Sins of Thy Mother 4

by Niki Jilvontae

  “Hey lil bruh. Wassup big homie?” I asked Sha as my heart began to slow down and I felt the fuzz and voices in my mind fade away. “Maine, Terricka wassup with you? I’m worried about you for real sister. Now, you know I’m a real nigga so I ain’t finna beat around the bush or shit with you. I gotta say this and I want you to just listen. You Losing it, flat out. I can’t fucking believe all the shit Tisha had been saying was true. I can’t believe you on the phone talking to her like that after all the shit we been through. We all the fuck we got Terricka! ITS JUST US. NOBODY ELSE! How can all we had turn into this? I can’t and won’t accept this shit.” Sha yelled as he breathed hard into the phone and I felt my heart stop.

  I had never heard my little, frail, soft spoken brother talk like that. Even though a lot of time had passed and he had changed into a man without me seeing him for years, I never imagined him as the stern, man he had become. The wise, bold man who would call me on my shit, but not tear me down. That’s why I listened him and tried to process every word that he said.

  “Now, I heard you telling Tisha she nosey and messy, and shit because she called you concerned about Tania. Well, be mad at me then because I’m the one who told her that shit. I told her cause I’m scared of what you may be going through alone, and what my nieces and nephews might be going through. Now Terricka, I know we all got our fucking dragons to slay and demons to confront, but we can’t do this shit alone. We couldn’t get out of hell alone so what makes you think this will be so easy? Come on now Terricka. We love you even if nobody else does. I just want us to be like we used to be. Can we Terricka? Talk to your sister Terricka!” Sha demanded as I felt that wall I had built around my heart begin to crumble.

  Tears hit me quick and hard as I sat back and they rolled down my face and fell down on to the front of the tight, blue dress I had on. I wanted so bad to be who everyone expected me to be, but a part of me just couldn’t care. I fought that part though as I let my brother coax me into yet another reconciliation with the sitter I always adored but grew to resent.

  “Oaky Sha. Okay. I’ll talk. For you, I’ll talk.” I said as I dried up my tears and prepared for whatever the conversation with Tisha would bring.

  “Thank you sister. I love you maine.” Sha said as I told him I loved him to before I dried up my tears. I listened to him call Tisha as I cleared my throat and sat up on the couch try and talk with more poise. I didn’t know how long that would last though if Tisha got back on the phone with the shit, but I was willing to give it a try. When I heard her shaky voice on the other end I had a moment of clarity and all we had gone through flashed before my eyes. Somehow I was seventeen again and we were head to head in our bed with blood in our panties and tears in our eyes because our mother had sold us for drugs. Suddenly I felt that bond we once shared and I wanted to cry out for my sister to forgive me, but something inside just wouldn’t let me do it. Instead I sucked up the tears that threatened to break forward again and held my breath while I listened.

  “Umm Terricka, let me just start by saying how much I love you. Growing up you were all I had; my mother, role model, doctor, counselor, my best friend. You were and will always be the best sister in the world because just like you said, you gave up your life for me. I will forever be indebted to you for that sister. Let me pay you back. Please let me pay you back.” Tisha whispered as a few tears trinkled from my eyes.

  I quickly dried them up as I tried to keep my composure and keep further visions and memories of the past at bay.

  “Terricka, I know I hurt you when I left. I also know that what happened di something to you I will never understand. I know that hearing me of all people chastise your actions now is what infuriates you the most. I know all of this sister and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a coward and leaving. I’m sorry you had to slay the dragon on your own and carry that cross with all the others. And I’m sorry for having to talk to you like this but, T something has to change. Your kids deserve to meet the real you. Let me help you sister. PLEASE TERRICKA. LET ME HELP YOU!!!” Tisha cried as my tear burst forward like a river through a cracked damn.

  “Ohh T, please don’t cry. Just say I can help and I’m there. I know you’re going through so much sister. You need my love. You need our song. That always helps right? You remember the words Terricka?” Tisha asked me as I continued to bawl, but managed to say yes through my tears. “Okay, let’s sing it.” Tisha said before she began to sing the song that almost brought me back.

  “Nothing is forever what we’re hoping for,

  No more pain so don’t you cry anymore.

  Hold your head up high and dry yo tears,

  Let me help you through and erase yo fears.

  We’ll overcome it all if we stick together,

  We just gotta believe nothing lasts forever (nothing lasts forever).”

  Tisha sang as I joined in and tried hard to grab a hold to her love and help. I tried but the voices in my head came back and my kids began to run, yell, and scream all at once. I could feel everything start to overcome me as Tisha began the song again, but it was far too late. A loud bang, followed by my son cursing then a loud shatter, pushed me right out of calmness back into the haze of insanity and anger I dwelled in. I quickly jumped up out of my seat and ran to the foot of the steps to yell at my kids with the phone still in my hand. One voice told me to calmly ask what happened but the other one said go the fuck off.

  “WHAT THE FUCK IS YALL UGLY ASSES UP THERE DOING? I’M FINNA COME UP THERE AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU BITCHES. IGNORANT MUTHAFUCKAS!” I yelled through my rage as I heard their footsteps stop, but my kids laugh as they imitated my voice. “Okay, you lil bitches wonna play. I’m show ya!” I yelled as I huffed and puffed while I walked back into the living room to find my big, leather belt. “Terricka calm down. What happened. Please sister, it’s gonna be alright.” Tisha said as I rolled my eyes and dug through the mountains of shit to find my weapon of choice.

  I didn’t hear shit she said as I concentrated on the voice in my mind that told me to beat their asses, lock them in their room, and then get the fuck out the house before I did something I would regret. I listened to that voice instead of Tisha’s pleas as I continued to hunt for the belt. After a few seconds I found it under an empty pizza box and quickly grabbed it up before I wrapped it around my hand ready to go whoop ass.

  “Look Tisha I gotta go.” I yelled with irritation and rage in my voice as my sister protested. “No Terricka, I can’t let you off the phone like this. Calm down and tell me what happened.” Tisha said as I decided to just say what she wanted to hear.

  I took a deep breath and pretended to calm myself as my sister hummed the words to our salvation song. More runs, jumps, and bangs over my head quickly ended that fake ass meditation and made me snap into pyscho mode. “I’m good Tisha, I am. I gotta go though. I’mma call you next week and tell you when to come. Bye.” I yelled before I hung up the phone and threw it on the couch before I ran towards the stairs.

  “OKAY YOU LIL BASTARDS HERE I COME NOW.” I yelled through clenched teeth as I ran up the steps two at a time, ready to end their noise and get the fuck out of the house. As soon as I got halfway up the steps I could heard their footsteps as they scattered and ran for a hiding place. That shit didn’t matter though because I was mad as fuck and their bad asses was gonna feel my rage.

  “Where the fuck y’all at and what the fuck y’all do?” I asked as I got up on the landing and walked straight into my bedroom. It was filthy as usual because I didn’t give a fuck about cleaning when the demon seeds from hell would mess it right the fuck back up, but on top of the usual trash and clothes on the floor of my room, there was glass everywhere. I quickly tiptoed through the glass deeper inside my room to see that the little fuckers had broken my mirror on my dresser along with the little glass heart filled with glitter my mother had bought me back when I wasn’t even old enough to wipe myself. It was the only thing I had from the good times, the only thing
I had kept to remember the good side of her. That was the one thing in the house I absolutely forbad them from touching and they had broken it.

  I couldn’t control my rage as I went over and bent down to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart. I couldn’t control my rage as I stood up and threw the glass against the wall before I tore open my closet and pulled Rodney Jr. out of his hiding spot. I quickly yanked his 4’8”, 110lb, 6-year-old body up by the collar of his dirty, blue t-shirt and drug him out as he cursed and told me to let him go. “Let me the fuck go. I didn’t even do it. Don’t hit me. Please damn.” He yelled as I threw him on the bed and began to slice him everywhere with the belt that I could reach.

  I hit him over and over again across the face as he cried and yelled out how much he hated me. “I hate yo ass too lil smart mouth fucker, damn trouble making snotty nose bastard.” I yelled as I landed a pop to his right eye and he yelped like a scolded dog.

  That meek, compassionate, tiny part of me that controlled a voice in my head stepped forward at that moment and for second I almost reacted like a real mother. I almost ran over to comfort and apologize to my child, but that side of me that didn’t care wouldn’t let me. Instead I left him there to cry while I went and found the others and delivered some of the same merciless ass whooping. I found my second son, Ryan, in him and his brother’s room crouched down in their dirty clothes hamper and attacked. I yanked his little light weight, five-year-old ass up quick and unleashed a series of pops all the way up his back to his head before I drug him into the girl’s room where I knew they always hid. Once inside I threw him on the bed as he cried and I glared down at the welts that had begun to pop up all over his body.

  “I’m sorry mommy, I’m really sorry. Please don’t whoop Tania and Talya. I broke it fighting with Rodney. Don’t whoop my sisters.” Ryan begged as he cried and stared up into my eyes. For a second, right there in that moment I saw my son as Sha while he sat and begged our psycho mom to spare us. Even though the fuzz in my mind and the voices that controlled me were strong at that moment, for some reason my son’s words and that vision got through. For some reason I was able to hear and feel for him, and spare his sisters.

  “Shut the fuck up. Don’t tell me what the fuck to do. Tania, Talaya. Get y’all funky asses out here right now and I mean it. Rodney Jr get yo bad, smart mouth, blind, cry baby ass in here too.” I yelled as my kids hurriedly ran out of their hiding spots right to me as they cried. “No, mama please I didn’t do nothing. Neither did Talaya.” My four-year-old daughter Tania said through her tears as she tried to defend her three-year-old sister as well as herself.

  I watched her little lip quiver as she cried and reached over to hug her sister before Rodney stepped in front to shield them both. “Maine, I broke it mama. Leave them alone please.” Rodney said as he continued to hold his eye and Ryan got up to stand beside him. For a second I felt outnumbered, unloved, and like a total disappointment to my kids, just like my mother must have felt many times before. Right then I kind of saw things from Denise’s point of view and I hated that shit. That made me lash out again so I quickly began to swing the thick leather belt in the air and hit each of my kids in a different spot.

  I left them all to cry as they laid on the bed and Rodney covered their welted up bodies with his. When I got to the door I turned around to stare at them and my son looked up to meet my gaze. It really was a sad sight to see them like that a sight that brought up old demons I should have learned from. However, it was too hard for me to feel what I was supposed to. It was hard for me to stand there and look at my son while I faced all the fucked up shit I did too, but that was all I could do.

  “No matter what you do to us mama, I’ll still always love you, but I hate living with you and seeing you every day. Let us go to live with aunt Tisha. Just let us GOOO!” Rodney cried as I rolled my eyes at him, walked out, and slammed and locked the door behind me. Once outside I took in several deep breaths as I fought the voices and tried to care while my son’s words rang in my ears.

  “I hate living with me too Rodney. I really do. Maybe one day soon it will all end.” I said as I walked away and left my kids locked in their room to console each other just like the three kids who lived in hell before them.

  Once out on the landing I walked down the hall and sat down on the top step exhausted and tired of feeling the way I did. I was so done being sad, guilty, and just down right miserable all the time but that was all I knew. I put my head in my hands and tried to take in deep breaths again so that I could think through the way I felt. Deep down I didn’t like the way I treated my kids and I knew that shit was wrong. I just couldn’t help it because I was always mad, broke, and disgusted, and had grown so used to pain. I wanted to be the mother mine never was to me, but I just didn’t know how to. I didn’t know how to be their mother; their protector and guidance because I couldn’t even do that shit for myself. I figured I was still better than my mother though because I hadn’t ever sold them or let anyone violate them in any kind of way. In my delusional, drugged out mind that was enough. I cared enough about them to shield them from that kind of pain but I still couldn’t love them like I should have because I didn’t love myself.

  I sat there and worked through my thoughts as the fuzz in my mind came back and I felt out of control. I had to remember Sha’s voice and Tisha’s words to fight through that haze, but all that did was make my memories of my own hell take over my mind. Suddenly I was fourteen again, back in Denise’s house free to feel her wrath. “Terricka, ShaTerricka! Bring yo stanky ass here you lil hot bitch.” My mother yelled as I quickly jumped up from the spot on the floor I was in as I read a magazine article about some celebrity kid’s huge birthday party and we all dreamed it was our lives.

  My mother’s mayhem quickly ruined that dream though as I got up, sucked up the tears that had begun to build up in my heart and slowly walked towards the door. Once outside the room I turned to look at my brother and sister as they hugged and cried with tears in their eyes. “I love you Terricka.” Tisha said. “I love you too T.” Sha said right behind her as he cried and buried his head in her chest.

  I put on a brave face and smiled at my siblings before I reassured them and tried to ease their fears. “I love y’all too, now stop crying. Everything gonna be okay.” I lied as I turned to walk away and the knot in my gut told me it wouldn’t be okay.

  I closed the door behind me and walked on shaky legs until I got to the top of the steps. After I stood there for a few minutes and gave myself a pep talk I walked down the steps and into the living room to face my angry mother. She sat there in the dirty chair next to the window looking like a cracked out flamingo who had got ran through dirt with her friend Peggy sitting next to her and they both sucked on glass pipes.

  I could feel my heart beat in my throat as I walked up to her and stood to wait on my punishment that was sure to come. Despite me being right in front of her my mother took hit after hit of crack before she blew huge clouds of smoke directly into my face. I coughed and choked on the thick, stinky clouds and tried to step away. I tried, but before I could my mother reached out and grabbed me by the arm to pull me close to her face. Her breath was so foul I felt my stomach churn and the skin on my face begin to peel.

  “Soooo Terricka. Yo li freaky ass been outside being nasty and fucking with lil niggas for free huh?” My mother asked as I shook my head no and she began to smirk. I tried to think of something to get me out of the situation I was in but at that moment I could see no way out. It was obvious to me that Mrs. Avery, the old lady who lived in the building behind us, had seen me and my almost boyfriend Tino kissing by her back porch and told my pyscho mama. I knew that if she told, my mama believed it and I was about to get fucked up. That’s why I sucked that shit up and braced myself for what was to come. If I would have known what was to come though, I would have run for my life.

  “No ma’am, I wasn’t being nasty. I just gave my boyfriend Tino a kiss. That’s all mama, I�
�m sorry.” I said as she stared at me out of the side of her eye. I watched her as she looked over at her friend and smirked before she sucked her teeth and grabbed the jar of Icy Hot she had on the table.

  “Oh so bitch you grown enough to be out here kissing niggas, and for FREE, but you didn’t bring me shit. I don’t give a fuck about shit else but that. Lil dumb hoe if I ain’t taught you shit I would have thought you would know that. No cash no ass lil dumb bitch, but I guess I gotta teach you this the hard way huh?” Denise yelled as she quickly sat her pipe down, grabbed me up, and quickly lifted up my gown. “Mama, please stop. What are you doing?” I asked as I struggled in Denise’s grip as she reached down to pull down my panties.

  I tried to pull them back up as she pulled the down and that made her mad as fuck. She quickly stood up and punched me in my face, which caused me to grab my nose and mouth instead. I remember hard had she hit me and the warm blood that filled my mouth and dripped down the front of my gown. I remember it all like it was yesterday, every gory detail. “Now grab them muthafuckas again lil bitch and I’mma knock yo ass out. This will teach yo hot ass a lesson.” My mother said as she crouched down in front of me with the open Icy Hot jar in hand and slathered a handful right into my vagina.

  The sensation followed by intense burn the Icy Hot sent through my body was so intense I collapsed instantly. I can remember how I screamed for help while my mother sat back down and her and her friend laughed at me while they smoked the rest of their crack. I can still fell my heart race and the pain as my vagina hairs seemed to melt away. “Mama. Mama Please.” I yelled.