“Shh, honey. It’s okay to hurt. This stinks. I got you, and I’ll be by your side. Lean on me. Give me your pain. I’ll take care of you.” Rys held me until my tears dried and then he walked me to a family bathroom and helped me clean up my face. It was swollen and puffy.
“She’ll know I was crying,” I sighed as I dotted a BB cream under my eyes.
“It’s okay that you were.”
“I need to be strong.”
“No one would blame you to see you hurting.”
“She’d hate to see my pain.”
“She’d understand it.” Maybe that was true, but I didn't want to add to her pain.
He rubbed my back, and I saw the two of us in the small mirror. He was behind me giving me all the support I needed. At that moment, even though I couldn't admit it out loud, I knew that this thing between Keenan Rys and me was bigger than the two of us. I could see a lifetime of having each other's back.
Over the next few days, Bob and I took turns with Grams. She didn’t want all of her friends at the hospital. She loathed it there. Rys tried to be there as often as possible with us. The doctors managed to get the infection under control and were talking with us about moving Grams to hospice.
“She doesn’t want to go to hospice to die. I’m taking her home,” I told the doctors our wishes.
“I understand,” said Dr. Finkelstein Grams’ short¸ balding German doctor., “We can arrange for a nurse to help you.”
“I worked as a nurse's aide at a nursing home, I can do it.”
“While I appreciate that, trust me, an extra hand will be helpful. You can do as much of the work you like, but I think you’d rather spend time with your loved one rather than cleaning her bed pan.”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that. You’re right.” I thanked Dr. Finkelstein for his help, and met with the staff to make transportation arrangements. Rys left earlier in the day to get rooms ready at the house. I asked Bob if he would stay with us, and he agreed.
At first, Grams wanted to stay at her condo, but I think she said that to give me an out. It didn’t take much convincing. I wanted to give her her old room back, but she was firm on not wanting me to move out of my room.
Later that day, I followed the transportation ambulance to our house. I smiled as I pulled up and saw the freshly painted white picket fence along with the newly painted porch. When Rys had a chance to do that, I wasn't sure. I rushed inside and upstairs to make sure Grams’ room was all set. Rys had somehow gotten a hospital bed for the room. He set a small television up on top of an antique dresser that he must have fished from the basement. A night stand was next to the bed and a blue vase filled with roses from the garden sat on top of that.
“Oh, leave me alone!” I heard Grams yell downstairs. She hated to be fussed with. They were carrying her up the stairs and she was giving them a hard time.
“Grams! You be nice to those men.”
I could see a look of irritation flash across her face, but then she resigned herself to being a good patient. Her nurse was here and followed them up the stairs. Once settled in her bed, the nurse adjusted her IV and made sure Grams was comfortable.
“Rys made soup. Do you want some?” I asked Grams after the bustle of everyone getting her settled in was over.
She nodded and said that she would try some. Bob brought it up and held Grams’ hand as I fed her. She only took about five spoonfuls before she drifted off to sleep.
Grams had been home for five days. During that time, her friends had stopped by and spent time with her. I hated these visits. They made me feel like everyone was coming by to say goodbye--but she was still alive. Every ring of the doorbell was a reminder of an inevitable end.
Today turned out to be a particularly hard day. Grams hadn't eaten in two days, and today she had awful leg cramps. I had just left her room, where she was crying from the pain. Bob and the nurse were with her, but it was more than I could handle. I found myself at the kitchen sink. I turned on the faucet to make myself some tea, but the tears started and the water overflowed my cup. My shoulders shook as I cried. I had been doing so well with holding it together, but I found myself falling apart.
“Honey,” Rys said grabbing my shoulders and turning me into him.
“I don’t want her to go, but I don’t want her to hurt. I feel guilty for wanting her to stay. They can’t give her more morphine without it killing her.”
“It’s natural for you to feel like this. I know that doesn’t make it any easier. It won’t be that much longer. Let’s just pray that she’s in as little pain as possible.”
“Don’t you see? I don't want it to be soon,” I lashed out. “Is this too much for you? Do you want to go? You can go!” I was trying to push him away. I was exhausted, and my emotions were a mess. He had been my rock through all of this, but I wanted him to feel some of my pain. It wasn't fair or rational.
Rys wouldn't have it though. “I’m not going anywhere, Maple. You can't get rid of me that easily. I know you’re hurting, and I’m not letting you push me away.” He grabbed each side of my tear streaked face and he kissed me. We hadn’t been intimate since all of this started, but for some reason this passion-filled kiss was exactly what I needed. I needed to direct my pain and Rys knew it. “Oh, Keenan,” I whispered after our mouths tore apart from him kissing me breathless.
He grabbed my hand and led me to the half bath on the first floor. “I gotta make you feel better the only way I can.” He tore my shirt over my head. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of his mouth on my breasts and his hands on my body takeover. He sat me on the small sink and pulled down my shorts. For a second, I felt bad that I was getting this attention while Grams was in so much pain, but then his tongue found my center, and any thoughts of Grams were wiped away. All I could think about was the pleasure that Keenan was giving to me. He brought me to my peak and I stifled a moan. I knew everyone was upstairs, but I wanted to be quiet, just in case.
“That’s it, Maple. Your body’s so ready for me. God, I’ve missed your taste.” He set my legs down on the ground and then turned me around. In the small space, I heard the clink of his buckle and the drop of his Wranglers. He pushed inside of me with little warning, and I let out a gasp. He gave me everything. I needed unbridled passion. I needed to feel something other than pain. And he knew that. He gave me what I needed and more.
We cleaned up and in the aftermath he held me. He wouldn't let me fall back into despair so quickly. “Thank you, Keenan.” I kissed him on his neck as I nuzzled into his side on the couch.
“For what, Maple?”
“For everything. For being here. For giving me a little bit of happiness, when it feels like my heart is shattering. For not letting me friend-zone you.”
He laughed, “You might’ve thought we were just friends, but there was never any friend-zoning me. I wish I could make all of your pain go away. I hate seeing you hurt. I’m staying tonight and tomorrow, and for as long as you need me.”
“What about Earl?” I asked.
“I talked with my Mom today; she’s going to stay with Earl for a while.”
“Really?” I hated to burden anyone, but I was relieved to have Rys staying here, and a deep part of me hoped it was permanent.
“Yeah, I need to be here with you. I also asked my foreman, James, to take the lead on this house, so I can spend more time with you.”
“You don't have to do that? You can’t miss work.”
“I’m not going to miss it entirely, but Maple, it’s my company. If I need to delegate responsibilities, then that’s what I’ll do. I’ve done it to go on vacation, why wouldn't I do it when the woman I’m falling for is falling apart?”
I moved right past the falling for me part. It was too big and more than I could acknowledge. “I’m not falling apart,” I said in self-defense.
“Honey, you’re so busy taking care of Grams, you’re not taking care of you.”
“I am too.”
“I watched
you eat last night and this morning; you picked.”
“My heart’s breaking. What do you expect?”
“I expect you to let me help, and to let me take care of you. That’s all.”
I nodded because the truth was that I wanted to be taken care of. “Okay. Well maybe, I’ll start by showering.”
“Come to think of it, you do kind of stink.” He grinned then tickled me, making me laugh. My laughter was silenced by a throat clearing. Bob stood at the base of the stairs.
“Rys, Alice asked to speak to you.” I started to rise from the couch with Rys. ”Sorry Maple, she only wants Rys.”
Rys shrugged his shoulder like he had no idea what it was about. He looked back at me with sympathetic eyes as he ascended the stairs.
“How you holding up, kid?” Bob ran his hands through his short, balding hair.
“I’m hanging on. How are you?” Bob stood and fiddled with a small ceramic cat that was on the mantle. I stood and picked up a picture I had found in the basement. It was of Grams and me. I wore a large red hat that Grams adorned with streamers. We were having our own two person party to celebrate me becoming a teenager. I wasn’t into having a party, but Grams decided a party of two would do, and Grams being Grams, did exactly that. In the picture, Grams held out a piece of cake behind me and she was making bunny ears over my head. I took the picture, holding it away from us, using a disposable camera.
Bob sighed, taking his time to answer my question, “I was married before, you know. My first wife, her name was Martha. God, I loved her. We were young. She was driving home from the market one day and a drunk driver ran a light and smashed into her. I never thought I’d get over her. I joined the Marines and spent the next twenty years never settling down. I finally moved back home. I had girlfriends, but nothing ever felt remotely like it did with Martha until Alice. She’s my everything. I thought love like I had with Martha was once in a lifetime, but boy was I wrong.” He choked up, his voice cracking. “Now I’m losing it all over again, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” Fat tears rolled down the old man’s face. Every wrinkle told stories of years of pain. Gone was the strong Marine I first met. Before me was a man breaking. A man whose heart mirrored my own.
A sob erupted from low in my belly and I threw my arms around Bob. “She loves you so much, Bob. She told me she would’ve married you.”
“This is fucking killing me,” he said between sobs.
“I know. I know it is,” I sniffled.
We held each other for some time. Rys came down, and eventually Bob excused himself, saying he needed air. I didn't blame him for wanting space. I was overwhelmed, and could only imagine how he was feeling.
It wasn’t until much later at night, while Rys had me wrapped in his arms, that I realized I never asked Rys what Grams said.
It had been a week since Grams had last eaten, with the exception of one single day where she managed to eat a little applesauce. And I’m pretty sure she only ate it, because I made it, not that she was hungry. She was slowly fading away. She slept mostly now, and had occasional bursts of alertness.
I was in her room, opening the window to let fresh air into the medicinal smelling room. Rys was working. He didn't want to leave me alone, but after a lot of prompting a few days ago, he finally did. Bob was exhausted. I didn't have the heart to wake him when he fell asleep on the sofa in front of the television. The nurse that had been coming had the afternoon off, which was fine since I felt confident I could do most things.
“Maple,” Grams hoarse voice called.
“I’m here, Grams. Is it the window? Are you cold?” I said rushing to her side and taking a seat. I lived for these moments when I heard her voice knowing that I wouldn't have it that much longer.
“No, I’m okay. I want to hear you talk. Tell me about that young man and you.”
“Things are good. Scary, but good,” I admitted. What I didn't say was that we were brand new, and then she got sick, so we’ve been in crisis mode. That made me afraid in a lot more ways than I cared to admit. What would we be like, when I didn’t need him like I do now? Plus, there was his ex, and the fight they’d had at the bar. I felt like there was a lot we had to figure out, and I needed to tread cautiously.
Grams cleared her throat, and I could tell that she needed to have her opinion heard. “I can see the look on your face. It’s more than just fear,” She sighed and continued, “Maple, I thought putting you in this house, you’d finally be home. But you’re not living, yet. Nope, not you.” She closed her eyes as if her words were causing her physical pain. “We've had some luck, ain't we, you and me? But you’ve always been the number one person standing in your way. You can’t see what’s staring you in the face. There’s something between you and him that’s different. It’s special. Why can’t you just let that man love you? I get it. You’ve been scorned, but you're never going to be happy, unless you stand down, and get out of your own way.”
“I don't want to make the same mistakes, Grams. I’m trying to be careful, that’s all.”
“Wake up. You only have this life to live.”
My chest burned and I wanted to turn away from Grams. Sometimes, she saw me more clearly than I saw myself.
“I’ll try,” I said squeezing her hand.
“Not good enough. Promise me, you’ll spend more time living in the present than the past.”
“I don't…” I started to protest, but the look she gave me halted me. Her eyes closed and I could tell this conversation was exhausting her.
“I promise,” I whispered.
“Good girl. Now, why don't you go downstairs and bake me a pie. I want to have this house filled with my favorite smell.” She coughed a few times and her eyes remained closed.
“Okay, Grams.” I kissed her head and whispered, “I love you.”
“Love you,” barely left her lips.
I did just like Grams instructed, and went downstairs to make pies. One wasn't good enough, though. I made four of them, putting my all into it. Then, they were finally in the oven and the house filled with their sweet scent. I felt like it followed me as I went back upstairs to check on Grams.
“Just a little while longer and those pies will be done,” I spoke loudly as I walked into the room. The curtains swayed from the gentle breeze. The room was silent.
Too silent.
Grams looked like she was sleeping, but I could usually rouse her. Something was off. I immediately went to her side. “Grams?”
No answer.
“Grams?” I called again and grabbed her wrist to check for a pulse. I didn’t feel one, but from my time at the nursing home, I knew they could be faint.
“Bob!” I screamed down the stairs. “Bob!”
He rushed up to me as I leaned over Grams to see if I could tell if she was breathing. “I think she’s dying, help me save her.” I started to prep her to give her mouth-to-mouth, but Bob pulled me back. “What are you doing? I don't have a lot of time. I need to do this now.”
His arms tightened around me. “No, Maple. It’s her time. Let her go.”
“No,” I cried.
“Oh, Alice,” Bob sighed. He let me go once he knew that I was not going to continue my useless life-saving techniques. I moved to her side, and grabbed her hand. Bob moved to her other side and peppered kisses along her face.
“Sleep, my beautiful Alice. You can rest now. No more pain, honey. I‘ll see you soon my love.” He put his head against hers and cried. Then he stood, and said, “I’ll give you a minute.”
I thought I was prepared and that I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that this was happening, but no. Nothing could’ve prepared me. The thing about loss is that no matter how much you think you understand what someone means to you, you don't fully comprehend their significance until they’re gone. Then, it’s too late. The black hole of a vanished soul, the infinite emptiness, the suffocating loneliness, don’t even fully explain the way that anguish made my heart feel.
; I had no father. Drugs and mental illness stole my mother. And now cancer, that evil, fickle, shrew, tore my Grams from me. I was broken and alone.
I knew I should say something to her, but I was a blubbering mess. She was my everything, and now she was gone. I couldn’t even imagine what my life would have been like without Grams.
Lost in my grief, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, “Maple, honey. I’m so sorry I wasn't here. Bob called, and I rushed over.”
“Keenan, she’s gone. She’s really gone.”
“I know, honey.” His hands drew circles on my back, providing the comfort I needed. “Bob’s called the coroner, and the funeral home is going to come soon.”
“What? No, they can’t have her.” I knew I was being irrational.
“I know this hurts, honey, but she’s finally at peace.”
“What the hell does that even mean? at peace? She isn't at peace, she’s dead.”
He flinched at my tone. I wasn’t even sure why I was getting angry with him, but an unknown fury was building deep in my gut. I didn’t want this to happen.
I cried for a few minutes longer, and then there was a knock at the door, it was Bob. “The coroner is here. It alright if she comes in?”
I looked to Grams as if she’d have the answers, but no response. Of course, she wouldn’t; she left me. This was happening so soon. I wasn’t ready. “Maple, she needs to come in and pronounce her, that’s all honey.”
I was angry, so very angry. I gripped Grams’ hand with mine and in my other hand I gripped the white Egyptian cotton sheet. I squeezed her hand hard and in the depths of my soul, I prayed she’d squeeze back.
Nothing happened. Well, nothing with her hand anyways.
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