BEEEEEEEEEEEP. A loud noise sounded and continued on. The smoke detector.
My pies, dag-nabbit. I forgot all about them.
“Is something burning?” Rys asked, moving into action. I couldn't help it, I laughed. Maybe I was cracking up, or maybe it was Grams’ way of telling me she was here. Maybe it was her way of squeezing back.
Rys paused at the bedroom door and looked to me. “It’s just my pie. Turn off the oven, open a window, then give me a minute, would you?”
Rys walked back to me, leaned down and kissed me on my head. “Sure thing. Take your time. I’ll be right outside, when you need me.”
I sighed and then giggled again through my grief as the dang smoke detector blared.
I smoothed my hand down the side of Grams’ face over every wrinkle, and with the smoke detector still blaring, I spoke to Grams, “I suppose you did that on purpose, having me bake pies. You wanted to save me from seeing you go. You wanted to go smelling that sweet scent. I’m not sure whether to be mad at you for that, or to thank you.” I sighed as a small tear trickled down my cheek. The blaring alarm finally stopped and it all felt like it was part of Grams’ plan. “I love you, Grams. Thank you for being the best Mom to me, when Momma couldn’t. Thank you for being my best friend and loving me, even when I made mistakes.”
I cried silently for a little while longer, and then Rys returned, put his hand in mine and helped me stand out of the way while the coroner did her thing. A little while later, the funeral home came and took Grams from the house. I cried harder. Bob cried too, and eventually left to go be with his family. I wanted to tell him to stay, but I decided against it. Maybe he needed his people like I needed Rys.
A day had passed, and my grief hung heavy. We had just left the funeral home with Bob. Grams had pretty much planned everything out. She had music selected, and wanted it to be more of a celebration of life party rather than a bunch of people grieving.
A few of Grams’ friends, along with Bob, decided to help me sift through pictures to make a collage. They brought food over. The chatty women seemed like they were determined to make this a pleasant experience. Bob brought a few albums from Grams’ condo, and explained that the rest were in the basement.
“Will you give me a hand getting the pictures?” I asked Rys.
“Of course,” he said and followed me down the stairs. I thought I’d spotted some boxes labeled ‘pictures’ one of the times I’d gone to the basement looking for things. I was right.
“I think they’re up there.” I pointed to a high shelf. Rys helped get the box down for me, and then he moved like he knew what he was looking for, and he retrieved several other smaller boxes. I looked at him curiously. He shook his head, basically telling me he wasn't sharing.
I spotted another box that said ‘throws’ on it, and snagged it, then followed Rys back upstairs.
Sally and Andrea were in the kitchen chatting over a freshly brewed pot of coffee, the rich, robust smell filled the kitchen. They were reminiscing about Grams. My chest squeezed. These women loved her. Rys set the box I had asked him to get down on the table, then proceeded to bring the other boxes upstairs.
I opened the box that said ‘throws’ and I found a light blue shawl that Grams used to sit outside with. She’d wrap it around her shoulders on cooler nights. Other times, it sat in the crook of her elbows as if it was just extra comfort. Well, that’s what I needed it for. Taking it out, I brought the soft fabric to my nose and inhaled. It still had the faintest smell of vanilla. It was one of the smells Grams used to wear. It made my eyes sting, but in a really good way.
Rys returned and opened the box of photos. There were so many pictures of me. “Look at your hair, honey,” he laughed setting a picture down.
“Please. I’m sure if your Mom was here, she’d be able to show me pictures of you that were way worse.”
The next picture was of Rebecca and me. We had our arms tight around each other and Alex was making faces at us from behind our backs. We were in the backyard goofing off after school. There was a slew of pictures of us growing up, and then we reached the end of the box. “Is that your Momma, sweetie? She looks just like you.” Sally asked.
I hadn’t looked at a picture of Momma in a long time. She was beautiful. My chest did more achy things and I excused myself from the ladies.
“You doing, okay?” Rys asked me wrapping me in his arms.
“Not really,” I answered honestly. “It’s hard to see my Momma’s face.”
“I can’t imagine what you went through, but your Mom should be included, don’t you think?” He was right. She was important to Grams. I hated to admit it, but she was important to me too, despite the gaping hole she left.
I nodded, “Can you just ask them to finish up? I think I need to lay down for a while.”
“Sure thing, Maple.”
I laid on my side staring at the wall with Grams’ shawl wrapped snuggly around me. Not much time passed before I felt Rys’ arm drape over my waist and pull me closer to him. “Rest, honey. Tomorrow will be a hard day.”
“I don't even know what I’m going to wear,” I mumbled.
“I do. Grams told me she didn't want you to go out and buy some dreary black dress and that you should wear that pretty one with the flowers on it. Her words, not mine.” He rubbed my side as he spoke.
“She told you that, huh? What else did she tell you?”
“To love you even when you’re a pain in the ass.”
My body went rigid, but Rys ignored it then kissed me on the back of my neck, and whispered, “Sleep.”
It was raining heavily. A sea of black umbrellas paraded to the funeral home entrance. I did like Grams requested and wore my floral print dress. Rys wore a navy suit with a dark green shirt under it. I’d never seen him in a suit before. He looked so handsome. He stayed close by all morning, fearful of me falling apart and as we closed our umbrella and stood in the receiving line for what felt like hours as the entire town, must have come to pay their respects, he never left my side then either. It didn't hurt that the Sun posted a one page spread on Grams. They had pictures of her over the years, including one of the two of us. It talked about the awards she’d won for her pies, the socialite parties she had attended in her younger days, and lastly how she raised her granddaughter. It was nice to see how the town viewed her, but the amount of people here was overwhelming.
This didn't feel like it was about me having closure. This felt like I had to stand here and give more of myself than I had to offer. I couldn't fake any more smiles, or thank another person for coming. I was running on empty, but for Grams, I persevered.
Carl and Darlene showed up and told me they were bringing the food to my house later. I thanked them and let some tears escape as Carl pulled me into a tight hug. Alex came and gave me a hug. Earl came too, accompanied by Rys’ mom. She was beautiful. She had dark hair just like his and the softest blue eyes. The pink floral print dress she wore, told me she got the memo from Rys, just like I did.
“Maple, this is my mom, Janet,” Rys introduced us.
“How are you holding up, Sugar?” She asked with the sweetest drawl.
“I’m hanging in there,” I semi-lied.
“Your Grams loved you so much,” Earl said from his wheelchair. He wasn’t dressed up. He had on jeans and a T-shirt. This brought me the strangest comfort.
“Thanks, Earl.”
“You know, I’ve always thought of you as family Maple, right?” I didn’t have an answer to that, but felt my chest get tight again, so I smiled through it. He grabbed my hand, and whispered, “I mean it.”
I knew he did too because in so many ways he was always watching out for me. “Are you coming over after?” I asked. “Carl’s bringing food.”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” he smiled warmly and Janet said, “I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you. I’m so glad you and Keenan found each other, and I can’t wait to get to know you. When you’re up to it, I’d love to have you over.”
The line never really thinned, but eventually, Rys grabbed my hand and said, “You need a break. Bob can handle it from here.” He brought me to the back of the room where a large floral print chair with ornate wooden armrests sat, and placed me in it. Then, he grabbed one of the folding chairs that were put out for guest, and put it in front of the chair. Not caring that there were dozens of people here, he slipped my shoe from my foot and began rubbing it. I had to admit, my feet hurt. Every time his thumb pushed deep into my heel, I felt a little bit of tension escape me.
We were seated next to one of the large easels covered in photos. Occasionally, people would come to look at them, and I’d hear things like “Look at how beautiful she was,” or, “I think that was her first marriage,” and, “Her daughter sure was beautiful, shame about her, though.”
After some very nice words from her friends, followed by Bob’s beautifully heartfelt public goodbye, the entire room bowed their heads, prayed, and then laughed as Bob pressed Play on a small boom box. BB King’s Let The Good Times Roll blared through the room.
I didn't know they were going to play this, and it felt like Grams did this for me. For the first time in days, I felt my smile genuinely quirk upwards. This was Grams' message for all of us--You only got one life to live, so let the good times roll.
“She really was magnificent, wasn't she?” Rys said close to my ear for only me to hear.
“Yeah, she really was.”
The house was filled with people. I was grateful that Carl and Darlene brought food, because after the many hours in the Funeral Home, I was exhausted. Janet stepped up for me and did her best to make sure everyone was attended to. I needed that, and I appreciated it.
It was getting late. All I wanted to do was to lay down. Most everyone had gone home, when there was a knock at the door. Rys was helping his mom with the dishes and Earl was asleep in his chair, so I stood from the sofa and opened the door. Rebecca stood there with a bottle of Jack Daniels in hand.
“Can I come in?” She asked moving the bottle in my direction.
Even though Rebecca and I only recently started to mend our fences, I was glad to see her. I nodded, and she moved to the kitchen and grabbed a few glasses. I watched Rys look at her quizzically, but then I opened the fridge and asked her if she wanted a chaser.
“Are you drinking a chaser?” She asked.
“Nope, I need all the mind-numbing alcohol I can get.”
“Then, me neither.” The glasses clinked as she dropped ice cubes in and then she broke the seal on the Jack.
“C’mon,” she said, grabbing my hand and leading me outside into the backyard. I looked back at Rys before we walked outside, and he mouthed, “You okay?” I nodded and followed Rebecca outside. It stopped raining hours ago and the sun quickly dried all of the rain so when we sat down the grass was soft against my legs. It was late, yet I could smell the soil and the fragrant lavender plant in the air.
When we were younger, we often would lay under the stars and talk. We’d talk about anything and everything. It was just two girls sharing their secrets. I’d tell her about Momma, and she’d cry with me if I had something bad happen. We’d sing songs and create dreams under those stars.
I don't know how Rebecca knew it, but when she led me to the place we’d often sit, it was exactly what I needed, and maybe, just maybe she needed it too.
“I loved her, you know,” she admitted after taking a gulp of her Jack Daniel’s, and wincing as it burned down her throat.
I nodded. “She was a good woman.”
“Don’t do that. Don't give me an answer like you’d give to everyone else. I know what she meant to you. Let’s get drunk off our asses, m’kay?”
I gulped the Jack in return and said, “Okay.”
It was quiet. Rebecca filled my glass once it was empty, “Do you remember that time we told Grams we were going to sleep out here and we met up with Jack and then went swimming until the sun came up and we thought we got away with it too, only when we got back Grams brought all of our sleeping bags and pillows inside and we had to sit outside for hours until she finally unlocked the door?”
“How could I forget? I was grounded for like, three weeks.”
“When we stopped hanging out, I missed those apple fritters she used to have ready for us when we’d get out of school. They were awesome.”
“Oh, my gosh they were so good. Do you remember Amber Sackett?”
“Yes! That summer, I swear she only hung out with us to eat Grams' goodies.”
“Yeah, but by mid-August, she must’ve gained fifteen pounds.” We both laughed and drank more Jack.
‘Thank you for coming,” I said squeezing her hand.
“I love you, Maple.”
“Dang it, I love you too.” I drank more of the Jack, and Rebecca laughed.
“What’s funny?”
“You. You still don't swear.”
“Oh what-the-heck-ever,” I laughed and drank more Jack feeling it settle in my stomach and marveling at how my legs suddenly felt a little numb.
“Say a bad word, I dare you,” she taunted.
“I will not.”
She giggled some more and then regaled me with more stories from our childhood with Grams. This went on for some time until my eyelids felt heavy and at some point, I remembered snuggling into Rys’ dress shirt as he carried me up to bed.
“Momma, open. I gots to pee.” I banged on the door. I’m three maybe four. “Momma. I gots to go!” My fist hit the door over and over again. No one was answering. I knew she was in there. I was outside playing and then she went in with him. Why wouldn’t she answer? “Momma!” I didn't know what to do. I ran up the stairs to our neighbor’s apartment. She was Momma’s friend. Sometimes, she would watch me. I banged on her door. No one answered.
Momma got mad if I went in my pants. “I can't hold it.” I banged again. “Momma!” I squeezed my legs together. I don’t want her to be mad. I waited and knocked and nothing. I’m alone and scared. I couldn't hold it anymore. Pee leaked down my leg, soaking my blue terry cloth jumper. I sat on the stairs embarrassed I couldn't hold it. She’s gonna be mad. I shook from nervousness. I didn't want Momma to be upset with me.
No one came. I leaned against the door frame. My eyelids felt heavy. I was tired. I had pee on me. Momma was gonna yell. Just as I was about to sleep the door opened.
Momma didn't notice me at first. He did. “Your kid smells like piss.” His black boots were all I saw as he stepped over me. The man walked away.
Momma crouched beside me. Her dress was buttoned funny and part of her bra stuck out of the side. “What are you doing, Maple?”
“I had to pee,” I cried.
“I was just inside, why didn’t you knock?”
“But, Momma.”
“No buts. You stand in the corner, while I clean this up.” I wanted to protest, but I knew she wouldn’t hear it. I went to the corner, pressed my nose to the paint, and cried as the wall melted away.
I was older, maybe seven. I was hungry. My stomach hurt. I flicked the light switch, but it wouldn’t turn on. “Momma you have to get up. I need food.”
“Just let me sleep,” Momma pleaded from under the covers. I couldn't let her sleep. I needed food. “Momma, I’m hungry.”
“You just ate. Shh, Maple. I’m so tired.”
I didn't just eat. I think it had been days. I needed something. I went outside and waited for any of our neighbors to come by, so that I could beg them for something to eat.
Outside, the air was different. There were no other trailers. No people. No anything. It was dark. A light moved in the distance. I followed it; no longer hungry; no longer a child. I saw Grams’ house in the distance. I moved to it. I wanted my Grams. The closer I moved towards her house, the further away it seemed. I was running. I wanted to reach the house. Grams was there,
I knew it.
What’s that noise? I blinked my eyes trying to figure out what the noise was.
“Maple, honey. You’re dreaming. Wake up. It’s only a dream.”
I blinked my eyes again. My head was pounding. A phone was ringing. Why was my phone ringing?
“It’s nine in the morning, the day after she buried her Grandma. No, it’s not a good time.” Rys was on my phone sitting up in bed. He was shirtless. The room was bright, the light hurt my eyes. I needed water, some Tylenol, and more sleep.
“Who is it?” My voice came out hoarse and I suddenly regretted drinking so much with Rebecca.
Rys shook his head in aggravation, “Yeah I’ll ask her, but I swear to Christ if you say anything to upset her any more than she already is, you better pray I don't find you.”
I sat up holding my head. I was still half asleep and shaken from my dream. My heart still hammered in my chest, but Rys’ tone had me needing to know who was on the line.
“Maple it’s your ex. Do you want to talk with him? He says he won’t upset you. I can get rid of him. Fucker called with a different number or I wouldn't have answered.”
I hadn’t heard from Bradley since the hospital. That day seemed like a blur.
I nodded and Rys handed me the phone. “Hello?” I answered, wishing I had water.
“Hey, Maple,” Bradley’s voice sounded concerned. “I don't want to upset you. How are you holding up?”
“Half asleep and hungover,” I answered honestly.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about your Grams. I know how much she meant to you. Listen, I don't think I can get much for it, but if you want me to sell your car I can do that. You know if you need money towards the expenses or anything.” That was thoughtful I supposed, but I probably couldn't get much for it, that’s why I left it there with him. It was on its last life.
“No, that’s not necessary. Grams had it all sorted.”
“Alright, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry, and if you ever need anything I’m here.”
“Appreciate you calling, but I think I’m good.”
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