Sins of Thy Mother 4

by Niki Jilvontae

  “Mrs. Hill, I really don’t know what happened. After Sha came back from Memphis we talked on the phone for a few days before he asked me to come to L.A. to visit. I came and we stayed at your house for a while as Sha got into school and we talked about starting a life together. I was going to transfer to UCLA with him and we were going to get an apartment off campus. Everything was going good too because just yesterday he found out he was accepted and we went and told your husband. We wanted to call and tell you but your husband said that you would be home in a couple of days and we would have a big dinner and tell you then. So, we left happy Tisha. I have never seen Sha as happy as he was that day. After that he and I decided to say in the city to celebrate and got a room at the Hyatt.”

  “All night all he talked about was how proud you would be of him and damn near smiled himself into a frenzy. Late last night everything changed for the worse, though and I wish like hell I could have seen it coming. After an intense workout, I ran out to get Sha’s ingredients for his famous protein shake while he took a shower. I came back into the room to find the shower water running and Sha face down on the floor of the shower with a gash in his forehead and his cell in hand. I didn’t know what to do so I’m sure I panicked for a few minutes before I grabbed his cell and called 911. They got there really fast and whisked him away to Cedar-Sinai Medical Center. I hugged him and told him that we would all be there but I don’t think he heard me because he was unconscious when they left.”

  “I ran to the hospital and found out he was in emergency surgery and that is all they have told me so far. I tried to call your husband a few minutes ago but I guess he has already left for work and I don’t have his cell number. That’s when I pushed the button to see the last number Sha dialed and it was you. That’s where we are at now. I don’t know anything and I’m going crazy trying to figure things out. I’m so scared Tisha. I love Sha and I need him to be alright.” Lydia cried in my ear as I balled right along with her.

  I cried as I thought about the little, brave, strong boy who I loved with all of my heart, and who had already suffered so much. All I wanted to do was be by my brother’s side at that moment, not in Memphis trying to save a lost cause. “I’m about to catch a flight immediately Lydia and I’ll be there in a few hours. Please stay by my brother’s side until I get there.” I said to her as I put her on speakerphone and logged in to my airline to change my flight plans online.

  I quickly found I flight that would leave a noon and moved my ticket before Lydia stopped crying long enough to respond. “I WON’T LEAVE HIM. I’LL NEVER LEAVE HIM. I’LL BE RIGHT HERE WHEN YOU GET HERE.” Lydia cried as I told her to be strong and then hung up the phone.

  As soon as I hung up and wiped the tears off my face Terricka was up on her feet as she ran over and tried to hug me. I quickly stepped to the side before she could touch me though and crushed her heart in the process.

  “Sky take the kids and keep them with you until I get back. I’m going to file all the paperwork I need to get custody from home and have my lawyer here in Memphis handle what I can’t handle from L.A. I will also need a statement from you, I’m sure but we will cross that bridge when we get there. Right now, I have to get home. I don’t know what has happened but my brother is the hospital and they don’t think he will make it.” I said as my tears burst forward again and Terricka went hysterical behind me.

  “OH SHA. WHAT HAPPENED TISHA? PLEASE TALK TO ME AND TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED? I’M SORRY TISHA BUT DON’T SHUT ME OUT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE ALL WE GOT. PLEASE TISHHHAAAA. WHAT HAPPENED TO SHA? LET ME GO WITH YOU. OHHHH” My sister cried as she wrapped her arms around the back of me and placed her forehead on my back.

  For a second I let her head linger there as I rubbed her hand and closed my eyes while I remembered the many times we had been in the same position. I tried to remember the love and compassion I felt for her just three days prior too, but after I thought about all of the pain her actions had caused others I couldn’t. Her sins, just like Denise’s, were for everyone around her to bare and that just wasn’t right.

  I knew that she wasn’t directly responsible for whatever Sha was going through but somehow I couldn’t help but feel like if we didn’t have to come to Memphis to save her none of it would have happened. That’s why I couldn’t console her like a part of me wanted to. Instead I suddenly pushed her arms off of me and stepped away quickly, headed to my truck. I didn’t respond until I was next to the truck, but when I did open my mouth my words struck and destroyed like the venom from a snake.

  “No, you can’t go Terricka. It’s not like you give a fuck anyway. All you care about is yourself and your drugs, not even your kids. You’re just like Denise, poison and Sha doesn’t need that around him right now. So go be free like you always wanted to be since Sky will have the kids. Just smoke your fucking life away sister, while I pick up the pieces as usual. Do us all a fucking favor!” I yelled out of my anger as I hopped in the car and pulled out of my parking spot.

  As I drove out of the parking lot I looked in my rearview mirror to see my sister on the ground as she cried. I wanted so badly to go back and tell her I was sorry but I wasn’t sure if I could. I regretted all of the horrible things I said to her even though some of them were true. I wished I could take back those last moments or say the magic words to fix it, but right then I just didn’t have the energy to do it. All I could do was keep driving on and think about the sibling I had hundreds of miles away as he fought for his life.

  I drove to the airport in a daze as tears periodically streaked my cheeks. Once in the parking lot I drove to the rental car entrance as I pulled out my phone to call Jerrod. “Heyyy my sexy baby. What you got going today down there in Memph-ghanistan?” Jerrod said as he laughed when he suddenly noticed I hadn’t laughed with him and all I could do was cry as I heard his tone change and thought about Sha in pain again.

  “What’s wrong baby? Tisha, tell me what’s wrong.” Jerrod yelled into the phone as I tried to stop my tears and catch my breath. It took me a second to get it together as I walked into the rental car office with tears on my cheeks and a flushed face before I sat the rental contract and keys on the counter. I had to close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing as I nodded yes to the attendant who asked me if I was alright and listened to Jerrod yell my name. “TISHA! TISHHHAAA. TALK TO ME! DO I NEED TO BE ON MY WAY? TALK TO ME BABY.” Jerrod yelled at the point of hysteria as I swallowed down the lump in my throat and signed the papers the girl handed me before I walked out.

  I felt my lungs expand and retract and the blood began to flow through my body again when I stepped outside and the fresh, but hot, humid, mid-August in Memphis air hit me. I sucked it in deeply and made my way into the terminal as I finally got my bearings together enough to tell my husband what was going on.

  “Jerrod, it’s Sha. Some girl name Lydia called me and said he’s in the hospital and they don’t think he will make it. Baby I don’t know what’s going on but I’m on my way home. What happened while I been here Jerrod? What happened to my brother?” I cried as I made my way through the crowds to my boarding gate and plopped down in the first available chair.

  My heart beat in my throat as I sat there and caught my breath while my husband explained. “Tisha, Lydia his girlfriend and she’s a really cool girl, I met her about a week ago when Sha brought her to our house to stay. Shit has been going good since you been gone, I mean Sha got into school and everything. I told them not to call and tell you over the phone because I wanted to have a big dinner when you got back. I had it all planned out and everything. I don’t know what the fuck has happened now though. Damn maine, this shit crazy.” My husband yelled as I heard him sniffle and fight back his tears.

  “I’m leaving right now and headed to the hospital. Where he at? Tisha? Tish, where he at?” Jerrod yelled as I heard him scurry down some stairs and I tried to search the scrambled memories in my mind for the name of the hospital. I quickly waded through the sorrowful scene in my memory unt
il I found the conversation between me and Lydia. “Cedar-Sinai Medical Center. He’s at Cedar Sinai, Jerrod. What the hell is going on? I’m about to be on a flight in the next ten minutes. I’ll call you when I land at 4:30. I love you baby.” I said to my husband before he said it back and we hung up the phone.

  Once I was off the phone with Jerrod I sat there and cried for a while as I wrapped my mind around what had happened. Minutes later I boarded my plane just on time with the one bag that was in the truck and headed towards my next tragedy. As soon as I took my seat on the plane exhaustion set in and I couldn’t help but to drift off to sleep. I tossed and turned the entire four-hour, non-stop flight as my life flashed before my eyes. All I saw was one nightmare after the next, which was the theme of my life. I saw all my mother had put me through and some of the things I had brought upon myself and I wanted nothing more than to break the cycle. I was tired of hurt and pain in my life, but something inside of me told me that there was more hurt to come. The vivid images of Sha’s funeral that popped into my dreams about three hours into the flight was that hurt and it was a hurt my heart simply couldn’t take. I woke up from that nightmare in a cold sweat as I looked around at the curious faces besides me.

  “Are you alright?” The older white gentleman beside me on my right asked as his wife, an older black woman who sat on the other side of me offered advice. “Whatever it is that haunts you in your sleep you have to deal with it and move on young lady. Give it to God, make a mends if you can, and then let it go. Pain and hurt can eat you up inside just like hate and resentment. We have to both forgive and forget sometimes baby, in order to set ourselves free. Otherwise we end up just like those who hurt us. You understand?” The old lady asked as she smiled at me sweetly and took my hand in hers.

  I smiled softly at her and nodded my head as I pondered her every word. I knew that she was right and I had to let it all go, but I also knew I had some things to deal with first. I knew I had to make things right with my sister after I found out what was going on with my brother, or my life would essentially be over. I was still nothing without them because they were such a big part of me, and I felt it was my duty to be that glue that held us all together. That was a burden I had inherited a long time ago. One I should have taken more seriously.

  Just then I saw the look in Terricka’s eyes when I told her she didn’t care about Sha and she should just smoke her life away. I couldn’t believe how evil I was when I told her that harsh shit and to do the world a favor by dying. That was the most hateful thing I had ever said to my sister and the realization of that hit me fast and hard. I had to jump up out of my seat and rush to the bathroom at that moment because I could feel my emotions about to explode. Once inside the tiny bathroom I let everything go as I cried for the disaster my life had turned out to be. I knew that all of the books, authors, awards, money, degrees, cars, and accolades meant nothing when I was about to fall the fuck apart.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you Tisha?” I asked myself once my tears subsided and I could think logically again.

  I stared at my reflection in the tiny mirror over the sink before I splashed some water on my face and tried to wash away my sorrow. “Nothing is wrong with you other than being hurt baby. That’s my fault though, not yours. But it’s time for you to change things Tisha. You can’t blame me or anyone else for everything that goes wrong in your life. It’s time for you, your brother, and your sister to let go of my sins and the chaos they caused and start fresh on your own. Forgive and forget Tisha. Now, be strong. Dry up those tears and go take care of your brother then go get your sister. Everything is going to be okay. I can see that now, but you have to do this for yourself. Create your own happiness baby. I love you Shartisha.” My mother’s words rang in my ears and I saw her reflection in the mirror.

  I smiled at the happy, sober, beautiful, wise Denise in the mirror as I wiped away the last of my tears. When I left the bathroom I felt stronger than I had in days and hoped that it would last once I got where I was going. I spent the rest of my flight wedged between two of the wisest, sweet, most in love people I had ever met as I soaked up their wisdom. I couldn’t help but hope one day when Jerrod and I were old we would have the same type of bond that they shared. Their love for one another made me feel so hopeful and their kind words made me forget about my terrible fate. I didn’t even want to say goodbye to them after we got off the plane and retrieved our bags, but I did and quickly called Jerrod to find he was already outside.

  When I got outside in front of LAX I ran in to my husband’s arms like the leading female character in one of those corny ass romance movies, happy to feel his love. Jerrod quickly lifted me up off my feet as I dropped my bag and he kissed me gently on the cheek before he buried his face I my neck. I could feel his warm tears run down my neck to my chest and his body shook gently and I tried to pull back to see his face. My heart raced erratically as I tried and tried to pull back but Jerrod buried his head deeper and cried a little harder. “WHAT IS IT JERROD? WHAT? TELL ME. PLEASE TELL ME. HE NOT DEAD, IS HE? PLEASE DON’T SAY THAT. JERROD PLLEEAASSEEEE. TELL MEEEE!” I cried hysterically as Jerrod cried more and rubbed my back.

  I think I passed out for a few seconds after that because the next thing I knew I woke up suddenly and abruptly like I had been hit with a taser as my whole body tingled then fell numb. I blinked my eyes and looked around the car to notice that Jerrod had already put me and my bag inside as we pulled away from the curb. I opened my mouth to talk, but my throat was so dry from all the tears I had shed all I could do was make sounds. I turned and looked at the side of my husband’s face as he drove with an intense expression on his face and didn’t even glance my way as he handed me the bottle of water he had in the cup holder. I drunk the water fast, anxious to get my throat wet so that I could talk again and find out what had made him cry.

  “Baby tell me what’s wrong Jerrod. Please tell me.” I said a lot calmer on the outside than I had been before, but still irate on the inside.

  My heart told me to expect the worse and to prepare for something I never wanted to come true as I leaned over and tried to look at Jerrod’s eyes but her continued to look straight. I tried to ignore the feeling I my heart that said death had found my family once again, but the feeling was too strong. Everything in me screamed the worst had found me, I just couldn’t accept that though as I sat there and stared at Jerrod while he tried to find the right words to say to me.

  I couldn’t believe or accept that my brother would be dealt such a raw hand in life with nothing but one tragedy after the next. He had already lived through things some people only read about and cheated death three times so odds didn’t appear to be in his favor. I couldn’t believe that though so I shook my head vigorously as I erased those thoughts and reached over to grab Jerrod’s hand. As soon as I touched him the damn that guarded his emotions broke and his tears and words poured out fast and hard like a raging river.

  “Baby I went to the hospital after I talked to you and found Lydia in the hall crying. I didn’t get much information out of her though so I sat there and waited for the doctor to come out again.” Jerrod said as we suddenly pulled into the hospital parking lot and he turned off the car. I held my breath and watched his every move as he turned around in his seat to face me. Big tears fell from my strong husband’s eyes when he looked back at me and I knew right then it was bad.

  “It’s not what you think baby, he’s not dead but doctors say it doesn’t look good. It seems after that incident with Shakeim, Sha received a traumatic blow that left bleeding on his brain, a hemorrhage to be exact. It slowly bled for the time he was with us at our house and while we were in Memphis, which is why he had no symptoms and didn’t know anything was wrong. Doctors say the night he collapsed he must have pushed himself to the limit in the gym, which caused the bleeding to speed up and he lost consciousness before he slipped into a coma.” Jerrod said through his tears as I began to cry right along with him.

  I didn’t kno
w what to do or say as I replayed those words in my mind and thought about my brother laying there in another coma. Jerrod wrapped his arms round me and held me for a second s we both cried and tried to find strength in one another. “Oh my God Jerrod, no. The last thing he needed was another head injury. He didn’t even tell me something happened to his head. I just knew that he fought with his dad. Damn, I feel like this my fault.” I said as I began to shake.

  “No baby this isn’t your fault it’s just something that happened. If anyone is to blame its Shaheim. I found out from Lydia he took a whole gang of niggas to the projects to get Sha the day they fought and he hit him in the head with a bat from the back. That’s where the bleeding came from especially since his skull was already compromised from being thrown off the balcony. It wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t Lydia’s fault despite what y’all think. This all Shahiem and that pussy will answer for all of this as soon as I know Sha is good. Now baby, doctors are giving him about a 20% chance to live, but we not listening to that.” Jerrod said as I balled even harder and pulled away from his embrace.

  “NOOOOOO. I can’t lose him.” I screamed as I fumbled for the door handle and Jerrod hit the locks. “NO baby, you’re right we are not going to accept that. The Most High says have the faith of a mustard seed and that’s what we will do. We will have faith that Sha will get better and with prayer along with our love I know that Sha can overcome this like he did everything in the past. He was supposed to have died at birth right, but here he is 19. When Denise dunked him in that scolding water as a baby they said he would die, but what did he do? He fought that shit. Just like he fought to recover from that traumatic brain injury when Denise threw him over the balcony and he came out like a G. Sha a soldier baby and he can get through this. We just gotta be soldiers too.” Jerrod said as he grabbed my chin and then kissed me gently on the forehead.