I stared at her as she strolled her 120 pound, 5’8” frame with big gray eyes and matted, messy hair over to me to whisper in my ear like she had done my mother. I held my breath so that I would not throw up when I smelled her alcohol, booty smelling ass breath. I had never smelled anything so foul in my life so I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hold my vomit as she stared at me face-to-face. I could feel my eyebrows and all of the hair on the left side of my face melt as she leaned in to tell me why she had saved me.
“Know this lil mama, I didn’t stop Denise cause I care about you. I stopped her because I don’t want to miss the show. So, I suggest when she comes over her with that glass and pill yo lil ass take it and shut the fuck up. Know that our show will go on regardless so either you gonna be beat the fuck up when you do it or just high as fuck. It’s yo decision.” Woo Woo said before she kissed me on the cheek and stood back smiling like she had just told me the secret to life.
I felt panic rush over me as I realized whatever my mother had planned wasn’t new to them, it just involved different players. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and song our salvation song in my mind as I watched my mother walk back over to me. Just like Woo Woo said when my mother came back over she had a glass of vodka mixed with orange juice and a blue pill in her hand. She stopped right in front of me with her rotten snatch in my face and the smell almost blew me away. I had to force the pill down my throat after I took it and the glass out of my mother’s hand and quickly put it in my mouth. I drunk down the entire glass of vodka just to get the pill to go down, yet it still felt like it was hung in my throat.
“Now that’s all yo funky ass had to do in the first fucking place instead of making me slap the shit out of you. Now get yo dumb ass upstairs and fix yo face then get right the fuck back down here.” My mama said as I quickly got up out of the chair and ran out of the living room.
I was happy to get out of there and away from the staring faces, however I knew that I had to come back or else she would take her wrath out on Sha. That realization was enough to take the pep out of my step as I slowly walked up the stairs while I thought of a way out. “Ain’t no way around this shit either Tisha so don’t be thinking of some stupid ass plan as you walk up those steps.” My mother yelled from behind me, which made me stop in my tracks.
It was like she was reading my mind again and I couldn’t figure out how she did it. “Yeah bitch. I know everything. I told you the robots tell me so yo ass better hurry up before I think you plotting. Besides, what I got planned is gonna feel good so you might as well stop fighting it. We gonna see if little Tisha can pop that coochie and get mama paid. Them niggas got some money and dope down there so it’s time to Hoe up until I blow up. You hear me? Now get yo shaky ass upstairs.” My mother said as she laughed which caused me to jump and then bolt up the steps.
Once I was upstairs I ran straight to Sha’s door and knocked three times, then twice more to let him know that it was me. In seconds he was at the door and I could hear his little muffled breaths through the thick wood as he waited to hear my voice. Even at six-years-old my brother knew our mother was dangerous and couldn’t be trusted so he hid as much as he could.
“It’s me Sha and I’m okay. Just stay in there and Terricka will be here soon. Whatever you do and no matter what you hear, don’t come out. Okay?” I asked Sha as I kneeled down next to the door and put my forehead on the smooth wood surface.
I waited for my brother to respond as he cried and I cried my own tears. Seconds later I heard him as he got up off the floor and sucked up whatever tears he had left. “Okay Tisha, I’ll hide. I love you.” Sha said with strength that helped me to get up of the floor and face whatever was about to come.
I stood there for a second as I heard Sha’s little feet scurry across the floor then I turned to go into the bathroom. Inside I put on the red booty shorts and wife beater my mother had left on the counter before I washed away my tears and applied lip gloss. When I was done I stared at my bruised face in the mirror and I barely recognized the girl who stared back at me. The sorrow that I saw in my eyes sent shudders through my body as I tucked my pain deep inside and prepared to face the chaos my mother always created. By then the blue pill my mother had given me had kicked in and I felt light and wobbly all over. I tried to fight the haze in my brain the pill created as I stood with my head on the door and my hand on the knob. I tried to slow my breathing and ignore the anxiety that was beginning to build up inside of me but it was no use as thoughts of what was going to happen flashed in my mind. As soon as I opened the bathroom door my mother’s voice and the laughter from the junky spectators downstairs filled my ears and I drug my lifeless legs to the top of the stairs.
“Bring yo ass on down here Tisha, Lil Main waiting on ya and he ready!” My mother yelled with her back turned to the steps before she turned to smirk at me. “Oh here she go Lil Main, looking all refreshed and cute. She about to show yo ass something so get them lil bucks ready. Yo dollars spend too up in here.” My mama yelled back into the room as she laughed and I tried to make it down the steps without falling.
My legs shook violently with each step I took and my heart raced like I was on the biggest coaster in an amusement park. I tried to think of a way out but the haze in my brain was so thick everything was a blur. When I got to the bottom of the steps I stumbled a little but my mother was right there to catch me and drag me into the center of the room. I stood there in front of Lil Main as I held my breath and he stared with his red, tight gray eyes. I had to admit that he was cute with his big juicy, pink lips, smooth light skin and curly black hair; however, the way that he stared at me gave me this uneasy feeling in my heart and made butterflies flutter in the pit of my stomach.
“Damn Denise I didn’t know you was talking about this one. I thought you was talking about yo dark skinned daughter. This one cute but she bougie as fuck. I always be trying to talk to her lil thick ass and she always ignore me. Don’t you bougie?” Lil Main said as he reached over and flicked my hair and I stepped back out of his reach.
I quickly regretted pushing Lil Main to the side as soon as I had done it after I looked around and saw the angry look on my mother’s face. I knew that was a total act of defiance that would be punishable by another smack or an ass whooping, but I didn’t want Lil’ Main’s nasty ass hands on me. “Nah, I ain’t bougie.” I said to Lil Main as my mother glared at me and motioned for me to step back up in front of him.
“I just don’t fuck anything.” I whispered as I stepped back into my original spot and watched the annoyed look on his face turn into a smirk. I held my breath and broke my stare off with Lil Main as my mother got up out of the chair she was sitting in and went back over to the radio to turn the music back on. Suddenly, Whoomp There It Is blast through the speakers again and my heart pounded louder than the bass. “Do something Goddamit Tisha. What the fuck did I tell you?” My mother yelled as I stood there still, frozen in that spot.
A warm tingly feeling began to rise up from my toes to my head as Lil Main grabbed me in the waist and pulled me close to him. His strong, athletic arms felt good around my waist as he held me there, close enough to feel his breath on my neck. However, the nagging feeling inside of me told me that he wasn’t that knight in shining armor I always dreamed would rescue me.
“You used to not fucking anything huh? Well, now you’ll do what the fuck I say. This $100 in my pocket that yo mammy junky ass wants says so. Sooooo shake something lil bougie hoe.” Lil Main said before he reached around to slap me on the ass and everyone in the room laughed and cheered.
Before I knew what was happening Lil Main had spent me around and bent me over as he thrust his pelvis into my butt. I had to extend my arms out in front of me to keep my balance as I stared up at my mother with tears in my eyes and silently pleaded with her to end the madness. My mother’s laughter and harsh words filled my ears next as she made her way over to us and had me stand up so that she could whisper in my ear. Her breath was so h
ot on my neck it felt like it was searing my skin as her words melted my defiance.
“Bitch I told you not to embarrass me right? Now, I told yo funky ass he got money, $100 to tip you. SO yo ass better stand up here and dance like them bitches in the videos. Do what the fuck ever you have to do to get all of those dollars out of his hand. Do that and you can go back to yo room with yo lil mute brother and I won’t fuck the both of y’all up. Can you do that Tisha or should I just beat the shit out of you now and then just let him do what he wants to you for that $100? Huh? What you wonna do Tisha, its yo choice?” My mother whispered before standing back to look at me with nothing but hate.
I could see it in her eyes that she was serious and I knew that the little money she had was about to run out. All of those factors told me that I was in a lose, lose situation so I did the only thing that I could do and that was dance. Without answering my mother, I closed my eyes and backed up until I felt Lil Main’s massive manhood on my butt. My mother hurried over to restart the music as I grinded my hips to the beat in my head and Lil Main held me close. When the music came back on I felt a rush of energy that caused me to feel out of control. For a moment everything was tye-dye colored and every touch on my skin sent intense tingles all through me. I bounced and grinded my body on Lil Main with my eyes closed until I felt dollar bills as they fell down on my body. By the time the song stopped I was dripping wet with sweat and Lil Main’s lips and hands were all over me. The pumped up haze the pill had put me in slowly began to wear off as Lil Main dipped his hand down in the front of my shorts and let his fingertips graze my vagina. The feeling that gave me scared the fuck out of me as I attempted to pull back but he pulled me closer. My heart raced in my throat as I pushed, struggled, and began to panic while Lil Main tried to calm me down between kisses to my neck and face.
“Shhhh girl, the fuck you hollering for. This what you wanted how you was bouncing that ass on me. Besides I paid for this pussy already. What the fuck you think I’m here for? Yo mammy didn’t send my mama to get me for shit. I’m tired of burning her sloppy ass cap up anyway, so gone let me break you in Ms. Bougie.” Lil Main said before he kissed me deeply and stuck his tongue down my throat.
I almost threw up all of the food I had eaten that week as his nasty, stinky, cigarette, liquor, and cigar smelling breath invaded my lungs. My natural instincts kicked in instead though as I began to claw at Lil Main’s face until he let me go. I tried to break and run for the steps after I broke free from Lil Main, but before I could even move he was on my back with his arms wrapped tightly around me as he whispered in my ear.
“Ima fuck the shit out of you for that lil bitch. Right here in front of yo mammy.” Lil Main said as he suddenly threw me down in the chair, face first and began to rip my shorts down.
Panic filled me as I began to scream and yell for my mother who was still standing by the radio while she took a hit from a glass pipe. A big, thick cloud of white smoke enveloped her head as her laughter filled the air and I lost all hope of her helping me. I squirmed and moved as Lil Main continued to try and pull my shorts down while I begged someone to help me.
“Mama please. Pllleaaassseeeeee Mama. Make him stop. You got the money Please make him stop. Why y’all sitting here and letting this happen. Somebody please help me. If I was your daughter, you would want someone to help. Please stop this.” I cried as tears fell from my eyes and I held on to the front of my shorts while Lil Main ripped the back down.
I felt him stop for a minute and my heart stopped racing in my ears long enough for me to hear the man they called Snake as he demanded Lil Main get off of me. They argued for a few seconds as I let my head fall into the chair and tried to catch my breath while the room began to spin. By the time the room stopped spinning Lil Main was being snatched up off of me and I quickly regained my composure so that I could flee. I ran on my wobbly legs as I tried to see through my tears and people laughed all around me. Once at the door of the room I stopped for a second to turn around and stare at my mother. She stood there, high out of her mind with all of the dollars she had picked up of the floor in one hand and the glass pipe still in the other as she smirked at me with no remorse or sympathy. I felt no remorse or sympathy for what I said next either as I cried the tears of an abused little girl for the millionth time.
“I HATE YOU DENISE. YOU ARE A ROTTEN PERSON AND I HATE YOU. YOU’RE NOT MY MAMA. DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU’RE NOT MY MAMA. MAMA! MAMA!” I yelled in my dream when suddenly the word became so clear I could hear it in my own ears.
I jumped up out of the nightmare of the past I was trapped in and nearly fell out of the hammock right on top of A’Miracle as she called my name. I quickly caught myself and sat up right before I stared into the beautiful face of my daughter. At seven-years-old, A’Miracle was tall, slender and gorgeous with beautiful, flawless caramel skin like Jerrod and the deepest brown, most powerful eyes ever, just like me. I felt all of the pain and hurt that consumed me in my dream melt away as my daughter smiled at me warmly before she wiped away tears I didn’t even know had rolled down my cheeks. She had that effect on me. No matter how much the past loomed over me and threatened to disrupt the happy world I had built, A’Miracle was always like that ray of sunshine that bursts through the clouds to create a rainbow. She was my new Salvation Song.
“What’s wrong mommy are you sad? I bet my kisses and tickles can make you all better.” My baby said as she jumped on me and kissed away all of my sorrow. Minutes later A’Miracle and I rolled around on the lawn laughing as we tickled and kissed each other into submission. We laid on the sprawling lawn with the Cali sun high above our heads as a rainbow stretched form one corner of the sky to the next, and I wished that my life could stay that beautiful forever. I laid there wrapped up in my daughter’s arms for minutes as we talked about how beautiful the sky was and how fortunate we were to see it.
By the time we got up off the lawn and went into the house to go about our day, most of the sorrow my dream had drug to the surface was gone; however, I couldn’t stop the vivid images as they flashed in my mind. When Jerrod got home from working overtime on a Saturday it was late afternoon and I had just finished the salad, baked beans, and spaghetti for our cookout. He snuck up behind me as he often did and slipped his arms around my waist before he kissed my neck gently. “Ummm Mrs. Hill, you’re smelling mighty delicious today my love. Just waiting on daddy to come home huh? Well, I’m ready to eat.” Jerrod said as he spent me around and wrapped me in his arms before he kissed me deeply and passionately on the lips.
I kissed my husband back and welcomed the warmth that only his love could bring, but my body spoke volumes by itself. I could tell the second our lips touched that Jerrod knew something was bothering me, because just like me he wore his heart on his sleeve. He quickly let me go and held me out so that he could stare into my eyes with that penetrating glance and see straight down to my soul. I tried to look away as my husband looked at me with love and concern written all over his face, but he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “Tisha what’s wrong baby? Don’t say nothing because I know it has to be something.” Jerrod said as I shook my head no and attempted to walk away from him.
I hated to hide anything from my husband, but I knew that our happiness was already fragile with everything we had gone through in the past. The last thing I wanted to do was send our world spiraling out of control once again and end up broken and alone. I wanted to keep my family just the way it was so I forced that radiant smile I usually wore back on to my face before I turned back to look at Jerrod.
“I’m okay baby just a little tired, I had a lot of work to do today on my book. I had to relive some things I wanted to leave buried, but I’m better now that you’re home.” I lied as I stepped back into my husband’s embrace and hugged him tightly.
I could tell Jerrod was still not buying what I was saying because his embrace wasn’t as tight when he hugged me that second time. However, lucky for me A’Miracle loved to make sure her
daddy knew she missed him whenever he was gone, so she popped in right on time to offer a much needed distraction.
“It’s my daddy, it’s my daddy. I missed you daddy.” A’Miracle said as she popped around the corner to the kitchen and ran towards Jerrod.
He slowly let me go while he stared intently into my eyes and I tried to hide the pain that was still inside of me. A’Miracle broke our gaze as she jumped into to Jerrod’s arms and his look of concern turned into nothing but happiness. Within seconds they were giggling and joking as Jerrod danced around the kitchen while he held A’Miracle tightly to him and sung I Choose You by Willie Hutch. I stood by the stove as I stirred the beans and watched the two people I loved most in the world love on each other. I couldn’t help but to adore the relationship Jerrod and A’Miracle had, which was a father, daughter relationship I always dreamed of.
I wiped away the single tear that had fallen from my eye when I heard Jerod tell A’Miracle she was the best thing that ever happened to him. “And you’re the best daddy ever.” A’Miracle said back to Jerrod before she gave him a big kiss on the cheek and he returned the love as he kissed her on the forehead.
“Okay now that both of my ladies are okay and have felt daddy’s love, I’m gonna go shower right fast and then we will crank the grill up and get the party started. Go put on your pretty dresses ladies, its dinner under the stars tonight.” Jerrod said with the biggest smile I had ever seen spread across his face.
Within seconds both Jerrod and A’Miracle had disappeared up the stairs full of happiness and anxious to spend time together. I tried to feel the same enthusiasm that they felt as I climbed the steps behind them, but something deep inside kept telling me something bad was on the way. I couldn’t shake that feeling even as I changed into my yellow and white sundress and went outside to sit in my hammock. I sat there and swung for a few minutes, trapped in my memories until suddenly music filled my ears. I turned around to see Jerrod as he came out of the house with the meat to start the grill while A’Miracle and her dog Binx trailed behind him. I watched Jerrod light the grill and start the meat while talking to A’Miracle and Binx like they were the audience and he was the host of his own cooking show. By the time he came to sit down beside me I was so tickled by his antics, tears rolled down my cheeks.
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