Suddenly those words snapped me out of my memory and I was back at home on my steps. My daughter’s Tania’s voice helped me even more as she repeated the very same words I had just heard in my memory. “Mama. Mama please.” She cried as tears ran down my face and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I quickly got up and ran down the steps where I went into my kitchen to retrieve my canister of blunts out of the freezer along with my pint of E&J. I quickly took out one of the 20 pre-rolled kush blunts laced with cocaine I smoked on a regular, and fired it up to ease my mind. I inhaled the smoke deeply and held it until there was nothing to blow back out before I allowed my medicine to do what it did to me. After about three more hits and a swig of the beer I had opened I felt that calm I needed and grabbed my chair to go sit on my porch.
Once outside I sat down and stared directly at the place that haunted my dream. There I was in Breezy Point, right across, from the place I called hell all of my life. It was like life forced me to dwell in my pain when that was the only section-8 apartment in the city I could get in to. I was forced to look at that dungeon every day and see myself jump off that roof to escape death. That was hard as fuck and only added to my anger and clear disregard for life.
I finished the blunt I had lit in the house before I took out and lit another then got lost in another haze of memories and my voices as I stared at my childhood home. I sat there for a while just lost until my friend Tangie walked up. “Bitch what the fuck you doing? Let me hit that.” Tangie said as her big six foot, 200lb ass walked in front of me and snatched my blunt before she sat down beside me. “Being stingy and shit. I’m the one with the problems.” Tangie said as she imitated DaeDae from Next Friday and began to laugh.
I laughed too as the haze my memories brought on suddenly melted away and I looked at my friend. “What’s up Terricka maine, you been in the house a few days.” Tangie said as she hit my blunt so many times I had to snatch it out of her hand. “Dam ole greedy ass bitch. Ole big lung, Big Bird looking bitch.” I said as Tangie laughed and elbowed me as I hit the blunt.
We both laughed for a minute as I continued to smoke and thought about what I would tell her. She was my best friend and all because we got high and sold pussy together or whatever, but I didn’t trust nobody especially a bitch who shared no blood. Hell, I couldn’t even trust all of my blood at that moment so I knew her gutta ass was no better, which is why I told her exactly what I wanted her to know.
“Maine bitch I’m just fucked up. Stamps got cut off because of some recertification bullshit so I ain’t got no food. Lights just got back on but that made me fuck up the rent money. Then to top that off Vito bitch ass acting like he broke and shit. Bitch been missing two days ain’t even answering the phone.” I said as my friend shook her head and I thought about the real issues in front of me.
I thought about how my kids would be taken, we would be homeless, and I would possibly go to jail. I didn’t tell her that though, that ratchet shit was more acceptable and relatable to bitch like her. Tangie sat there beside me in deep though for a few seconds as the sudden voices of her six kids as they walked up and my kids who were suddenly in the window, filled my ears. That shit tapped danced on my already frazzled nerves as I hit the blunt hard and my hands shook. Tangie noticed what I was going through fast so she jumped up to diffuse the situation.
“Okay T, I know what you need and I’m gonna tell you soon as I do this. Let them damn kids out. All of them can play together and stay the fuck out of our hair for a while.” Tangie said as she disappeared into my house before I could protest.
I sat there and stared at her dirty, snot nose kids and then the house of horrors before I shook my head and cursed the life I lived. In minutes my kids burst out of the door like they were freed from prison and ran right down to Tangie’s kids to play. I sat there and watched them laugh and run as she sat back down beside me and took another blunt out of my box to light. I felt a glimmer of love in my heart as I watched my children act like kids who didn’t have a care in the world, although they were forced to live their own hell. In that moment I got lost in my dreams of being a great mother to them, which was the hidden hope I held inside. I saw myself being everything Denise never was to me and deep down I wanted that.
“Bitch you need to get out tonight so that’s what we will do. We gonna lock all of the kids in yo house and just leave. You know Vito bitch ass coming, he never stay away more than two days. Even if he don’t Jermaine can watch them. Hell, my son 11, that’s babysitter age. No matter what I’m getting you out. Okay?” Tangie asked as I stared at the door to the apartment, still wrapped up in my dream.
“Okay Terricka?” She asked again as she grabbed my shoulder and I finally heard what she said. “Hell yeah bitch, let’s go. That’s probably what I need for real. I know if you say party that mean money and dope so you know I’m game. Fuck Vito, whether he come or not and fuck them kids. It’s gotta be about us sometimes.” I said as I laughed and Tangie joined in, but I felt conflicted inside.
I fought the thoughts of how I was just like Denise as I hit my beer and stared around the apartments. Just as I looked at the driveway to come in I noticed the swagger of the double extra-large t-shirt wearing, fake chain having, no dope selling bitch I had two babies by. Right there in plain view of my house was Vito as he stood his tall, light-skinned lanky ass there and tied up his dreads before he leaned into a car. I had to stop smoking to stand up and see who the fuck he was in deep conversation with as my rage found its way home.
I walked off my porch and into the grass as Tangie called my name but I didn’t stop until I was up on the hill and had a perfect view of what was going on. By that time Tangie was up on her feet too as she ran up the hill to stand beside me and I stared at Vito while he leaned into a green Volkswagen Beetle and kissed some white girl on her lips. That was enough to set crazy Terricka off as I took out across the parking lot at full speed while Tangie yelled my name and ran behind me.
“TERRICKA WAIT, Please stop!” Tangie yelled but I blocked that shit out as I continued to run with my eyes glued on the bitch.
Before Vito could even realize what was going on I was on his ass as I kicked him dead in the stomach. As soon as I did that he fell to his knees and I reached in the open car window to grab the white girl by her hair.
“Wait please stop. Who are you? What did I do? Antonio help.” She yelled as she called Vito by a fake name and I yanked her face first to the ground.
As soon as her body hit the pavement I started to drag her face down while I kicked her in the head. All I saw was the color red and all I could hear was the voice in my head that said kill her as she cried and I continued to drag her. By the time Vito got to me and smacked me hard across the face to stop, I had pulled plugs out of the white girl’s hair and there were strikes of her blood and skin all over the asphalt. “Terricka what the fuck wrong with you ole crazy ass bitch. Get yo ass the fuck home.” Vito yelled as he pushed me down then hurried to help the girl up.
I quickly regain my composure and jumped up to rush the bitch again only to be met by Vito as he let her go to grab me. The next thing I knew I was being carried home as I screamed and kicked at Vito while my kids cried and looked on. When we got into the house Vito threw me down on the kitchen floor and I jumped up instantly with the shit. I picked up Rodney’s Jr’s metal scooter off the floor as I got up and swung that bitch with the intent to kill. Lucky for Vito he was still kind of fast to be 30 and I was slow because I was high, because I only missed him by an inch. When I missed he got the upper hand though and reached out to punch me with a weak ass jab. I shook that shit off in seconds and ran into his ass with a combo of punches and kicks. We jacked like that for five minutes until Tangie’s voice filled our ears and I could feel her pull us apart.
“Vito, Terricka… STOP THIS SHIT.” She yelled as he let go of my hair and I delivered one last punch to his face.
After I punched him I quickly pushed past my crying kids and gra
bbed my purse to retreat. “You right Tangie we should stop this. That’s why I’m about to leave. FUCK YOU VITO. FUCK THIS HOUSE AND FUCK THEM BAD ASS KIDS!” I yelled as I left out of the door with his voice as he yelled and my kids as they cried in my ears.
Despite all of that I still walked out and didn’t stop for a second to look back. As I walked I heard Tangie tell her kids to go into my house too before Vito slammed the door and she ran to catch up. We walked to her house in silence and once there she went straight into her room to get me clothes to clean up. I still said nothing as we smoked then I showered and we both dressed to leave.
“Maine Tangie. Something gotta give. I feel like I’m going crazy. Maybe I am just like my mama, just like Tisha said.” I told her as I looked at her once we were in the car and on our way to the party. I really felt like I was about to lose my mind as I thought about my fucked up life and all I had done to contribute to it.
“Naw, fool you good. Just need to take care of YOU more. That’s what this is, you time. Now, fuck all that bullshit. Take this tab and ease yo mind.” Tangie said as she steered the car with one hand and handed me a pill that she took out of her purse with the other.
I quickly popped the pill in my mouth and swallowed it down with the Hennessey Tangie had brought with us. After that I sat back in my seat and let the Willie Hutch that blast through the speakers in her Impala, take me away. In no time I felt free and ready for what the night held. I was ready for a fast, fun night filled with dope, money and niggas and that’s exactly what I got.
As soon as we got there we started our hoe game. We danced, drank, and consumed everything you could think of. By nine pm I was so high I couldn’t see straight let alone know what I would do. The rest of my night went by like that too, it was just one big blur filled with dope, dicks, and a dull pain in my heart. I woke up the morning after the party with a wet ass, four hundred dollars in my purse, and a guilty feeling that nagged me to my core. I sat up in the bed I was in with two dudes who were as naked as I was and thought, how the fuck did I get there.
I quickly scooted to the end of the bed and retrieved my clothes before I quickly and quietly slipped them on. Once dressed with my shoes in hand, I stood up and prepared to go. When I walked by the mirror on the dresser I got a glimpse of my face and I recognized it, but not as my own. My rich chocolate skin that used to be so smooth, flawless, and full of life looked dirty, dingy, and pale. My hair was all disheveled, my eyes were yellow and I had tiny bits and bruises all over my face and neck. I looked just like my mother’s after one of her dope parties or drug binges and that shit hurt my heart. Before I knew it tears ran from my eyes as I rushed out of the room to find Tangie. I searched the bedrooms of the dirty, three-bedroom trap house we were in until I found Tangie on the living room floor surrounded by three dudes. All of them were naked and there were beer bottles, cigar wrappers and a plate with cocaine still on it right beside them.
I felt sick to my stomach as I stood there and looked over that familiar scene and realized I was doing all the same things my mother had done. “Tangie. Tangie.” I yelled as I kicked her foot and she jumped up quick.
I put my hand up to my lips to tell her be quiet as she jumped up found her clothes and quickly got dressed. I searched around the room while she did that and went through the pockets of the niggas still sleep on the floor. By the time she was done so was I and I had an additional $600 in my hand. “Let’s go bitch.” I said to Tangie as I flashed the money and noticed one of the dudes on the floor move.
As soon as Tangie saw that we both ran out of the house and to her car as the dude on the floor got up and yelled her name. Before he could realize what was gone we had sped out of the parking lot and were on our way home. I gave Tangie $300 of the loot I stole as we rode through south Memphis, headed back to The Bay. After a quick stop in North Memphis to get $150 worth of powder and $150 worth of loud we rolled up and smoked our way home.
By the time we got there is was 11 am on a Saturday in July and all the project kids were outside. As soon as I got out of the car I noticed our kids weren’t out there though and a part of me got worried. When I stepped inside to a clean house and clean kids who were at the dining table I hadn’t seen in years, I knew something was in fact wrong. “Terricka, where the hell have you been? These kid were here all night by themselves.” My siddity friend Sky said as she came out of the kitchen with my clean, daughter Talya in her arms.
Tangie and I both sighed at the sight of Sky because we knew what her being there without notice meant. We knew that meant someone had called her and she was there to preach. I didn’t want to hear that bullshit though the way my head pounded and the voices pushed their way back to the surface of my conscious. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and forget about my fucked up life. I could tell Tangie didn’t want to hear that shit either as she sighed and then walked to the bottom of the steps to call her kids. I watched as they ran down to her and then she rolled her eyes at Sky who rolled hers back, and then walked to the door.
“I’ll holler at you later T. I ain’t got time for a sermon from preacher Sky when she was a bigger dope smoker and hoe than we are. Ha, look at the pot ready to call the kettle black, but that’s none of my business though.” Tangie said as we both laughed and she left out of the door.
I laughed so hard I almost fell off the couch as I watched Sky rolled her eyes at me. She didn’t laugh though she just sat Talya down and told her, Tania, and Ryan to go upstairs. I laid back on the clean, Frebreezed couch and closed my eyes until Sky finally took a deep breath. I knew the bullshit was about to begin so I just laid there and let Sky do her thing.
“Terricka I’m so fucking disappointed in you. I expect that shit from Tangie trifling ass, but not you. Yeah, I used to be worse but the point is I’m not now and you are. What happened to you Terricka? Maine you gotta get yo shit together and be better to these kids or CPS gonna take them. Hell, Ima take them if you keep doing this shit because nobody deserves to be treated this way. Do you hear me Terricka? I mean it.” She yelled as I felt my friend harsh but true words.
Just like many times before she offered me insight that I should have listened to and took to heart but like times before it didn’t stick. However, I did know deep down she was right. I knew all of that shit but it still did me no good when I was trying to figure out which way to go. “Maine Sky you, my sister, and nan other mutha fucka in this world know what I go through. Y’all come by or call with all this good ass advise on how I should change my life and be better. However, not one time did y’all stop to tell me how to change. Not one time did y’all actually give me the love I need to change. See that talk shit easy Sky but what I’m supposed to do when I feel like I’m all alone in the world and I’m drowning, huh? What do I do Sky?” I asked my friend as I broke down and she rushed over to hold me.
I let out all of my fears and secrets as I sat there in her arms before I handed her the $400 I had left in my purse. “Keep this for me. Just in case something happens or I get fucked up and stop taking care of the kids again. Take this and make sure shit get done. I’m fucked up Sky. I’m a fucking lost cause.” I cried as I felt overwhelmed and my friend did her best to comfort me.
I let Sky hold me and tell me it would be okay for a while even though I knew it wouldn’t. Even with that knowledge in my head I felt a little better as I pulled back from her embrace.
“See you are gonna be aite pissy wissy.” Sky said as she laughed and I joined in.
For a second I felt like everything would be alright as I laughed my tears away. That didn’t last long though because in seconds Vito had burst through the door and brought all of my anger, sadness, and despair back with him. “Maine Terricka you an old dumb ass bitch, witcho thot ass. Bitch out here dragging folks and don’t even know who they are. You fucked up this time though cause the bitch pressed charges and yo crazy ass going to jail.” Vito yelled as he ran up on me and Sky held my arm as she yelled for him to stop. “STOP VITO, LEAV
E HER ALONE! NO, TERRICKA!” Sky yelled as I broke out of her grip and got up to run up on Vito.
As soon as I stood up that bitch punched me straight in the eye. The impact made me stumble back some but I quickly recovered and kicked him in the dick. Once I landed that kick to the nuts it was over for him as I went to work and landed punch after punch to his face. He shook off the pain between his legs as I tried to grab him in his dreads and the fight was on. We fought our way into the kitchen where he pinned me up against the refrigerator and began to choke the life out of me as Sky yelled and punched him in the back.
“FUCK YOU OLE CRAZY BITCH. I HATE YO STUPID ASS. I SHOULD KILL YO BITCH ASS, SHOULDN’T I? SHOULDN’T I BITCH?” Vito asked as he stared hatefully into my eyes. I struggled in his grip and peered out of the corner of my eyes as I felt air slowly leave my body. Sky distracted him as she continued to beat him in the back and tried to pull us apart. That was enough for me to reach over and grab the butcher knife I saw on the counter and cut that bitch across the chest, just below his collar bone.
“Naw I should kill you, shouldn’t I bitch?” I yelled as Vito dropped me and fell back as he held his chest. At that moment I was out of my mind as I jumped over him and swung the knife. He put his arms up to catch the blows as the knife cut through his flesh with precision. Blood flew everywhere as he cursed and tried to get me off of him and I went insane. Seconds later Sky’s arms were around me as she dragged me off and wrestled the knife out of my hands. Everything in the room was red by the time I finished and Vito laid there in a puddle of his own blood as he cursed and moaned.
“That bitch tried to kill me. I think she hit an artery Sky. Call the police.” He yelled with his bitch ass and I started to laugh. “Call the police? Call the police? After all them times you beat my ass you want her to call the police? Nigga fuck yo snitching ass.” I yelled as I rushed towards him and Sky stood in the middle.
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