoughts immediately fall to my fingernails on his skin last night, and a fire starts to burn in my belly at the memory.
“Hey, you made it.” He’s staring at me with a gentle look in his eyes, but Jenn seems to think that the statement was meant for her because she’s the one who responds.
“Of course, fashionably late as usual. I found Chelsea outside. I’m surprised you convinced her to show up.”
I don’t break my gaze from Lux’s blue eyes except for a second to look at the red line on his arm. “It didn’t really take that much convincing.”
Only a second passes until he apparently realizes what I’m staring at, and the two of us stifle a laugh at the inside joke Jenn isn’t privy to. She seemingly shrugs off our odd behavior and looks around at the smattering of people doing stretches and hanging out around the sides of the open space.
“D
o we have enough people? Looks like we might just meet the minimum requirement,” she asks, and Lux tears his gaze from me with a little wink.
“We’re good. A couple more people would be nice as a buffer, but maybe more will show up in a few minutes. I say we get started and try to figure out how interested everyone is. Teach a couple of steps, maybe partner people up, show them what a song looks like, stuff like that. Tonight’s just meant to be fun.”
“Alright, well, let’s do that.” Jenn looks Lux up and down, pausing at the mark on his arm before traipsing across the center to the collection of students. “Hey, everyone! I’m Jenn, the VP, and thanks for signing up for the Bedford University Swing Dance Club. This guy here is Lux, our president and resident teacher. He’ll be showing you some moves today to get you started on learning to dance, and we’ll talk a little about what a typical meet will look like. After that, we’ll play one of our favorite songs to dance to and show you what a finished routine looks like. Sound good?”
I wrinkle my brow as I take a spot next to a pushed-out table. Lux and Jenn have a favorite song to dance to together? I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised since she’s the VP and he’s the president of the club, but something about the way she says it sits funny in my stomach.
I’m able to ignore the feeling for the first twenty minutes of the dance meet, Lux showing the group the basic step, step, triple-step movement and getting us to practice on our own. He also talks a little about the history of swing, the goals for the club, and his experience teaching dance. It’s really quite interesting to hear him talk about his passion, but the positive sensation sinks to my toes when Jenn flicks on some music on her audio app and a swing song starts to play. I don’t know the song, but I know the beat, and she steps toward Lux with some kind of practiced allure that I don’t particularly like.
“So, Lux and I love this song. We’ll show you one of our routines so you all can get a grasp of what a finished swing dance looks like. Keep in mind that we’ve only been dancing together for a year.” Jenn’s voice is loud across the center, and the latter statement doesn’t mean anything to me in terms of clarification.
What I do see is Lux hesitate for a moment before taking Jenn into his arms, clasping his hand with hers. His glance flickers to me but I’m sure I’m the only one in the room who catches it because I’m the only person looking for it. After a moment, Lux snaps into dance mode, guiding Jenn around the open space with the familiar steps, twirling her under his arm, fingers guiding her where to go along the floor. It’s like the whole world doesn’t exist around them when they dance, and I’m certain Jenn’s moves are more practiced and more beautiful than mine were the other night. She looks like a professional with Lux leading her.
As I watch, prickles of hot tears come to the corners of my eyes. At first, I’m not sure why they’re there because there’s nothing happening in front of me to make me upset. But then I realize that between Lux and Jenn there definitely is. There’s a history there, a tenderness and a softness and a delicate nature that tells me something I didn’t even think to ask. I didn’t ask when Lux and I talked about if there was anyone in his life. He said not anymore, but I don’t think that’s what he meant.
I practically hold my breath until the song comes to an end. Lux and Jenn take a quick bow amid scattered applause from the other students. As soon as the music turns to silence, Lux’s eyes are on me again.
“We’re going to practice now with partners, if everyone wants to match up with someone. We’ll just do some basic steps to get started and work on getting that triple-step. Try to avoid each other’s toes if possible and figure out who is going to lead the dance before you begin. Jenn will be walking around to give pointers and show you the right way to step, and I’ll be alternating between students so you can get an idea of what dancing with someone who, well, it isn’t their first day dancing, can be like.”
Oh, God. Lux and I are going to dance together here in this room after all this. And even more than that, I’m going to have to dance with a stranger, which is the nightmare I had been sorely anticipating since I signed up for the class.
The plaid-shirt guy Lux was talking to at the beginning of class turns to me, and I can tell right away that he isn’t a first-year student simply because of his casual confidence. “Hey, guess we should try this out, huh?”
“Um, yeah.” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, glancing around for Lux, but he and Jenn are already busy talking to a couple dancing at the far end of the space.
“I’m Trevor.”
“Chelsea.”
Trevor animatedly extends his hand to me, and I place my fingers on his warm palm. It doesn’t feel anything like joining hands with Lux when we danced last night, but like I’m touching some clammy boy from Patrick’s Cove. At least he’s having fun, which is more than I can say for some of the other couples, who are awkwardly shuffling across the floor and staring around the room.
“I guess I’ll lead?” Trevor asks “Um, go?”
The first thing Trevor does is step on my toe. The second thing he does is laugh, which somehow relaxes me. I can already tell that I know more than one person in the class, which boosts my confidence just a tiny bit. Though that tiny bit is all I need to hold me over until Trevor has me spinning under his arm and practicing some other footwork that I know definitely isn’t swing dancing. I don’t bother telling him the difference because Lux wouldn’t have done the same to me.
“Interesting moves,” Jenn says as she approaches Trevor and me. “You guys at least look somewhat comfortable with one another.”
Lux approaches from behind Jenn and smiles, directing the expression at me more than Trevor. “Do you two want to try some steps with Jenn and me?”
Trevor ogles Jenn in a way that immediately tells me he’s signed up for this club because he’s more interested in her than learning to swing dance. “Sure, that would be great. Chelsea deserves a break from me stepping on her toes.” He does the same animated hand extension to Jenn as he did with me, and she lets out a high-pitched laugh, taking his hand in amusement as I stand next to Lux and watch.
“Do you want to dance, Chelsea?” He asks the question so quietly that I almost don’t hear him, but the sound of his deep voice makes me turn my head.
“Can we?”
“Of course. Just…”
“I know. I’ll pretend as if nothing happened last night.”
Lux and I practice steps rather than putting together the moves into a full dance, my triple-step improving every time I work on it. His hands feel better in mine than Trevor’s did, our connection stronger through the movements and our bodies. I suppose when you have feelings for someone then you must dance with them differently than you would with a stranger, and that’s what’s happening here and now with Lux—again.
“You two look pretty good together,” Trevor notes after a few minutes of practice with Jenn. “Nobody’s stepping on anyone’s feet so I’d say you’re a lot better than me, Chelsea.”
I give Trevor a little smile as Lux and I break apart, Lux’s fingers lingering on my hand for a moment longer than necessary.
I can’t focus on whatever happens next because my mind is all over the place. Jenn must dismiss the club because before I know it, people are walking past my spot near the table. Some are chattering, some are on their phones, and others are almost crawling for the doorway with red, tired faces. I stay. I don’t know why because there’s nothing for me to say right now, but I feel like I should say thanks to Lux and Jenn.
“So, what did you think?” Jenn’s cheeks are pink, and she looks a little bit confused, like maybe she wants to ask me how I’ve gotten so good at the basic Lindy Hop steps in just one class.
I give her the biggest smile I can muster. “That was amazing. So great to be able to see a whole song come together like that.”
Jenn beams. “You’ll be able to do that with your partner someday too. We’ll get partner assignments ready in a few weeks whe
n we see who sticks around. The group seemed really engaged, but there are always a few who drop out once they see what it’s all about. You could probably stick with Trevor if you wanted though, I think he’ll probably hang around.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it’s not everyone’s taste but there’s no way of knowing unless you try it, right?” I look up at Lux at the end of the sentence, my words directed at him more than Jenn. She doesn’t notice, just like she didn’t notice Lux talking to me earlier, or our joke.
“Exactly! You’ve got it.” She looks down at her phone and frowns. “This was super fun, but I have to run. Hopefully I’ll see you in the Oakwood sometime soon!”
“Thanks for the class. Nice to see you again.” I keep the same smile on my face until she turns and trots out the door, disappearing into the night.
When I turn around, Lux is standing there behind me, and he sighs. “I have to tell you something about Jenn.”
“Oh?” I furrow my brow and look around the empty space to make sure there’s no one to overhear our conversation. “Something bad?”
“Just something. Jenn and I were… a thing last year. We kind of broke it off over the summer when I went back to Newfoundland. I think she wants to start back up again, and to be honest, I thought that we would but then I met you. And now, well, I really like you, Chelsea. But things are complicated.”
“Too complicated to tell me about them?”
“I told her it was over the day I met you. She just… doesn’t believe me yet.” Lux’s voice wavers a little at the end, like there are emotions inside of him that he doesn’t fully have control over. He reaches a hand up to my cheek to brush off a droplet that’s fallen without me even feeling it, his fingers warm on my face.
“I saw the way you danced with her. It was like the way you danced with me last night, only… well, better because she knows how to dance.”
“It might have looked that way, but it didn’t feel anything like last night, Chelsea. If you were in my body feeling what I felt with you against what I feel when I dance with Jenn, there’s no competition. You win. You’ve won everything, my heart and all. Mon cœur t’appartient.”