Sins of Thy Mother 4

by Niki Jilvontae

  I turned around to face Doug as tears ran down my cheeks. I didn’t even know why I had tears in my eyes as I stood there and leaked like a stripper. Maybe it was because I knew that there really was no purpose for me living or maybe it was simply because I was crazy as fuck. Whatever the reason was, I stood there and cried my last tears as Doug looked on with pity.

  “I’M GOING TO HELL DOUG. STRAIGHT TO HELL. DON’T WORRY, I WON’T BE ALONE THERE LIKE I WAS HERE. I’LL FINALLY BE REUNITED WITH MY MAMA.” I said before I laughed a deeper laugh and Dough looked at me crazy before I turned around and walked off.

  I could hear him call my name and tell me he would help as I continued to walk towards the exit of the apartments. I walked out without even a glance back as my mind and body went blank, but the pain in my heart raged on. I did a silent cry with no tears or words for Vito as I turned the corner on to Delano and walked back towards the store. Halfway down the block I took another cigarette out of my pocket and lit it right before my phone began to ring.

  I slowly took the phone out of my pocket as I dreaded who would be on the other end. Once I looked at the ID and saw Buddy’s number, I changed my mind and fought through the cloud of crazy in my brain. I shook off the hate and the horrible visions of all the things I had done to him. I hated the fact that I always hurt him the worse than he ever hurt me, and at that moment I wanted to change that.

  I wanted to apologize to him for leaving when he was at work, and for the fact I took his grandfather’s ring out of his draw. I wanted to apologize and to ask him to forgive me so that we could be a family again. I figured I had hit rock bottom so there was nowhere to go but up if I had him by my side like the old days. I knew that with him there to love me I could get control of my meds and even leave the drugs alone. That’s why I fought the voices with all I had as I sat down on the curb in front of someone’s house, cleared my mind, and answered the phone. I put on my best, I’m better now, Terricka voice as I waited for the caller to respond.

  “Hello.” I said in a singsong voice as someone grunted on the other end. I waited a few seconds as the person just held the phone and breathed then I spoke again. “Hello, Buddy? Don’t be playing on my phone bae. Say something baby daddy.” I said as I giggled and the person on the other end had obviously had enough.

  Suddenly I heard a female’s voice on the other end as she growled then sucked her teeth. “Bae? Bae? Bitch ain’t no bae for you over here. Listen up ole crazy junky bitch because I am only going to say this once. Bitch this is Melissa, Rodney’s fiancé, and I am soooo tired of you. I’m tired of your junky ass fucking up. I’m tired of your bipolar ass being needy. And frankly bitch I’m just tired of you, kids included. My man has told me everything about yo maggot ass and I cannot see how he fucked with a nothing ass bitch like you in the first place.” The girl said as I laughed and she tried to dig deeper to push my buttons.

  “Laugh now bitch but you will cry later. Hoe you are an unfit, junky ass mammy who beats her kids and stay gone for weeks at a time. Hoe, you are the scum of the earth. Now I see why he left you. Bitch, I don’t care what y’all had T-E-RR-I-C-KA, that’s in the past bitch because I’m the future. Now I advise you not to call my man ever again and don’t be expecting him to sweep in again like captain save em and whisk you away… Bitch please. All of that shit is over. We gonna get custody of yo dusty ass kids, the two that are his anyway, IF they are his, and then we will be done with you forever. Soooo just go smoke yo life away bitch. Just gone commit suicide cause you doing the same thing fucking with my man because I will body you bitch. You understand?” The girl Melissa yelled into the phone as I sat on the curb and fumed on the inside as wondered who she thought she was talking to.

  On the outside I was totally calm as I sat there and listened to the bitch laugh as she waited on my response and thought she had gotten under my skin. I wanted so badly to go off and tell that bitch how I was unfazed by all of the shit she said but I was gonna cut her heart out just for acting tough. However, I chose to stay quiet and just show her instead. I let the voices advise me on the best way to get her as I sat there silent and she began to grow impatient as she waited on my response.

  “Uhhh bitch I know yo junky ass heard me. Do you understand or do I have to say it in retard? Ter-ric-ka. STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN OR I WILL KILL YOU!” Melissa said slowly as she slurred each syllable like she had a speech problem.

  I sucked in my breath and held in the screams and curses inside of me as a wicked smile spread across my lips and visions of her blood on my hands filled my mind. “Okay bitch I gotcha. Guess what, I’ll see you soon.” I said calmly as I heard her gasp on the other end then I hung up the phone in her face.

  As soon as I hung up I screamed and growled like a mad woman as I threw my phone in the grass and began to pull up flowers out of the ground at the house I sat in front of. I went crazy on the plants as I dug up soil with my hands and threw pots into the streets. I screamed and destroyed shit until someone came out of the house and asked me what the fuck I was doing. When I heard that I picked up my phone without turning around to look at them and then dashed towards the corner in a full sprint. By the time I got back to the store I was out of breath and dirty from head to toe.

  I didn’t give a fuck about that though all I wanted to do was get buzzed and forget about all my pain. I wanted to forget I had no kids, no place to stay, no sister and brother, no mother, no father, no Vito, and probably no Buddy either. For the first time I was really all alone like I always said and that shit was a hard pill to swallow. All I wanted to do was not feel. That’s why I waited until a big group of boys went into the store and snuck in behind them where Cooley couldn’t see me. Once inside I filled the legs of my jogging pants and coat with Bud Lights and Four Loco’s.

  That wasn’t the high I was looking for but I knew it would do the trick until I got to Tangie and got on. The only thing I had to do was get out of the store. I got my perfect opportunity to escape when an old drunk lady began to argue with Cooley at the counter over $.46 and started to throw shit across the room. As soon as I saw him and his brother Jeff come from around the counter to put her out I bolted straight to the door. I ran fast as I could with 15 cans of beer down my pants and more in my coat. I almost made it out unseen too until one can fell out and rolled across the floor. As soon as that happened Cooley looked up and mouthed the words funky bitch as I laughed out loud at him.

  “The funky bitch is the bitch that had you.” I yelled back as I jolted out and around the building. I could hear him yell and his footsteps hit the ground behind me as I ran out of his lot and right into the Apple Tree Apartments that sat right behind the store. As soon as I was safe behind the gate I stopped as Cooley stopped too. I knew he wouldn’t chase me in the store because his bitch ass was scared to get jumped and robbed so I stood there and taunted him.

  “Ahh Hahh Coley fuck you and these cheap ass beers.” I said as I took one out of my pants, popped the top, and drunk it down in a matter of seconds. “Fuck you Terricka junky bitch you will get yours. You already dead anyway.” Cooley said as he shook his head and waved me off. “You right muthafucka I am and soon a lot of other muthafuckas will be too.” I yelled as I threw the can I had in my hand at him and took out another to open.

  I drunk that second beer down fast too as I felt it go straight to my head. After that I called Tangie and told her to come get me. That bitch flexed for a minute all high and shit as she talked about her boyfriend needed gas. That’s when I hit the bitch with the words she wanted to hear.

  “Bitch I got cash. Meech caught up to me yesterday so I was over there getting money. Then he fucked up and showed me where he stashed his shit so I took all I could find, but his bitch ass walked in and caught me. He beat the fuck out of me after that and called the niggas to train my ass. I woke up at about 7 this morning bloody and fucked up. Before I snuck out that bitch though I found his re-up money and took all that shit. Hoe I got over $600 in my hand right now and I w
ant to dope it all.” I said out loud as I swayed from side to side while I counted the money and stashed the other $1500 I didn’t tell her about. I could hear Tangie tell her boyfriend what I said on the other end before she got back on the phone.

  “Say no more. Where you at?” She asked as I told her then sat back down to drink some more. After about 15 minutes of sitting there and drinking while I smoked one cigarette after the other, Tangie and her boyfriend Link, a dread head heroin addict, robber, pulled up and I hopped in. From the second I got in the car I started to get high as Tangie passed me the crack pipe she was about to hit. “Here we ain’t got no powder, we finna go get it though. Hit this. It’s the same damn thang.” She said as I shrugged and put the pipe into my mouth before I lit it.

  I hit that shit hard too as the thick white smoke invaded my lungs and sent me on a trip I had never been on before. All of the voices around me even the ones in my head seemed to slow down as soon as I inhaled the dope and everything was a blur. It stayed like for three days too, while I remained lost in my hurt, insanity, and a cloud of drugs. I did everything I could to mask my pain as I spent most of my $600 loot.

  When Thursday afternoon rolled around I woke up in Millington at a nasty ass hotel butt naked on the floor as Tangie, Link, and three more dudes laid out sleep everywhere else in the room. As soon as I opened my eyes I quickly jumped up, dressed, and quietly searched the room. Within minutes I found an assault rifle, bullets, heroine, and the keys to the junky car someone had pawned Link and he picked me up in. Once I gathered my shit I snuck out the room and hopped in the car. I pulled off the lot as soon as I crunk up the car and headed back to Frayser. Since my drug haze was gone the voices and bipolar tendencies were back and they were out for one thing and that one things was blood.

  “I’m about to fuck all their lives around starting with that bitch Meech. I hear y’all. I know what to do. Soon this will all be over. You hear that mama. Soon I will be right there with you to prove bitch I’m nothing like you. I’m woman enough to kill myself and end my kids pain.” I yelled to myself as I looked in the rearview mirror and turned down Frayser Blvd.

  I was back in the hood in minutes as I strolled the track and tried to find out where Meech and his crew had crashed. Soon I saw one of my smoking buddies named Trish in front of Cooley’s store and I drove down on her. “Yo Trish. Where Meech nem at?” I asked her as she ducked down to see who I was then ran over to the car.

  Within seconds she told me where they were, I gave her a $1 bill, and then I headed straight to the house on Brook Meade where they were. I pulled three houses down and parked the car before I got out and tucked the fully loaded weapon down the front of my coat. My mind and the voices in my head moved a mile a minute as I walked up to the door and thought about what I would say to get in. I started to knock and play like I was gonna beg, but something told me to check the knob first. When I did that bitch turned and like a beast I was on go. I slipped in and closed the door behind me as I quickly scanned every room of the 1-bed room house. I found Meech big ass in the back room asleep with his strap on the bed and quickly retrieved that bitch before I went back up front.

  As soon as I was back in the living room I began to fire shots into the sleeping bodies of the three niggas in the living room. I shot off a dozen rounds into those bitches as feathers and blood flew through the air. By that time, I could hear Meech yell from the bedroom followed by his footsteps as he ran to the door with his hidden strap in hand. He didn’t even get a chance to get a shot off though because before he could even think I lit his ass up. I shot him until the gun was empty then I threw that bitch on the floor and picked up the other gun he had. I walked out of there that morning, in broad daylight with blood all over me and gun in hand. I didn’t even care as I walked slowly to my car and people all around screamed and called the police. I knew that I was going to die anyway so I didn’t give a fuck about who knew it was me.

  I hopped in the car and rode towards Rodney ‘s house in silence as the conversation with me and his fiancé replayed in my head. I wanted nothing more than to see that bitch die as I drove towards their cute, three-bedroom house in Raleigh right by the hotel I was gonna hide out in. When I pulled up on their block I left the car at the end of the street as I got out and hit the pipe filled with heroine I had just prepared. When I inhaled that shit I got ten times higher than I did from the crack and lost all reasoning and sanity. I was like a deranged lion as I stalked up the driveway and got a glimpse of Melissa as she cleaned her living room. I wasted no time as I kicked the little, fragile ass front door in and barged right into her perfect world.

  “Yeah bitch remember me?” I asked as I stood there in front of Melissa and she looked shocked and scared shitless with her tall model looking ass. She was pretty as fuck, I had to admit as I pointed both of my guns at her. She was cute but that didn’t mean shit while I had the scrap to her head. “Who are you? What did I do? What do you want?” She said as I began to laugh and walked right up to her face. “I’m the crazy, junky, baby mama you told to go kill herself so now its yo turn bitch. Kill yoself.” I said as I laughed and she began to cry harder. I ignored her cries and pleas though as the voices in my head said do her. “Nah don’t kill yoself, let me do it. Bye Bitch!” I said as I shot Melissa six times with each gun and left her full of holes.

  As soon as I did that and the smoke cleared I was gone and so was my mind. I don’t even remember how I got to the hotel but the next thing I knew it was after midnight on Friday and I was laying face down in the hotel bed. I felt nauseous and weighed down as all of my thoughts, fears, emotions, and memories hit me at once and I wanted to break down and cry. Instead I got up and dressed before I went to the store around the corner to grab breakfast and another big, yellow envelop. Inside the store I waited in line as the local news played on a small tv on the desk. I listened as the female news reporter talked about murder after murder I had committed and I remembered when I had been in that situation before. I remembered how I had watched the news for days after I killed my mother just to confirm she was really dead. That’s when her face popped up in my mind, vivid and so clear I thought I could reach out and touch her as I grabbed the girl in front of me.

  I apologized to the girl as I gathered my shit well enough to purchase my sausage breakfast plate and envelope then I left the store. Back in my room I ate and then I began to dismantle the childen’s book with voice recognition in it to conceal the money I was sending. I filled the book to the brim before I recorded a message and told my kids how sorry I was and how much I loved them. After that I placed it in the envelope, sealed and addressed it, then took it to the hotel office to be mailed. Once back in the room I called Buddy as I hit the glass pipe I had grown to love.

  “Hey Terricka. Where are you? I need to talk to you as soon as I get back in town.” Buddy said as soon as he answered the phone. I sat there and listened for a minute as he pretended to know nothing about his bitch calling me or her murder. The voices told me he knew but was setting me up. I just didn’t give a fuck. I quickly told him where I was at and then he said he would be there about 9 when he got in town. After I told him I loved him I hung up the phone and went into the bathroom to prepare.

  I bathed while I thought of my plan then decided to go get kerosene when I was dressed. Once I got that I went back to my room where I smoked for hours on end until I passed out. The heavy knocks on the door at around 8:45 woke me up and jumped up still kinda high and ready to end it all. I quickly rushed over to the door and let Buddy in as he instantly hugged me up in his arms and I looked over his shoulder into the parking lot. I expected cops to barge in right then but they didn’t and I felt relieved I could still go through with my plan. As soon as he came in I invited him to sit down as I poured him a glass of heroine laced vodka and then went to the bathroom. I stood and stared at myself in the mirror and Denise’s face appeared as she told me not to do it.

  “Fuck you.” I whispered to her before I turned
to walk out of the door and heard buddy get off the phone with someone.

  I wondered if he had called the police as I came back into the room and sat down next to him with a curious look on my face. “Terricka baby wassup? I been looking for you. What happened why you leave me?” He asked as he looked sincerely into my eyes.

  I felt conflicted as I looked into the eyes of the only man I loved and the sane part of me wanted to make up while the crazy side encouraged me to end us both. I tried to shake all the voices as I closed my eyes and breathed deeply but nothing would work. “Buddy I just have to ask you a question and I need you to be honest. Are you engaged?” I asked as he closed his eyes and sat back with a sad look on his face.

  I knew the answer to my question right then and I felt sick to my stomach but relieved that I had already set my plan in motion. I didn’t even wait for Buddy to answer before I fired another question at him and watched him begin to sway in his seat. “So Buddy, is it true that you said you’re tired of saving me? Am I a lost bitch you want to leave you alone?” I said to him as tears fell from my eyes and he fought to keep his open.

  As I looked at his slumped posture I could tell right then the drugs were working and Buddy was about to be out. That’s why I rushed him to answer me and prepared to send us both to hell. “Maine Terricka why you questioning me like this, that’s that shit that made me leave. Yea, that’s my fiancée and sometimes I get tired of saving yo broken ass but I still love you. Terr…” Buddy said in a slurred but forceful tone before he suddenly passed out.

  When he did I wasted no time as I got up and began to pour kerosene all around the room and on both of us. After that I sat down at the table and smoked all of the heroine I had left and drunk the rest of Buddy’s drink. Within two minutes I began to hallucinate and saw Denise as she sat next to me on the couch. That shit scared the fuck out of me after I reached over to touch her and felt her warm skin. I ran over to the bed and jumped in it to pull the covers over my head as she called my name. I yelled out for it to stop as she kept talking and I found the matches in my pocket.