Tainted by Crazy

by Abby Mccarthy

  I grabbed his beer from the cooler and set it down in front of him. He grabbed it from my hand and let his fingers brush over my knuckles. Again, for a moment, I froze me in place. I shook it off saying, “That will be three dollars.”

  “No, ‘hello Rys, how are you?” he goaded.

  “Kinda swamped here. No time for small talk,” I said collecting his three dollars plus his tip, and then moved on to the next customer. Even though I was busy, I noticed when a seat opened up at the bar and Rys grabbed it. Thirty minutes after that, things really got interesting.

  A large group of guys and girls entered the bar, and then I heard, “No shit Alex, you were right. It is Maple,” I looked hard at the overweight guy but couldn't remember his name.

  Alex smacked him, “’Course, I didn’t lie, dick.” Then he said to his group, “Give me fifteen, I’ll help clear this up, and then I’ll be over. Hey, Iggy, you need a hand?”

  “Bet your ass, I do,” she said over the noise.

  Alex was behind the bar in seconds, and said, “I used to work here on the weekends and help out sometimes if Iggy is desperate.”

  “Like now,” she said. “Stop talking, and start slinging.”

  He grinned at her, and I remembered how much I loved that grin. Alex started taking orders, and I felt Rys’ eyes boring into him.

  Iggy was getting her biker friends a round, and Alex had a group of women at one side of the bar entertained and laughing as he poured their drinks. I couldn’t help but meet Rys’ eyes, and saw the look of disdain on his face. “Maple,” he called tilting his beer in my direction to signal he needed another. I handed him his beer, and again he did the weird finger thing on me. Dang it, I wished it didn't shoot chills down my spine every time he did that.

  It felt again like time stopped; I was lost. I stared into his hard face and it was like there was no one else trying to get my attention. There was Keenan Rys and there was Maple, that’s it. In that perfect moment, with his perfectly hard eyes offset by the lightest touch of his fingers, I was completely and utterly lost.

  “Hey lady, did you hear me? I need three Miller Lite’s, a Jack and Coke, and a shot of Cuervo.” A redheaded, twenty-something man asked, breaking me from Rys spell.

  I moved with fluidity; grabbing the drinks and helping customer after customer until finally, there was a lull.

  Alex playfully swatted my butt with a towel. I yelped, then gave him my best mock-death-glare. I couldn’t help it. I’d known him forever, and it just came so easily to be right where we were.

  “Don’t you dare Alex,” I said when it looked like he was winding up to strike again.

  He put the towel down and threw his hands up in surrender, “Okay, okay. If you want to take a quick break, I’ll cover you, and then I’m going to go join my friends.”

  I was relieved that I was going to get a quick few minutes. I’d had to pee for so long that another ten minutes, and my dance would’ve been obvious.

  I quickly used the restroom, hurried out into the hall and walked right into a very solid, hard chest. It was as if I walked straight into a brick wall. I struggled to steady myself.

  “Whoa, there. You alright?” Rys asked grabbing me by the elbows to steady me. I was close to him, so close I could smell the soap he used . I backed away as quickly as I could, knowing he was getting under my skin.

  “I’d be fine, if you didn't plow right into me,” I said with a bite to my words, hoping he would back away.

  “Awe come on now, Maple. You ran into me. And don't be like that. We’re friends, remember?” he said, but it felt more like he was throwing it in my face. I was suddenly on edge wanting to argue and yell at him, and it didn’t even make sense. I ran into him, not the other way around.

  “If you’ll let go of my arms, I need to get back,” I said tersely.

  “To him?” he asked and his question drove me mad.

  “To my job.” My eyes bulged a little as I tore from his grasp.

  Once I was behind the bar, I quickly buried myself in work. Alex poured a few more drinks, and then with Iggy’s persuading, he took a round of beers and shots over to his large boisterous group of friends. I snuck a few glances towards the group. I once thought I was a part of that group. I did my best to avoid looking at Rys and stayed as busy as I could. I even ignored Rys once, when he tried to order another beer, but Iggy said from the other side of the bar, “Jesus, Maple. Can you get that man a beer? I’m a little busy over here.” I instantly felt bad for ignoring him, and that Iggy noticed.

  Alex approached the bar, and waited for me to be finished with my customer. Once I collected the money, he leaned onto the bar and said, “It was fun working with you, Maple. I meant what I said the other day. I’d love to catch up.”

  “Alright Alex, let’s do that soon.”

  He tugged on my dark hair that was hanging over a shoulder, so I slapped his arm. It was something we did, when we were teenagers. It was something that was natural, but the moment I did it, under Rys stare, I felt like I had just made a huge mistake. A second later, Alex walked out the door, and a few minutes after that, the group of bikers that were keeping Iggy busy walked out the door too. We were still busy, but for the first time all night, I felt like I could breathe, that was until I looked to Rys and saw his face was stone. I turned away from him and busied myself. When a customer got my attention, I was forced to look in Rys direction again, only to find his seat was empty.

  I felt a pang in my chest, and I wasn’t admitting to myself why it was there. No, I wasn’t telling myself I hated that he left without saying goodbye. It was for the best, anyways. I wiped off the bar, and collected some empty bottles, and let my mind wander. Why was I so off-kilter with him, tonight? Was he jealous over Alex? He certainly seemed protective the other night. Maybe, he was afraid I liked Alex. Why should it matter?

  I went in circles like this for a while and kept myself busy, while thoughts of him plagued me. He was getting under my skin, whether I wanted him there or not. I made a few mistakes on drinks that I poured, and got a look from Iggy that told me to get my head in the game. By the time the night ended, I was exhausted and glad I decided to drive Bertha, instead of walking.

  After locking up the house, I got ready for bed, then laid awake with heavy thoughts of Rys on my mind. Was I being unfair to him because of my past relationships? He hadn’t even really expressed interest in me, had he? Those were the last thoughts I had as I fell into a fitful sleep.

  “Momma, Sally said her daddy is the best daddy in the world because he fixes people when they get sick. Erin said her daddy is the best because he builds houses and without houses you wouldn't have a place to live. I told them I didn't know my daddy and Alex said it was ‘cause I didn’t have one. I have a daddy, right Momma?” I asked fidgeting with my favorite dress that Momma saved for special occasions like today’s birthday party.

  “Maple, of course, you have a daddy. You have to have a daddy to be alive, baby.” Momma was in a good mood today. Ever since Grams brought her to the Doctor and she’d been coming over, she’d been much happier.

  “Can you tell me about him?” I asked.

  “What do you want to know?” she asked me curiously.

  This wasn’t the first time I’d asked about my daddy, but I was hoping since she’d been happy she’d tell me.

  “Why is my daddy the best daddy?” I needed to have something to tell Alex, so he didn’t tell my whole second-grade class I didn't have a daddy.

  She beamed, “Maple, your daddy is the best daddy, because I named you after him.”

  My mouth was agape, “My daddy’s name is Maple?”

  She laughed a deep belly laugh. It made me happy that she wasn’t sad today. Mommy had the best laugh. “No honey, his name isn’t Maple. Did you know that when most babies are born they have blue eyes?”

  “They do?”

  “Yes, but not you. The second you came out, I knew you had your daddy’s eyes. They were the same shade of
Maple as his.”

  “I have my daddy’s eyes? But everyone always says I’m your mini?”

  “Yes, you look like me, all but his eyes. I’ll never forget his eyes,” she smiled wistfully like she was remembering him.

  “How come I’ve never met him?”

  Pelts of rain hit the window and a large bolt of thunder startled me from my dream. It was dark in the house except for the occasional burst of lightning. I was breathing hard. This house had me dreaming and thinking of Momma more than I had in years. I got out of bed and walked down the staircase and into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of milk. Milk always settled me when I was having strange dreams. I carried it upstairs with me and finished it, setting it on the nightstand before falling back to sleep.

  “Get your skank ass, and that bastard kid of yours out of this house!” Screams reverberated through the small two bedroom doublewide.

  “Leave Maple out of this!” Momma shouted at Ronnie, as I cowered in the corner of my room.

  “Why? The way you fuck men, I bet you don’t even know who her daddy is, do you? You’re a whore and a crazy one at that. Now, get the fuck out of my house.”

  I cried silently and shook back and forth. There was a thump and Mommy was crying. “Don’t touch her!” she cried as she opened the door, then frantically engulfed me in her arms. Her face pressed against mine, wet from tears. The hallway light illuminated her face showing the cut above her eye and the steady flow of blood mixing with her tears.

  “I said I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything. Please don’t hurt her. I’ll do anything,” Momma begged.

  Ronnie laughed, but it wasn’t a funny ha-ha laugh. It scared me. My eyes were glued to him as I watched him slide the leather strap through his belt loops until he was holding his belt and lightly slapping it against his palm. He strode towards us and I braced for something bad. My small hands clung to Momma who was crying right along with me.

  Something snapped in her, I didn't know what it was, but she changed from crying and weak to almost howling. I remembered seeing a wild pack of dogs once and that’s what she reminded me of. She grabbed anything she could from my floor that was in reach. Blonde-haired Barbies flew through the air first, then shoes. Ronnie brushed it off until finally Momma grabbed the snow globe Grams sent me, the one with the little bunny in it eating a carrot. She charged him, smashing it into his head. Yelling and screaming as she did it. “Get out of here, Maple,” she screamed at me, and I couldn't run out of the doublewide fast enough.

  I woke for the second time with a start. My heart was beating rapidly. It was dawn and the room was illuminated with the smallest hints of morning light. The rain had stopped and a thick haze of fog made it so I could barely see out of the windows. I checked the clock, it was just after five in the morning. After two very vivid dreams, I was not going to attempt falling back to sleep. I took a few deep breaths trying to calm my racing heart, but it was not settling me. I sat up, used the bathroom, and threw on a pair of yoga pants, a sports bra, tank top and tennis shoes, then headed outside into the morning air.

  The cool early chill filled my lungs each time my foot hit the pavement. I hadn’t run since I’d been back here. It felt good. Each step took some of my stress away. The thick fog left droplets of water on my skin. I ran long strides. I cut through Mr. Pitcan’s property, and then Mrs. Barnes'. My destination was in sight as I came up to Earl’s lake from a different direction than his house. It was the same cut through I used to take when I was a kid, and although some of the trail was overgrown and forgotten, I got the sense that deer had kept it visible. I ran, jumping over roots and fallen trees, and came to a stop when I reached the rope swing, or what was the rope swing until it snapped.

  I sat on a large, cold rock to catch my breath. My breathing was labored, coming down from my run. The lake was eerily quiet as the fog began to lift with the ever-rising sun. It’s funny that almost on instinct my feet took me back here. This was exactly where I would go when the real life nightmares plagued me. I found solace here. The trees and the lake surrounding me on all sides wrapped me in comfort, today was no different.

  I sat for a long time. I thought about the path that brought me to this moment. Logically, I knew that one of the reasons I’d chosen the wrong men had to do with the way I was raised. I knew I was being hard on myself. At least, this time, I came home. I’d been away for so long and trying to do things my way. This was the first time, in all of my mistakes, that I had immediately decided to come back to my roots. I think when I called Grams to come get me, it wasn’t a conscious decision. Perhaps, me coming home had always been what I was supposed to do. It would explain the dreams, at least. Maybe, I’d never really healed from my past.

  I stood up and stretched before making the long walk back. I looked over in the direction of Earl’s home, and thought about how I dreamt of Earl and Grams saving me, and that being the first time I remembered Momma being forcibly committed. If Earl and Grams didn’t find me, who knows what could’ve happened to me.

  I thought about Rys for a moment too. My reaction to him last night, and almost every other time, had been embarrassingly rude. It had more to do with me liking him than me not. I knew that I was in no place to date again. Perhaps I’d been unfair with the way I’d treated him. I walked back with this thought on my mind, and decided that I was going to rectify that.

  When I got home, I baked a delicious apple crisp, and then called Sasha to see how her daughter was doing. She told me she was doing better, and I asked her if I could stop by to bring her something that would improve her spirits. I remembered being sick and my mom not being there. The one thing Grams always did to make me feel better was bake for me.

  Sasha, at first, seemed a little-taken aback. She wasn't expecting my kindness, after a whine from her daughter, she said, “Anything to help me, here.”

  I brought the apple crisp to Sasha’s. Her daughter was happy I came. After a while, she was sitting in my lap and letting me read her stories while Sasha showered. “You don’t know how grateful I am to get fifteen minutes by myself in the shower,” she told me while towel drying her hair. Her small, blonde-haired daughter, who introduced herself as Delilah, had just fallen asleep on the sofa with Dora softly playing in the background.

  “Anytime you need a hand Sasha, I’d be happy to help out. I’ve been gone so long, I really don't have any friends around here, or really much to do, besides work, so I’d be happy to help,” I told her in a quiet tone as to not wake up Delilah.

  “Careful. Being a single mom is hard. I’m liable to take you up on that,” Sasha said in a joking manner.

  “I hope you do.” I replied sincerely..

  It was getting late and I still needed to shower and get ready for my shift tonight. I grabbed my bag, and told Sasha I’d see her later. She did the unexpected, and grabbed me, pulling me in for a hug saying, “Thank you.” I left her apartment, grateful that I had made the stop and felt like, maybe, Sasha and I could be friends.

  Work was slower than the previous night, and I had to admit, I was grateful for the reprieve. Every time the door, opened my eyes darted to it, checking to see if it was Rys, but he didn’t come in. By ten, Iggy sighed throwing a rag down on the bar next to me. “Looks like we’re going to be slow tonight. I can handle the rest of the night, if you want. Or stay? I don’t care one way or another. Just giving you an option.”

  I looked around the bar, and decided it was pointless for me to stay. I doubted I could make much more money tonight. I was walking on my way out of the bar when a man walked in freezing me in place. I’d never wanted to see him again, yet here he was. He walked past me, not recognizing the woman I’d become, but I could never forget him. I don't know if it was smart of me, but curiosity ruled me, making me turn around and take a seat at the bar.

  “Iggy, I changed my mind. Pour me a draft, would you?”

  Iggy gave me a curious glance, but poured me a beer and slid it across the bar to me. I placed a five
-dollar bill on the bar and she slid it back, “This one’s on me.”

  “Thanks.” I tentatively took a sip of my beer and peered over the rim at the man. He was dressed in faded black jeans that were frayed at the knee. His beer belly hung out of the bottom of his dirty T-shirt. His face had a five o’clock shadow. His jaw was rigid and his eyes were still black as his soul. I remembered the last time I saw those beady eyes, and it wasn't pleasant.

  “Darling, we’re going to make a stop real quick, and then we’ll go get that ice cream I promised you,” Momma said closing the door to Grams’ Buick. Grams let her borrow it for the afternoon so that we could hang out, just the two of us. It was the first time, since Momma had been released from the hospital. Momma was in a good mood today. Her hair was styled, and her eyes had a light in them that I missed for so long.

  “Where are we going? You know, Grams said that we could get ice cream, and then we had to come right back.”

  “Don’t worry, honey. This will only take a few extra minutes.” I slunk back into the back seat and watched out the window, as our quick trip for ice cream seemed to be taking a while. We pulled into a trailer park that Momma navigated with ease. She stopped the car in front of a rusted, white trailer. There was a ripped up green frayed AstroTurf rug that covered a small area in front of a door. The stairs were held up by blocks. As Momma knocked, I noticed a white plastic chair with beer cans stacked proudly next to it. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to get ice cream.

  “You-hoo!” Momma called and knocked again. Her voice seemed off. What I first thought of as chipper, now seemed over-the-top.

  “What!” A gruff male voice called out. I wanted to go back to the car. I didn't want to be here.

  “Momma, let’s go!” I whispered.

  “Gracie! That you! Shit, get your ass in here. I ain’t see you in forever, girl.” He opened the door and Momma walked in. I remembered the last time I was in a trailer with Momma.