Love for Imperfect Things

by Haemin Sunim

  There is a soft inner core of love and caring

  at the heart of every suffering.

  You are not thrown into this world alone.

  Chapter Two

  FAMILY

  It can feel like a mystery

  why my child, parent, or sibling is

  thinking and behaving a certain way.

  But although we may neither

  comprehend nor like it,

  we can nevertheless love them,

  because love transcends understanding.

  “PLEASE LOOK AFTER MOM”

  EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD is someone’s precious child, and a Buddhist monk is no exception. Even though monks have left home and become ordained in pursuit of spiritual enlightenment, most do not cut ties with their parents. Maudgalyayana, one of the closest disciple monks of Sakyamuni Buddha, was famous for his filial love for his mother. According to Buddhist scriptures, he descended to hell in order to rescue her. Kyeongheo, the great Korean Zen master of the nineteenth century, also remained a good son to his mother after becoming a monk. Upon having an experience of enlightenment, the first thing he did was to search for his mother. Kyeongheo lived with her and spent nearly twenty years looking after her. Following Kyeongheo’s example, many monks nowadays are taking care of their elderly parents in one way or another.

  * * *

  *

  IN MY CASE, TOO, each time I return to Korea, I try to stay with my parents for at least a week, hoping to make up for my absence. But whenever I do, I feel sad to see how much older they have become, especially my mother. Many gray hairs have sprouted on her head, and many teeth have fallen from her mouth. She is not as active as she used to be. It is distressing for a son to see his own mother becoming old. Although I know that everything in this world is impermanent, I cannot help but wish that my mother might be exempt. I am a lot like my mother. She is an introvert, but with a bright and warm personality. She loves music and art and enjoys reading books, just like I do. If she hears or thinks of something insightful or interesting, she likes to write it down and share it with her family and friends. She can be patient and strong in the face of difficulties. She is also proud of my writings and talks, as they have helped many people.

  But a while ago I found out that my mother, whom I had assumed would always be healthy and well, had become ill. It seemed she had kept her illness from me because she didn’t want me to worry about her. Nothing makes your heart sink more than when you get a phone call from your father telling you that your mother is sick. I dropped everything and flew to see her. Though luckily her illness was treatable, I stayed with her for a full month. It made my heart burn with shame to think that while I had been busying myself trying to help strangers, I had been neglecting my own parents.

  When I give a public talk, I usually close by inviting the audience to meditate together. First I guide people to offer love and good wishes to themselves while caressing their heart. Afterward I ask them to hold hands with those sitting next to them and to close their eyes. Then I ask them to imagine that they are holding the hand of someone they deeply love and care about, like their mother. Finally I ask them to send love to the people they just imagined and to repeat this blessing: “May you be happy! May you be healthy! May you be peaceful! May you always be protected!”

  Chanting quietly together like that, a good number of people shed tears. Though we always wish our loved ones to be happy and healthy, we often do not express it, assuming that they already know how we feel. As we repeat the blessing, we regret that we have not spent enough time with our loved ones because we are too busy. I, too, felt that way as I was imagining holding my mother’s hand while chanting the blessing along with the audience. As the words sank in, all of a sudden the following sentiment rose up from the abyss of my heart:

  “Mom, Mom, I love you so, so much.”

  Without realizing it, the word “mom” came out instead of “mother.” Though it was a little embarrassing, I texted that message to my mother right away. Thinking about it, I couldn’t remember when I had last said these words to her. Later, I heard that receiving such an innocent message from her grown son, who had left home to become a monk, made my mother cry a great deal. And then she resolved to become healthy again, not just for herself but also for her son.

  * * *

  *

  IN THE FAMOUS KOREAN NOVEL Please Look After Mom, the daughter realizes how much she loves her mother only after her mother goes missing. In an interview, the author, Kyung-sook Shin, said that she had been planning the book for a long time but couldn’t get it quite right until she changed “mother” in the title to “mom.” The novel ends with the daughter on a trip to Vatican City. The daughter lays a rosary in front of the Pietà—an image of the Holy Mother embracing the dead Jesus—and prays, “Please, please look after Mom.”

  After staying at home with my mother for a month, I had to leave the country again. My heart was filled with sadness and remorse, and again and again I found myself summoning the name of Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva, Mother of Mercy and Protection, for my own mother.

  * * *

  *

  Something as simple as holding someone’s hand

  can go a long way toward easing that person’s pain.

  The more we hurt, the more we need

  the love and support of our family.

  * * *

  *

  When someone you love is in pain,

  the most meaningful gift you can give is your kind presence.

  Sending flowers and texting are good,

  but not as good as sitting with her, holding her hand,

  looking into her eyes, and giving her a kiss.

  * * *

  *

  We live longer now not because we do not get sick,

  but because we have learned to manage our illness.

  To those who are fighting illness,

  and those who are caring for them,

  may you not lose hope!

  * * *

  *

  Even when the weather forecast calls for rain all day,

  there are times when, if we look closely,

  we see that the rain lets up.

  Even though we are ill and in pain,

  if we look closely, we see that

  there are moments without any pain.

  But if we say to ourselves,

  “I am sick” or “It’s going to rain all day,”

  then we feel that the rain or pain never lets up.

  * * *

  *

  Sometimes we want to be told

  “I need you” more than we do “I love you,”

  because we want to feel

  that our lives have a purpose.

  So, be brave and say honestly, “I need you.”

  * * *

  *

  When a beloved family member passes away,

  we feel sorry for not having looked after them better

  and guilty for not having protected them from harm.

  Then, after many difficult and lonely nights,

  the spring, which we thought we’d never see again, returns.

  As the warmth of the spring sunshine touches our face,

  we feel as though the departed is still with us,

  wishing us happiness.

  We assumed we were alone

  but then realized we were not.

  * * *

  *

  Losing someone precious to us

  is like losing the compass that pointed to life’s meaning;

  it seems as though we will never find true north again.

  The experience of life’s impermanence is a great lesson.

  For those of you who are suffering, may this experience become

  an opportunity to wake up
to the Truth beyond impermanence.

  * * *

  *

  No matter how good a relationship is,

  it is inevitable that it will change over time.

  A close friend may move to another city,

  or a family member may pass away.

  Your circumstances, too, can change.

  But don’t let this make you too sad—

  because when one door closes,

  another one always opens.

  * * *

  *

  “Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

  Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts,

  and we are never, ever the same.”

  —FLAVIA WEEDN

  * * *

  *

  The greatest gift that parents can give their child

  is to be happy themselves.

  If the parents are happy,

  then the child can grow up into a happy and confident adult.

  But if the parents are not happy,

  then the child can feel worthless—

  unable to make his parents happy no matter what.

  * * *

  *

  You sacrificed your life for the sake of your children.

  But instead of being thankful, your children are angry

  that they have been living their parents’ dreams

  rather than their own.

  Look back and see if you deluded yourself into believing

  that being obsessed with your children was a sacrifice.

  And consider whether your “sacrifice” did not rob your children

  of the opportunity to learn for themselves.

  * * *

  *

  There are many aspects of life that we cannot control.

  When it comes to our children, spouse, relatives, and friends,

  we can love them, pray for them, show them interest,

  but we cannot control them, even when we have good intentions,

  since their happiness ultimately depends on themselves.

  Let them take responsibility for their choices.

  When we get through an illness, we develop immunity.

  If we protect others from illness,

  they may not develop proper immunity against life.

  * * *

  *

  If a teacher coddles her students, she will spoil them.

  It is the same with your children.

  It is often the case that your younger children,

  whom you paid less attention to,

  grow up to be more caring toward their parents

  than your eldest, whom you took such trouble over.

  * * *

  *

  The reason adolescents don’t listen to their parents

  and stubbornly try to have their own way

  is that they are learning to be independent.

  It is normal, so don’t worry too much.

  * * *

  *

  Children want to admire their parents.

  You won’t win their admiration by being overprotective.

  Instead, offer your help to the weak and powerless,

  or make an honest effort to model important values,

  such as honesty, compassion, dedication, and tolerance.

  Do your best to give your children someone to look up to.

  * * *

  *

  Parents, please teach your children that

  abusive language or violence toward the weak

  is wrong under any circumstances.

  It is also wrong to delight in someone else’s pain.

  If you wish for your child to grow up to be decent,

  do not countenance such behavior.

  * * *

  *

  In oppressive and violent relationships,

  no one can take care of yourself but you.

  If a relationship causes you pain,

  then draw a firm line and distance yourself from the other person.

  Once you are apart, you will hear your internal voice

  and gradually become stronger and more independent.

  Do not lose your grip on the reins of your own life

  and allow yourself to be dragged around by someone else.

  * * *

  *

  In the course of giving advice,

  I often hear from young people who are conflicted

  because they love their parents but also hate them.

  There is nothing wrong with having these two emotions.

  You can love and hate someone at the same time.

  * * *

  *

  It is nearly impossible for a son or daughter

  to change a parent’s personality, values, or behavior.

  Even if children consider their parents problematic in some way,

  they have neither the right nor the responsibility to change them.

  * * *

  *

  If you were often rejected or ignored

  by your parents while growing up,

  you can end up seeking the love and attention

  you were denied from your romantic partner instead.

  If your partner is even slightly indifferent toward you,

  then the wound from your childhood can be ripped open,

  causing a big fight with your partner.

  But the real cause isn’t your partner;

  it’s the wound you are carrying within you.

  Rather than projecting this wound onto your partner

  and causing a fight,

  set aside your pride and speak from the heart:

  “I am terrified that you will reject me and leave me, like my mom did.”

  If we combine painful memories, the need for attention,

  and pride, the relationship can easily be ruined.

  * * *

  *

  If you assume that, since you’ve been together for so long,

  you should be able to read each other’s minds,

  there are so many things you will fail to understand about each other.

  I love you.

  I thank you.

  And I need you.

  UNDERSTANDING OUR FATHERS

  I WAS ANGRY AT MY FATHER. “Father, why did you keep putting off going to the hospital? I told you many times not to do that.” Despite myself, I was irritated and worried. And I disliked speaking to my father this way. Here’s what had happened. When I had finished my autumn retreat at Bongam Zen Monastery and gone to visit my parents, I saw that my father had become quite emaciated. I asked if there was a particular reason he had lost weight, and he said there was no particular reason, it was just his digestion acting up, so he’d been taking some medicine now and then. Hearing this, I was suddenly worried that it might be stomach cancer, since the first symptom of stomach cancer is weight loss for no apparent reason. And hadn’t my grandfather passed away from stomach cancer?

  But despite my advice, my father refused to have a gastroscopic examination. Insisting that he was fine, he asked me to look after my own health instead. “I’m not important, but you, my son, do so much good for people, you have to look after yourself properly so you can keep on helping them.” When I returned home that bone-numbingly cold winter, my father had been suffering from a cold and rhinitis for over a month. This time even he admitted that he felt there was something strange going on inside him, and he agreed to the gastroscopy. My heart sank. Why don’t you value your own body? Why do you constantly say you’re not important? Why don’t you think of your children, of how much you’re making them worry? I was upset.

  * * *

  *

>   IT SEEMS I’M NOT THE ONLY one to experience such emotions. I’ve noticed that people tend to experience more difficult and complicated emotions in their relationships with their fathers than with their mothers. This seems especially to be the case with sons. And so, based on my conversations with people, I came up with five prototypes of father-child relationships—although there are certainly many more. As you read them, see if any of the five match your case.

  The first case is one in which the father behaves in an excessively patriarchal way, withholding affection and strictly enforcing rules and standards. He often controls his children by making them feel shame and guilt. To his children, such a father looms large, like a mountain that cannot be crossed. Even as adults, his children do not feel comfortable around him, having spent their childhood afraid of him, and cannot bring themselves to open up and have an honest conversation with him.

  The second case concerns children who have witnessed the suffering of their mother because of their father’s extramarital affairs or lack of employment. Such children tend to develop deep sympathy for their mother and rage toward their father. If, as children, they were unable to express their anger toward their father, their repressed emotions make it difficult for them to engage with their father as adults. They often choose to avoid their father altogether.

  The third case is when the father is a self-made man, a firm believer in the power of hard work who has similarly high expectations of his children. Given that the father had to pull himself up by his bootstraps, it’s not enough in his eyes for his children to work only moderately hard, to do only fairly well in school. Desperate for their father’s approval, as adults they are often plagued with anxiety and unable to relax, because they feel they are worthy of love only when they do something well or achieve some great success. I frequently meet young people who have an excellent education and a good job yet have low self-esteem and workaholic tendencies; speaking with them, I discover that many of them have had this kind of father.