As soon as she did that the door to my apartment flew open and six, clothed officers rushed in. In minutes I was face down and in hand cuffs as I was arrested for domestic violence and assault with a deadly weapon while Vito cursed and Sky and my kids cried. I remained silent the entire ride to Jail East and remained that way the whole week I was in there before Sky posted bond. I lived in my head with the voices to keep me company the entire time while I dared a bitch to get wrong. No one did though, not even a glance. I guess them bitches could see I was out of my mind.
When Sky picked me up that following Friday I had a brand new state of mind. The voices in my head and haze in my brain had eased because that good side of me had grown stronger. That side of me wanted help and to change, and I knew it was that time. At my house I rushed in and hugged my kids before I planted kisses all over their puffy cheeks. My younger kids accepted the love I gave even though my love was sporadic at best and usually was just a part of one of my bipolar mood swings. Nevertheless, they wanted it and kissed me back before they told me they loved and missed me. All of them except my oldest who sat there with his arms folded and a mean mug on his face. I started to reach over and grab him when he pulled away and Sky grabbed my arm.
“Just give him time Terricka, just give him time.” My friend said as I shook my head that I understood. “Go get yourself cleaned up and get some rest, I’ll take care of the kids.” Sky said before I hugged her and turned to leave the room.
I walked up the stairs in a daze as my kid’s laughter and Sky’s voice trailed behind me and I wished I could make them that happy. Tears fell from my eyes as I peeled my clothes off and went into my clean bathroom to shower. I let the hot water in the shower pour down on me and wash all of my tears away as I cried and yelled out for God to help me.
When I got out of the shower there was a feeling in my heart that told me I knew what to do. After I dressed I went over to my phone and dialed the number of the one person I knew would come to my rescue regardless of what I said or had done.
“I need you. Please help me. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m sorry for all I said and did but I need your help. I’m going insane. I look at myself every day and I see Denise. I don’t want to be her. HELP ME!” I yelled into the phone as my body shook out of control.
I cried like a baby as I heard the person on the other end cry too before they took the time to respond. “Say no more sister, I’ll be on a plane in the morning. Just hold on T. HELP IS ON THE WAY!” Tisha said and I felt there just might be hope for me after all.
Part 2
Life As We Now Know It!
Chapter 4
My Worst Nightmare Come True
The entire plane ride back to Memphis I felt restless and sick to my stomach. I tried to curl up next to Jerrod and let the beautiful melody of A’Miracle’s voice as she played with Sha in the seats in front of us calm my nerves, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the ominous feeling that had taken over me. Somehow, I already knew that my worst nightmare was about to come true and I would have to face the shadow of an evil, deprived woman my sister had become. I tried to shake the visions of her all angry with Denise’s face and lethal tongue as I sat up straight in my seat and stared out of the window, but it was her silhouette I saw in the clouds. I saw that same evil posture of a reckless, trifling mother I had seen my entire life. I saw all the pain her children had endured at her hands and those thoughts made me shudder.
“What’s wrong Tisha?” Jerrod asked me as he awoke from his slumber and slipped his strong, athletic arms around my neck. I didn’t know what to say as I sat there with tears in my eyes and wished that history was not on repeat. I wished that I could believe Terricka’s plea to get help and change, but I knew she could quickly change her mind. I wished it with all of my might that this time would be different, but just like in the past wishes didn’t apply to me or my siblings. We were dealt a bad hand from conception and that was a fate we simply couldn’t escape. That was also a reality I knew I couldn’t run from so I chose to tell my husband the truth instead of bottle up my feelings like I had done in the past.
“Jerrod, I’m just so fucking scared. I’m scared that everything everyone has said about Terricka is true. I’m scared that the feeling in my gut is right and my sister is another dragon that will have to be slayed. I’m scared that I won’t be able to fix this baby.” I ranted as my heart raced in my chest and Jerrod listened silently and intently.
“What if she goes crazy on me for coming even though she asked me to? I don’t know if my heart can handle the pain I lived through in my childhood. The torture, the disappointment. I mean, what if it’s worse than what we heard? What if we go there and find out Terricka is worse than Denise and totally unfit to care for her kids? What then? What will happen to them? Jerrod I just don’t know.” I said as I pulled myself together and then leaned in to whisper to him so that A’Miracle couldn’t hear me.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I contemplated the words I had just said and saw it all play out in my head. I shuddered in Jerrod’s embrace as he hugged me tight before he held me out to look into my eyes. I melted when he poured his love down on me, lost in his loving gaze. “Baby there is no need to be scared.” Jerrod said as he wiped away my tears with his thumbs then kissed me softly on the lips.
“Tisha, you know I’m by your side no matter what. Let’s not make assumptions or even go on the he say, she say bullshit that made its way from Memphis all the way to us in L.A. Let’s just go and see what happens and then act accordingly. If it comes down to it, you know we won’t leave her kids alone or let them go to the state. Baby, we will take them all and love and raise them as our own. They’re blood, they’re family, and we don’t give up on family unless we have no other choice. That’s why we’re not gonna jump to conclusions on Terricka. We’re gonna stay hopeful. You know, hope for the best and let her prove us wrong. I know y’all SAY there’s no hope or wishes come true for a Lewis kid, but I say that’s bullshit. You’re living your happy ending baby. And Terricka will too! Okay beautiful?” Jerrod said as he smiled and then kissed away the tears that lingered on my cheeks.
I smiled back at my love, my light and drunk his handsome ass up with my eyes while I wanted desperately to believe what he said. “Now, dry up those tears and give daddy some sugar with yo sexy ass.” Jerrod said as he winked his eye then kissed me deeply and passionately.
I got lost in his love for a second as I forgot about the hurt in my heart and the worry that had taken over me. I allowed Jerrod to kiss me then wrap me in his arms again as my mind wondered off to Memphis. Vivid, violent scenes from my past danced in my mind along with horrible predictions of the future that struck like lightning as I listened to Jerrod breathe. I fought those memories and the pain they brought on until I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep again. To my surprise, Denise came to me in my dream. Not the drugged out, always angry, ready to strike at any moment Denise, but that sweet, gentle, loving mother she once was and could be when she wanted something. I saw her clear as day as she walked through that same field of flowers my siblings and I used to dream about and held my hand. My dream felt so real I tossed and turned in my sleep and tried to grip the hand I felt in my palm.
“Tisha, I need you to be strong. I need you to be the caring, loving person I wish I was to you. Help your sister. She needs you. Everything she is going through is because of me and what I did to y’all so forgive her. I need you both to forgive yourselves as well. What y’all did to me was necessary no matter how cruel. Forgive yourself Tish and make your sister forgive herself so that y’all can let go of the pain and move on. I’m in a better place now Tisha, free of my own sins and demons. I need y’all to let go of my sins too. Okay? I love you Tisha. Promise me you will let it go. Okay Tisha? Tisha!” Denise’s voice rang in my ears as I fought to wake up from my dream. “Tisha! Tisha baby, wake up!” Jerrod yelled and woke me up from my nightmare as I stared up into his handsome face.
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I quickly fought through my anxiety and shook off the visions in my head as I smiled back and pretended to be okay.
“Tisha baby are you okay? I heard you yell Denise name in your sleep. Maybe coming back to Memphis wasn’t such a great fucking idea.” Jerrod whispered as he bent down to me.
I noticed Sha and A’Miracle as they stood behind him with their bags in hand and concerned looks on their faces, and that alone was enough to give me the courage to go on. I knew that I had to make things right and get my family back on track, if not for me or my sister’s sake, but for the children we had brought into the world. That’s why I was able to take what Denise said and run with it. I was able to see what she said was true and find the fight within me I needed to pull my sister out of her pain.
“I’m fine you guys, just a little tired. Let’s get this family reunion started though. Mama got business to handle.” I said as I looked past Jerrod to Sha and A’Miracle with a strong, confident smile on my face. That smile gave them the reassurance they needed so Sha grabbed A’Miracle’s hand and they began to walk down the aisle. My half assed attempt to deflect my emotions and true fears was not effective enough to convince Jerrod though because he remained bent down in my face until I looked at him again.
“You know I’m not buying that shit right? I know wassup Tisha. I know the demons of your past are back to haunt you and you feel obligated to make shit right. I also know that what is happening to Terricka is eating you up. Just know that I won’t let anything happen to YOU. If I feel like this trip is causing a greater toll on you than good I will end this shit, snatch up Terricka kids, and we will be going back to California on the first thing smoking. You hear me?” Jerrod asked me with a serious but loving expression on his face.
“I mean that Tisha. I love our family and all but you and A’Miracle are my first concern. You can’t help anybody if you’re fucking falling apart yourself so I won’t let that shit happen. Now, I need you to tell me wassup. Do you think you are strong enough to get through this or should I just start plan b?” Jerrod asked as I thought about what I wanted to do.
Part of me did want to just go get the kids and go back home, far away from all of the pain and sorrow that awaited. That was the part of me that fled Memphis in the first place. However, the stronger more determined part of me knew what had to be done. “No, baby I’m fine. I have to do this. She is my sister and my responsibility. I am my sister’s keeper and I will not leave her when she needs me most. I can do it my king, as long as you are by my side.” I said to Jerrod as I felt a tear well up in my right eye.
I watched Jerrod stand up straight through blurred vision before he grabbed my hand and pulled me up to stand. “Say no more then, we’re on our way and I’m right beside you until our dying day.” Jerrod said before he kissed me, grabbed our bags, and we walked off the plane hand in hand as we laughed.
We quickly found the rental car place after we waded through the crowds of people in the airport and settled into the 2015 Expedition Jerrod had reserved. I felt just like a kid who was being whisked back into their horrible, but sometimes happy memories as we rode down Winchester towards the expressway and to Terricka.
“So Sha, where does Terricka live now. I haven’t been here in a long time and I know she moves around as much as I change panties so I have no idea where we are going.” I said to my brother as I glanced in the rearview mirror and noticed he had a sad and uneasy expression on his face.
I continued to watch him in the rearview as he fidgeted in his seat and pulled at one of his dreads. I could see the nervousness in his face just like I did when he was a child and that made my heart race. “Uhhh Tish. I hate to say this, but she lives in Breezy Point now.” Sha said as a lump developed in my throat and I suddenly felt flustered.
Jerrod quickly glanced over at me as my body shook and I closed my eyes and tried to block out all of the memories Breezy Point held. That was the place where most of our childhood torture happened. It was the one place I never wanted to see again and I was headed straight to it. I couldn’t control myself as tears ran down my face, my throat began to close up. I felt like I was about to pass out as my memories rushed at me fast and hard like waves, and I looked over at Jerrod for help. As usual, he was right on point and pulled over to the side of the rode quickly before he jumped out and came around to my side.
“Tisha baby it’s alright. Come here.” Jerrod said as he pulled my shaky body up out of the seat and Sha and A’ Miracle asked what was wrong.
“It’s okay y’all. A’Miracle mommy is alright just a little hot. Sha, take care of your niece.” Jerrod said as he winked and nodded at Sha to let him know it was exactly what he thought it was. I stood there beside Jerrod with his arm still around me as my body continued to shake and he closed the door behind us. As soon as the door closed all of my penned up emotions burst forward and I cried like a little baby.
“Jerrod I don’t know if I can go there. I don’t know if I can do it. That’s where it all began. That’s where I experienced the most hurt. How can I go there and pretend it’s not tearing me apart? I don’t know if I’m strong enough baby.” I said as Jerrod wrapped me in his arms and kissed the top of my head. We stood there like that for a minute as I cried out all of my fear and Jerrod assured me that I would be fine.
“Baby, back on the plane you told me that this was what you had to do for your family. You said you had to save your sister and I know you meant that. That’s why I’m not gonna let you run away right now, not because of some damn bricks and wood. Tisha, in yo life baby you have gone through some shit that would make a grown man crumble. I mean if I had to pick any female in the world to say I admire her the most for her strength, determination, and ability to love and give selflessly, I would have to say you. Tisha, you have beat everything that comes your way. Ain’t no damn projects gonna win this baby. This a fear we gonna face together. I’m gonna be right there with you like I’ve been since day one and we’re gonna slay this dragon too. You gonna do this for Terricka. For the kids. So, what you gonna do Mrs. Lewis - Hill?” Jerrod said before held me out at arm’s length to stare into my eyes.
I could do nothing but suck up my tears and feel the strength he transferred to me as I noticed the tears on his cheeks too. My husband, the young boy who taught me how to smoke weed, be confident in myself, and love even when it hurts was still right by my side, and he made me stronger. I hugged Jerrod tightly to me and inhaled the scent of his Gucci cologne as he gently rubbed the center of my back. “I’m gonna be alright baby. I can do this. I can do this.” I whispered in Jerrod’s ear before I stood back and wiped away the tears that lingered on my cheeks with my palms.
Jerrod smiled slyly at me as he stepped back in closer and wrapped his arms around me with my arms folded in front of me. “You know I’m not about to et yo beautiful ass be sad sooooooooo, let’s lighten this mood with a song. How about a song of salvation? Ummmm What about Tisha and Terricka’s Lewis’s Salvation Song!” Jerrod said as he squeezed and shook me while he laughed and I tried to squirm out of his embrace.
“NOOOOO don’t sing it. Shut up Jerrod!” I yelled as Sha and A’Miracle noticed what was going on and let down the window.
“Okay, younger people.” Jerrod said as he laughed and I stretched my arms down far enough to tickle him. “Oh you’re not getting out Tisha. Just be still and let the melody soothe you.” Jerrod said to me before he kissed my forehead and I attempted to bite him before I laughed. “Ohhhh feisty huh? Okay let’s see if you like that tonight.” Jerrod whispered before he leaned down to kiss my neck and then turn back towards the truck.
“Okay, Sha and A’Miracle joining me in singing, THE SALVATION SONG!! 1-2-3 Hit it!”
“Nothing lasts forever, what we’re hoping for. No more pain so don’t you cry anymore.”
My family sang as I hummed over their voices until Jerrod called it all off.
“Okay, okay you guys, we got a bad ass. Now baby, shall we go?” Jerrod
asked me asked held my hand out like I was a queen.
“Yes we shall.” I said as we both giggled and I let him put me back into the car. Sha gripped my shoulder as I got settled in my seat and I looked back into his concerned eyes before I nodded and whispered I was okay.
“Now, we’re on the road again, so let me provide the entertainment. Nothing lasts forever…” Jerrod began as soon as his ass was back in his seat and I reached over to chop him before we all laughed.
I laughed from my heart and forgot my pain and the trouble that awaited me as we continued on to the expressway and I rode down I-240 towards The Bay with my family’s laughter in my ears. We drove for what seemed to be an eternity as I contemplated what I would feel when I actually saw the hell hole I was once forced to live in. I couldn’t predict the range of emotions that would take over me or my reaction to them, but I knew I had to face that fear regardless of the outcome.
For the rest of the ride I concentrated on the strength I had at a time in my life when I should have fallen short. I thought about how Terricka and I had to jump out of a window to escape what could have been our death. Along with how I lived through torture while I looked into the eyes of my tormentor. The tormentor with the same eyes as mine. I knew in my heart that Jerrod was right and I had lived through too much to let a building, an apartment, or a memory defeat me. I had come too far to turn back, so to give up was forbidden.
That is why I channeled that strength I remembered and forced my heart to move past the thought of seeing the one place I vowed to never returned to. I let go of all of the fear I had to relive the pain and embraced it instead. Pain was all I knew anyway. That’s why I decided to use that pain to motivate me to end it once and for all. I knew I had to be strong enough for everyone one more time and make things right once in for all.
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