My fit of laughter finally stopped when Jerrod reached over to grab my face so that I could look at him. The look in his eyes told me that he knew what was going on without me even having to say a word. I told him anyway though. I sat there and revealed all of the secret nightmares and vivid daydreams I’d had in the past few months as A’Miracle ran back and forth with Binx and Jerrod listened intently. When I was done talking tears fell from my cheeks again and like every other time in my life since we were reunited, Jerrod was right there to wipe them away.
“Baby I think it’s only natural that you sometimes remember the past. We have to have darkness in order to have light my love. The thing is, we can’t let the darkness consume us. Don’t let the darkness consume you Tisha. The past is the past. We have to just keep moving forward baby. I’m here for you no matter what and we will get through this all. I know what’s really wrong. You’re missing your sister and your brother. We should plan a trip back home soon. Maybe having them around for a while will let you see its okay to relive the past sometimes but you also have to look forward to the future. I love you Shartisha Hill and I’m going to tell you like I told you about seven years ago. WE GONE BE AITE!!” Jerrod said before he kissed me on the tip of my nose and I started to laugh too.
A’Miracle and Binx were at our side in seconds to join in on the fun as we all laughed and hugged for a while. After dinner, Jerrod and I sat on the deck in our glider with A’Miracle and Binx in the swing, and watched the sun set over the mountains. It was so beautiful and peaceful in that moment I wanted it to never end. Jerrod wrapped his arm around me and I laid my head on his shoulder before I sighed and released that twinge of fear inside. I felt complete and whole in that moment and that was a feeling I had never experienced before. “Do you think things can stay this perfect forever?” I asked Jerrod as I watched A’Miracle close her eyes and let the peacefulness of the moment rock her to sleep.
For a second all was quiet and I thought Jerrod wouldn’t answer, but then he kissed me in the top of the head before he spoke. “I hope that it will. I will do my best to keep it this way.” Jerrod promised while he looked me in the eyes and I felt that maybe it could stay that way.
That feeling didn’t last long though because suddenly the phone rang and startled us out of our loving moment. I told Jerrod I would get it so he wouldn’t have to get up and dashed across the lawn and into the house to answer it. As soon as I answered the phone and heard the voice on the other end I knew that the pain that I felt lurking around the corner had found its way home. I just hoped that this time I wouldn’t be destroyed in the process.
“Tisha, it’s me. I need to come down there for a while. Shit real ugly down her in Sacramento and I think that if I stay here I’m going to jail. Can I live with you and Jerrod for a while? At least until a nigga figure out what he finna do?” My brother Sha said frantically into the phone as my heart dropped into my stomach.
I stood there frozen in shock for a second with the phone in my hand and I tried to make sense of what Sha had just said. The nineteen-year-old man Sha had become over the years was so much different from the smart, shy boy I had raised and I didn’t know what to expect. I did know that my brother’s personality hadn’t changed and trying to figure out what had happened with him over the phone would not be successful. SO like the dedicated sister who always acted as his mother, I swallowed the lump in my throat, smothered the cries and screams threatening to come out of my mouth and did what any good sister would do.
“Be at the bus station at 10 am Sha, you know I got you. Love you little brother.” I said to Sha as I confirmed his ticket on my laptop and waited on him to respond. I could feel my heart beating a mile a minute as I stood there on wobbly legs and glanced out of the window to see Jerrod and A’Miracle still laying out peacefully. I was happy they were oblivious to what was going on and I was going to try to shield them for as long as I could.
“Thank you Tisha. You all I got because Terricka don’t care about shit anymore and my daddy just as bad since he got this new bitch. I gotta go before I do some shit I don’t want to T. I got to. Now I understand why you had to go when you did. Know that I don’t blame you for shit big sis. I love you. Matter of fact, I love you to the moon and back Tisha. 1!” Sha said before he hung up and left me to stand there with tears in my eyes.
I stood at the sink with the phone still in my hand for a minute before my fingers dialed a number on their own. Before I knew it I was on the phone with Terricka as she yelled for me not to call again and how she didn’t give a fuck what was happening to Sha. I held the phone and didn’t say a word as she ranting on and on about me and Sha then went on to curse her kids out. By the time she suddenly hung up on me tears ran down my face fast and hard as my body shook from pure emotion. I felt lost as I stood there wondering what was going on with my siblings. I cursed my mother from her grave and blamed it all on her as my emotions got the best of me. Before I knew it I was throwing plates while I cried and cursed to the top of my lungs. I know I must have looked like a mad woman to Jerrod as he burst into the house and grabbed me up in his arms.
“TISHA what’s wrong?” Jerrod asked as tears fell from his eyes and I blurted out everything through my tears. When I had let it all out I felt drained and lifeless in his arms as he carried me into the living room and laid me on the sofa. “Just lay here for a second baby and let me go get A’Miracle and put her to bed. Then we will get you a bath and off to bed. Everything is going to be aite, I promise you. Shamel will be here tomorrow and soon we will all be back together with Terricka. It’s gonna work out baby, I promise you.” Jerrod said before he kissed me again and dashed outside to get our baby.
I laid there with my eyes closed as visions of what could happen played in my mind. By the time Jerrod came back to get me and put me in the bath, I felt numb and so out of it I could barely walk. My husband carried me upstairs and to our room where he put me in a hot, bubble bath. Jerrod washed me gently as I sat there in a daze and wondered how my life could be so bleak. Once out the tub I allowed my husband to love on me after he dried off my body and tears. Jerrod and I made love to the sound of our heartbeats that night while he professed his love and devotion then I fell asleep in his arms.
My dreams were filled with happiness and hope that night, not the sadness and sorrow that had haunted me many nights before. I woke up refreshed and ready to conquer the day until I went downstairs to make breakfast and the doorbell rang. As soon as I opened the door and saw my brother as he stood in front of me 6’4”, 200lb with dreads, gold teeth, a black eye, and bandages and bruises all over him, I knew that pain had found my family once again and there was no way I could turn back. I just hoped that the sins of our mother would spare Sha and I could save him from some of the pain I had felt. I hoped, but just like lottery winners in the ghetto, it seemed that hope didn’t exist.
Chapter 2
Sha: Fuck Second Chances
After I hung up the phone with Tisha I just couldn’t shake the monkey on my back that seemed to hold me down. Just the sound of her voice brought up memoires that I tried to bury forever. I missed my sisters and their love but the thought of them just dug up too much pain. I couldn’t think about them without thinking about Denise and that was just too much for me to deal with. However, I knew I was in a fucked up situation where I was at so once again my sisters were all I had.
I sat the phone down and held my head as that intense pain my traumatic brain injury and horrible childhood brought on took over me. The throbbing was so bad that no matter how much I rubbed my temples or the massive scar that stretched from one side of my head to the other under my dreads, it wouldn’t stop. Suddenly I was overcome by the most vivid memory I had, the memory of the day I almost died. In that moment I was that ten, almost eleven-year-old boy again being drug from his hiding place by a drugged out psycho mama and lead to his death.
“You little ugly muthafucka, it’s you she loves the most. It’s you she’s always t
rying to protect. That bitch stabbed my man, the nigga who kept me straight so now I gotta take something from her. You what she loves huh? Well, she does but I don’t. I hate you Shamel and everything you represent. If I had known you were gonna be retarded when you were born I would have killed you then, but I didn’t so I will just rid the world of yo worthless ass now.” My mother said with malice as she drug my small, malnutrition body out of the apartment and to the rail with her nails dug deep into my wrists while I fought, squirmed, and tried to claw my way out of her grip.
I remember how I clung to her fucking arms with tears in my eyes as I begged her to let me go. I remember the cold, evil look in the bitch’s eyes too as she yanked her dirty, clammy skin out of my grip and hoisted my frail body up over her head. I could still feel the way that my heart raced in my chest and hear my own screams ring in my ears as I sat in the oversized recliner next to the window at my father’s house nine, almost ten years later. That memory haunted my dreams and caused my anxiety along with the fits of rage that were almost uncontrollable. Those memories and the nightmares that accompanied them are what caused the wedge between me and my father. That along with bitch that he married and her four kids.
From the day Alice married my dad in secret at a courthouse wedding one day when I was 14 and at school, my life changed. The first two years after the accident before her, were hard with all of my surgeries and having to learn to walk and talk again. My dad missed so much work and was so worried about if I would ever recover he lost his job and we had to move in with his mother. Money was tight after that and life was a bit hard but it was nothing compared to what I had come from. My dad, Shaheim and I became closer than ever during that time and he gave me the love I needed to get as close to normal as possible again. Physically I regained my strength with my motor skills intact and started to feel like Sha again.
All that was left as a reminder of my horrible past were all of my scars and the burn that covered half of my body. That along with the mental stains that made it hard for me to trust or really get close to anyone, except my father and grandmother Rose. So for those years I had a real life while I struggled with my internal demons on my own and watched my father dwell in loneliness and guilt for never being there for me. That is why when he met Alice I welcomed the smile she brought to his fucking face and thought that I would finally get the life I deserved.
Soon after they got together though Alice moved in and everything flipped upside down. I found out she had twin sons older than me, a daughter the same age as me, and a daughter who was a year younger. All of them invaded my world and caused a rift between me and the dad I had really just started to know and love, which was a rift that could not be repaired. Once they were married after my fifteenth birthday, the bullshit began with Alice. She excluded me from shit because she said I was slow and wouldn’t catch on or me and my walker was too much of a burden for her.
Sometimes when I would come into a room her and her kids were in I could overhear them talk about how things would be better if I wasn’t around. I told my dad about that shit and he did nothing, just told me to suck it up and stop whining like a girl. He acted just like the bitch ass nigga I knew he was deep inside and took his hoe side. That’s why I internalized my anger for a while and worked hard to get strong and in no time I did that. In fact, I was in better shape than most young boys who hadn’t been inches within death.
Despite the shit everyone said I overcame my physical limitations, started to play basketball, and worked hard on the mental and social challenges I faced. I was in special education for a while as I struggled to speak and understand what I read, then one day something just clicked. Maybe it was the nightmares of my mother being alive and coming to get me or the constant verbal abuse and degradation from my father, step mother, and three of her kids. Whatever it was, that shit motivated me and I started to understand every fucking thing. I graduated high school at 17 with an honor’s diploma and a scholarship to UCLA but that shit quickly went south. It was like my dad, despite what he said, didn’t believe in me or want me to be shit. He was stressed at that point about paying the high ass mortgage for the house in The Fabulous Forties subdivision his wife insisted we move to so he took it out on me.
Every day for a year he would come home and find a reason to either lash out at me with his words or lay hands on me. He thought I was his own personal fucking punching bag the moment that bitch moved in, but that day was different. I was tired of him telling me I wasn’t pulling my weight because I was retarded or nagging about everything I did or said. It was like he took on Denise’s role to torture me and I wasn’t in for another devil running my life. So I did something I thought I would never have to do and I beat his ass that day like a pussy ass nigga in the street. That shit landed my black ass in jail after his wife called the police and he pressed charges for domestic assault.
I spent six months in jail behind that shit with no one to come see me or to even fucking call. I wanted to call my sisters because I knew they would be there, especially Tisha, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I was in jail. I knew Tisha would be disappointed so I dismissed that idea before I even let it stick in my head. Instead I linked up with a goon I had met in the hood one day I was with Alice’s daughter who was my same age named Lydia, the only person who liked me, and was reintroduced to the wild side of life. This nigga Lydia introduced me to was a real fool named Toon and we clicked instantly. That nigga was like me a retard, fuck up that nobody wanted, however, just like me he wasn’t actually retarded just damaged as hell with a need to belong somewhere.
On lockdown me and that nigga ran the pod, sold dope, and took out our aggression on any nigga who dared to step up. I was a different fucking person when I was around that nigga, free to inflict pain instead of receive it and I liked that shit. That’s why when they finally let me out I went to North Highlands and kicked it in Cottage Meadows with Toon and his goons, free to fuck up the world. I was out there for six months just reckless. I got down with the cause and joined the lifestyle which included drugs, banging, sex, and anything else I wanted to do. I spent my nineteenth birthday in the trap with bad bitches, dope, and guns all around me. I did some shit that really fucked with my mind while I was out there non-stop, which is why I wasn’t even mad when my dad finally found me one day.
Lydia brought him right to me and I came back on the promise that shit would change. It did change for a while too until Alice lost some earrings. That bitch swear I had them and that’s what lead to the black eye that was still tender to the touch. That and the fact that I had a meltdown at my job at Footlocker after a bitch who looked just like Denise walked in. I couldn’t control myself when I saw her, I tried to reach out and touch that hoe before everybody grabbed me and told me to calm down. After that I just flipped the fuck out from everything that had built up and I wrecked the entire fucking store.
My dad freaked the fuck out when I got home that day and yelled about how I was a retarded, fuck-up, thief because he knew I had Alice’s earrings. His words as he yelled in my face that day hurt, and although almost a week had passed they still made my heart race and anger build up in my heart. I don’t think it was really what he was saying that fucked with me because I didn’t care what a bitch nigga like him who let a hoe run him thought. No, I think it was more so what the words represented because they reminded me of the hate I had heard all of my life. It wasn’t really his voice I heard that yelled out I was nothing, it was Denise, the monster who haunted my dreams. She still had a way to ruin my life and make me pay for her sins, even from the grave.
I had to sit back in the chair and close my eyes in order to catch my breath as this realization mixed with the voice of Denise filled my mind. It was like a symphony of sorrow that swirled in my mind and ignited a rage that made me scared.
“Sha you retarded muthafucka, you are worthless. Why did I have you? You ain’t never gonna be shit. I hate you.” Their voices yelled in my mind as they took turns in a
n attempt to tear me apart.
I quickly used my hands to cover my ears to calm myself and silence the torture in my mind. I squeezed my palms deep into my ears and the side of my head as my body trembled and I gritted my teeth while huge tears ran down my cheeks. I could feel one of those uncontrollable rages inside of me as it waited on something to initiate the explosion that was evitable. I didn’t have to wait long though because suddenly I could hear the voice of one of my tormentors close by.
“What the fuck wrong with you old stupid ass boy? Didn’t you hear me calling you? Sha? Shamel? SHA!” My dad yelled as I slowly opened my puffy, bloodshot eyes and stared into his face.
I could tell that he was damn near drunk from the slur in his speech and the unsteady sway in his step. I knew that meant he was ready for confrontation so I quickly stood up and got ready to give him what he came for. I towered over my father at 6’4”, 200lbs of pure muscle while he stood his little old, 5’7” 180lb ass there and tried to look tough. That shit didn’t impress nor scare me anymore and his bitch ass could see that from the way I showed him my grill and folded my arms in front of me. I could see the bitch in his eyes too as he mimicked my actions, but he didn’t back down. It was like he wanted to provoke me to beat his ass and I was ready to give him his wish. “Yeah I heard you calling me. What the fuck you want?” I said through clenched teeth before I quickly wiped away the last tear that linger on my cheek.
Sins of Thy Mother 4 Page 4