by Haemin Sunim
The fourth case concerns children who are born into ordinary families and who turn out to be academic geniuses or to otherwise have great success. Such children feel somewhat constrained by their father, and resent him for interfering in their lives. They are independent and self-motivated and prefer not to receive unsolicited advice from a father who can’t really know what their lives are like. Such children love their father but do not necessarily look up to him.
Finally, the fifth case is children who lost their father when they were young. While growing up, they felt their father’s absence profoundly; as adults, they still long for him. They tend to remember their father as a hero and are attracted to teachers or mentors who are like him in some way.
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I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND why my father constantly said he was not important, and so did not value his own health. As I do when talking with a stranger, I made an effort to understand him deeply. It was the first time I’d ever tried to see my father not in relation to me, as my father, but as a man. And what I saw was a boy whose own father, my grandfather, had rarely shown him any affection or expressed interest in him. My father was still pained by the memory of my grandfather going away to seek refuge during the Korean War, and taking only his eldest son with him. My father, the second son, was left behind with his mother and sisters. Rare delicacies, like a fried egg, were always reserved for the eldest son. Plus, as men tended to be in those days, my grandfather was brusque and patriarchal and didn’t show much emotion. Having grown up in the shadow of his father and elder brother, my father was unable to see how precious his own existence was. Even now, old enough to be a grandfather, he lacked confidence and thought of himself as unimportant, after a lifetime of having to put other people first. All of a sudden, I felt my eyes grow hot.
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AFTER THE GASTROSCOPY WAS OVER, my father called and told me that he was in luck: It wasn’t stomach cancer. He hesitated, then said, “I love you, son.” It was the first time he’d ever said those words to me. Instantly, heat flooded my chest. Knowing that my father will read this, I want to say to him: “Dad, I love you, too. And I am truly grateful to you for raising a son with such high self-esteem and a positive outlook. I feel lucky that you are my dad.”
Love needs no reason
other than love itself.
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When your self-esteem hits rock bottom,
say to yourself: “To my family and close friends,
I’m just as precious as I’ve always been.
I’m still capable of doing good in the world;
a few people who don’t really know me
don’t get to decide what I’m worth.
In time, I believe I’ll meet different people
who will value me and my abilities.”
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*
If you love someone,
rather than doing what you think they need,
do what they themselves ask you to do.
Though it comes from a good place,
doing what you think someone needs
can be the seed of wanting to control them,
to make them a certain way to please yourself.
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*
With a little planning,
you can continue to enjoy your life
while looking after someone close to you.
Sacrificing yourself completely
won’t be good in the long run,
not even for the person you’re taking care of.
Only if you yourself are reasonably well
will you be able to look after someone properly.
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*
Are you worried because
your spouse or child has put on weight?
The best way to make someone you love
look after their health is by looking after your own,
with a balanced diet and regular exercise.
If you set an example, they’re much more likely to join in.
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*
Even though you did your best,
their response was lukewarm,
or they demanded even more of you.
There’s no need to despair.
If you really did all you could, leave it be.
If they need more, they’ll be able to find a way
to finish the job themselves.
* * *
*
We sometimes resort to verbal threats
in the hope of making people come to their senses.
For example: If you don’t do what I want,
I will take away something that is important to you,
or in the future I won’t give you what you need.
This happens especially between family members.
Unfortunately, such words won’t change people’s minds.
They will only hurt them
and make them dig in their heels.
Instead, calmly explain why something is important to you,
so your words don’t sound like threats or ultimatums.
Change will last longer when it’s not forced
but when it comes about because they have been convinced of its need.
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*
Someone told me this, and it made a positive impression:
“Haemin Sunim, now that I am doing so well financially,
my relationship with my siblings and parents has improved.”
If you have made a lot of money, share some of it with your family.
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*
Much domestic strife comes from
the futile effort to interfere and sow discord:
the wife, between her husband and his parents;
the mother-in-law, between her son and his wife;
the husband’s sister, between her brother and his wife.
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However close a relationship is,
some questions are better left unasked:
“Why don’t you lose weight?”
“Why aren’t you married yet?”
“Why did you get divorced?”
“Why aren’t you working?”
Please, keep these thoughts to yourself.
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“Even among branches that stem from the same root,
there will be those that are healthy and bear many fruits
and those that are stunted and whose fruit is undersized.
The healthier branch might have become that way
by receiving more than its fair share of nutrients.
It’s the same with siblings:
If there is one who is smart and successful,
there could be one who is poor and must rely on the other.
You’ll be annoyed if every time your sibling asks for help,
you feel you’re being deprived of what’s rightfully yours.
But if you consider how your sibling might have had to sacrifice
for you to get to where you are now, it will not seem so unfair.”
—MISOOK KO, KOREAN LITERATURE SCHOLAR
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We get the most annoyed by those who are closest to us.
And when the annoyance is on both sides,
an argument will inevitably break out.
When someone is showing his temper,
it could be because he wants us to hear
about his current situation and empathize.
Rather than arguing,
try to understand his deeper needs.
* * *
*
/> When you feel like you’re about to lose your temper,
think of your family.
Think about how your children will suffer the consequences.
If you cannot control your temper for yourself,
control it for your family’s sake.
* * *
*
If a child is crying or making a racket on a plane,
you’ll likely get annoyed with the child and resent the parents.
Imagine the child is actually
your niece or nephew, your grandson or granddaughter.
If we think of the child as a stranger,
we focus on the inconvenience to ourselves,
but if we think of the child as a family member,
we become merciful, wondering whether the child
is uncomfortable or in pain.
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*
If you want to help your child, your partner, or your friend,
simply listen without offering advice or your own interpretation.
And empathize, imagining that you yourself just had that experience.
Don’t turn away from difficulties, but endure them together.
That is how you can be of greatest help.
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Before you lay your head on your pillow and go to sleep,
recall just three things you were thankful for today.
If you continue to do this for two months,
you will see an increase in your level of happiness,
because instead of focusing on what is wrong with your life,
you will develop a habit of looking for what is good.
A happy mind-set needs practice.
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If you give something your full attention,
whatever it is, and examine it closely,
it will come to attract your interest and care.
Just as the face of your child is the most familiar
and the loveliest thing in the world,
constant attention will turn an ordinary object
into an extraordinary one.
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*
If you take home a cat and care for it,
even one that’s been abandoned and is dirty,
it won’t be long before it becomes
the cutest cat in the world.
Chapter Three
EMPATHY
If you love someone:
Embrace him,
like the Holy Mother embraces Her one and only Son.
Listen attentively,
like there is no one else but him in the whole universe.
Look into his eyes,
like a soul trying to communicate after losing language.
Dance together,
like tomorrow is your final day on earth.
THE POWER OF HUGS
MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD it said that each time someone embraces you warmly, your life is extended by one more day? Of course there is no way of verifying whether this is actually the case, but none of us will have any trouble understanding the message. When we find that things are getting tough, a warm, wordless embrace can have more healing power than a logical, point-by-point explanation of why things are so difficult. Although I cannot get rid of your pain, I will still stand by your side and stick with you even during the most difficult times. The warmest way of expressing this is through a hug.
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WHEN I FIRST CAME to the United States, it took a long time for me to get used to the Western way of greeting someone. Instead of bowing politely in the traditional Korean way, I had to learn the casual, unreserved way that friends greet each other—a quick nod and a “hi” when you pass each other on the street. I had to learn that a handshake is not just clasping the other’s hand but also involves smiling, looking the other straight in the eye, and ensuring that your grip is not too strong and not too weak. But of all the various methods of greeting someone, the one that took me the longest to get used to was the hug. Especially since becoming a monk, I had become used to greeting people by hapjang—putting my palms together in front of my chest and bowing from the waist. Opening my arms wide and embracing someone made me feel somewhat shy and awkward.
But of course a greeting is not something that one does alone. If you are parting from someone and she opens her arms to hug you, holding out your hand for a handshake not only will make her flustered, but also suggests that you want to keep some distance, which could seem impolite. But after a while, once my relationship with a friend or colleague had become sufficiently close, I learned to hug. Mysteriously, the initial awkwardness has gradually disappeared, replaced with a sense of fellowship, intimacy, and warmth.
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RECENTLY I HEARD about some interesting studies about hugs—scientific verification that they do indeed have health benefits. Anthony Grant, a professor of psychology at the University of Sydney, presented research results showing that, in addition to reducing anxiety and loneliness, hugs lower our levels of the hormone cortisol, which gets secreted as a response to stress; this, in turn, strengthens immunity to pathogens and lowers blood pressure. And according to Karen Grewen of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, if a couple holds hands and hugs for twenty seconds before leaving the house in the morning, their stress index will be only half that of couples who do not do this. In other words, a brief, warm morning hug with someone we love provides us with a protective layer, insulating us from the stress of the day.
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AS A MONK, THERE ARE TIMES when I have to offer people such a protective layer. One such instance still lingers in my memory. It was at a book signing in a large bookstore in Seoul; I was signing one woman’s book when she suddenly said in a choked voice:
“Haemin Sunim, two months ago my children’s father passed away in a car accident. I’ve been in such a state of shock that I’ve barely been outside these past two months. My younger brother gave me your book as a present, probably because he felt sorry for me; I cried so much while reading it, right from the first chapter. For some reason I got the idea that if only I could meet you, that would give me the courage to go on, and to look after my two children properly. I live in the countryside, but I got the train early this morning to come up to meet you in person.”
Her voice was shaking, and her face was streaked with tears. In that moment, without realizing what I was doing, I got up from my seat, moved toward her, and opened my arms. After embracing her warmly for a while, I said: “I, too, will pray for your children’s departed father. His spirit will probably be watching you from the other world, seeing how you go on living, how well you look after the children. Right now you are terribly lonely, and life is very hard, but through this experience you will become stronger, wiser, and more compassionate. From now on, things will gradually get better. Don’t worry too much.”
I held her as she wept, and thought to myself: Though I am lacking in many ways, I want to be a person who can bring some small comfort to people, who can give them courage, like a ray of warm sunshine. If there is someone who needs a hug from me, I will do it willingly, gladly, and as often as they need. Those of you who are reading this, if you have family or friends who are going through a hard time, please remember to give them a warm hug now and then. Who knows, you really might extend their lives—and yours, too.
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Because I have experienced pain,
I am able to embrace the pain of others.
Because I have made mistakes,
I am able to forgive others their mistakes.
May my suffering become the seed of compassion.
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If you want to e
xpress love to family or friends,
really listen to them,
devoting your whole mind and heart to their words.
If you listen with great care and interest,
they will come to feel, “I am a precious being,”
and, “This is what it feels like to be loved.”
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Apparently seeing a photo of someone you love
can actually alleviate your pain, like taking Tylenol.
And if you see a person helping someone,
it boosts the happiness hormone inside your body,
as if you are the one lending a helping hand.
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When your loved one is suffering and needs you,
just be there with her pain and suffering.
Let her feel she is not alone.
If you offer cheerful platitudes
or look for a quick solution,
it might be because you
do not want to face her situation.
Consider whether you are looking only for glib words
to quickly put yourself at ease.
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