by Haemin Sunim
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I bumped into a high school friend
for the first time in many years.
He told me that when he saw his wife and children
waiting for him at the train station, holding umbrellas,
it made him realize his purpose in life.
The really important things are so near at hand.
And yet it seems we forget them now and then.
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There are those who love you for who you are,
and there are those who love you for what you do.
There is no change in the love
of those who love you for who you are,
even when you make a mistake or fail.
Such people are your true friends and family.
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To family or friends who have experienced a setback,
say, “Even though you didn’t succeed this time,
I am very proud of you. Under difficult circumstances,
you didn’t give up. That, to me, is a success.”
* * *
*
I wish you to be happy.
But do not wait for someone to make you happy.
Make the decision to be happy for yourself, and act on it.
Do not surrender to someone else the power to make you happy.
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When someone asks, “How are you feeling?”
if you are unsure how to answer, just say, “Pretty good!”
The moment you answer like that, you may actually start to feel good.
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When someone says something when they are tired,
remember that it is their tiredness speaking.
It is wise to leave important conversations
for the next day, after a good night’s sleep.
When someone is tired,
bring them a cup of herbal tea
and just leave them be.
* * *
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One expression of love
is simply to leave someone to their own devices.
* * *
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Words hold great power.
“You will get better starting today!”
“You are so talented. You will become an amazing writer!”
“Your music will touch the hearts of many people one day!”
The moment someone says such words to you,
a new field of possibility opens up for you.
Words can become the seed of reality.
* * *
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Even though what someone says may be true,
if it is spoken with hatred and disdain,
it will make you reluctant to agree with the person.
We communicate not just with words,
but also with the energy of our emotions.
* * *
*
What words are said is important,
but how they are said is often more important.
We also communicate through our facial expressions and body language,
through the volume and tone of our voice.
* * *
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Words that convey anger, violence, or sharp critique
appear to have more of an immediate effect
than those that convey gentleness or compassion.
But the use of negative means can come back to haunt the speaker,
causing him regret for hurting others for his own purpose.
* * *
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If you get angry, your anger creates an echo,
bouncing back at you without fail.
Your anger arouses anger in others,
who retaliate either immediately with the same intensity,
or indirectly over the course of many years
in the form of gossip and passive-aggressive mind games.
So the next time you get angry, keep in mind the costs.
* * *
*
The house is a mess,
but you don’t have energy to tidy it up.
In that case, invite your friends to your home.
Suddenly, you will feel a surge of energy which
can get the whole house tidied in thirty minutes!
* * *
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When you are invited to a friend’s house for dinner,
ringing the bell five minutes after the appointed time
seems the best thing to do.
There are times when arriving a little bit late
can be a big help:
an extra five minutes for the final dinner preparations.
* * *
*
I saw the movie Intern and learned
that a gentleman who carries a handkerchief
does so not only for himself
but also for anyone he meets who might need one.
* * *
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When we help other people,
rather than thinking, “I am helping them for their sake,”
think, “I am doing this because I enjoy helping people.”
Even if the people you help end up
not returning the favor, you won’t be so upset.
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At a time of need, you were helped.
Now that things are better, you would like to return the favor.
Unfortunately the one who helped you is no longer in this world.
In such cases, please help young people
whose situation is similar to what yours was.
This will likely please the person who is no longer with you.
* * *
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When the eminent monk Beopjeong Sunim visited New York,
we took him to a nice bookstore in Manhattan.
Beopjeong Sunim told me generously,
“Haemin Sunim, choose some books for yourself.”
Rather than picking out one or two,
I thoughtlessly gathered up a pile of eight,
using the excuse that I needed them for my studies.
Seeing this, a senior monk signaled to me
that I should choose only one.
But while I was hastily trying to put the books back,
Beopjeong Sunim saw and said,
“To a student monk, books are like the bread we eat or the air we breathe.”
He bought all eight books for me and even inscribed them:
Haemin Sunim, study diligently for your Ph.D.
and spread great teachings to many people.
Beopjeong, Palms Together
I feel great indebtedness to and love for my elders.
I wish to be generous to the younger generation like they were to me.
I miss Beopjeong Sunim, who has already left this world.
When we love someone,
the greatest gift we can give
is to be fully present for them.
LISTENING IS AN ACT OF LOVE
THERE ARE TIMES IN OUR lives when a really difficult situation comes up and we want to talk about it with someone. At such times, what sort of person do you generally end up seeking out? A friend who is smarter and a better talker? Or just one who seems like they will be on your side and listen warmly to what you have to say? In my case, I generally go for the latter. Of course, talking with a friend who is more intelligent than I am can indeed be helpful, because they can home in on my problem objectively. But the more difficult the problem, the more likely I am to be left feeling a bit dissatisfied by coldly rational advice, however sensible. I probably long for someone warm and c
aring who will listen to my struggling heart in an empathetic way.
Something like that happened when I was teaching in Massachusetts. There were many times when teaching brought me great happiness and fulfillment. But there were also times when all I felt was, “I am not cut out to be a college professor!” For one, there were the cultural differences: Unlike students in Asia, for example, some students openly contradicted their professors. I welcomed those challenges and still believe that students should be allowed and even encouraged to have opinions different from those of their professors, but I was not used to the direct manner in which they refuted me in class. Sometimes I encountered students who were not serious about learning and came to class unprepared. They were a small minority, but as an inexperienced junior professor I was quite distressed and even a little depressed about this. I hated myself for disliking difficult students, which made me feel very uncomfortable and guilty.
Whenever I felt this way, I would want to talk it over with one of my senior colleagues. But rather than reaching out to those colleagues known to be clearheaded and direct, I usually ended up turning to senior colleagues who were kindhearted and good listeners. If I think about why, I would say it’s because there’s more to being a good listener than simply listening. From someone’s facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language, we come to feel cared for and acknowledged and understood. When someone would focus on me, letting me say what I wanted to say without cutting me off or changing the subject, my troubled heart would begin to open up, and I would share those bottled-up stories one by one without fear of being judged.
That was a huge weight off my chest, and probably what I needed more than sound advice. After being a sympathetic witness to my situation, if my colleague were to share something similar that had happened to him, it would be an additional comfort knowing that I was not alone. As I started to have greater perspective, I found it easier to accept my situation and to deal with my feelings.
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BEING BOTH A MONK AND A PROFESSOR, I often have to give a public lecture or Buddhist dharma talk. But while certain audiences laugh out loud at my silly humor and leave the lecture hall looking pleased and enlightened, others sit blank-faced in heavy silence. Even when I give exactly the same talk, the overall experience is hugely different without a lively audience. If my audience and I are attuned to each other, my words flow like a river, coursing through the hall in an atmosphere of spiritual vitality. But if my audience is not very receptive, I shrivel psychologically and cannot get across effectively what I have prepared. This is why I believe that listening is not a passive activity at all. Listening openly, patiently, and attentively is one of the most significant expressions of love.
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I SOMETIMES WONDER WHY WE STAY up late uploading photos and messages to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. No one forces us to; it’s simply that we want to share with the world what we did that day, what we thought about, what photos we took. I think this has to do with the fact that we want someone to listen to what we have to say, even if that someone is the impersonal online world. Because only then do we feel that our actions have meaning, that our existence has value. Without people to pay attention to us, our lives would feel empty, like being alone on a stage without an audience. With this in mind, I would encourage people to think every once in a while about whether there are friends or family members going through a difficult time. Even though we may not have solutions to the problems they are facing, they will be grateful just to know we are willing to listen.
I think the process of healing begins when we open
our hearts and listen empathetically.
We can help people not because
we know the solutions to their problems,
but because we care enough to stay and lend our ears.
Knowing that others have gone through similar difficulties,
they become better equipped to cope with theirs.
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When we tell someone about our problems,
more often than not we do not want to hear
the “right words” from them.
We simply want to be heard.
When someone speaks to you,
do not rush to give them advice;
hear them out.
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Rather than trying to improve someone,
just be a mirror, reflecting them without judgment.
If you want them to improve, you stop seeing them as they are.
Instead, you see only their shortcomings,
measured against your own subjective standards.
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Genuine love seems to love “in spite of.”
Of course it is easy to love the parts we agree with,
but when we learn to embrace the parts we disagree with,
that is when liking turns into loving.
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Children are eager to show off their scars
because they like to receive loving attention from others.
But if you look closely, adults are just the same.
When you are hurt or struggling,
when you are sad or depressed,
don’t always keep it to yourself;
at times, bare your wounds like a child
and say, “I am in pain.”
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When we think we already know someone,
we stop making an effort to know them better.
When we do not know someone,
we make an effort to get to know them.
Love is the state of not knowing,
and of wanting to know more.
Consider whether you think you already know your loved ones.
If you do, you are failing to see them as they are right now
and seeing them instead through the prism
of previously held opinions.
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When you hear a close friend being slandered,
do you absolutely need to tell that friend?
If it will serve only to hurt your friend,
what is the point of sharing it?
* * *
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The friend who backbites others in front of you
will probably backbite you when you are not there.
* * *
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If you point out someone’s faults,
don’t expect their behavior to change.
Often all that happens
is that they get hurt.
Instead, praise their strengths,
which will grow to overshadow their weaknesses.
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When you meet someone, compliment them,
even if it’s just out of politeness.
Tell them they look happier, or healthier, or
that their outfit or hair looks especially good.
If you do, things will start off on the right foot,
and everything from that point will flow more easily.
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In winter, going about Manhattan
in a gray quilted monk’s robe,
I would sometimes hear people say:
“How original! Where can I buy one?”
* * *
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Winter can be really cold, right?
I saw an advertisement saying,
“People are like heaters.”
Our presence can warm each other.
May you be a heater for someone today.
* * *
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Many of us experience disconnection
and
related feelings like rejection, disappointment, and loneliness.
If you are suffering in this way,
pray for the one who has broken away from you.
Send them some positive energy and good wishes.
Choosing not to hate them is the best revenge,
the only kind that won’t leave a lasting wound in your heart.
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When dealing with someone unyielding and difficult,
say to yourself:
“Just like me, he needs to support his family.
Just like me, he’s thinking about his future.
Just like me, he must be facing a hardship that not many people know about.”
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When someone does something to distress you
for no apparent reason,
or behaves completely unreasonably,
for your own sake, repeat to yourself:
“Big world, some weirdos!”
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It’s okay for us to disagree.
But if we do, you should say that my opinion
is different from yours, not wrong.
There is a huge difference.
Try putting yourself in my shoes.
How would you feel if you were told
you were wrong just for being different?
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It is hard to know things as they really are
because when we hear something,
we rely on past experience to understand it.
Ten people hearing the same story